Breaking up with someone who isn't ready but won't let you move on

[LovelyLily]

Hi,

I'm a newbie to the forum and excited and a little scared at the same time. I have previously never expressed my thoughts and feelings this way but here we go. Hoping to get some feedback on my situation from you out there who might have some experience with this.

About 2.5 years ago I met a man in the town where I live. Our paths used to naturally cross a few times per week and it took months before we even started chatting. I was at the end of a rebound relationship post my separation at the time and didn't think any of it other than that he was very cute and easy to talk to. I knew he was interested in me since he was constantly looking for me and smiled ear -to ear when I caught his gaze. Adorable really. After my relationship ended a couple of months later my interest grew stronger and I decided to take the first step and initiated contact. What then followed was a whirlwind of intense infatuation that turned into love and a strong friendship after about a year. We fell fast and we fell hard but we decided to keep it to ourselves since there were children in the picture and we were both recently out of long-term relationships.

I had been separated longer than he had and started feeling ready to take it to the next level and make it more official. He panicked and told me that even if I was the "One" he needed time to get over his fear of getting into a new relationship and worried about the unknown. I understood and was willing to wait but after a number of months the topic came up again and he still hadn't made up his mind whether he was ready to make the jump or not. He expressed how he still felt tremendous guilt for leaving his former relationship which devastated his partner at the time and was worried about her reaction to the news and how that could impact the children. He wanted his ex to be in a more stable emotional/mental place so the revelation of me wouldn't instigate custody battles, asset battles etc Even if I to some degree could understand his viewpoint, since I was going through something similar, it still left me hurt and I started doubting myself and his feelings for me. We attempted to continue the relationship again but I couldn't go on as before in the confusing and somewhat un-balanced situation we were in. I felt ready to commit fully and he didn't. He knew very well that I wasn't a pushy person at all and could offer him a lot of empathy and patience but he still didn't dare to take the leap out of fear. It came to a point when we broke up and got back together a few times and my anxiety levels spiked and I felt my confidence taking a hit. He continued to reassure me that he truly loved me and envisioned the same future as I did but time went on and nothing changed. He jumped at any sign of his ex's frustration and struggled to set boundaries. He still tried to be everything to everyone including me. Of course it didn't work. It came to a point where I broke down and said I couldn't do this anymore. He then expressed that he should take some space (6-12 months) to work on himself and "clean" up the circumstances of his previous relationship and divorce. He still wanted to keep in touch with me even if we didn't hang out as before. He also said that he felt like he had to lose me to get his act in gear. That hurt to hear too of course even if I could see the truth in it. I knew that staying in contact would only cause me more hurt during the break since he was a bit all over the place with who he was and very indecisive. I told him I couldn't stay in touch with him until he knew without a doubt that he was ready and asked him to only to contact me if and when that happened. I knew it would be emotional suicide to wait for him and I had to try and let him go and move on for my own sanity and self respect. The break up happened a few weeks ago now and he keeps driving by my house every day (I can see him even if he doesn't always see me) and he finds excuses to "check up on me" via text or phone call. Everytime he does that I feel my heart breaking again and I have asked him to stop and it got better for a week but he still drops me the odd texts and calls. I know he is hurting a lot but he has ultimately made the decision to stay where he is and I respect that. I don't feel like I have a choice other than trying to move on and if our paths cross at a later time then maybe we can restart and have a normal relationship. I've never had a heartbreak like this where you have end a relationship with someone you love and who loves you too but not willing to compromise.

How do I better distance myself from him even if it breaks my heart to do? How do I mend a broken heart when he doesn't want to see me move on and doesn't leave me alone? On top of that I have to be around him a few times per week due to circumstances outside of my control. Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated!

This turned out to be a marathon email which wasn't my initial intention. thanks for your time!

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you've been through this experience.  You were absolutely right to get some boundaries in place, however the fact that he's not respecting them is worrisome.  The driving past your house is borderline stalking.  He's showing that he's high risk if you chose to take him on as a partner because if it goes bad, he won't respect your need to be away from him.  At this point you should now rule out any future with him.

You sound like a very good and kind person, but it's now time to stop being nice to him.  In your shoes, I'd choose one of two methods:  The simple way would be to block him on all platforms without notice - after all, he does know that you that you want him to stop so it shouldn't come as a surprise.  Or you could message him and tell him that due to his lack of respect for your need for space, you are about to block him. (You could add that and that if you tries to contact you again, or keeps driving past your home, you'll be sharing details of your relationship and his behaviour with his ex, but that's only if you want to be a bit threatening).   And then block him immediately before he has a chance to respond.

Given his already inappropriate behaviour, it's possible that he will escalate if you further enforce more boundaries.  If this happens, please take note of every time he tries to get in contact with you.  If he knocks on the door, do not answer.  If you don't already have them, put security cams on the your home.  You can DIY and they aren't expensive.  If you start to feel unsafe or harassed, take this evidence to the the police for a restraining order.  I don't want to scare you, but his behaviour is messed up, so you really need to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Do you know anyone who knows his ex?  It would be interesting to find out if she's experiencing any of this inappropriate behaviour.  One of my friends who had serious issues with the behaviour of her ex partner got in contact with his former wife.  They exchanged stories...and let's just say it was enlightening 

Edited April 5, 2024 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

What does this mean, he won't "let" you move on?  You never give someone else that level of power over you.  It's up to you to create boundaries and enforce them.  He has not been respecting your wishes or boundaries and that is not okay.  You don't give in to that and let someone walk all over you.  The driving by your house is creepy and stalking behavior.  You let him know that it is NOT okay for him to keep driving by your house, or to keep texting and calling you.  You tell him that these are your boundaries and this is what you need to do right now for your emotional well being, and you're not asking but you're telling him that he needs to respect those boundaries.  Then you block him.

18 hours ago, LovelyLily said:

On top of that I have to be around him a few times per week due to circumstances outside of my control.

What does this mean exactly?

Edited April 6, 2024 by ShyViolet

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, LovelyLily said:

How do I better distance myself from him even if it breaks my heart to do?

Block him from contacting you.  His excuses as to why he can't give up his ex aren't valid.  He's still got something going with her and was willing to let you go for her.  It's up to you to put a stop to it.  He's made you the other woman.