I have a pathological need to self sabotage any sort of relationship

[BornUnderPunches97]

Most of people in my live are mere acquaintances.

I love my closest family members unconditionally but I generally don't socialize with them too much.

Every single romantic relationship I had was self-sabotaged by me in span from few days to few weeks.

My only "stable" relationships was with my first girlfriend at age 21. But that only lasted 2-3 months.

I also self-sabotage any potential friendships

Is there a name for such condition?

Does anyone else has similar experiences?

[mark clemson]

I don't know about names/conditions and that's certainly not my experience. However, what you describe is apparently not all that uncommon as it's certainly out there in the romantic advice and psychology worlds. If you've seen some of these folks with extensive and completely unrealistic criteria lists for potential partners, that's one form of this sort of thing IMO.

I would guess it's rooted in some sort of unconscious fear on your part or possibly unconscious modelling e.g. of your parents relationship. It may also be a form of (strong, problematic) avoidant-attachment style.

If therapy is feasible it might help you better understand what may be going on. If you choose to do that, a therapist who genuinely specializes in this sort of thing and has a lot of experience might be a better bet than one less experienced in with your sort of issue.

Edited April 8 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

Sounds like something that could be resolved with therapy.   You need more than a forum.  

[FredEire]

On 4/8/2024 at 10:05 PM, BornUnderPunches97 said:

Most of people in my live are mere acquaintances.

I love my closest family members unconditionally but I generally don't socialize with them too much.

Every single romantic relationship I had was self-sabotaged by me in span from few days to few weeks.

My only "stable" relationships was with my first girlfriend at age 21. But that only lasted 2-3 months.

I also self-sabotage any potential friendships

Is there a name for such condition?

Does anyone else has similar experiences?

It's hard to say without more information but it could be a mix between self-sabotage and choosing the wrong partners. Do you ever meet people who you can never seem to do anything "right" around and are constantly walking on eggshells?

Of course there may be cases where you sabotage something that could have been legitimately good but my guess is if you are in some kind of pattern of avoiding relationships it's likely to be a mix of both experiences, sometimes screwing it up yourself or meeting people who always make you feel like you screw everything up.

People who've really got the love blinkers on will tend to stick around no matter what up to a fault, even when their partners have really screwed up and done unforgiveable things that should really make them leave.

[Lauriebell82]

On 4/8/2024 at 5:22 PM, mark clemson said:

I don't know about names/conditions and that's certainly not my experience. However, what you describe is apparently not all that uncommon as it's certainly out there in the romantic advice and psychology worlds. If you've seen some of these folks with extensive and completely unrealistic criteria lists for potential partners, that's one form of this sort of thing IMO.

I would guess it's rooted in some sort of unconscious fear on your part or possibly unconscious modelling e.g. of your parents relationship. It may also be a form of (strong, problematic) avoidant-attachment style.

If therapy is feasible it might help you better understand what may be going on. If you choose to do that, a therapist who genuinely specializes in this sort of thing and has a lot of experience might be a better bet than one less experienced in with your sort of issue.

This is exactly what it is. Hallmark avoidant attachment related wounds. Avoidants sabotage relationships for various reasons, usually stemming from childhood trauma and/or abuse or poor role models from their parent's marital relationship. Avoidants are also deathly afraid of losing any sense of control over themselves and/or their independence so they tend to to try beat their partners to the punch by pushing anyone away who tries to get close to them. Anyone who sticks around and passes "their tests" they just keep on trying to push away until eventually that person's resolve gets the best of them and that way they can blame their partners for leaving and abandoning- them all the while confirming their beliefs that they are unlovable and unworthy of a relationship. When in reality it was the avoidants actions all along that caused their partners to leave but they continue to project this blame onto them to save their own fragile sense of sense. Avoidants are high in narcisssistic traits and so this cycle tends to repeat itself. If I were you I would get therapy and become more self aware of your own patterns if you intend to have a healthy relationship. These patterns are so deep rooted that they are almost impossible to break without the help of a skilled therapist who specializies in attachment theory like myself. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm skeptical. Do you know the difference between self sabotage and disinterest?

Is your self-sabotage based in fear? We need some examples.  Because it could truly be that you just didn't want to be with these other people. You might be someone out of touch with what you REALLY feel inside? 

You need to identify the thoughts and feelings leading up to you pulling away, if that's what you do. 

BTW: likely your family upbringing plays a part in your relationship struggles. 

[smackie9]

Sounds like you have a lot of past baggage from your childhood that moulded you this way emotionally. Most likely you could use a therapist to unpack this, so you can really find true meaning to where it comes from and how to change the way your brain works. I say this...you are this way because it's a learned coping mechanism. From what will be determined by a professional.

Edited April 21 by smackie9

[Esteban]

I think I agree with going to see a professional specialized in this issue. Is that going to be a possibility?