Asking women out

[Lewis321]

Just looking for advice on how and where is best to ask women out. 

Online dating is hopeless I feel it's full of time wasters. 

I consider myself attractive and have good social skills and aren't shy to talk to women atol. 

I notice I have women checking me out pretty much daily. 

My problem is timing and location, I'm always working which I normally end up in town centres, cafes, shops, banks etc. 

I feel like whenever I notice someone checking me out and I like them it's never a appropriate time or place to talk to them, so I just don't.

I feel like I'm always missing out on possible opportunities.

[Alpacalia]

From my point of view, it's not necessarily difficult to ask a girl out. The challenging part is deciphering if her signals are genuine or if she's simply being nice. Unfortunately, men who take too long to gauge a girl's interest may miss their chance because they appear uninterested or insecure. On the other hand, men who act quickly may scare off the girl by coming across as only interested in sex or having ulterior motives. It's a delicate balance and can be quite tricky to navigate.

[Lewis321]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

From my point of view, it's not necessarily difficult to ask a girl out. The challenging part is deciphering if her signals are genuine or if she's simply being nice. Unfortunately, men who take too long to gauge a girl's interest may miss their chance because they appear uninterested or insecure. On the other hand, men who act quickly may scare off the girl by coming across as only interested in sex or having ulterior motives. It's a delicate balance and can be quite tricky to navigate.

I'm quite good at seeing the signs and signals that someone finds me attractive, I'm just always apprehensive that making a move won't be welcomed or they feel 'trapped' or awkward etc? 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

I'm quite good at seeing the signs and signals that someone finds me attractive, I'm just always apprehensive that making a move won't be welcomed or they feel 'trapped' or awkward etc? 

Ah, then you're a step ahead in terms of noticing the signals! I mean, the worse is they say no and you move on right? Easier said then done really. I wouldn't worry about them feeling trapped or awkward unless you are blatantly ignoring signs that they are not interested. As long as you're respectful and understanding of their boundaries, there's no harm in making a move. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

I'm quite good at seeing the signs and signals that someone finds me attractive, I'm just always apprehensive that making a move won't be welcomed or they feel 'trapped' or awkward etc? 

So if women are showing interest, perhaps with subtle cues and extended and completely unnecessary conversations, that's good. Your issue is to "seal the deal" to turn it into a date (if the woman is amenable).

First show courage - this can be done through simple logical analysis. You are talking to people who are (at the time) strangers and only potential love interests. This has 2 important implications -

A) You don't know what's going on with them or what they're really like, and

B) You have essentially nothing to lose and potentially much to gain by "taking a shot"

Technique is simple, see below - but first a bit more on A and B. Plenty of women flirt even through they already have serious BFs. A strong sprinkling of them have weird personalities or other issues. Women are sometimes genuinely in "not really looking" mode even though they chat you up because you're attractive. SO, with all that - you should expect a certain amount of lack of actual interest.

BUT, to reiterate B, you're in a nothing ventured, nothing gained situation with a lot to gain. The upshot is you should be genuinely psychologically prepared to let "no, sorry's" bounce off you like water off a duck's back. Don't flinch from any "rejections" because at this stage it's really and genuinely about them (per point A) and not you. It's really NOT rejection of you - they don't even know you at all. It's about what's going on with them, psychologically, socially, "still getting their life together right now" etc.

So to technique. At the end of a conversation that seemed to go well and where some signs of interest were show, you can say something like "You know, you seem really nice. Would you like to go have coffee some time."

It's that simple. They'll either bite and say yes or say no. If they say no, give a pleasant farewell, if they say yes - well you'll need their number to text and coordinate the date.

If they ask if it's a date, suggest you say "yes." IF they balk at a coffee date (some may) you say, ok well that's only since we just met, but sure we can do "X" instead (where X is a date idea in your area you have thought about in advance).

Women will go after genuinely attractive men, so if they are coming to you that's a GREAT place to be. Per what I just wrote, take it to the next step by just telling them they seem nice and asking them to coffee.

Edited March 22 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

If you think they seem interested go up and start some small talk to get the conversation going, then you can proceed to asking them out..

[Lotsgoingon]

You're jumping way ahead. 

I learned this from a young buddy of mine who worked in a wine & liquor store in a high-end neighborhood. He loved to banter with women, and when the women responded, he just kept talking. He wasn't asking them out. He just bantered about the weather or a nice day or anything. The same way you would banter with someone who's friendly who you're not interested in in a romantic sense.

The quality of the banter, the energy of the back and forth, liking the way the other person talks and the way they respond to your talk--that's what opens the door. My buddy had a line when he finished the transaction with a woman he had great banter with and who he was attracted to. The line was simple: "I wish we had more time to talk." Well, if the woman responded positively, they would figure out a way to get in contact with each other. 

Note: not a word he uttered was directly sexual or romantic or a come on. NOTHING my buddy would say to a woman directly romantic or a come on. If you quoted his words, there is nothing unprofessional in his language. It’s all friendly. It’s the energy and enthusiasm of the back and forth that takes it into the realm of the possible romantic. Get your mind off of "I like you, I want to ask you out." Switch to saying something to the person, about the weather, about the local sports team--anything--and see how she responds. Without forcing anything or feeling like you're taking some kind of risky leap, you will know when you have energy with someone. And then it becomes easier to ask them out.  BTW: a lot of times my buddy didn't ask people out on a first good encounter. He waited until they returned to the store and the good energy repeated itself. 

You see one of these women checking you out---all you got to do is say "hi" and smile. Literally "hi" and smile. Then throw out some comment about the good weather (or bad weather) or anything. If they're into it, they will introduce themselves as well. After you banter, it will be clear who is interested in talking further. The trick here is practice, because you actually want to share genuine thoughts and feelings you are having.  It's like you share, she gets it. She shares and you get it. At some point you can say "this has been great." She, if she is interested, will say the same or smile and indicate she has the same feeling. Then you ask her out. 

It goes something like this. "Wow, I really enjoyed talking to you. I’m John.” She should then introduce herself. Then it’s “Mary, I’d love to talk more. Can I take you out for coffee or a drink sometime?" Or just be direct: “I’d love to see you again.” And let her step up with the idea.

 

 

[Lewis321]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So if women are showing interest, perhaps with subtle cues and extended and completely unnecessary conversations, that's good. Your issue is to "seal the deal" to turn it into a date (if the woman is amenable).

First show courage - this can be done through simple logical analysis. You are talking to people who are (at the time) strangers and only potential love interests. This has 2 important implications -

A) You don't know what's going on with them or what they're really like, and

B) You have essentially nothing to lose and potentially much to gain by "taking a shot"

Technique is simple, see below - but first a bit more on A and B. Plenty of women flirt even through they already have serious BFs. A strong sprinkling of them have weird personalities or other issues. Women are sometimes genuinely in "not really looking" mode even though they chat you up because you're attractive. SO, with all that - you should expect a certain amount of lack of actual interest.

BUT, to reiterate B, you're in a nothing ventured, nothing gained situation with a lot to gain. The upshot is you should be genuinely psychologically prepared to let "no, sorry's" bounce off you like water off a duck's back. Don't flinch from any "rejections" because at this stage it's really and genuinely about them (per point A) and not you. It's really NOT rejection of you - they don't even know you at all. It's about what's going on with them, psychologically, socially, "still getting their life together right now" etc.

So to technique. At the end of a conversation that seemed to go well and where some signs of interest were show, you can say something like "You know, you seem really nice. Would you like to go have coffee some time."

It's that simple. They'll either bite and say yes or say no. If they say no, give a pleasant farewell, if they say yes - well you'll need their number to text and coordinate the date.

If they ask if it's a date, suggest you say "yes." IF they balk at a coffee date (some may) you say, ok well that's only since we just met, but sure we can do "X" instead (where X is a date idea in your area you have thought about in advance).

Women will go after genuinely attractive men, so if they are coming to you that's a GREAT place to be. Per what I just wrote, take it to the next step by just telling them they seem nice and asking them to coffee.

Really good advice thank you.

[Lewis321]

44 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're jumping way ahead. 

I learned this from a young buddy of mine who worked in a wine & liquor store in a high-end neighborhood. He loved to banter with women, and when the women responded, he just kept talking. He wasn't asking them out. He just bantered about the weather or a nice day or anything. The same way you would banter with someone who's friendly who you're not interested in in a romantic sense.

The quality of the banter, the energy of the back and forth, liking the way the other person talks and the way they respond to your talk--that's what opens the door. My buddy had a line when he finished the transaction with a woman he had great banter with and who he was attracted to. The line was simple: "I wish we had more time to talk." Well, if the woman responded positively, they would figure out a way to get in contact with each other. 

Note: not a word he uttered was directly sexual or romantic or a come on. NOTHING my buddy would say to a woman directly romantic or a come on. If you quoted his words, there is nothing unprofessional in his language. It’s all friendly. It’s the energy and enthusiasm of the back and forth that takes it into the realm of the possible romantic. Get your mind off of "I like you, I want to ask you out." Switch to saying something to the person, about the weather, about the local sports team--anything--and see how she responds. Without forcing anything or feeling like you're taking some kind of risky leap, you will know when you have energy with someone. And then it becomes easier to ask them out.  BTW: a lot of times my buddy didn't ask people out on a first good encounter. He waited until they returned to the store and the good energy repeated itself. 

You see one of these women checking you out---all you got to do is say "hi" and smile. Literally "hi" and smile. Then throw out some comment about the good weather (or bad weather) or anything. If they're into it, they will introduce themselves as well. After you banter, it will be clear who is interested in talking further. The trick here is practice, because you actually want to share genuine thoughts and feelings you are having.  It's like you share, she gets it. She shares and you get it. At some point you can say "this has been great." She, if she is interested, will say the same or smile and indicate she has the same feeling. Then you ask her out. 

It goes something like this. "Wow, I really enjoyed talking to you. I’m John.” She should then introduce herself. Then it’s “Mary, I’d love to talk more. Can I take you out for coffee or a drink sometime?" Or just be direct: “I’d love to see you again.” And let her step up with the idea.

 

 

Really useful advice thank you. 

[happyhorizons]

On 3/21/2024 at 1:17 PM, Lewis321 said:

I'm quite good at seeing the signs and signals that someone finds me attractive, I'm just always apprehensive that making a move won't be welcomed or they feel 'trapped' or awkward etc? 

Often OVERTHINKING leads to indecision which turns into MISSED OPPORTUNITITES.  You are not reinventing the atom here you are just asking someone out to dinner, a movie, or maybe a picnic by the ocean.