She loved me deeply, I forced her to leave, what to do?

[LLs]

Hi all,

1.5 months ago my fiancé (22) broke up with me (25) after 3.5 years together. This was after I gave her a stupid ultimatum in which I said “IDC if you leave or stay, I’m good either way, just make a decision, let’s not waste each others time”. (Yea I know I’m dumb and got bad advice)

3 days before giving the ultimatum I didn’t message her on valentines day which I know is a really special day for her (she even told me so when a few years back I didn't text her on it). (Yea I know I’m dumb)

She messaged me later that night saying she made her decision a few days ago and she’s “PROUDLY” ending off our engagement because I’m not worthy of her. 

I didn’t respond and immediately we went tit-for-tat blocking eachother everywhere.

The next day I called her mom to collect the ring. I was on 2 hours of sleep, hurt and angry. So when her dad met me at the door and handed me the ring in a garbage bag with a smug look on his face I called him fat.

The ultimatum came out of a conflict where I had bought a house in a city 1H away perceived to be bad for my family. And I got insecure, worried about what if I can’t sell it down the line without losing money etc so might be stuck, so I asked her if she would ever live there with me and if she would live there with my family if s*** hits the fan. She said no but I kept bringing it up. (I was the most stressed and hopeless I’ve been during that month).

Eventually her parents noticed how stressed she was and called me over, wherein her dad disrespected me calling me “disadvantaged”. Her mom was a lot softer telling me she loved me but I need to take it easy on her daughter.

1 week after the breakup I decided to text her from a texting-app number saying I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it when I said I don’t care about you. I’ll forever love you etc. She didn’t respond for 5 days so I deleted that number.

6 weeks into the breakup I decided to message her mom to apologize and ask for another chance. No response, but I’m not sure if her mom saw it because I found out she blocked me on WhatsApp and can’t tell if she blocked me on SMS.

Anyways I really love this girl and now I’m over this “move in with me to X” crap. I just want to be with her anywhere. I’m gonna save talking about how much I miss her to not make this post too long.

ALSO I know she loved me soooooo much. I was her first serious relationship, first love, and I was the man of her dream. I did say things like “I feel hopeless” during the house hunt that probably turned her off, but still 1-2 months before the breakup she wouldn’t let go of me when I dropped her off home and was so happy with me.

Since we broke up I have improved my life a lot, quit bad habits, changed my attitudes, losing weight and still hitting the gym. Went on a trip, became very productive at work and looking for a better job and to peruse a masters. But I still miss her and want her back.

What’s my best chance? Do I send a long DM on Instagram? Call her? Shorter DM saying I been thinking about you, want to talk to see how you are? Call her mom? Get my mom to call her mom? (We’re from a traditional background, this might be more ok) Maybe something more romantic? (She's a sucker for romance, nice gestures and words ) Once I had made her cry and a few days later I dropped of a letter at her house with chocolates and she loved it, obviously this time is different idk.

My fear is even if she wants to get back, her parents would stop her. She’s a daddy’s and mommy’s girl (which I like actually - family oriented) so I don’t know if she can fight them off for me.

Do I wait longer before contacting her? Or do it asap before she thinks I don’t care about her. She's the avoidant type if that helps.

Edited April 3 by LLs

[mark clemson]

15 minutes ago, LLs said:

 But I still miss her and want her back.

What’s my best chance?

 

Not gonna happen - move on. Don't pull stuff like this next time. You've seen the results, and they're overwhelmingly likely to be irreversible.

It doesn't matter how many bad habits you fix/lifestyle changes you make. All that stuff is only going to make you better for whoever's next.

Life's a marathon, not a sprint, and you'll get over her eventually.

Edited April 3 by mark clemson

[LLs]

s*** man really? I know she was crazy in love with me. I was incredibly stressed, but I never neglected her emotions. Was always there for her emotionally. It was just the last week where I didn't message on Valentines because I was mad she didn't defend me when her dad called me disadvantaged, then I got bad advice to give an ultimatum and act like I don't care. My real reason for the ultimatum was to see if she was gonna stick with me no matter what but obviously I did it the complete wrong way

It sucks because I know if we ever met face to face we would get back together when she sees how much I've changed.

And she loved me more than you can believe. She was so excited at the prospect of getting married. 

Edited April 3 by LLs

[mark clemson]

Not sure where you got this advice, but yeah, it was bad.

In a situation like you describe, I think no, she's not going to take you back. Trying to "nice" her back won't work. It will make her feel "secure" that "you still need HER" (and so less likely to feel she needs to act to "keep you") and also remind her of what happened.

But TBQH I doubt she even wants you back. Try not to project your own feelings (which are probably due in part to "breakup" limerence) onto her. She may feel quite content with things being over. Or, if not "content" at least firmly settled on the matter. You making changes doesn't really impact the situation.

Just make yourself as attractive as possible - a new woman will come your way sooner or later. If it doesn't happen naturally, then put yourself out there so it does.

Edited April 3 by mark clemson

[LLs]

I appreciate your honesty but as delusional as it sounds I want to try because she is really so damn special. I know I had a big spot in her heart and broke her heart. 

 

So I still want to do my best and hope for the best. I know how to make her happy and did so for atleast 3.2 months until the toughest moments of my life 😪

 

Still just don't know how to approach it

[basil67]

Perhaps if you'd broken up in a respectful manner she may have given you another chance, but there's really no coming back after the disrespect you showed everyone.  In her mind, you'll be the bullet she dodged.

It's good that you've given yourself a kick up the rear end and made changes to your life - this will help you in the future.  But if your ex sees how much you've changed since the relationship ended, it will simply reinforce the fact that you didn't do it when it would have made a difference.

Out of curiosity, what happened BEFORE her dad said you were disadvantaged?

[LLs]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps if you'd broken up in a respectful manner she may have given you another chance, but there's really no coming back after the disrespect you showed everyone.  In her mind, you'll be the bullet she dodged.

 SAD! For some reason I feel like there is hope. I was in a really bad place, the most stressed I've been in my life. I'm not saying it was ok to behave the way I did but damn. I may regret this for life if it doesn't work out. It definitely would take a lot for them to give me another chance, I wish there was a good way to show them that this wasn't the usual me
 

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps if you'd broken up in a respectful manner she may have given you another chance, but there's really no coming back after the disrespect you showed everyone.  In her mind, you'll be the bullet she dodged.

It's good that you've given yourself a kick up the rear end and made changes to your life - this will help you in the future.  But if your ex sees how much you've changed since the relationship ended, it will simply reinforce the fact that you didn't do it when it would have made a difference.

Out of curiosity, what happened BEFORE her dad said you were disadvantaged?

It was in reference to me buying a house in a "bad" city. Its crazy cuz I'm 25 y/o in a very high cost of living place and the house I bought cost more than the one he bought in 2008. He also gave me the ring in a garbage bag before I called him fat. I want make amends for her but he is definitely very disrespectful. You had to be there to hear all his snide comments. Saying "I didn't work this hard for my daughter's standards to drop".  I know I make a top 10% income for my age group and work a regarded "white-collar job". Maybe it just my ego that was really hurt by his words.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, LLs said:

 SAD! For some reason I feel like there is hope. I was in a really bad place, the most stressed I've been in my life. I'm not saying it was ok to behave the way I did but damn. I may regret this for life if it doesn't work out. It definitely would take a lot for them to give me another chance, I wish there was a good way to show them that this wasn't the usual me

 

OK, the ultimatum was very badly worded, but there would have been a reason you gave it.  People don't generally come with an ultimatum unless they are already at their wits end with the choices and behaviour of the other party.  Had the two of you been fighting? Did she already have one foot out the door?  Was she doing stuff which made you felt unwanted or unloved?

What had happened to make you seek advice on how to deal with the relationship?

Edited April 4 by basil67

[LLs]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

OK, the ultimatum was very badly worded, but there would have been a reason you gave it.  People don't generally come with an ultimatum unless they are already at their wits end with the choices and behaviour of the other party.  Had the two of you been fighting? Did she already have one foot out the door?  Was she doing stuff which made you felt unwanted or unloved?

What had happened to make you seek advice on how to deal with the relationship?

After she told me shes never gonna live with me in a city like X and never gonna live with my family, her parents brought me reaffirm that and her dad disrespected me, thinly suggesting I'm not well off enough for his daughter. When I talked to friends they said the girl's gotta be willing to live with her man anywhere. She sounds like a golddigger etc. I was mad and this lit a fire in me. 

 

So the ultimatum's premise was what if this is the best I can do, are you gonna be a ride or die? But I didnt convey it well of course. She initially kept saying I need to first see where I'm gonna find work (shes in college still) and I kept insisting for an answer. She said you sent me all those dangerous things about that city (I was stupid and insecure with my choice, was also a lot of nhilistic dark humour) I told her I was joking I wouldnt take my famuly somewhere unsafe. 

 

At some point in the convo I felt her detach and I kept insisting for an answer. She said ok I'll go home and think about it. 45 min later she texted to end it.

 

I know she was mad cuz I was driving home in the same direction as her, I ended up behind her and she sped through a light turning red to get away (she would usually never do that).

 

I don't know how to show her that I dont care about X city anymore. I was just stressed insecure, chronically getting less than 6h of sleep etc.

[basil67]

It doesn't matter that you don't care about X city anymore.  There's really no coming back from this.  

I find the comment "A girl's gotta be willing to live with her man anywhere" deeply patriarchal.  Even if you had worded it well, if she knew that this was your line of thinking, she probably would have ended it over that too.   What is the logic that it's the woman who has to be flexible and live where ever her partner wants to live?   Why not work together to get everyone's needs met?   It's also understandable that she didn't want to live with a partner's family.  

Your biggest mistake was also in the assumption that you could "take" your family anywhere (safe or unsafe) without their enthusiastic agreement.  Again, deeply patriarchal.  If you want a relationship, you've got to learn to be a team player.   For example, my husband and I have looked at different properties over the years and both of us get full veto rights on houses or suburbs which don't work for either one of us.  I guess it's different because we're long established, but if you want a woman to live with you, she's not going to do it if it doesn't offer what she needs in terms of jobs /education /transport /proximity to family /affordability/ safety /other personal needs....just as you wouldn't move somewhere which didn't suit your needs.  

If you knew that she didn't want to live where you were buying, you had a choice of finding another location or finding another girlfriend.  An ultimatum was only ever going to make this worse.

Edited April 4 by basil67

[SurfCity]

6 hours ago, LLs said:

Saying "I didn't work this hard for my daughter's standards to drop". 

What did he mean by this? Was he talking about the house or something else? 

Ride or die is a very juvenile mindset. Would you be happy to do something that would harm yourself just to prove yourself to her? What about selling this house at a major loss just because she wanted you to prove that you're ride or die for her? If it doesn't make sense for you then it doesn't make sense for her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is over, OP. 

But it seems you were not willing to admit that there are several reasons why you were at your wit's end as well. This ran its course and you should focus on healing and moving on. 

[MsJayne]

If she wasn't prepared to do things a little harder for a while so you could get ahead she's not really worth worrying about. Especially if you come from a culture where women are still in a man-must-provide-for-woman mindset. I agree with your friends, you dodged a bullet. Her father sounds like a massive douche-bag but you still shouldn't have insulted him if you hoped to marry his daughter, that was a really dumb move. Next relationship try not to be spiteful when you're upset, it just turns the other person off and achieves nothing except making you look childish. Also, I advise avoiding the princess/daddy's girl type, their sense of entitlement too often leads to them to be vicious and greedy in the divorce settlement, which inevitably happens when their cuteness wears off and you're left with a domineering cash vacuum. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

If she wasn't prepared to do things a little harder for a while so you could get ahead she's not really worth worrying about. Especially if you come from a culture where women are still in a man-must-provide-for-woman mindset. I agree with your friends, you dodged a bullet. Her father sounds like a massive douche-bag but you still shouldn't have insulted him if you hoped to marry his daughter, that was a really dumb move. Next relationship try not to be spiteful when you're upset, it just turns the other person off and achieves nothing except making you look childish. Also, I advise avoiding the princess/daddy's girl type, their sense of entitlement too often leads to them to be vicious and greedy in the divorce settlement, which inevitably happens when their cuteness wears off and you're left with a domineering cash vacuum. 

I couldn't put it better.

OP, not only is she a daddy's girl, but she also comes across as someone who's still a child. A grown woman should be able to decide for herself whether she's willing to stand by her man's choices. Her parents can advice her, but she should ultimately be the one making her own decisions and expressing them to you as her decisions.

In the situation you describe, it sounds like her parents were way too involved in the dynamic between you two. And you know what? It may be the cultural norm in your neck of the woods for relatives to be super-close. But this was totally unhealthy. You can be close to your parents and still have boundaries. That's what you should aim for in your own relationship with your family. And it's what you should look for in your girlfriend's relationship with her family.

It's not normal for your girlfriend's/fiance's father to disrespect you to your face. And it's not normal for you to retaliate either. If that's the foundation for your interactions with each other, then you're best off walking away. Your marriage cannot work with so much opposition from her family when she's obviously going to want them to be involved in her life daily.

I think you have a lot of growing up to do, OP. You made a lot of rookie mistakes in the situation you describe here, and you need to learn from your mistakes. But you should also let this particular woman go and make a better effort, when you're ready to date again, to meet women who are better suited to you.

[Andy_K]

People don't throw away a 3.5 year relationship over a single incident. She's let this end for a multitude of reasons, and it's too late to change or apologise for any of them. Learn from it and continue your journey of self-improvement, you'll end up in a better place. 

[Gebidozo]

OP, an advice for your future: never, ever use ultimatums to achieve your desired goal. 

Ultimatums almost never work. And when they do, you’d wish they wouldn’t. Achieving your goal via an ultimatum is winning a battle, but losing the war.

Your ex’s father sounds rude and unpleasant. But your ultimatum is no better. Your relationship is over, but your love life isn’t. Learn from your grave mistake and move on.

[LLs]

@basil67Yep you're right. I'm not sure why I thought like that. I understand now how toxic that is.

@SurfCityYep he was talking in regards to her moving to X city. I used to also drive a broken car despite making good money despite making a good income so I'm guessing he viewed me as too poor for his daughter 😕

@MsJayneI understand what you're saying, but regardless she's incredibly kind and sweet that I still want her.

@Acacia98You're right but she's still young. I think back to when I was 22 years old and I was a lot more immature than I am now, so I think these things will come with time. And to your point about my mistakes: Yup and that hurts the most. I can list out every single mistake I've made that led to the breakup, direct and indirect. I know there are 4 billion women but its hard to describe how special she is.

@Andy_KI understand that but I swear 1 month before breakup she was so happy with me. I know I did a bunch of bad things before that but the relationship was still good

@GebidozoLesson learned. I cannot believe I actually listen to the advice to give one... 

[LLs]

I see everyone telling me its beyond repair and to move on. But I seriously want to try again. She was soooo deeply in love with me atleast a few months before the breakup, and I put her through hell in the past month, and had stopped taking care of myself like I should. 

I know that if given the chance I can make her the happiest girl on earth like I did before. She has a really pure and innocent heart and I'm sure I shattered it, and feel terrible. 

I know there is no guarantee but there has to be a way I can get another chance no? I can admit all my faults, and shortcomings. I know how to treat her soooo much better in the future.

Please someone let me know whats my best chance. I'm sure I can find another pretty girl who's really into me. Can find someone funny, successful, genuine etc. But her energy really is so rare that it's all I ever want. 

She has a penchant for romance and I'm willing to do any sort of romantic gesture, just don't know if that will push her away. Do I just give her more time to heal? Or would she think I don't care about her and just giving up on her?

She really listens to her parents, do I go through them first? Will a long text just overwhelm her? IDKKK

[Gebidozo]

Going through her parents is a really bad idea.

I can only say what I would do in your situation. I’d call her or send a text message saying something like, “I was a complete a**h***. I’m so sorry. I love you and I want to make it up to you. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but may I at least meet you and apologize in person?”

The trick is to really feel this way: remorseful, without any hope. If you truly love her, only your true desire for her happiness, regardless of whether she comes back to you or not, might ever work.

[LLs]

Am I delusional to believe that this rescuable because it ended on rage? It wasn't a slow falling out of love process. Tough times struck and I acted poorly and dumped my issues on her and she got hurt and angry. 

Selfishly despite what I've done which I genuinely feel terrible about (I feel like s*** when I think about her crying over this), I feel like I was the man of her dreams at some point and made her so happy and that I can make her so incredibly happy again now that I recognize her true value. 

If I send a text like that should I list the mistakes I've made and things I've done to correct them? God knows she would absolutely love the version of me now if she ever met me again in person. The breakup was a wakeup call...

Regarding her parents I fear they probably told her to never reply to me if I make contact and have (rightfully so in their eyes) been talking smack about me to her 😕

Sadly she is also the avoidant type.

Edited April 4 by LLs

[Gebidozo]

Nothing is impossible. I’ve seen people genuinely healing and getting back together after some really stormy breakups.

That said, I don’t think a hopeful mindset would be helpful to you now. A humble, penitent approach is better. Try to sincerely apologize to her without hoping to get her back.

[basil67]

Her parents won't be the only roadblock here.  She undoubtedly will have told all her friends about this and they would have given her endless support and reassured her that you're the a-hole and that she's lovable and will find Mr Right in time.  And just like her parents, her friends will also have her back and doing what they can to make sure she doesn't return to you.

In short, those who she respects and cares about will be sabotaging any efforts you make.  

Edited April 4 by basil67

[LLs]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Her parents won't be the only roadblock here.  She undoubtedly will have told all her friends about this and they would have given her endless support and reassured her that you're the a-hole and that she's lovable and will find Mr Right in time.  And just like her parents, her friends will also have her back and doing what they can to make sure she doesn't return to you.

It sucks because its all understandable. I know she really loved me intensely though. It kinda messes with my head how she switched from intense love over years to seemingly wanting nothing to do with me.

You think theres a chance she is just really hurt and still has feelings? I feel like I might've messed up by not apologizing asap.. Instead I probably affirmed her belief that I don't care about her.
 

Curious @basil67if there is a way, whats my best chance to fix this?

Edited April 4 by LLs

[basil67]

Why does it mess with your head that she has boundaries which she enforces?   This wasn't a petty argument over some spilled milk - this was you telling her that you don't give a s*** about her.  The fact that you don't respect her decision to end it is yet another red flag.   Have you never been given a hard NO in your life before this?

I still think you have no chance at fixing this.  

[LLs]

Yes I f***ed up. And honestly if after this attempt it doesn't work then I will forever leave her be. I know its hard to convince you that I am regretful and that in 2 months I've changed, but I had bad habits leading to this insecurity that I think subconsciously led me to push her away. Also I'm naive and was following s*** advice from someone who I trusted.

I swear I know how much I messed up. I probably need therapy but I wish she would give me another chance. It's her choice obviously and I would understand if she doesn't but the regret will probably eat me up in life.


BTW I recognize that I'm the villian in this story. The easiest thing to do would bee to vilify her but I can't because I know every single mistake I did...

You don't think someone like me deserves another chance? I am just stupid when it comes to this stuff so I looked to others for advice. I know my mistakes but please believe me that I'm not an evil guy, just really really stupid when it comes to relationships...