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Breaking up without closure


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Kryptonite1
7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

TBH, this was only a glimpse into a larger situation.  

It's not to say she was 100% right in how she treated you IMO. You are right that she appeared to "invite" your interludes and then follow up with genuine and familiar foreplay but then once you were sailing towards a finish you basically were met with this turn-off - "your concern about finishing" (as perhaps being part of the "uncomfortable" narrative?) So basically you stopped. That was a good move.

Instead though, this young woman launched into "over-thinking" as perhaps a result of her pain, the sexual turn-off, AND your "concern about finishing" each time. Why did she not then when you rightly complained "explain" to you OR ask your thoughts on how to correct the matter provided of course you meant something genuinely good for her (and not just a whimsical return of love technique if you understand my meaning?).

I get that the entire time you both proceeded VERY gently. She just was getting off in the sack only to get 3 demerits: pain, distance and disconnectivity all in short order.

She consented then you consented, but then she asked you to stop because she was in pain. So you did. I think it was kind of selfish to then mention you still wanted to finish up.  It's not on the same level as intentionally disregarding her consent, it's a lesser infraction.

I also get why she may have reacted and shown that she backed off from touch.  She was now too uncomfortable to feel close, too afraid to say cross words by saying any.  So she let you hold her. She later chose to end things, probably because she couldn't face something, whatever that was. No one can say.

You say you didn't break up with her because you didn't see it that way.  She certainly did. 

Maybe she thought she disappointed you.

If as I first surmised the exchange you two had was not about sex, who knows?  But it's likely safe to say it was actually about something bigger than just an issue with sex. But really, it doesn't matter so much what it was about. You decided you preferred to have no contact after that, and that was a choice you made - not because you didn't want her around, but because you didn't want whatever should be repaired, fixed and finished. Blocking her doesn't finish that.

What you're wanting is closure, but until you get honest with yourself, a therapist or someone else - why she matters and why now - you will still feel something's amiss for longer than it would have otherwise taken to have anything she'd done settled.

This has been one the most insightful posts and I thank you from the bottom of my heat. Everything you stated and outlined, friends and even my therapist has said. I chose no contact not to be malicious or mean but for other reasons. The relationship wasn't the strongest and I understand the mistakes I made (for another post). I am actively working through my issues so I won't put myself in a position like this again. She triggered something from my past, trying to figure out what it was. The only thing I don't agree with respectfully that it was crass that I told her I wanted to finish. I wasn't mean, I was careful with how I said it. Again thanks for the reply, it was awesome to read your perspective.

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Kryptonite1
17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When you wrote that you told her "I want to finish", was that paraphrasing?   Could there have been any doubt that you want to finish yourself off?

Basil that's a really good question. There as no doubt that it was me manually doing it, I knew she was in pain and yes I did sympathize with her. I knew she was uncomfortable and I wouldn't push the issue of making her in more physical pain. I thought I was very kind with my wording. 

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Kryptonite1
12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you guys can't have a conversation over this (even a heated one or one with tears and apologies), then you and she simply don't have the chemistry and trust that a couple needs. So you can drop your worry about making a mistake. This relationship wasn't going anyplace anyway. 

You know that's why I kind of made this thread. She always harped on being able to talk through issues, as we have. In person, on the phone. This time was different. The emotional and sexual chemistry was there but it crumbled that night. I do agree about the relationship not going anywhere. I have had made mistakes in this relationship but I am confident this was not one of them.

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Lotsgoingon

Good. And the next step is to give yourself the closure you need. 

 

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basil67
21 minutes ago, Kryptonite1 said:

You know that's why I kind of made this thread. She always harped on being able to talk through issues, as we have. In person, on the phone. 

The two of you were only together for six weeks.  I can't see how many issues would have come up in this short amount of time.  Was it just one or two small things or did it start looking like the relationship might be hard work?   

Do you think she possessed the skill of letting small things go without actually treating it as an issue?  

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Kryptonite1
1 minute ago, basil67 said:

The two of you were only together for six weeks.  I can't see how many issues would have come up in this short amount of time.  Was it just one or two small things or did it start looking like the relationship might be hard work?   

Do you think she possessed the skill of letting small things go without actually treating it as an issue?  

We were friends for about 1.5 months before dating, we were excusive for about 6 weeks. I do believe she has that skill but I am not sure. 

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Alpacalia
16 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

This has been one the most insightful posts and I thank you from the bottom of my heat. Everything you stated and outlined, friends and even my therapist has said. I chose no contact not to be malicious or mean but for other reasons. The relationship wasn't the strongest and I understand the mistakes I made (for another post). I am actively working through my issues so I won't put myself in a position like this again. She triggered something from my past, trying to figure out what it was. The only thing I don't agree with respectfully that it was crass that I told her I wanted to finish. I wasn't mean, I was careful with how I said it. Again thanks for the reply, it was awesome to read your perspective.

I'm glad you found it helpful. The reason I mentioned when you said you "wanted to finish" was maybe not so much selfish, but, insensitive, well because - this person was in pain. You were then clearly concerned and asked if she was physically OK. Don't get me wrong, it must be highly frustrating to be in the moment and not be able to finish...but I think I'd have humorously asked her to tell me all about her day or something until you "came back from the land of doctors" to which she'd crack up and you'd go do some jumping jacks with her soon afterward.

Maybe not that night but there would be a point where you might both feel like picking up where you left off and so you both could eventually go off and proceed pleasantly by your mutual will and pleasure. She might even feel relieved that you felt comfortable enough with both of you's (you and her) injury - to further trust in her and her next reactions as well- regardless of whether the evening's experiment had already concluded or, was yet to come.

If a boyfriend said he was in pain I don't think my concern would be that I finish, sure, I'd probably be sexually frustrated too, but - my instinct isn't going to be fueled by the instinct to have him help me reach a goal like that under any circumstances other than, you know - we both really want to.

I think she was feeling ignored in favor of some feeling you had where you wanted to climax even if she wasn't comfortable with herself as she put it, visibly sad. I think what humor and fun has to do with it picks up where either of us mentions having felt setback or frustrated. I think it all-joking aside-absolutely is a part of romance and, what lasting loving relationships I know have in that it includes that.

That said, you did what you felt was right for you in the moment. Since she opted out of telling you how she felt or gave you any feedback (until much later on anyway) there is no way either one of us can know for sure if she had similar moments where she opted to focus on you and comfort your frustration despite what it meant for some perhaps plaguing concern of hers. No way to know that at all, And, not knowing a lot about the actual interactions generally or having heard from both of you, it's not exactly clear this might have substantially informed what might have happened or said more specifically what she felt you might have done differently.

I think it's great you've been looking at your own participation in all these incidents and that therapy's really helping. But of course it's tough feeling like the other side of the breakup involved in this ''No Contact''. So the best way to approach her about it is not to. You need to take it lightly. Read through these comments and this and other posts and pretend none of it is worth your valuable time. She would have to find you and talk to you, your honesty now would simply be the best policy.

I'm sorry we can't give you the relief you're longing for. Not as temporary relief, which is all closure generally is.

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Acacia98
On 4/1/2024 at 9:13 PM, Kryptonite1 said:

I told her I wanted to talk about what happened. She wouldn't communicate. She said, I cant come back from last night, I took that as she was breaking up with me. She cancelled a trip we were supposed to take a week later. So I wished her well and she thought i broke up with her. I didn't respond to her last text and I have no idea as to what she cant come back from. I will never know. 

Seems reasonable to assume she ended the relationship based on her words and actions. If I were you, I wouldn't stress out about this. If she believes it's you who ended things, that's fine. You're no longer together, so you don't have to be on the same page regarding this issue.

I think what stands out to me is that your understanding of what it takes to keep a relationship going includes good communication. She seems not to share your view that refusing to communicate, making absolute statements, and cancelling something you planned to do together damage a relationship. If your views of what it takes to make a relationship work are so different, the odds of your relationship being a success were never high.

Anyway, that's how you can get closure: by doing a post mortem of the relationship, recognizing the ways in which you were not a great match for each other, and understanding that the relationship would ultimately have ended even if this specific set of events had not transpired.

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