My wife hates my mother, and my wife resents me for it.

[3abdmehtagmosa3da]

Hello all! I'm 22 years old and have been married to the love of my life for around 6 months now. We are both 22, and our marriage was our first real relationship we both experienced. We were both very traditional and saved ourselves for marriage in every sense of the word, our marriage was the first taste of real love and attraction we both experienced in our lives.

I say all of this because I want to give the most amount of context possible in hopes of finding out what I can do to save my failing marriage. To make this exercise of asking strangers on the internet advice about a relationship between two souls, I feel like I have the duty of laying out each one of our backgrounds and belief systems to make this plead for advice as effective as possible.

My wife and I are both Muslim and Egyptian. We share so many similarities and commonalities, things that brought us together in love such as our shared culture, our shared language, and our shared faith in our belief system. I knew she was the one for me the first time I met her, everything from her demeanor to her beliefs to the way she carried herself. TLDR: I love this woman.

Despite my wife and I having similar culture and beliefs, we had very different childhood experiences. This, is where I feel our conflict begins.

I have been blessed in my life in many ways, mainly I have 2 loving parents, both of which are not perfect, but have supported my dreams and ambitions my whole life. They have been married for 24 years now. Growing up, my parents argued and fought, but I never experienced any traumatic events or big fights that mark my memory. I cannot say they have a perfect marriage, but they are together until today and seem happy, even if they squabble sometimes. I lived in Egypt for most of my life, and only moved to the US when I was 17 for college. So I've been in the US for around 5 years so far. I have always had a really good relationship with my parents, and I often seek their advice, even if I don't necessarily take it (90% of the time I don't). My mother has been my source of inspiration and I've always been very close with her, she has always motivated me and pushed me to be the very best. My parents still live in Egypt, and I currently live in the US with my wife.

My wife, God bless her, she had a much more difficult childhood than I did. Her parents were divorced a couple years ago (not sure of how long ago it was), and her childhood, as she described to me, was incredibly traumatic. Both her parents are still alive, but she has no contact with her father, or at least very little. She resents him very much, for reasons I know of and others I don't. Her relationship with her mother is pretty good, she is extremely kind and I personally think of her as my second mother. Because of the trauma that my wife experienced, she has developed a very sensitive approach to when she feels she is in danger, or in a dangerous situation. She is hyper sensitive, not in any condescending or demeaning way, but that's what she and I have agreed upon admitting in order to make our relationship work and our dynamics healthy. She also has anxiety, ADHD, and she says she has traces of autism.

The conflict started in the very beginning of when we were getting to know each other. In the first two weeks of us chatting, she explained to me that her relationship with her father is non existent. At that time, I was still in the early stages of the relationship, and I just wanted to get a sound piece of advice from my parents on a person that could very well be my future partner for life. I shared with my father how she doesn't have a good relationship with her father, since culturally the marriage proposal is done from family to family, so my father was bound to ask whether her father was in the picture. My father than discussed with me openly telling me his thoughts, which summed up to be, "don't judge a book by it's cover, but beware of x, y, and z). Later, wife asks me if I told my family anything she discussed with me about her family dynamics. This was one of the first times where I experienced her tone shifting to angry. I was taken aback, and I instinctively replied no. A split second later, I realized I had made a horrible mistake, and I told her right then and there, "Im sorry, I didn't say the truth. I did in fact tell my father that your father was not in the picture, and Im sorry that I said I didn't. I did not share any details, just the barebone facts that need to be conveyed to my family in order to pursue your marriage." That was the first time my wife felt distrust in me, and she has not forgotten it since. I am not exaggerating when I say that I responded with the truth a literal split second later. I know that I lied, and that does not detract from the impact of my lie. But it is important to know the full story.

The next instance that happened was when I shared with my parents that my wife (at that time we were planning to get engaged) was trying to take her NCLEX exam so she can become a licensed nurse. My wife was having a really hard time studying, and the exam was really really stressing her out. I was always available and offered her all the advice, encouragement, and support I could. It was a very sensitive time for her. She expressed to me that she wants details about the exam to be kept private. As in, she doesn't want anyone to know what day she will take the exam or her pass/fail result. At that time, I was looking for a job, and our relationship was getting serious. However, we couldn't do that if neither of us had any stable and high income. I was blessed with an amazing offer and I promptly took the job while she was studying. My parents were concerned because my savings were close to none, and they wanted to see our marriage flourish, so they asked me if she works or is working towards a job. That's when I replied, she is taking her exam to become certified. I must admit, my parents began to ask many many questions about the exam, and I began to push back saying that I don't want to share any details. In the end, some details ended up being shared, but non essential ones like "is she studying for the exam", and "what resources is she using". My father had worked in medicine and was specialized in standardized medicine testing, so his advice was based in genuine experience and not just being a spectator. All in all, my wife did not appreciate the advice, as is her right, and she was extremely upset that someone tried to guide her on something that is stressing her so much. When she took the exam for the second time, she again asked me not to disclose any details. At the time, we were literally making arrangements for marriage and buying furniture and everything, so my parents were asking what the status of her getting a job was, to which I replied, she is taking the exam. That was wrong of me. I should have never shared that. I made sure to express to my wife how wrong I was, and I apologised to the moon and back for my transgression, and made it up to her in every way imaginable.

(To understand our dynamic at home, we are now married, but I am the sole provider of the household, and my wife does not work yet. I paid for all the wedding expenses, the jewelry, gifts, and furniture. And I didn't take a single dollar from my parents. My mother in law did help a lot, God bless her.)

The next big instance that happened was one week before our engagement, up until that point, I had taken a vow with myself to not hide anything about my past to my partner, even if it was going to be negatively attributed to me in the future. I wanted to be completely honest even if it bit me in the back. I was speaking with my wife on the phone, and I had talked with her about my previous pornography problems. I felt safe explaining to her that I struggled with it in the past, but the moment I met her I quit cold turkey. That is the cold, hard truth. What I said next was the tombstone to my funeral. I explained how one of the things that helped me was my mother's guidance on the subject. The truth was, I had a really comfortable connection with my mother, and I did not feel awkward asking her something like this that would generally be awkward between a parent and son. I was genuinely interested in her help and guidance as an adult. My wife was disgusted from this. She started becoming judgemental and yelling and calling me weird. It triggered something inside her, so she asked if my mother knew that we kissed before. In that moment, I was faced with two choices: tell the truth, or lie and cover up forever. I came clean and told her that my mom had asked if we kissed, and I said yes, but only on the cheek. The moment I said that, she blocked me on all my numbers and social media, wrote me telling me I'm disgusting and to basically f*ck off, and that she doesn't want anything to do with me. The next day, I drove 3 hours to her on no sleep (we lived 3hrs away before we got married) and collapsed on the side of the road while on the phone with her begging her to give me a chance to explain. Ever since that situation, my wife has looked down upon my mother and I, calling our relationship incest, weird, and disgusting.

When my wife finally met my mother during our engagement, it started off well. They talked a lot in the beginning, and seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company. However, everything changed after the kissing on the cheek situation. My parents are no saints. They are not the easiest to deal with either. One of the times that my wife keeps referring to is when my wife was talking to my mother, and she described how someone commented negatively at her at Walmart. My mother's response was "Its ok, don't be delusional I'm sure they didn't mean to attack you". I must admit, that was not a good answer on behalf of my mother, and she clearly hurt my wife's feelings.


Fast forward to our wedding, my parents were on the phone with me and they were talking with me before the big day. They advised me with many things, but the most notable is they commented saying that its best not to have kids right away, as we are both young and not financially eligible for a decision like that. This is by far the most upsetting thing my wife has ever heard, and the reason behind the conflict I am experiencing today. She cannot let go of how upset she feels that my parents said that.

After getting married, my wife and I started to argue more and more. 90% of the time, the argument would start with a trigger, then would always lead to her dissatisfaction with my parents, specifically my mom. After we had a couple of arguments, I realized an action had to be taken otherwise we would never stop arguing. I called up my mother, and sternly told her to stat out of my wife and I's personal lives, and to not ask any questions. In my eyes, I used a very harsh and assertive tone, in my wife's eyes, I went easy on them. I stood up to my mom on what my wife was upset about, and I communicated to my wife that any action she wants I will take to achieve her happiness. My mom was taken by surprise, it had been years since I spoke to her like that. She doubled down and said "You guys can't have kids now". Naturally, later after the argument was dissolved, I texted my mother re-assuring her that I'm still her son, and that I apologize for the tone I took, but I stand firmly behind what my wife and I need for our relationship. "Questions of importance such as when we have kids and such are to be our business and our business alone" is what we ended our conversation on. My mother was deeply upset and treated me awkwardly for the next week. The two points that my wife uses against me today are: I didn't stand up firmly enough to my family, that I am a people pleaser, and that My mother's actions are irreparable trauma for my wife.

Where I stand right now is as follows: my wife is demanding for us to separate, even after I spent hours listening to her concerns and asking her what actions she needs to see to be able to find closure. Every time the topic comes up I approach with a solution based attitude, aiming to solve the problem. Her counter is that the problem is unsolvable and will never be solved no matter what, and that she refuses to give any ideas on how to move forward. She refuses every attempt for me to book counseling for the two of us, saying that I don't believe anything she says about psychology and that I only listen to people on the internet who are licensed psychologists.

I want to make clear that I understand that I am in the wrong. I am not a saint. I am not a perfect person. I just want to resolve these issues with my wife but we just can't seem to be able to face each other with solutions. Every solution I offer is shot down with statements like "you caused me trauma" "I can and will never get over this" "I didn't marry to experience this" "My life was better before I was married to you". While I understand these are statements of anger, I am struggling because I don't know how to move forward from here without her help. I want to get better. together.

The trigger that caused this whirlwind to unfold was a couple of days ago, my wife and I had just finished praying together. I had noticed that she was extremely quiet and was glued to her phone. I knew something was bothering her because I know her well and can tell when she is upset. I have a very involuntary need to make sure someone is ok if I seem them be upset. I feel like in situations like this, asking what is wrong and showing concern is of upmost importance, after all no one likes to be unseen when they are upset. I asked my wife what is wrong, and she was very reluctant to answer. I finally convinced her to open up to me, and she said that she was bothered by a incident that happened a while ago. One day, I invited my wife to come upstairs and see the office building where I work. I know my wife is naturally jealous of my coworkers, and instructs me to only speak the minimum needed in the office to do my job. I don't mind that, and I don't necessarily disagree with this idea. However, I also felt like my wife was going to overthink that every female in my office has a relationship with me. One of my coworkers greeted her with a huge smile, and told her "He is such a great man", my wife looked at me like she wanted to kill me. It was the end of the tour I was giving her, and we were heading towards the elevator. The receptionist for the building was standing there waiting for the elevator as well. I sighed in Arabic saying "Oba", basically meaning "Geez", I was expecting my wife to make a comment on how I was ogling this person with my eyes. My wife heard my sigh and immediately started overthinking, she thought i sighed because I have something to hide or I am afraid of this person. I simply sighed because I was tired and was expecting her to make a comment and start a fight. I later explained to her clearly that there is nothing between the receptionist and I, she literally probably doesn't know my name and we haven't even spoke a complete sentence to each other the whole time I have been employed there. Fast forward to a couple days ago, my wife brought up that she still feels distrust from this incident. At first, I tried to be empathetic and to re-assure her gently that I did nothing wrong and that I understand she's upset, and I'm here for her. A mistake on my part was I was feeling personally attacked because I know myself and I know what I did and didn't do. I stand up for myself when I feel like I've been wronged or judged unfairly. My defensiveness triggered my wife, and she proceeded to yell and say that I was invalidating her emotions. I explained that I am not invalidating her emotions by telling her what really happened from my side of the story. I told her I respect her emotions, that she feels upset, but I also have a right to say if I feel I have been misjudged, and guide the conversation towards a healthy resolution. My wife raised her voice, so naturally I did as well, and she started calling me a bastard. I paused, confused. I asked her if you are mad at me, you can insult me, but why insult my family like this? She replies with yelling, claiming that she has every right to insult them and belittle them. At that point I was very confused because I did not know if the argument was about what happened in the office, or about my family... Things spiraled out of control and she started packing her things. It was late at night, and my mother in law lives 3 hours away from us, naturally I told my wife that she can't leave right now in the middle of the night. I offered to stay in our second bedroom and she can have the master or vice versa, in other words I told her it's unsafe to drive at night right now, if you feel like you must leave you can leave at sunrise and I will give you space until then. She refused to listen, shut off her gps and location data, and pushed past me to the door. Every time we have had an argument, my wife has collapsed or had high blood pressure. Literally every time I was concerned for her health whenever she was boiling with rage, and every time she threatened to leave in the middle of the night, she collapsed after or became extremely weak. As her husband and as the person responsible for her physical safety, I wouldn't be able to help her if she leaves in the middle of the night without me or my mother in law knowing her location or where she is going. My top priority in situations like this is to avoid a catastrophe from unfolding. Her younger brother passed away in a car accident 2 years ago in the middle of the night. We are both scarred by the dangers of driving at night recklessly without proper attention, focus, and safety. The yelling was making her feel very uncomfortable, I understand where she is coming from, but the solution I offered of each of us backing up into our own spaces is a very viable solution that ensures our safety, even if we are mad at each other. When she refused to listen and was pushing past me at the door, I told her "Stay, ill leave instead" and I exited the apartment. I took a walk for a little bit to calm things down, and I went back up. She has stonewalled me since then for the last couple of days, despite every effort from me to rekindle our connection, I've hugged her and re-assured her, offered to do fun things together, played fortnite with her (it's her favorite game and her way of de-stressing) and tried every affectionate action I could think of. The nail in the coffin was yesterday, during my lunch break at work I called my wife and said hi to her. She was still very dismissive but I powered through and called her twice just to have small talk and keep communication open between us. After work, I had to go to the dealership because I've been trying to sell my car. I had texted my mother earlier in the day asking her to pray for me to make it easy as I have been having trouble selling the car, something Ive been talking to my wife consistently about and keeping her updated. On my way to the dealership, I text my wife asking her to pray for me as well. When I get to the dealer, and as I am sitting down to negotiate my car, I get a call from my wife and she is furious with me. She basically says to me to never text her the same thing I texted my mother (I texted to each of them "Please pray for me"). How she knew what I texted to my mother I have no idea. But essentially I came home to a whirlwind of yelling insults and disgusting things at my mom and I, all because I asked my wife to pray for me and texted my mom earlier to do the same. The logic that my wife is trying to use is that during an argument one time, I described how my mother had been very supportive of my career all her life, but I do not feel that type of support from my wife. When I expressed that to my wife, she became incredibly angry that I compared her to my mother. I did not mean to compare her, I was comparing an action or behavior that I feel I need from my spouse. I understand that the way I said it may have upset her, but I meant no harm and no comparison person to person, I just simply wanted to ask for a need that I require in a relationship. I am learning that the next time, I will never bring up another person when talking about an action or behavior I need reciprocated in my life.

I feel very confused and my head is spinning, I am not sure who is right anymore or what should be done. I know that we are both good, loving people, and that we truly do love each other. I just don't know what to do from here...


If anyone has advice for me, please, I am in need of it.

*Last note: This is my perspective, I may or may not be wrong, and I want to clarify that my wife, too, has her side of the story. It is nearly impossible to describe everything in a couple of paragraphs, so I pray that I did my best service in providing the most fair description.

Edited March 29 by 3abdmehtagmosa3da

[S2B]

Since your parents are far away - why not create emotional distance with them and begin to build a more solid connection to your wife?

keep details about your wife - to others - at a minimum.

seems you are over sharing about your wife/the marriage and your wife feels betrayed by you sharing.

sit down and discuss it - and come to an agreement. Get prepared to not answer and be evasive with your parents when they intrude on info you won’t share with them.

remind your parents you are married now and that is private between you and your wife.

your wife seems to want YOU to have tighter boundaries. And if you don’t - she will likely leave due to feeling unsafe within the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered marriage counseling? Part of this is adjustment to married life and living together, another part is boundaries with in-laws and cutting the apron strings.

Marriage counseling could help you two navigate these adjustments in a neutral professional environment. 

[Acacia98]

You don't have the greatest boundaries in the world in your dealings with your parents, and that's a genuine problem. I mean, you don't have to tell your parents everything you and your wife say and do, and you certainly don't have to tell your wife everything your parents say and do. So strengthening your boundaries is something you should work on.

But OP, your wife's behavior is not remotely normal. An intense reaction in one or two situations would be understandable--at least one could speculate she was still sensitive about a really traumatic experience. But she seems to have over-the-top reactions to almost everything, even the most benign things. And she takes actions that are sure to kill or seriously damage your relationship for the slightest of reasons. Blocking you online, stonewalling you, and turning off GPS and location data are rather extreme.

The best advice I can give you: She wants to leave. So let her leave. She wants to go and stay with her mum. Let her do that. She should preferably travel during the daytime. Some distance would give you both breathing space and time to think. Secondly, go for individual counselling. It will help you make sense of what you're going through and give you a safe space to express your worries and concerns. 

[MsJayne]

Your wife sounds a bit neurotic, and that, coupled with trauma she experienced through her own broken family, means that the closeness you have with your mother may constantly remind her of her own losses. I think your wife feels like you "report" to your mother, and this is an invasion of your wife's privacy. She should be able to have a conversation with her husband without worrying that he's going to ring his mother and ask her opinion on important issues. I'm sure your mother has the best of intentions when she gives advice and opinions, and it's great that you have such a close bond with her, but you need to learn to differentiate between what's OK to tell and what should be kept between husband and wife. For example, the topic of starting a family, your mother needs to zip it on that subject, that's a decision for you and your wife. Your mother doesn't get a say in when you start a family, she shouldn't even be told until there's a baby on the way. You've created a situation where your wife feels like she's second fiddle to your mother because you're giving your mother a degree of control over your relationship. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Your wife is extremely insecure. And I am sorry, but the only way I can describe her behavior is with words that are critical, highly.

Your is aggressively insecure--not shyly so. She's insecure and obsessed about what other people think of her. So obsessed that she anticipates what information might cause other people to look down on her and she insists that YOU hide what's going on in her life. I don't mean to insult you or her. I also married a woman like this woman. But you are in trouble if you can't see that your wife has pathological insecurity and aggression. 

And her lashing out has worked. I don't see you having done much wrong at all. Your wife put you in a really difficult position asking you accusingly if you had told your parents about her father. Why is that her business?  Let's get straight here. You had a right to tell your parents about her father and his absence from her life. Why the heck would you think you don't have that right? She's trying to control how you speak about basic matters. That's on the extreme. You're acting like this is normal behavior--it's not. It's borderline paranoid behavior. 

Let's get to some sanity here. Your parents’ advice that you and your wife avoid immediately having kids --that's EXTREMELY WISE advice. That your wife treated those words as some kind of insult is an indication of how emotionally troubled and insecure and self-centered she is. There is no meddling in saying what your parents said. Yet you are mad at your parents because she is mad at them for saying what is common sense—saying what 99 percent of sane parents would say.

You have crossed over to your wife's insanity. You are apologizing for nothing. Your wife's insecurity and weirdness has warped your thinking. The thing you’re doing wrong is treating her nasty attacks and absurd demands as normal and reasonable. Her thinking is not reasonable. You are indulging her paranoia and anger and aggression, and the truth is, she's interfering with YOUR family. 

Your mistake was marrying too young, when you were (and are) simply too immature, too unwise, too inexperienced to identify your wife’s behavior as troubling, nasty and destructive. That’s the downside of marrying so young—you simply don’t have the wisdom and ability to judge whether someone can be a good partner in important ways. You mention your similarity in values. You can't just date and marry on values. Personality and emotional stability and kindness and warmth and peace--those are equally important as values. And it’s actually not your job to make her happy. You’re treating her tantrums way too seriously.

Please let her go. Please! And talk to your parents. Share the entire story with them. They seem quite reasonable and sane to me. And figure out what led to you getting pulled into your wife's insanity. And you can date and marry smartly the next time.

 

[Alpacalia]

I think I would have initially been upset too if you didn't immediately tell me that you shared information about my family with your own family, especially since I specifically asked you not to. It would have made me feel like you couldn't be trusted to keep things confidential and that you didn't respect my boundaries. I also understand that it wasn't intentional and that you immediately corrected your mistake. I do appreciate your honesty and eventual transparency in this situation. Sadly, this event set a precedent for future conflicts, where your wife no longer trusts you entirely.

The incident where your wife specifically asked you not to share details about her NCLEX exam and you did it anyway multiple times, was a breach of trust for her. It may not have been intentional, but that trust was broken.

From there, it seems like she has been holding onto every little thing that your family has said or done, and using it as confirmation that they do not respect her or her decisions. At some point she needed to either move past it and trust you or reassess the relationship.

Your wife is holding onto a lot of deep-seated resentment and pain towards you and your family (which you already are well aware of). I agree with what was mentioned about her being rather neurotic and stress sensitive in how she communicates in the moment. All she is holding right now is her long standing feelings and once she is calmed down not actually thinking about the past stuff.

I almost wonder IF her resentment towards your family isn’t misplaced at this point, but she could be actively using this as a crutch. Your family has a way of doing and saying things, obviously. Your wife could have always been conscious of this, but it likely never bothered her until this incident when it was pointed out. She is having this inner battle between shipping herself to make it right and blaming your family. When she is around them she is reminded of her feelings and it makes her overwhelmed.

It is important for you to show your wife that you genuinely regret your actions and want to make things right. This may mean apologizing again and showing through your actions that you are truly committed to repairing the trust in your relationship.

It may also mean setting boundaries with your family and ensuring that they respect your wife's boundaries and decisions. That may not be something you have control over nor necessarily want to do so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. At the same time, you need to not include your family in every detail of your relationship as that only further fuels the fire to conflicts.

You have to fundamentally come to terms with the fact that your marriage could be over. If you really think that your marriage is worth saving, I would suggest that you book an appointment with a couples counselor within a tight-timeline.

Edited March 30 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

I disagree that your wife is a lunatic. She is reacting to the crazy making condescendion from you and your overbearing family ganging up on her.

You put down her family and upbringing and unfavorably compare it to your supposed Disney movie family which seems dysfunctionally over enmeshed to be honest.

. I'm sure she feels ganged up on by you people. You need to cut the umbilical cord and act like a supportive husband instead of an antagonistic Mama's boy.

Edited March 30 by Wiseman2

[Gebidozo]

OP, sorry that these things are happening to you.

I descend (in part) from a culture known for very dominant mothers. I’ve been described as “mama’s boy” myself. Many years ago, I divorced a woman mainly because she was verbally abusive to my mother.

I really sympathize with your predicament. It’s very tough to be torn between parents and spouse. Controlling mother-in-law is a big problem. Obviously, it’s not your mother’s place to tell you when to have kids and how to generally manage your marriage. So your wife’s  resentment is understandable.

Which doesn’t excuse her absolutely toxic behavior. “My life was better before I met you” is a phrase that nobody should ever say to their spouse, unless they are really determined to separate (and even then, why say such a thing?). Constant yelling, threats, ultimatums, unwillingness to solve problems - I’m sorry, but these are very bad symptoms of deep psychological issues.

You seem to be doing what you can under the circumstances. You are the one in a difficult position, and you are trying to handle it to the best of your ability. You apologized for divulging information about your wife, you made it clear to your mother that you oppose her controlling behavior. I can’t fathom what else your wife wants from you.

I hope she comes to her senses. I’d say marriage counseling is a must at this point.

 

 

[Gaeta]

The good news is your religion allows divorce. 

You got married too young, not enough life experience, you did not know her enough to make a life commitment. Your wife is completely out of control. I don't know if it's her mental health or she is just an out of control narcissist. 

I agree with @Lotsgoingon all the way. Your parents advice was good advice AND  it was just an advice, you decide what you do with your life, but parents will alway be voluntering their advice. I give advice to my adult children all the time, thank goodness they don't go crazy over it, it's just that an advice. They're free to take it or leave it.

Let her go. Your life will be a living hell with her. Consider this one of those youth mistake that you learn from. 

You need to mature and live life a little before marriage. You need to become your own man and search for a strong stable partner, you need to understand it's not good to share everything to your spouse or everything to your parents. You need better and more mature judgement before entering a marriage. 

[Alpacalia]

I don't disagree that some of your wife's past trauma's are trickling into your current relationship and causing some issues. Counseling is essential for her to recognize this and to make some changes. However, I feel like this might not be the only issue here. As a newlywed, you two are now forced to confront and resolve things (big and small) that didn't before require resolution. It's normal for people to use their parents as a metric for what is, or isn't normal. Her parents have left some emotional scars, there's no doubt.

But, I'm seeing a large elephant in the room.

Your wife's hyper sensitivity, anxiety, at 22 years old, is usually associated with psychological trauma. What I am saying is, is that she very well may have CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), stemming from the events surrounding her parents' divorce. That's a big burden for a 22-year-old to carry, especially one who has just moved out of her home country to a new environment. It sounds like your wife isn't able to "buck-up" and talk calmly and rationally when there is potential for something to go wrong with your relationship.

But this doesn't *really* need to be between you and your parents. It needs to be between you and her. You should not be responsible for begging your parents to take a backseat in their relationship with you and this grown woman- you have assumed this role of husband to your new family, and it is inappropriate for your momma to be your protectress at your wife's behest. 

Your wife is resisting any resolution on the matter- the topic is not that her parents are dead to her, sadly- she is trying to make this about keeping your parents at arm's length which will accomplish nothing but isolating your wife from the rest of your life and family. If you allow your wife to alienate you from your parents, this will become her tactic regarding other matters with other people, and you will be alone.

But you still need to find a way to not let your parents add fuel to the fire right now and bringing them into it more seems counterproductive. 

Edited March 30 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

 

23 hours ago, 3abdmehtagmosa3da said:

 One of the times that my wife keeps referring to is when my wife was talking to my mother, and she described how someone commented negatively at her at Walmart. My mother's response was "Its ok, don't be delusional I'm sure they didn't mean to attack you". I must admit, that was not a good answer on behalf of my mother, and she clearly hurt my wife's feelings.

I have family members who have mental illness--from anxiety and depression on one end to delusions and paranoia at the other end. This comment by your wife that someone at a random Walmart insulted her---here's the problem. And I'm basing this on all the other stories you've told about her hyper-sensitivity. Does she report insults like that from you? And your mother? And the nearby neighbor? And the used car salesman? And the auto mechanic? And people on your job? And from men and women? And from the apartment manager?

When people report this kind of insult wherever they go (and the insult is basically the same in each situation) there is a good chance she's suffering from delusions. I hope I'm wrong, and I'm betting you hate me saying this. But your mom was likely right! And btw: when people have paranoid delusions, it's impossible to know how to helpfully speak to them about the delusion. Was your mother supposed to pretend she heard this insult to your wife? (BTW: do you really think your mom wouldn't have stood up for your wife if someone had insulted your wife in her presence? You really think that?) Your mother's response was harsh but as I learned with family members who suffer delusions, there is no reasonable way to respond to what your wife reported. You're damned if you reject the person's report. You're damned if you pretend to accept and believe the person's report.

And let's talk about meddling. Did your parents threaten to disown you for marrying this woman? Do they call your wife and insult directly on the phone. Or in person? Those would be inappropriate acts. Are they threatening to remove you from their will because you are with her? When among other family members (with you around or you and your wife around) do your parents publicly insult you or your wife? These actions would be destructive--giving you advice is not destructive in the least! 

I work with college-age young people and two or three times in my career young people (19 to 21) have approached me about quitting college and starting a business or getting married. These people were actually quite mature. I usually said quitting is fine because you are starting a business and because I think you're mature. . But I also told them, Don't have children right away. Wait until you get some financial stability. You have children around age 20 and your life is no longer really yours.

You know what each of these young people said to me? "Thanks. That's a really good point." 

Question: can you name me one place or one situation in which your wife does NOT feel insulted? Most of life is neutral encounters where we are absorbed in our errand and others are absorbed in their tasks and we barely acknowledge each other.

Also, does your wife have any friends that she regularly talks to? That she is close to and who she trusts? People who suffer delusions have trouble making friends, even superficial friends, beyond typical shyness. 

Edited March 30 by Lotsgoingon

[d0nnivain]

Your wife is being an immature child.  She was no where near emotionally ready for marriage.  

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Your wife is being an immature child.  She was no where near emotionally ready for marriage.  

Love this ^^ and 100% agree.  I am not sure HOW anyone could resent someone for loving their Mother.  I literally adore my Mother and always will.  There has got to be something else that is evoking this resentment.