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Disturbing Info about Half-Brother


Oldenuff2know

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Oldenuff2know

Very long story short, my bio dad left when I was 3 years old (I am now 63 yrs old) and we had zero contact until about three years ago, when I found him on the internet and called him. We talk a couple times a month, mostly about the weather and politics. We are not close. He has a son (my half-brother) from his second marriage. The half-brother is about 6-7 years younger than me. I have never met nor spoken to him. My father talks about him when we talk on the phone about his work and hobbies - general info. I grew up with my brother (also his son) who molested me from the time I was 8 until I was about 13. 

Today, it's quiet at work, so I was doing some Google searches because I like to keep track of where my older brother is located, and what he's up to. Some years ago, he went online and got ordained. He then took a job as a youth pastor in a church. When I found out, I called the church to let them know about his past and that he should not be involved with children. (Before anyone piles on thinking I might be ruining his life, I was in therapy for YEARS because of him. He is a predator and when he was confronted with what he had done to me, he put the blame on me and said I was a "willing participant".  NO!. I was 8 years old. He was 15 years old. It was not until my oldest daughter turned 8 years old that I looked at this innocent child and wondered how my mother could not have protected me when she found out what he had done! Apparently, he has never been reported for similar crimes against children, but finding out he was a youth pastor really triggered me and I called authorities to report his actions when I was young and to find out what my options were to try and ensure he cannot victimize any children. The options were limited, which is why I like to try and keep track of him (though he often goes deep underground and I don't know where he is for years at a time.)

Anyways, I decided (for the first time) to do a Google search for my half-brother. Lo and behold, he's accused of being an online predator! There is a whole thread of information about how he enticed a young 12-yr-old girl to be his "online girlfriend" (he was 54-yrs-old at the time) then stalked her, found out info about her family, and threatened her when she tried to stop talking to him. There are screen shots of messages and a host of information about what steps this girl's family took to get him out of her life. I'm not sure how he didn't do time (or maybe he did. I am working to find out more about the situation and his history). 

Anyways, I am torn about how to move forward with my father. The only thing my brother and half-brother have in common is my father. My brother was 10 when he left. What are the odds that both of this man's sons are child predators and he had nothing to do with it? A big part of me wants to simply cut off all contact with my father, no explanation necessary. Another part of me wants to tell him what I found, tell him about my brother's actions, and ask him why both of his sons are child predators. I'm sick to my stomach. I need to take some time to digest this new information. I'd like to see them both behind bars, where they belong, and also registered as sex offenders. (My older brother is not, I'm still looking into the younger half-brother.) Ugh.

Edited by Oldenuff2know
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I think I know the answer to this question - but what would your counselor suggest?

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Oldenuff2know

Thank you, @S2B. I speak to her on Thursday and I will be asking her about this. I do know one thing. I cannot talk to him (my father) and pretend I don't know anything about this information. This is the second thing that has happened in the past week that has triggered me and brought all of this history of SA to the surface. I also volunteer with foster children and recently found out the child for whom I advocate was abused. It has brought a lot of my own childhood experiences bubbling to the surface. Based on some of the responses to the Reddit thread I was reading, there are a number of under-aged victims and  I want to ensure this half-brother of mine is held accountable. 

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Generally the rule (in order to heal AND attempt to save others from future abuse) is to take action and expose if possible.

to do nothing is not a viable option with the info you are aware of.

cut out any family members that help cover up his behavior.

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MsJayne

Sorry to hear you're experiencing trigger reflux, you're in a very difficult place. If you believe your father may have abused both your older brother and your half-brother I don't think there's much you can do being as only the victim can report in cases of adult survivors.  As you experienced with your brother, perpetrators usually will either outright deny the events or they will blame the victim and try to minimise their actions, so you know that your father's probably not about to admit it if he did in fact abuse his sons. You may feel like confronting your father, but it sounds like you only have assumption to go on, (no matter how much logic and knowledge of situation you apply, it's still an assumption until one of those brothers speaks up), so perhaps for the time being you're safest to continue unpacking it with your counsellor. Certainly it's not safe to approach the issue with your father while you're in a heightened emotional state given that a bad response, (very likely), would make things worse for you. May I ask if your mother is still around and if she has anything to say about the situation?

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d0nnivain

How awful for you.  Glad you are in therapy.  I agree that you need to talk to your counselor about what the best course for you is.  You may also want to talk to a lawyer.  Maybe some of the extended statutes of limitations will enable you to get justice against your molester.  

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Oldenuff2know

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone.

@MsJayne, My mother is no longer here. That is also part of what I am struggling with right now. She protected my brother when the abuse came to light. I have forgiven her and it's all in the past, but dredging it up again has been quite painful this week and I find myself angry with her.

@d0nnivain, I checked the statute of limitations in my birth state about 30 years ago. He could still be held accountable (even today). At the time, my mother was still alive and I guess I worried about upsetting her because she was fighting cancer. That's why I continually tracked him and called the church where he worked as a youth pastor to have him removed from the position. I don't know how I feel about pursuing action now. I'll have to think about it. My therapist wants me to reach out to rainn.org and address what I have kept buried all these years. Compartmentalizing has allowed me to lead a meaningful and successful life. At the age of 63, I'm not sure I want to unwrap all that trauma from the past. Part of me feels like that would be giving him too much space in my brain. He doesn't deserve the minutes I've spent typing this message! 

Ironically, my therapist thinks I should leave it alone and not pursue any more information about the half-brother's online activities. She says it's not my problem, he's not in my life and I understand her thinking. I do tend to have a "save the world" mentality (probably because no one came to my aid when I needed it!) However, I don't think I can ignore the situation knowing he is possibly victimizing young girls on the internet. It's not saving the world. It's being a responsible member of society and acting on information once I verify its accuracy. I'm going to do more investigating and check into state laws where he lives to see what options there are to ensure he is investigated and stopped. I may even hire a PI in his area to do the work for me. I can't sit on this.

As far as addressing it with my father, my therapist brought up a good point. He is 91 years old. He probably does not have long on this earth. Our conversations are always pleasant. When I decided to reach out to him three years ago, one promise I made to myself (and to him) was that I had no interest in talking about the past, why he left, why he never made contact, etc. I just wanted to get to know my father. I can go on talking to him about the weather and politics and let the rest of it go. If he somehow had a hand in the behavior of my brother and half brother, that's his cross to bear. 

Thank you, again!

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