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Breaking up without closure


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Kryptonite1

Hi everyone. Longtime lurker. In some emotional pain but getting better. Broke up with ex of a short period of time. About six weeks. It was intense and both of us made a lot of mistakes. We broke up through text messages. She thought I broke up with her, I thought she broke up with me. I never answered her last text. I blocked her on social media and from my phone. Not to be mean or petty, but as part of the healing process. Something happened the night before, it was personal and I am not ready to get into detail. We broke up the next day without any explanation or closure. It's been 30 days of no contact. I am ok with us breaking up but I don't know why or what happened. She wouldn't tell me the next day. Has anyone successfully healed from a breakup without true closure?

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stillafool
7 minutes ago, Kryptonite1 said:

Has anyone successfully healed from a breakup without true closure?

Yes.  You are the only one who can give yourself closure after a break up.  Anything your ex tells you will be met with skepticism and will just leave you with more unanswered questions.

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Kryptonite1
1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yes.  You are the only one who can give yourself closure after a break up.  Anything your ex tells you will be met with skepticism and will just leave you with more unanswered questions.

I really appreciate the response. I am currently in therapy to work out some issues I have had with past relationships and other things. I don't want to get into an unhealthy relationship again. The problem is we are in the same social circle, we are bound to see each other again. I am not sure how I am going to react. I guess no explanation is closure. Sometimes silence can be a response. 

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stillafool
2 minutes ago, Kryptonite1 said:

The problem is we are in the same social circle, we are bound to see each other again. I am not sure how I am going to react. I guess no explanation is closure. Sometimes silence can be a response. 

Just be polite when you see her out and just keep it moving.  Don't try to have conversation go about your business.

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Kryptonite1
5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Just be polite when you see her out and just keep it moving.  Don't try to have conversation go about your business.

My first reaction would be flight. Leave wherever I am because I don't want to see her. I am not confrontational but there is a side of me that thinks I would stay and try and live my life.

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Wiseman2

Whatever happened the night before is the reason for the breakup. You blocked her so that's shy there's no explanation. Whatever happened the night before, the mutual breakup texts and blocking is your ""closure".

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Kryptonite1
2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whatever happened the night before is the reason for the breakup. You blocked her so that's shy there's no explanation. Whatever happened the night before, the mutual breakup texts and blocking is your ""closure".

I gave it a week after the breakup before I blocked her to see if she would reach out, she didn't. For someone who always said if we break up it has to be done in person, it was done through a text message. She refused to communicate with me the day after. A lot doesn't make sense but I am staying NC and doing my best to better myself.

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ExpatInItaly
50 minutes ago, Kryptonite1 said:

Has anyone successfully healed from a breakup without true closure?

Define "true closure."

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Kryptonite1
1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Define "true closure."

Something happened the night before that I feel triggered her, she wouldn't talk about it. We stared awkwardly at each other for a few hours and I left. The next day I texted her to make sure she was ok. The responses were short. She finally said she couldn't come back from what happened last night. I considered that a break up. No explanation on thoughts or feelings or what went wrong. That is what I mean by closure. If she would of said he I am not feeling this anymore or hey i met someone else, that's closure.

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ExpatInItaly
15 minutes ago, Kryptonite1 said:

She finally said she couldn't come back from what happened last night

She told you what went wrong, though. 

Whatever happened the night before was what led to this break-up. 

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Kryptonite1
Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

She told you what went wrong, though. 

Whatever happened the night before was what led to this break-up. 

I guess I am not providing enough detail as to what actually happened. I have to take a few to type it out, it's personal and lengthy. No, I don't know what went wrong. Something happened and I don't know why.

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ExpatInItaly
1 minute ago, Kryptonite1 said:

I guess I am not providing enough detail as to what actually happened.

Not really, no. 

We can't really advise you if the details you give are too vague. 

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Alpacalia

What was the argument about? Most likely you're not going to get a reason from her and you should treat it as you won't. Whatever it was, she probably sees you in a different light now than then, and will continue to do so. Was there anything bad said on either side?

A lot of times when a female breaks up it isn't a split second thing. Most likely she has been thinking about it for some time.

You've only been together a short while so 1. you didn't know her that well, and 2. 6 weeks isn't a long time and I would think you wouldn't be all that emotionally engaged in any relationship after such a short amount of time. So, really the answer no one can give you except her. And I highly doubt you're going to get it from her. I would guess she reacted to something you did or said, or she wouldn't have evaded answering.

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d0nnivain
3 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

. Has anyone successfully healed from a breakup without true closure?

Closure comes from within, not the other person.  

 

3 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

The problem is we are in the same social circle, we are bound to see each other again. I am not sure how I am going to react. . . . Sometimes silence can be a response. 

You mentioned leaving & that is an option but it's not your only option.  You can give a tight lipped half smile & a curt nod of the head in acknowledgment.  Basically you treat them like furniture -- you know they are there & you don't walk into them but they don't need any more engagement then the end table.  

 

2 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

 No explanation on thoughts or feelings or what went wrong. That is what I mean by closure. If she would of said he I am not feeling this anymore or hey i met someone else, that's closure.

People who break up don't have the words or the class to say the nice words you need to hear.  If the EX had that communication skill level, you would still be together. 

You get your own closure.  Here the "closure" was her saying that she couldn't come back from whatever happened.  The fact that she didn't articulate what it was that upset her or explain why she was upset is evidence that she doesn't know how to express herself.  That is your closure -- she's incapable of the level of communication it takes to sustain a relationship & you are better off without her.  

Stay NC.  Keep up your therapy.  You will be fine.  

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Lotsgoingon

OK, there are three or so issues here.

One, you guys were only dating six weeks. And you had a major argument of some sort.  Sounds like you got hurt during that argument or maybe from the insult/disconnect that lead to the argument. 

She thought I broke up with her, I thought she broke up with me.

If you guys can't communicate about whether the other who has ended the relationship, I don't see much hope for you two as a couple. 

You blocked her, which is the strongest possible statement you can make that you don't want to communicate anymore. And yet now you're saying you didn't get closure. If you want "closure" (whatever that is--the term is largely a myth) you don't block someone. You want to gain weight, you don't go on a crash diet. 

You do know some of what happened. But in a conflict like this you have to step up and add up the facts and add up the clues of her behavior, her words, her previous thoughts on relationships and so on and add up your thoughts and thinking about relationships and imagine some reasons. You're not going to get "one two three" reasons because people often break up because they can't come to an agreement on what "one two three" things happened. 

If I were her friend and you blocked her, I would tell her to block you and be done with things. 

 

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Kryptonite1

Everyone, thank you for the replies. I appreciate it. I know I haven't provided much context. We didn't have an argument. Something happened that its tough for me to write about. Something that I believe was not my fault but triggered her in the bedroom. I will work up the nerve to tell everyone what happened. We were really good with talking through problems prior. It's up in the air on who broke up with who, she thinks I broke up with her and vice versa. 6 weeks is a short time, it was intense. I learned a lot about myself after this breakup. Things I did wrong and things I need to change. 

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Kryptonite1

For perspective we saw each other 2 days in a row. Day one we had sex 3-4 times in a row initiated by her. Things were good, nothing to indicate that there was a problem. The next day we went out to dinner, something seemed off but I couldn't put my finger on it. We wound up in bed again. She asked, what we aren't going to have sex? And I said I was ok just laying down and cuddling. We wound up having sex and she asked me to stop because she was in pain, understandably, I did. 

I made a comment that I wanted to finish and I understood she was in pain. There was no argument. She layed in be d awkwardly for a few hours looking at each other. She cried a little, I tried to hug her an console her. She pulled back. I tried to kiss her forehead, denied. I wound up leaving, told her I loved her. The next morning I texted her good morning and she was distant. I told her I wanted to talk about what happened. She wouldn't communicate. She said, I cant come back from last night, I took that as she was breaking up with me. She cancelled a trip we were supposed to take a week later. So I wished her well and she thought i broke up with her. I didn't respond to her last text and I have no idea as to what she cant come back from. I will never know. 

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stillafool
4 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

My first reaction would be flight. Leave wherever I am because I don't want to see her. I am not confrontational but there is a side of me that thinks I would stay and try and live my life.

Definitely stay at the function and enjoy yourself, just stay away from her while you're there.

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Kryptonite1
1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Definitely stay at the function and enjoy yourself, just stay away from her while you're there.

There is no specific function as of yet but it's bound to happen. I appreciate your advice. I really do.

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ShyViolet

People get too hung up on this idea of "closure" with breakups.  "Closure" is a myth.  The only closure you're going to get is the closure you give yourself when you make a conscious decision to put this relationship behind you and move on.

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happyhorizons
1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

People get too hung up on this idea of "closure" with breakups.  "Closure" is a myth.  The only closure you're going to get is the closure you give yourself when you make a conscious decision to put this relationship behind you and move on.

To expand on this, what does CLOSURE really do for you/give you?  Do you ever really find absolute closure or does that come from within?

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mark clemson
7 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

She wouldn't tell me the next day. Has anyone successfully healed from a breakup without true closure?

Echoing some above, I'd say that ultimately closure comes from within. The "breakup talks" and explanations may help, but I think it's often less that we expect them to.

Genuine closure will take time as your brain processes the emotions and other life changes surrounding the breakup. It's frequently more time than we'd like, but such is life.

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SurfCity
3 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

I made a comment that I wanted to finish and I understood she was in pain. There was no argument.

Did you finish even though it was hurting her? 

3 hours ago, Kryptonite1 said:

She said, I cant come back from last night, I took that as she was breaking up with me.

Did you respond? Did you apologize? Did you go silent and block her? 

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Kryptonite1
14 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Did you finish even though it was hurting her? 

Did you respond? Did you apologize? Did you go silent and block her? 

No I didn't finish. Apologize for what? I feel like I didn't do anything wrong. After she sent that and I sent my correspondence the last thing I said to her was just to be clear, you broke up with me and I am firm on that. She replied ok. Defriended me on Facebook. I blocked her on my phone and on FB. Not to be petty but I am ok with the relationship ending, not how it ended if that makes sense.

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Kryptonite1
2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

People get too hung up on this idea of "closure" with breakups.  "Closure" is a myth.  The only closure you're going to get is the closure you give yourself when you make a conscious decision to put this relationship behind you and move on.

As time goes by, I am realizing this. I appreciate your insightful words. I am currently reading a few good books to help me understand why I feel the way I do. I am doing my best to move on but I don't have the best coping skills.

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