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I don't know if I'll be ok this time


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JoeBoee

Hi my names Joe I’m 31 and to be completely honest for the first time in my life I’m lost. I’m defeated, I’m destroyed I feel lifeless my depression is kicking my ass my mind never shuts off I’m Adhd so it’s even worse I barely eat anymore I barely sleep and when I do sleep it’s after 2 or 3 days when I’m just exhausted and I pass out.I’ve had a very rough life I had to grow up quickly my family was very dysfunctional I seen a lot of bad things but mostly my whole life has just been loss.So I’ll make it short if you want to know more just ask me. What’s tearing me apart is 2022 was the start of it she basically pushed me away idk why but I was going through a tough time my grandma was sick and my wife really wasn’t being there for me we had 8 years together about that time we’ve always been inseparable but she just was acting different I ended up leaving to stay at my grandmas soon after that didn’t take long for her to ghost me for about 8 months. Within that 8 months it destroyed me I lost 50 pounds was depressed same as I feel now I got a call in December it was her said she missed me I had wrote a post on Facebook saying well basically I guess we will just do a divorced which she mentioned she didn’t want we met I was instantly happy I didn’t care we both seen each other and had that smirk on our face it was special I thought always I love hard though. Starter talked everyday again she would come over my 2 days off and stay or just one of them but she stayed at her moms 5 months went by and it went from good to her pushing me away again. Also at this time my Grandma had stage 3 pancreatic cancer. She ended up pushing me away if I texted her I was annoying her or bugging her she missed a few days to spend with me on days off me seeing her location no excuse for at all I never got one when I found s*** out she always denied or deflected. So basically she leaves me again while my grandma is dying us being married and have 9 years together. Honestly she looked half pregnant when we did get back together. She didn’t really say anything to me she sent me a text telling me she wants divorce she doesn’t love me anymore and every picture she had sent to me including our wedding pictures. My grandma died a few months after I had to watch her die basically and take care of her the whole time I’m trying to talk to her I begged her I just never stopped trying. I ended up bouncing around I got thrown out over money when my grandma died it was a bad 4 months I was homeless for no reason other then my uncle being greedy. Ended up in Canada I still haven’t stopped until about a month ago trying to talk to her. Basically I found her on porn. Like forsure it’s her she just tries to make herself look different. This is when we got back together it was shortly after I found her. So i had asked her and every time she so I was delusional no it’s not her that I’m weird because at this point i can’t stop seeing finding s*** looking up mods and more. I’ve found out that she basically was cheating had kids behind our marriage idk how but also she was doing porn. She has only fans she is a content creator like she’s every where fake names accounts she looks different now but I’m totally blocked shut out and no closure like she didn’t even try. It’s so much that I’ve found it’s disgusting she chose that over our marriage wasting 9 years And she doesn’t give a f*** she laughs at me in a few messages i have sent to her fake accounts always denying saying I’m crazy I’m delusional I need help. I just don’t know how to feel with everything I love her I’ve never loved anyone This much but what I’ve seen it really hurts she was basically cheating for years f***ing on porn lying to my face but she won’t face me and talk at all. It’s been about 8 months and I feel the same seeing more and more and more. I don’t know what to do how to not feel so destroyed. I’ve given up for the first time in my life nobody has ever broken me and she shattered me I don’t understand. She has everything now living good she’s huge LITERALLY. But also she f***s with me too I’ll see her meme she makes or quotes on my feed snap chat accounts for meetups just all kinds of a s***. It’s like she’s mocking me but then I’ll see post saying one day I’ll find someone who loves me for me or some people basically never love you and you bite the bullet posts on quotes. I feel like she never loved me she used me i Just don’t understand. I can’t bounce back mentally. I’m really hurt 

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Wiseman2

Are you legally divorced? How is it you became homeless? Do you work full time? If you are having difficulty please go to social services for help with housing, food stamps, employment assistance and training as well as a caseworker who could help you manage. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

It's unclear why your wife is on porn sites. Please try to get your life and basic survival in order. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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d0nnivain

That's a LOT.

I'm sorry about your grandmother 

It's time to face facts:  Your marriage is over.  You can't get back with a porn star who had other kids.   You deserve better than somebody who doesn't support you in your time of grief. 

Get into therapy.  Address all the crap in your life & move forward.  You have to take care of yourself.  You can do it.  Don't let her win.  

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