Online dating is such a struggle: is it me?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

Sorry for the pessimism. I am struggling mightily lately. 

I was seeing a guy, well a couple of guys, both that I met online, over the last few months. (at different times, on and off) Well, the one I would consider #2....he has been out of the state for several months, and I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so...I've sort of given up on him.

However, the #1 guy, who I really expected more from, as we talk frequently....well he has ghosted me. I texted him last Monday, and I haven't heard anything since. No response. No reach out, nothing. And, it's not normal for him to go several days without talking.

As you can imagine, I am feeling crushed. But, in the mean time, I decided the only thing, the best thing to do is get right back out there. I've been active on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and POF. I'm having essentially no luck. It is rare that I actually match anyone. And from there, it is rare that a match actually goes somewhere. It's almost always either a scammer or someone looking for a good time.

I finally thought my luck was changing, as I met someone, and he asked me out for a proper date. He seemed like a legit person. I was actually feeling some optimism, and was looking forward to our date. Then, suddenly....he just stopped replying. And when I looked, his dating profile is gone.

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

[Sony12]

It sounds like you are using these dating sites specifically looking for something that could turn serious. Not that there is anything wrong with that but many who look for more from online dating than just finding people to talk to and having some fun on some dates often do get frustrated with it as online dating really is more for casual acquaintances these days than anything else. Sometimes it can turn into more than that but most who are mainly focused on finding a potentially serious relationship often do walk away frustrated.

You were dating multiple people at once so obviously you aren't having too much trouble. I have a feeling your expectations are just higher than what online dating generally offers these days.

Just use dating apps to find potential dates. If you are mainly focused on looking for something serious it's better to use real life avenues for that.

Edited April 1 by Sony12

[Gaeta]

We need more details on those 2 examples to advice you properly. It could be bad luck or you could be giving your attention to the wrong prospect.

You need to give yourself personal rules and get rid of the time waster fast. You cannot try online dating with the attitude "please pick me", you have to enter online dating with the strong beleif you deserve to be treated like a lady and you won't settle for less.

It took me 3 years online and 200 coffee dates to meet mt ex. And it took me 1 year and 75 coffee dates to meet my boyfriend. He is an amazing human being and he was worth all my struggles until l met him. You have to accept it may take a lot of time to meet the right person.

You also over expose yourself on too many apps. You can keep 2 at most. Forget Tinder and POF. They're major hook up apps. I met my boyfriend on FB dating.

Edited April 1 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Dating has always been a struggle, even before the internet. Dating sucks. Grow a thick skin and be patient. 

[Alpacalia]

I would treat OLD like a supplement to whatever other activities you do.

It's called online cause you're truly meeting people who are outside of your network. So people will eventually start to come into your life as time goes on. Yes old can be very frustrating but just know that after every frustration is that you could have a good match even when it's not what you had planned for.

That said, I would still treat it as a trial and error thing. If you meet someone that happens to really spark your interest and you feel really confident that they're worth a shot then jump on that opportunity for a connection to go somewhere and see it through.

But as far as self-esteem is concerned. DON't make old or this place there only place where your getting an ego boost. 70 percent of time, things never go as planned, it's only that 30 percent of the time it does, that's the time things really come into place. That's it.

The right relationship can come from literally anywhere, OLD will just take longer in most cases.

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

I did OLD for 90 days 17 years ago.  It sucked.  It was one of the most demoralizing experiences of my life.  I never had trouble meeting men IRL but "everybody" said I had to try OLD so I did.  All I encountered were social misfits who had subpar interpersonal skills.  I would never go back.  

When I got off OLD I promised myself I would attend at least one social event per week.  I met my now husband fairly quickly once I started putting myself out there.  

[Wiseman2]

OLD is just a tool to see what other people are out there looking to date. 

Have you considered getting a good profile and pics on paid quality relationship focused apps? As you know Tinder is generally for short term gratification in the 20 something age group. It's like going to McDonald's and asking for filet mignon. 

Paid apps may offer more serious daters and at least they need a credit card. Some paid apps require photo id and do a lot more screening and verifying than apps anyone can jump on the moment they're horny and breakup with someone.

Please make sure you set your screening and matching criteria appropriately. Avoid long distance. After a few messages suggest meeting. Anyone who won't meet in a timely manner is a red flag or a timewaster. 

[Sony12]

In all honesty all apps are pretty much the same in this day in age as a lot of the same people populate them.

Edited April 1 by Sony12

[MsJayne]

No, it's not you. OLD is generally an unpleasant experience, mainly because it provides an excellent platform for socially-challenged people to masquerade as decent human beings. I'd advise staying off sites which are known for hook-ups, (Tinder, POF, Oasis, etc), as just being on there suggests you're looking for shallow interactions. On better quality sites make it clear you're looking for genuine people only and apply as many filters as you can to keep the dregs out. 

[Y0shi14]

10 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Sorry for the pessimism. I am struggling mightily lately. 

I was seeing a guy, well a couple of guys, both that I met online, over the last few months. (at different times, on and off) Well, the one I would consider #2....he has been out of the state for several months, and I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so...I've sort of given up on him.

However, the #1 guy, who I really expected more from, as we talk frequently....well he has ghosted me. I texted him last Monday, and I haven't heard anything since. No response. No reach out, nothing. And, it's not normal for him to go several days without talking.

As you can imagine, I am feeling crushed. But, in the mean time, I decided the only thing, the best thing to do is get right back out there. I've been active on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and POF. I'm having essentially no luck. It is rare that I actually match anyone. And from there, it is rare that a match actually goes somewhere. It's almost always either a scammer or someone looking for a good time.

I finally thought my luck was changing, as I met someone, and he asked me out for a proper date. He seemed like a legit person. I was actually feeling some optimism, and was looking forward to our date. Then, suddenly....he just stopped replying. And when I looked, his dating profile is gone.

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

Similar thing has been happening with me except in my case, they friend zoned me or told me they just wanted a one night stand which I wasn’t going to entertain. 
 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you and you know what you are looking for. If you are matching with people like I am, I find they don’t want commitment, are confused with what they really are looking for, or they really want a casual fling but say they want long-term to reel the woman in. 
Take a mini break if needed and then get back into it  

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Sorry for the pessimism. I am struggling mightily lately. 

I was seeing a guy, well a couple of guys, both that I met online, over the last few months. (at different times, on and off) Well, the one I would consider #2....he has been out of the state for several months, and I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so...I've sort of given up on him.

However, the #1 guy, who I really expected more from, as we talk frequently....well he has ghosted me. I texted him last Monday, and I haven't heard anything since. No response. No reach out, nothing. And, it's not normal for him to go several days without talking.

As you can imagine, I am feeling crushed. But, in the mean time, I decided the only thing, the best thing to do is get right back out there. I've been active on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and POF. I'm having essentially no luck. It is rare that I actually match anyone. And from there, it is rare that a match actually goes somewhere. It's almost always either a scammer or someone looking for a good time.

I finally thought my luck was changing, as I met someone, and he asked me out for a proper date. He seemed like a legit person. I was actually feeling some optimism, and was looking forward to our date. Then, suddenly....he just stopped replying. And when I looked, his dating profile is gone.

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

There are many different dating sites to use like match, Eharmony, plenty of fish thst are profile driven.  Thrn there are the app dating sites of hinge, tinder, bumble, and others.

 

some are looking for true relationships. Many are just looking for casual dates/ nothing serious.

 

you have to expect you are not the only one they are talking to or dating. When you start to talk to someone try might be past date 3 with someone else so thry might ghost you when something else gets more serious.

 

as you rotate sites you will likely see many similar profiles

[FredEire]

23 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Sorry for the pessimism. I am struggling mightily lately. 

I was seeing a guy, well a couple of guys, both that I met online, over the last few months. (at different times, on and off) Well, the one I would consider #2....he has been out of the state for several months, and I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so...I've sort of given up on him.

However, the #1 guy, who I really expected more from, as we talk frequently....well he has ghosted me. I texted him last Monday, and I haven't heard anything since. No response. No reach out, nothing. And, it's not normal for him to go several days without talking.

As you can imagine, I am feeling crushed. But, in the mean time, I decided the only thing, the best thing to do is get right back out there. I've been active on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and POF. I'm having essentially no luck. It is rare that I actually match anyone. And from there, it is rare that a match actually goes somewhere. It's almost always either a scammer or someone looking for a good time.

I finally thought my luck was changing, as I met someone, and he asked me out for a proper date. He seemed like a legit person. I was actually feeling some optimism, and was looking forward to our date. Then, suddenly....he just stopped replying. And when I looked, his dating profile is gone.

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

It's not just you, it's pretty standard for online dating. A lot of people want hookups, a lot of others are just flaky with so many options available.

It's a numbers game, so my advice is just keep going and try to pay the bad experiences no mins as it's incredibly common to come across this sort of thing.

If it's bothering you too much maybe just get off the apps and stick to traditional dating.

[ZA Dater]

On 4/1/2024 at 9:08 PM, Sony12 said:

In all honesty all apps are pretty much the same in this day in age as a lot of the same people populate them.

This is very very true and some have been on them for years.

OP the best advice I can give you is create the best profile you can but also have pretty low expectations, especially if you are looking for something serious. Rather use OLD to supplement other activities where you can potentially meet people.

[CollinW]

Have you actually got off the apps, stepped outside your front door and tried to meet a man in a way that takes a little effort? 

[Goodguy05]

On 4/1/2024 at 9:04 PM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Sorry for the pessimism. I am struggling mightily lately. 

I was seeing a guy, well a couple of guys, both that I met online, over the last few months. (at different times, on and off) Well, the one I would consider #2....he has been out of the state for several months, and I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks, so...I've sort of given up on him.

However, the #1 guy, who I really expected more from, as we talk frequently....well he has ghosted me. I texted him last Monday, and I haven't heard anything since. No response. No reach out, nothing. And, it's not normal for him to go several days without talking.

As you can imagine, I am feeling crushed. But, in the mean time, I decided the only thing, the best thing to do is get right back out there. I've been active on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and POF. I'm having essentially no luck. It is rare that I actually match anyone. And from there, it is rare that a match actually goes somewhere. It's almost always either a scammer or someone looking for a good time.

I finally thought my luck was changing, as I met someone, and he asked me out for a proper date. He seemed like a legit person. I was actually feeling some optimism, and was looking forward to our date. Then, suddenly....he just stopped replying. And when I looked, his dating profile is gone.

I find myself wondering....is it just me? Does everyone have such struggles with online dating? I mean, I know many people I talk to bemoan online dating in general. But....this lack of success, this lack of matches....is it normal, or is it a me thing?

No not just you however I found hinge is probably the best. Haven't come across any scammers. I still think online dating is difficult. It's essentially a blind date with a profile picture. Anyone can say anything about themselves online. The only way to find out is in real life. Then it turns into a game of cat and mouse and let the games begin lol. I have become more and more disinterested in online dating as the yrs have passed. 

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

4 hours ago, CollinW said:

Have you actually got off the apps, stepped outside your front door and tried to meet a man in a way that takes a little effort? 

I mean....yes and no. 

I live in a small town. And beyond that, in a very rural corner of our state. I do try to occasionally go to the bigger cities a couple/few times a month. 

But my town, and even the greater area beyond my town....socializing isn't a huge thing. I don't do bars or clubs (not that there are any clubs) 

I go to the gym. I go to the store. Those are my most frequent places, other than work. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I live in a small town. And beyond that, in a very rural corner of our state.

Dating strangers is a numbers game, and it’s unlikely there are big enough numbers of people where you live to find a match. Are you willing to move?

[seamusharper]

It sucks for most people, even those who would be deemed attractive.

I've had success working on building my social circle and diving into hobbies/passions that I've put on hold for a while. It's exhausting and is costing a lot of money but it's putting me in front of lots of new people and forcing me to be extremely social which is half the battle really.

As someone said earlier in the thread, use OLD as a supplement for real-world dating, not as a primary means to date people

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/9/2024 at 8:42 PM, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I mean....yes and no. 

I live in a small town. And beyond that, in a very rural corner of our state. I do try to occasionally go to the bigger cities a couple/few times a month. 

But my town, and even the greater area beyond my town....socializing isn't a huge thing. I don't do bars or clubs (not that there are any clubs) 

I go to the gym. I go to the store. Those are my most frequent places, other than work. 

 

 

The problem is if you are in a small area thrn there is only so many people you can meet.

 

you need to socialize and have conversations. You might be coming off as distant.