Should I breakup or not?

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Lunarb said:

Yeah he didn't call tonight, despite he said he would., again. 

Text wasnt a good choice. I was/am just so mad and sad. Why can he just deal with me when he wants to, and leave me crying alone? 

I had the feeling that he didn't feel how serious this is. I thought he'd call back tonight anyway. He didn't.

If he chooses to ghost me I dont mean that much to him anyway right? 

I do love him, but I don't want to beg him to love me if he doesn't care. I don't want to break up but if he doesn't work up for us I'm just brone to be disappointed and sad again?

I dont know what to do. Maybe there's nothing I can do anymore ? 

 

I hear you. I’m similar to you in that I can’t stand being ignored and I go absolutely ballistic when given “silent treatment”.

Ok, so the first thing you really need to understand very clearly is this: people are very different. Some people need to be left alone when they are processing negative feelings. Others (like you or me), on the contrary, need attention from others when feeling down. It’s just a character type. It has nothing to do with love. I know that you perceive his silence as coldness and lack of love, but it’s not necessarily so.

Now, the absolutely worst thing you could do in this situation is sending him angry texts or scolding him in any other way. You are basically inviting him to fight. Because to you, an open fight would be preferable to silent treatment. But not to him. The more you are trying to pull him into a battle, the further away he escapes. 

Give him some time, then arrange a meeting, and calmly explain to him that you need more attention and care from him. If he loves you, he’ll work on his character and you’ll see some positive results, but don’t expect any miracles. He isn’t going to be on the same wave as you in this aspect, he’s a different type. If he just brushes you off and makes no effort whatsoever to fulfill your needs over the course of a certain time period, then you might consider breaking up.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lunarb said:

How do I not tolerate it? 

Definitely not by crying, being angry, and belligerently confronting him.

That’s not “not tolerating it”, that’s just being weak and showing that to him.

If you want him to change, you need to communicate calmly and from a position of love, strength and self-sufficiency. In other words, don’t send him angry texts, don’t beg for attention, don’t yell or scold him. Tell him calmly that you love him, but are feeling unloved and doubting the value of the relationship. Gently ask him to try and change for you, to become aware of your needs.

[Lunarb]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Long angry text? Not a good idea… I’ve never witnessed a situation where a long angry text solves anything.

You see, you need to firmly decide first whether you are going to try to save this relationship or you’re breaking up with him. In neither case would a long angry text be appropriate. If you’re willing to give him a chance, you should communicate in person, and definitely not in an angry way. If you’re breaking up, what’s the point of an angry text?

The long angry text probably wasn't a good idea. I was so very mad.

 

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Could you give us a broad idea of what you wrote in the text?    Is it possible that he feels that the text itself was so explosive that there's nothing left to say?

 

It's along the line like what kind of boyfriend would not plan a date, not buy a gift, not even buying chocolate on valentine's day, even he knows his girlfriend has bought him chocolate and presents? 

I have always listened to your troubles again and again for nights and nights, what kind of boyfriend would just leave his gf crying and go to sleep? 

There are so many people that treats you extra well because of your looks. I treat you well because Iove you. But don't abuse my kindness. I don't need to beg for love, I don't need someone who doesn't treat me as a girlfriend.

(I know, I know I was strong a d harsh. The words were strong, the message was what I felt)

 

[Lunarb]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard from him since that text? Were you supposed to get together?

Haven't heard from him. He read the message.

It became tok hard for me and I gave in and sent him a message. Saying sorry that my words was harsh. I was very angry. Our plan was I go to his place tonight, instead I want you to come. No matter how it goes, I'd like you to bring home the present I bought you. I told him it was sad and painful that he didn't reply. So please do reply 

He read immediately, texted me back that he will reply me after work. And he works late tonight so he couldn't come. 

I replied, don't you work till 9:30? I don't want a text reply I need to speak face to face. I said I'll go as planned, pick me up at the station.

Uggg. I shouldn't have done that right? 

I dunno. I need closure asap. I can't stand this anymore. 

[Lunarb]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I hear you. I’m similar to you in that I can’t stand being ignored and I go absolutely ballistic when given “silent treatment”.

Ok, so the first thing you really need to understand very clearly is this: people are very different. Some people need to be left alone when they are processing negative feelings. Others (like you or me), on the contrary, need attention from others when feeling down. It’s just a character type. It has nothing to do with love. I know that you perceive his silence as coldness and lack of love, but it’s not necessarily so.

Now, the absolutely worst thing you could do in this situation is sending him angry texts or scolding him in any other way. You are basically inviting him to fight. Because to you, an open fight would be preferable to silent treatment. But not to him. The more you are trying to pull him into a battle, the further away he escapes. 

Give him some time, then arrange a meeting, and calmly explain to him that you need more attention and care from him. If he loves you, he’ll work on his character and you’ll see some positive results, but don’t expect any miracles. He isn’t going to be on the same wave as you in this aspect, he’s a different type. If he just brushes you off and makes no effort whatsoever to fulfill your needs over the course of a certain time period, then you might consider breaking up.

Thank you. That's a big learning. 

Yeah he's definitely the "leave me alone" type. 

I'm easily depressed and suicidal (he doesn't know and I never mentioned) if my emotions do not have an outlet.

I tried but I really can't learn how to wait. It has been 3 days ready and it's more than a torture I can bare. 

How do people stay calm? 

[basil67]

It imagine you're struggling because you feel like you've lost control.  So the way to get your power back is to take control end it with him.  No more waiting and wondering.  No more getting mad at him. No more feeling neglected.   And if he's messing about and not meeting you, then break up by text.   

I understand that you want to meet face to face, but remind yourself that a face to face meeting gives no guarantee that it won't result in both of you blaming each other and ending in tears.  And given the text you sent, there's a good chance he's going to come at you with fury.  (Putting someone on the defensive does have that effect)

If you have any thoughts of trying again, remind yourself of the adage "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".  You now see who he is and it's clearly not working for you.  Time to move on.

And for what it's worth, not all couples do Valentines Day.  So in answer to "What kind of boyfriend?" the answer is 'A great many couples don't celebrate V Day and both parties are OK with it.  I'm mid 50's and while I've had a handful of VDay dinners (one of which was particularly memorable because of the hilarity of it being an absolute disaster) I've never been into exchanging gifts or receiving flowers which cost three times their regular price.  Of course, it's OK for you to want this, but him not being into it is OK too.  This is simply sign of more mismatched expectations 

Edited March 24 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

How do people stay calm? 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Please mention the suicidal thoughts. Please ask for a referral to a qualified licensed therapist for ongoing support. A BF can't be your therapist or a dumping ground for serious mental health issues. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Lunarb said:

There are so many people that treats you extra well because of your looks.

Oh, he's really good looking?

 

11 hours ago, Lunarb said:

No matter how it goes, I'd like you to bring home the present I bought you. I told him it was sad and painful that he didn't reply. So please do reply 

So now you're asking for the present you bought him back?  That is not how you make up with someone.

11 hours ago, Lunarb said:

I'm easily depressed and suicidal (he doesn't know and I never mentioned) if my emotions do not have an outlet.

Do you think he's now becoming aware of your unstable emotions and that is why he's somewhat distancing himself?  Those type of emotions are hard to hide.

11 hours ago, Lunarb said:

I tried but I really can't learn how to wait. It has been 3 days ready and it's more than a torture I can bare.

How are you going to handle it if he doesn't want to see you anymore?  Have you been through therapy and are you on medication?

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Lunarb said:

Thank you. That's a big learning. 

Yeah he's definitely the "leave me alone" type. 

I'm easily depressed and suicidal (he doesn't know and I never mentioned) if my emotions do not have an outlet.

I tried but I really can't learn how to wait. It has been 3 days ready and it's more than a torture I can bare. 

How do people stay calm? 

Oh, I so understand you… I go absolutely crazy when I’m deprived of communication and attention. Only recently have I begun to make some progress towards moderation.

I think what you need is to firmly believe that his desire of silence is akin to your craving for an emotional outlet. He needs that. He longs for space, silence, being left alone just as you long for attention and communication. If you love him, try to accept that what you perceive as maddening lack of empathy might be a deep psychological necessity for him. He probably views your belligerent and pushy communication with equal disdain.

It is possible for two such very different people to stay together, but it takes a lot of work and mutual understanding and tolerance. And you must tell him that you need emotional outlets so badly.

[Acacia98]

On 3/23/2024 at 3:33 AM, Lunarb said:

He never plans for dates despite I asked him to. He did nothing for me on valentine's day. Not even chocolate. Despite I took him to an overnight trip and booked a nice hotel for his birthday, and told him I have bought him Valentine's present. I flew home coz both my parents got sent to the emergency room. He didn't ask a word. I was crying the other day, he promised to call, and just sent me a message that he's tired and going to sleep. 

What should I expect from a boyfriend? 

Surely, you should expect more than this.

Anyway, he doesn't seem to have the basic amount of empathy I'd consider to be normal. Heck, I'd ask a workmate if all was okay at home if their parents went to the emergency room and they had to fly home. I can't wrap my mind around someone not asking their girlfriend.

Breaking up with this guy should be easy. Just stop calling altogether. He won't reach out.

[d0nnivain]

Read over your angry message again.  Now realize he is exactly the kind of bad BF you accuse him of being.  His failure to respond & talk to you further proves that point. 

Then ask yourself why you want such a guy back in your life?  It's only inviting more heartache, unmet expectations & delaying the inevitable.