faithandfood Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 (edited) So I met this guy on dating app in Dec. We started texting and chatting since Jan. We’ve had five dates so far, no sex yet. He told me from the get go he was looking for long term, which I’m looking for too. We had our fifth date this week & it was a good time. I asked him where he saw us going and he said potentially long term and how he likes me. So far the only red flag I could say is the communication can be iffy. I have not heard from since last night, and he’s been active on Instagram. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to get played. Should I ask him if he’s seeing others so I know how to move forward or just tell him to be friends? I communicated about his inconsistent communication in Feb & he said work/school. He’s off on Sundays and Mondays. But a whole day… I don’t know just getting real tired of this. Edited April 8 by faithandfood Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 8 minutes ago, faithandfood said: I have not heard from since last night, and he’s been active on Instagram. I would not call < 1 day delay in communication "iffy"...so perhaps there's more to it? How often do you initiate conversation compared to him? How often do you initiate dates compared to him? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 Just now, basil67 said: I would not call < 1 day delay in communication "iffy"...so perhaps there's more to it? How often do you initiate conversation compared to him? How often do you initiate dates compared to him? Usually I talk to him everyday. He’s not big on calling as I’ve called him mostly. And with dates, we both have initiated. I initiated the sixth date for next week. He last asked me how my Saturday was and I told him and asked how his was. Nothing since. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 Really, some people are not that great at staying in contact, especially with people that they are dating but not in a committed relationship with. Do you really have a lot to talk about in between your dates? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 If you've been talking since January and you have only had 5 dates, then I hate to say he sounds pretty lukewarm about this. I would step back and see if he initiates communication between now and your next date. You might just simply concede that he's not the right match for you. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 6 hours ago, faithandfood said: I communicated about his inconsistent communication in Feb & he said work/school. He’s off on Sundays and Mondays. But a whole day… I don’t know just getting real tired of this. 6 hours ago, faithandfood said: Usually I talk to him everyday. He’s not big on calling as I’ve called him mostly. And with dates, we both have initiated. I initiated the sixth date for next week. He last asked me how my Saturday was and I told him and asked how his was. Nothing since. I don't think work and school, however demanding, prevent someone from saying, "I had a great Saturday. Sorry, but I can't talk right now. I'm pressed for time. I'll reach out again when I'm done with my work/assignment/whatever." He's a lousy communicator. Good communication matters to you. Rest assured that, if this is him doing his best, he will become an even worse communicator as your relationship progresses and he becomes more comfortable. This is a compatibility issue. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 (edited) Your title mentions being friends. Why would you want to be his friend if the dating doesn't work out. Given that he's not doing much initiation, I suggest you drop the ball at your end and just watch the whole thing fade out. It's quite possible that the breakup conversation may never need to happen Edited April 8 by basil67 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 Thanks for the advice guys. He really replied at the exact time I last responded to him & said: “Hey!! Sorry it took so long to respond today ended up being wayyy longer than expected” Mind you, he was on Instagram in the morning and afternoon. I’m not replying, my mom also advised to not meet him this Sunday. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 1 hour ago, faithandfood said: Thanks for the advice guys. He really replied at the exact time I last responded to him & said: “Hey!! Sorry it took so long to respond today ended up being wayyy longer than expected” Mind you, he was on Instagram in the morning and afternoon. I’m not replying, my mom also advised to not meet him this Sunday. I think that was a very wise decision on your part. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
OldManThinking Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 I'm an oldster. I just wanted to note how dating today, for young folk, must be hell. I mean, he hasn't sent you a message in a day? Hell, back in ye olde days you might not hear for a week! Not only that, but you can effectively stalk him by looking at his Social Media presence. You couldn't do that in my day. My old man advice is this: Relationships need to breath, and long term relationships grow organically. If he's not replying to you, it sends a message. If he's choosing to do other things than converse or see you, it sends a message. Don't get anxious if you don't hear from him for a day or two, it makes you look needy, which might turn him off, or at the very least make you appear vulnerable. Try to be yourself, let him be himself. I don't know how old you are, and how long your previous boyfriends have lasted etc., but hopefully you have time to relax, know your value, and not out yourself as someone who is a little..... demanding. And try not to spend too much time stalking potential partners online, it's the time they're with you that truly matters. Oh to be young again - I think I'd stay single forever if I had to deal with Social Media!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 59 minutes ago, happyhorizons said: I think that was a very wise decision on your part. Yeah I’m checked out. So rude and not worth the anxiety. I was gonna like the message, but I’m just not gonna reply. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 My first thought was why has there only been five dates when you started talking to him in January? This is moving extremely slowly. It suggests low interest. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 To answer your question I don't see a problem with you asking him if he's seeing other people. Has he tried to have sex with you yet? I agree with others that this is moving at a snails pace. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 No, you don't need to ask him if he's seeing others--you should ASSUME he's seeing others. Men don't accidentally move slowly with someone--that's deliberate. All you want to ask yourself is: do you feel safe? Are you clear on what he wants? After five dates, there should be clarity. He already raised the issue of his bad communication. So dump him and move. You don't need to know whether he's seeing other people or not. He might have a gambling habit or a tv addiction. Who cares? All you want to care about is, is he there for you in the way you want him to be? If not, move on. You don't really have to announce anything. Just start dating elsewhere. Return his next text/call if you want. Or just pull away. You might be surprised--he might not notice. And if he does notice you pulling away, he can step up. I'm a guy and I will say if a guy is really interested in you, you would have clarity about that. He'd be leaning in to enjoy your company and he'd be leaning in because he doesn't want someone else to come along. Doesn't matter that he expressed an interest in a long-term relationship early on. What matters is his behavior. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 12 hours ago, OldManThinking said: I'm an oldster. I just wanted to note how dating today, for young folk, must be hell. I mean, he hasn't sent you a message in a day? Hell, back in ye olde days you might not hear for a week! Not only that, but you can effectively stalk him by looking at his Social Media presence. You couldn't do that in my day. My old man advice is this: Relationships need to breath, and long term relationships grow organically. If he's not replying to you, it sends a message. If he's choosing to do other things than converse or see you, it sends a message. Don't get anxious if you don't hear from him for a day or two, it makes you look needy, which might turn him off, or at the very least make you appear vulnerable. Try to be yourself, let him be himself. I don't know how old you are, and how long your previous boyfriends have lasted etc., but hopefully you have time to relax, know your value, and not out yourself as someone who is a little..... demanding. And try not to spend too much time stalking potential partners online, it's the time they're with you that truly matters. Oh to be young again - I think I'd stay single forever if I had to deal with Social Media!! Haha, another oldster here. Yeah, the social media stalking is pretty terrifying. But in ye olde days there were ways to stalk people as well. I remember how I couldn’t get over my very first breakup, so I just went to wherever I knew my freshly made ex would appear soon. In front of her classroom, on a bus stop after classes, near her house… Asked her friends about what she was doing constantly, who was she seen with, and so on. More primitive tools, same mindset. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 12 hours ago, faithandfood said: Yeah I’m checked out. So rude and not worth the anxiety. I was gonna like the message, but I’m just not gonna reply. I think that is a GOOD move on your part. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 5 hours ago, stillafool said: To answer your question I don't see a problem with you asking him if he's seeing other people. Has he tried to have sex with you yet? I agree with others that this is moving at a snails pace. Nope hasn’t tried having sex with me. Just been kissing at most. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: No, you don't need to ask him if he's seeing others--you should ASSUME he's seeing others. Men don't accidentally move slowly with someone--that's deliberate. All you want to ask yourself is: do you feel safe? Are you clear on what he wants? After five dates, there should be clarity. He already raised the issue of his bad communication. So dump him and move. You don't need to know whether he's seeing other people or not. He might have a gambling habit or a tv addiction. Who cares? All you want to care about is, is he there for you in the way you want him to be? If not, move on. You don't really have to announce anything. Just start dating elsewhere. Return his next text/call if you want. Or just pull away. You might be surprised--he might not notice. And if he does notice you pulling away, he can step up. I'm a guy and I will say if a guy is really interested in you, you would have clarity about that. He'd be leaning in to enjoy your company and he'd be leaning in because he doesn't want someone else to come along. Doesn't matter that he expressed an interest in a long-term relationship early on. What matters is his behavior. You’re right. I don’t feel safe and it doesn’t feel clear. So I’m going to not reply and move on. Like you said, if he cares he can step up. But this isn’t what I’m looking for long term. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 I think you're best to just let this one go, yes. He doesn't sound overly interested to begin with. 5 dates 3 months is not very much so I don't think there was a lot to work with anyway. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 The amount of dates doesn't match your expectations for communication. Seems a bit clingy to me given you guys have just had a few dates. It's not that weird to be busy and not be in touch for a few hours, even if you are seeing someone more seriously. I would ease off on the text anxiety, and try to see him more in person, as 5 dates in 3 months really is not a lot for someone you want to get serious with. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think you're best to just let this one go, yes. He doesn't sound overly interested to begin with. 5 dates 3 months is not very much so I don't think there was a lot to work with anyway. It really does seem like there is minimal interest and you might just be better off without him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 On 4/8/2024 at 2:54 AM, faithandfood said: So I met this guy on dating app in Dec. We started texting and chatting since Jan. We’ve had five dates so far, no sex yet. He told me from the get go he was looking for long term, which I’m looking for too. We had our fifth date this week & it was a good time. I asked him where he saw us going and he said potentially long term and how he likes me. So far the only red flag I could say is the communication can be iffy. I have not heard from since last night, and he’s been active on Instagram. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to get played. Should I ask him if he’s seeing others so I know how to move forward or just tell him to be friends? I communicated about his inconsistent communication in Feb & he said work/school. He’s off on Sundays and Mondays. But a whole day… I don’t know just getting real tired of this. I think when communication is sporadic it can lead to a lot of questionable judgement. My advice would to sit down and speak to him about his communication style, clearly after 5 dates there is mutual attraction so I do not think he would be playing you, especially as you have not had sex yet. Look at the positive that this is the only red flag, that is something to be happy about! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author faithandfood Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I think when communication is sporadic it can lead to a lot of questionable judgement. My advice would to sit down and speak to him about his communication style, clearly after 5 dates there is mutual attraction so I do not think he would be playing you, especially as you have not had sex yet. Look at the positive that this is the only red flag, that is something to be happy about! Yeah I get. The only thing he was purposely ignoring because he was on Instagram morning and afternoon & then replied at the same time I last responded. Just feels like playing games. I don’t think he’s a phone caller because I’ve called mostly & we’ve talked on the phone 3 times? I brought it up last date & he said his phone’s microphone is broken so he texts and he does voice memos. He hasn’t sent me any voice memos, just texts. I haven’t replied to the last text, but after reflecting I don’t think this for me. I don’t feel stable. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 Frankly I think you're a bit off base. If you've only had a few dates over several months, and have only kissed, this seems like a situation of VERY "casual dating." Sporadic texting communication seems quite appropriate. Don't go down the path of "how rude" he is being. You also have gone along with this blasé connection. I don't think you have reasons to be angry or anxious. Neither one of you has made much of a push to get this anywhere. Also - it's really not your business whether a guy you're off and on dating is on IG or whatever instead of texting with you. You're not in a relationship. I definitely agree with you that you should move on. You're feeling bad about this and it's evidently not going anywhere. Keep looking! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 1 hour ago, faithandfood said: Yeah I get. The only thing he was purposely ignoring because he was on Instagram morning and afternoon & then replied at the same time I last responded. Just feels like playing games. I don’t think he’s a phone caller because I’ve called mostly & we’ve talked on the phone 3 times? I brought it up last date & he said his phone’s microphone is broken so he texts and he does voice memos. He hasn’t sent me any voice memos, just texts. I haven’t replied to the last text, but after reflecting I don’t think this for me. I don’t feel stable. I guess a lot would depend on how good those dates were and whether you feel there is enough attraction and compatibility. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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