Why am I feeling this way and has anyone felt like this as well?

[cookieboobie]

Hi. I‘m friends with a guy for almost a year and I really like him. But, platonically. Despite him sometimes having a toxic nature (e.g when we have arguments, he starts getting personal and really disrespectful, even calling names and I‘m the apologetic and people-pleaser-type), he is just so interesting and smart, it makes you adore his presence and feel lucky to be friends with him. Everyday I fight the urge not to make him sick and tired of my messages (He never complained, but I know when I exaggerate and when not). I want to ask him tons of stuff and its all without any weird intentions, just plain interest.

My question is: Am I the only woman that has met a man so admirable and mysterious, you want to know everything about him, talk to him everyday, fighting the urge to not be a clingy mess and even get jealous when he tells you about affairs he has with other women? And what does that even mean? I know what its like to fall for a man, like really fall. But its not the case this time so why do I rather "want" him for myself? 

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, cookieboobie said:

But its not the case this time so why do I rather "want" him for myself? 

You've already answered your own question, because you admire him and find him smart and interesting.  You say you like him platonically but then you say you want him for yourself.  I think you have a crush on him.  That would be fine except he is disrespectful to you, calls you names and tells you about other women he's seeing.  It doesn't sound like his feelings are mutual and if you continue trying to hang around him you will get really hurt.  Why do you put up with that treatment?

[cookieboobie]

Ah, well he isn‘t like that all the time  just something I picked up when we got into, in my opinion, minor arguments. And I believe every woman would get annoyed if a male friend would talk about another woman. Seems yucky. And true, he is so cool and thats why I like him so much. 

[stillafool]

Just now, cookieboobie said:

Ah, well he isn‘t like that all the time  just something I picked up when we got into, in my opinion, minor arguments. And I believe every woman would get annoyed if a male friend would talk about another woman. Seems yucky. And true, he is so cool and thats why I like him so much. 

Even in minor arguments people are supposed to be respectful of the other person.  You didn't describe him that way and are now backtracking and saying it isn't all the time.  One time is too many.  People will treat you the way you let them.  Stop apologizing and trying to please him.  He will respect you more.

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, cookieboobie said:

And I believe every woman would get annoyed if a male friend would talk about another woman. Seems yucky.

If this is all platonic, why wouldn't he talk about love interests with you?   Surely your female friends talk about romance, dating and crushes.  

When I've had male friends tell me about a woman he's interested in, I'm their biggest cheerleader

[cookieboobie]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

When I've had male friends tell me about a woman he's interested in, I'm their biggest cheerleader

You make me sound like I‘m NOT like that. I have TONS of male friends. Online friends, old school friends. All of them are in healthy relationships and even married. We talk rarely because they don‘t reach out and so do I, out of respect. The perfect balance between people who are just friends.

however with this "new" friend, its sort of different. I had this happen to me with other friends as well, before I met this one. He was basically the same as the guy I mean on my post. Intelligent, experienced, knew what he was talking about. He was so interesting and admirable, I could listen to him talk for hours. He could write a book, I‘d buy 10x copies. Same with this guy. And when they talk about how they give another woman more attention (I don‘t care if thats platonic or romantic), I get a jealous feeling somehow, I dunno. 

[Happinesstoday]

It seems to me that you are not being honest with yourself and what you really feel, and you haven't been honest with him. You need to either restart the relationship on a different basis, or stop the relationship because in the end it is hurting you and your self esteem. If this occurs frequently it may be that you are sabotaging the relationship. One resource that I have found to be very interesting and relevant is a book on Amazon called You Deserve to Be Happy, How to Stop Sabotaging your Happiness and Success and Find Joy in Living.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, cookieboobie said:

, I get a jealous feeling somehow, I dunno. 

Are you single? If so are there any men you’re interested in romantically? If not, why does this particular man only interest you platonically rather than romantically? 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

, he is just so interesting and smart, it makes you adore his presence and feel lucky to be friends with him. Everyday I fight the urge not to make him sick and tired of my messages (He never complained, but I know when I exaggerate and when not). I want to ask him tons of stuff and its all without any weird intentions, just plain interest.

I have never had intense feelings like this for somebody I wasn't trying to date.  Nobody is platonically that interesting.  

The sentence about fighting the urge to not make him sick & tired of your messages makes me wonder how often you text him.  If you want to know more about somebody spend quality time with them -- an hour or two a week in person, talking.  Do not make a pest of yourself peppering somebody with questions all day everyday.  People have their own lives; they are not at your beck & call.  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

however with this "new" friend, its sort of different. I had this happen to me with other friends as well, before I met this one. He was basically the same as the guy I mean on my post. Intelligent, experienced, knew what he was talking about. He was so interesting and admirable, I could listen to him talk for hours. He could write a book, I‘d buy 10x copies. Same with this guy. And when they talk about how they give another woman more attention (I don‘t care if thats platonic or romantic), I get a jealous feeling somehow, I dunno. 

Sounds like a crush which you're not admitting to yourself

[cookieboobie]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sounds like a crush which you're not admitting to yourself

I dunno, its so weird. I don‘t doubt that there is certainly a some sort of obsession going on but I can assure you, its not like a crush. I know what that feels like and its different. Its like a phase. When I don‘t talk to him for at least 4 days, I get over it quickly. Its like.. an admiration-phase or something. Just want to know what the psychology is behind of that.

[cookieboobie]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

The sentence about fighting the urge to not make him sick & tired of your messages makes me wonder how often you text him.  If you want to know more about somebody spend quality time with them -- an hour or two a week in person, talking.  Do not make a pest of yourself peppering somebody with questions all day everyday.  People have their own lives; they are not at your beck & call.  

Its an online friendship. And relax, I‘m old enough to know that people, especially in different timezones, have their own lives and are busy. Of course he is. When I say I‘m fighting the urge, I meant that I really try my hardest not to be a bothersome. I haven‘t talked to him yesterday and today, even though I‘d really want to.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you single? If so are there any men you’re interested in romantically? If not, why does this particular man only interest you platonically rather than romantically? 

I’ll repeat these questions. Answering them might give a window to the psychology behind it.

[cookieboobie]

Ohh, right! I apologize. Yes, I am single. And no, not at the moment. And the reason why I find him interesting platonically is because I don‘t see why I should engage in a relationship with him. I mean, I totally would be. But he has set.. let‘s say, certain rules for himself. I‘m not his type and he is really clear on that. Maybe my mind thinks "ohh, a man that doesn‘t want you? Now thats a challenge!"

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, cookieboobie said:

I‘m not his type and he is really clear on that. Maybe my mind thinks "ohh, a man that doesn‘t want you? Now thats a challenge!"

Is he your type? I mean it seems to me you find him attractive and perhaps would be interested in something romantic with him, so your jealousy seems somewhat normal.

 

That being said, if you find a pattern being attracted to unavailable men, that’s often an indicator of deeper issues, often related to low self worth.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

Intelligent, experienced, knew what he was talking about. He was so interesting and admirable, I could listen to him talk for hours. He could write a book, I‘d buy 10x copies. Same with this guy. And when they talk about how they give another woman more attention (I don‘t care if thats platonic or romantic), I get a jealous feeling somehow, I dunno. 

I have platonic male friends I feel this way about but have never felt jealousy because they talk to other women.  I think you're fooling yourself about how you feel about him.

1 hour ago, cookieboobie said:

I mean, I totally would be. But he has set.. let‘s say, certain rules for himself. I‘m not his type and he is really clear on that. Maybe my mind thinks "ohh, a man that doesn‘t want you? Now thats a challenge!"

What rules has he set for himself that affects you?  Maybe because he has told you you're not his type is why you're trying not to fall for him, but your jealousy of other women around him says different.

[cookieboobie]

32 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Is he your type? I mean it seems to me you find him attractive and perhaps would be interested in something romantic with him, so your jealousy seems somewhat normal.

 

That being said, if you find a pattern being attracted to unavailable men, that’s often an indicator of deeper issues, often related to low self worth.

Yeah, he is definitely my type!

And oof. Can you elaborate on that? 
I wish I could say more but I can‘t. 😅 I wouldn‘t say its a kink but I know I‘m purposely interested in "those" kind of guys. 

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, cookieboobie said:

And oof. Can you elaborate on that? 

Being attracted to unavailable people is often a defensive mechanism to protect yourself from getting rejected if your self worth is fragile. You can indulge in the crush or fantasy without any risk because you know it can’t really go anywhere. If he rejects you, it’s not because of “you”; it’s because he’s unavailable. So it can be when you’re not his type, maybe if a guy is already married or taken, or perhaps when it’s just not a viable match - if he’s substantially older or younger for example. Or maybe he has other issues that make him unavailable like addiction, or distance. Again, if it’s a pattern, often it’s a core self worth issue. 

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

Its an online friendship. And relax, I‘m old enough to know that people, especially in different timezones, have their own lives and are busy. 

Ok so this is a guy you have never even met in person?

[basil67]

13 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

You make me sound like I‘m NOT like that. I have TONS of male friends. Online friends, old school friends. All of them are in healthy relationships and even married. We talk rarely because they don‘t reach out and so do I, out of respect. The perfect balance between people who are just friends.

however with this "new" friend, its sort of different. I had this happen to me with other friends as well, before I met this one. He was basically the same as the guy I mean on my post. Intelligent, experienced, knew what he was talking about. He was so interesting and admirable, I could listen to him talk for hours. He could write a book, I‘d buy 10x copies. Same with this guy. And when they talk about how they give another woman more attention (I don‘t care if thats platonic or romantic), I get a jealous feeling somehow, I dunno. 

If you rarely talk to these TONS of male friends, I would argue that they are now mere acquaintances.  For most of us, this would account for about 90% of our social media contacts.   Being friends - or having friendship - involves being there for each other, reaching out, catching up.  I imagine that you have a number of female friends who you have dear friendships with.

I'm pretty confident that the majority of women would be happy to hear of their male friend having romances or being interested in other women.  If it's truly just a friendship, jealousy has no place.  This is why I think your jealousy means that you have a crush on him

[Lotsgoingon]

He's mean and attacks you. Do not let that curiosity lure you closer to him. It'll be a disaster. 

Yes, people get attracted and curious about other people who have nasty sides. The smart folks acknowledge that attraction and then move in the opposite direction. Go find a friend and share how fascinating this guy is. Your friend may point out what you're overlooking. And then stay away. 

[Alpacalia]

I think we are sometimes attracted to those who have that "thing" we need to develop in ourselves. Like, for you, it's what you perceive as his confidence, intelligence, and charm. I think, deep down, you know that a relationship with him would not be ideal, but your mind is drawn to him because of those aspects that you admire.

As for the jealousy, I think it‘s normal to feel a twinge of it when someone we admire gives their attention to someone else. It‘s like we want to be the only one that they focus on because we crave their approval and validation. But you're at least aware of it and not acting on it, so that‘s good.

He's not 100% admirable - he's a bit like a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum when things don't go his way by getting nasty towards you. Maybe you need to focus on that and remember that he is not perfect.

Don't allow your feelings of admiration and jealousy cloud your judgment and see someone as perfect when they are not.

[MsJayne]

16 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

Its an online friendship. And relax, I‘m old enough to know that people, especially in different timezones, have their own lives and are busy. Of course he is. When I say I‘m fighting the urge, I meant that I really try my hardest not to be a bothersome. I haven‘t talked to him yesterday and today, even though I‘d really want to.

Feeling this possessive of someone you only have an online friendship with is worrying, and unless you're chatting to Jesus himself I suspect your admiration is unwarranted. Remember you're talking to someone online, he might be presenting himself as a cross between David Attenborough and Fabio, but he's more likely an underachiever who still lives with his mother. 

[cookieboobie]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

As for the jealousy, I think it‘s normal to feel a twinge of it when someone we admire gives their attention to someone else. It‘s like we want to be the only one that they focus on because we crave their approval and validation. But you're at least aware of it and not acting on it, so that‘s good.

Finally! Someone that gets it. Thank you! I know for a fact that I am not crushing on him. I had this happen to me before when I was like- 19. I‘ve met a similar guy and I was so "obsessed" and happy to be around him, talk and call him everyday. After a few days of not talking (which was hard), that obsessive phase stopped. So, no crush.

[basil67]

15 hours ago, cookieboobie said:

Finally! Someone that gets it. Thank you! I know for a fact that I am not crushing on him. I had this happen to me before when I was like- 19. I‘ve met a similar guy and I was so "obsessed" and happy to be around him, talk and call him everyday. After a few days of not talking (which was hard), that obsessive phase stopped. So, no crush.

OK, I was confused because you'd gendered the discussion.  About how his behavour was yukky and most women wouldn't want to hear about another woman.

But sure, I have felt a twinge of (unreasonable) jealousy when a close female friend speaks about hanging out with her other friends.   But my jealousy is definitely unreasonable and they shouldn't have to pretend that I'm their only friend.