GF becoming escort

[LosingSoul]

Hi, it's 2am in UK and I spent the past couple of hours walking outside no where to go or someone to talk to.

 

My girlfriend of 4 years is from Mexico, severely ill with aplastic amenia. She's planning to become an escort to fund her surgery (chemotherapy combined with bone marrow transplant, £42,000) then potentially lifetime of blood transfusions at £2,400 per week. She's previously had one bone marrow transplant which failed after 5 months, her friend previously funded that surgery and unable to help again. Current condition is without further treatment she might not live beyond 3-6 months. I normally visit Mexico twice a year, we talk on the phone for several hours almost every evening in the past 4 years. This is someone I spent a lot of time bonding with, we have been talking about getting married. I have been in her family home, her mother's accepted me, her grandmother before she passed away also accepted me. I have seen my girlfriend's condition in person, some skin starting to develop rashes which won't heal due to her body not generating red blood cells.

 

She's not eligible for NHS treatment since she's not a citizen in UK.

I have calculated with borrowing I can come up with half the amount, but I need help from my mother who's never met my girlfriend in person before. I asked my girlfriend to come to UK to spend 2 weeks with my mother before I ask her for financial assistance, my mother won't just help without seeing her in person... my girlfriend has ADHD to a limited extent, doesn't want to travel because her cat who lived with her since young is ill and requires feeding every 3 hrs, and doesn't want to cause me financially difficulty.

I said I rather be in financial difficulty for the next 2-3 years to her becoming an escort, her way of thinking is this 'job' will fix her problems without burdening me.

She's been honest, but I don't think I can respect her or marry a woman who's been an escort. 

I don't know what to do or say to her. Honestly I rather her cat die so she doesn't have a reason not to come to UK. She bonded with her cat, the last gift her father got her before he died so I can understand her obsessive desire to caring for her cat.

Edited April 8 by LosingSoul

[basil67]

I'm so sorry that your friend is in this situation, however you should not be borrowing money to give to a woman that you're not even married to or have a family with.   You say that you'll be in financial difficulty for the next 2-3 years if you do this, but she apparently needs blood transfusions to the cost of nearly 10,000 quid a month for the rest of her life.  Are you going to pay for that too?  How would you even begin to repay the loans with these ongoing expenses?   What type of collateral can you offer to secure a loan?

Further, it's completely inappropriate that you would ask your mother to gift such an enormous amount of money.  She has her own future to fund.

I hate to say it, but I see no other option for your friend.

 

[basil67]

Further, seeing marks on her arm should not be enough evidence for you to consider giving your friend money.  You should do nothing until you've visited her oncologist together and discussed treatment options and costs with the doctor.  First you have to see the evidence and then possibly advocate for her. 

Honestly, even if she did escort, I can't see that she'd earn the 160,000 quid she'd need for this year alone.  And how would she fund the 12,000 per year ongoing? 

[LosingSoul]

The blood transfusion is if the surgery doesn't work again, it's a high risk surgery. I don't have a way of the surgery fails. I'm completely banking on if I can help her have the surgery it will work.

I would be borrowing an unsecured loan, plus help from my mother if she agrees which I think she will only if she meets my girlfriend.

 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, LosingSoul said:

The blood transfusion is if the surgery doesn't work again, it's a high risk surgery. I don't have a way of the surgery fails. I'm completely banking on if I can help her have the surgery it will work.

I would be borrowing an unsecured loan, plus help from my mother if she agrees which I think she will only if she meets my girlfriend.

 

How much do you have in savings and how much do you need to borrow?   Has anyone agreed to lend it to you yet?   If so, what interest rate would you be paying?  What are the repayments vs your income?  Are you in a well paying job?

Unless your mother is a very wealthy philanthropist, it's inappropriate of you to ask her for this money.   And if she is a philanthropist, she would be smart enough to not give a single cent of her money without first having evidence of the condition and costs involved. This goes back to you having to visit the oncologist with your girlfriend to discuss treatment options and costs. 

If the "oncologist" works out of a room which isn't in a medical centre or hospital, be sure to do background check them.  Trust but verify

 

Edited April 8 by basil67

[LosingSoul]

I have checked, I'm able to get a unsecured loan and have an email offering this, I have not yet accepted the offer. It's high interest rate but I'm working in 3 jobs so that's manageable. I have worked over 2 years in each job. 

I can go to Mexico to verify but that costs money and time (£800 roughly for flight ticket). Booking annual leave is also why I can't one moment fly to Mexico to verify and next moment take time off work again in short notice and so close to previous booking. One of my job I'll have to take unpaid leave or they will decline, will try asking my girlfriend to come to UK but even to get tested in UK it will cost money, or I can ask her to bring her medical paperwork but it'll be in Spanish. My girlfriend is bilingual, I don't speak Spanish. 

Seeing a doctor with her is not easy whether it's in Mexico or UK. I have trusted her due to her personality, she's the type who's afraid of lying out of fear of revenge, her way of thinking is not cunning, sometimes her ADHD means she's unable to think beyond what she thinks is a solution. I want to believe someone who spends so much of her time talking to me for 4 years wouldn't lie. 

I'm still thinking about what to do. It's 4am and I haven't slept at all, I have never panicked and uncertain in life to now.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, LosingSoul said:

I want to believe someone who spends so much of her time talking to me for 4 years wouldn't lie. 

If you can't afford to get down there and verify, then you can't afford to give this amount of money.  

[NuevoYorko]

If you marry her and she moves to the UK I believe that she will get NHS possibly with an affordable surcharge.   As long as she has the resident visa, which she would as your wife.   

 

Edited April 8 by NuevoYorko

[LosingSoul]

I found out she can't fly to UK, severe amenic can't fly due to compressed air on flight. I was trying to find a way from Mexico City or nearby cities in Mexico to go to Spain or France by ferry and then to UK but I can't find a route  if I'm able to support her mother for one month which isn't a lot, her mother can care for her cat and she can travel if only I can find a route from Mexico to UK that doesn't require flying. I'm wanting to try the NHS affordable surcharge method if possible.

I don't know what else to try.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you can't afford to get down there and verify, then you can't afford to give this amount of money.  

This. 

OP, you cannot afford to help her without potentially ruining yourself financially. That is not a good plan. How many times have you met your girlfriend in person? When was the last time you saw each other, and how did you meet to begin with? 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, LosingSoul said:

I found out she can't fly to UK, severe amenic can't fly due to compressed air on flight.

If her hemoglobin is below a certain level she would need additional oxygen which could be arranged for.  There are also air ambulances that can fly at sea level.  I'm sure they're very expensive.  You can probably Google to find out prices.  Or she can take a ship of course.

There is no realistic chance that a person this ill will be able to work as an escort long enough to save up all the money to pay for it.  

Sorry if this is an insensitive question, but you've been together for 4 years.  Why haven't you married her already and brought her to the UK so she could get the medical care on the NHS?  

[basil67]

I'm also doubting that she could get a UK vis in the time she has left.... and having an illness and not being married to you would only make it harder.  

All that said, you still don't know for sure that she's actually sick.  

 

[Foxhall]

I was under the impression mexican healthcare treatments are pretty good and that they look after their own citizens well in terms of healthcare.

Id be a little suspicious of her story- tread carefully.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, LosingSoul said:

My girlfriend of 4 years is from Mexico, severely ill with aplastic amenia. She's planning to become an escort to fund her surgery (chemotherapy combined with bone marrow transplant, £42,000) then potentially lifetime of blood transfusions at £2,400 per week.

And none of this is covered by Mexican healthcare? 

[SoulCat]

I doubt that UK immigration will grant her a visa at this point, as it's clear she'll be regarded as a 'heath tourist' trying to game the NHS for free (or reduced cost) treatment.

The visa process itself tends to be lengthy, and the Home Office is currently already sitting on thousands of applications, all waiting to be processed.

If her story is true, she'll not have enough time considering her alleged lifespan (sans treatment) is only 3 to 6 months.
By the time her visa application is processed, she may be too sick to travel, even by boat.

As for the unsecured, high APR loan? No, just no.
That sort of recklessness will follow you around for a very long time.
You say you already work 3 jobs, what if you can't service the loan? Get a 4th? It's madness.
Also, that loan will remain on your credit report for years to come, and even longer if you default on paying. It'll affect all your financial dealings in the future.

But my man, the whole thing just sounds so incredibly fishy.
A severely ill woman planning on doing sex work to pay for her own treatment? Having sex is a pretty physical endeavour and being at death's door hardly seems to fit in with that.

Then the whole mother/sick cat/travel/seeing her oncologist with you litany of excuses? 
Yikes.
You're being had my friend.

[OldManThinking]

The heart will make us do silly things.  If everything about the health of this woman is true, then it's grim.  The OP cares for her, so that causes him pain.  It's all perfectly understandable. 

That said, this has bad news written all over it.  You can't really know the state of her health.  You can't really know the extent to which any progression of her illness is affecting her.  You're talking of saddling yourself with enormous debt, whether things go well or badly.  And if it goes badly, then what?  The last time went badly - if it goes badly this time, then you'll be sitting where you are now with the addition of huge debt.  Just to make it even worse, you'll owe extended family money too! 

To add to the mix, the woman says she's going to get into Escorting.  Of all the jobs she could do, she's gone straight to that?  Was she an escort before?  Has she ever worked doing something else?  If she is as ill as she says, how exactly is she going to be an Escort?

It is easy to give hard advice when we don't know each other personally, and we're typing into a discussion board, but it is what it is.  My advice is - don't do this.  A lot of what you're talking about comes across as classic sex tourism antics. You're sending money, more money than you have. into a foreign country.  You're sending it to a woman who is badly ill, but doesn't want to leave her CAT to be with you.  Which really means she's not willing to make sacrifices herself, even if it leads to her being able to get the treatment she says she needs.

I think we undervalue friendship.  Be there for her to talk to, bounce ideas off, to get advice.  That is the very best thing you can do right now.  If you really want to help her with money, DO NOT BORROW MONEY.  Get a second job yourself, send that money to her.  In the mean time she can get a job her end - a normal type job - and see where that goes. 

Sorry man, I think this is the best advice I can give.

[LosingSoul]

I contacted an air ambulance service in Mexico, their initial response:

 

"For this Transfer, we would fly the patient from Mexico city to Hamilton, Canada and we will use a third party operator from Canada to Loando, we will be sending a quote for the total flight once we get word from the third party operator."

 

I told them it's to get an Aplastic Amenia patient to London from Mexico, must fly at low altitude or she'll need an oxygen tank.

I'm also begging my girlfriend to hold fire from selling herself, I just need a little bit of time to try to fix this situation 😞. Unfortunately in Mexico there's no healthcare system like NHS, no job other than prostitution that pays so much for someone who doesn't have a degree.

I was awake all night, trouble concentrating at work today and using my lunch break to contact air ambulance asking for quote.

Edited April 8 by LosingSoul

[OldManThinking]

At what point is she simply too ill to fly?  The cost of what you're suggesting here has got to be horrendous, and that's on top of any loans?  Hell, I expect it would be cheaper for you to fly to Mexico with your mother!

I looked up Healthcare for the poor in Mexico and got this:

Public healthcare has an elaborate provisioning and delivery system instituted by the Mexican government. It is provided to all Mexican citizens, as guaranteed by Article 4 of the Constitution. Public care is fully or partially subsidized by the federal government, depending upon the person's employment status.

At worst, how much would it cost to privately insure her?

[NuevoYorko]

Actually Mexico is not so bad with health care.   

Probably, if you really want to be by her side and help her, your best course of action will be to move to Mexico and help her navigate the options.   

If she is so critical that she would need an air ambulance she will not be having a successful career as a prostitute.

I'm sorry to say that I have to agree with the others who are saying that she is manipulating you for money.  The "I will be  an escort to pay for it" is too obvious under the circumstances.   

[LosingSoul]

Air ambulance is not feasible, costs about triple the surgery fee. This quote is in USD, over £117,252 compared to the surgery fee of approximately £42,000.

 

"The Total rate for this transfer will be $ 148,300.00 USD

SERVICE: BED TO BED

GROUND AMB: INCLUDED IN ORIGIN + DESTINATION

CAPACITY: 1 PATIENT + 1 COMPANION

LUGGAGE: LIMITED"

 

I gave my girlfriend false hope saying I asked for help and was told air ambulance would help, now she's even more determined she's out of options due to incorrect advice.

I'm not knowledgeable about private insurance but assuming insurance needs taking out before getting ill, not after. I don't want to give her anymore false hope only for it to backfire like the air ambulance.  :(

 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm surprised that you shared with her a "solution" that some stranger on a message board floated out there without finding the facts first - and I even told you you could Google for the cost.

This is getting more and more out there.   

 

[flitzanu]

it is really sweet that you are trying to help your sick girlfriend, but i'm with the others....all of this sounds incredibly skeptical with her story.

has she asked for large sums of money other times over your last four years of dating?

[ShyViolet]

It's completely crazy that you were considering asking your mother to pay for the surgery of someone she has never met.  This is a story you haven't even verified to be true.  It's very questionable that you are so wrapped up in the life and problems of someone who lives in another country and you only see two times a year according to you.  I think your judgment is off here.

[mark clemson]

You say she is your GF of 4 years, yet it appears you live in separate countries and see each other rarely. Her country provides reasonably adequate healthcare for its citizens, although the particular illness you describe might be a tricky one for their system. Nonetheless, people there don't have to pay huge sums for healthcare.

People, including women, do sometimes exploit others' kindness and/or feeling for them for financial gain. They are often well aware of the natural instincts many men have to protect someone they've bonded with, and the hoops they will jump through to do so.

Respectfully, you should ask yourself whether you're being scammed here and she has you "hook, line, and sinker". She could easily accept your money, deceive you that she "got treated," and a relative could inform you she passed away. She'd then be free to spend the money.

You could consider letting her do what she feels she needs to do to support herself through this. This might result in further pressure from her - "what, you're going to let me become a prostitute!?! It shows you never really cared." It's an understandable reaction (if it happens) but you can see how it's ambiguous - is it genuine fear you're abandoning her/not supporting her in a time of great need OR is it a pressure tactic playing on your emotions to get you to pony up funds?

Don't be shocked if, in several months time, she is gone and so is the money, while you're on the hook for the loan. It certainly wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened to a young man...

Edited April 8 by mark clemson

[basil67]

4 hours ago, LosingSoul said:

Air ambulance is not feasible, costs about triple the surgery fee. This quote is in USD, over £117,252 compared to the surgery fee of approximately £42,000.

 

"The Total rate for this transfer will be $ 148,300.00 USD

SERVICE: BED TO BED

GROUND AMB: INCLUDED IN ORIGIN + DESTINATION

CAPACITY: 1 PATIENT + 1 COMPANION

LUGGAGE: LIMITED"

 

I gave my girlfriend false hope saying I asked for help and was told air ambulance would help, now she's even more determined she's out of options due to incorrect advice.

I'm not knowledgeable about private insurance but assuming insurance needs taking out before getting ill, not after. I don't want to give her anymore false hope only for it to backfire like the air ambulance. 

Apparently you missed the bit where you were also advised that it would probably be expensive.  I recently donated to a fundraiser for a guy to be transferred by air ambulance from coast to coast in Australia.  The cost for his transfer was AU$100,000.   If a road ambulance can be hundreds or even a few thousand (depending on distance) what did you think a private plane, with private doctors and nurses would cost?   

And yes, private insurance has long waiting times for preexisting conditions.