Amber Rose Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 (edited) I'm so happy I've found a non judgement space. A year last November my husband of 15 years left me for another woman and I was broken. 6 Month after a man comes into my life. He was curious, we hit it off and he told me he liked me but had a wife and 2 kids. I won't go into his side of the story because will be the same as most I guess. Anyway 4 months after knowing him we started getting closer. More passionate than anything else but to be honest every time we went/go there one of us feels guilty so its become more of an affectionate relationship and now a deep friendship. It all got a bit too much for me at Christmas so I called things off. We went from 50 plus texts a day, seeing each other most mornings for dog walks to nothing. I was broken but I was determined not to make contact. He contacted me 9 days later saying he was really struggling and so the cycle began again. I've asked for space so many times I can't count anymore but we always end up back together. Christmas was the only time I cut contact completely, all the other times it's been 24 hours max. He was so upset over Christmas he said that he couldn't live without me. We started out together in public by his choice and is trying to make things as normal as possible but we never spend more than a couple of hours together. I didn't want to make any demands because I don't want to be responsible for splitting a family up but I did tell him I can't be friends so he said he would leave his wife. The catch is he's building a new house and this would mean me being in the background for another year. I also don't want to live with him as I need my own space but I would like a normal relationship. He didn't ask me but I agreed to wait (for want of a better word). We've been spending time together every day and the texts have been as consistant as ever. I thought I was ok, until on Mothers day I didn't get the usual good morning text until later in the morning and we religiously meet every Sunday morning, he knew it would be a hard day for me because I've lost my mum and he didn't see it was a problem when he didn't text meet - which in normal circumstances it wouldn't be an issue but it floored me for some reason. Then he did it again to me a couple of days ago, no text, my mind span and I freaked out. All the what if's just took over. So I had a think about why I'm getting so upset, I've come to the conclusion that as I don't have any stability in our relationship the texts and routines is what makes this situation manageable. I discussed it with him and he said he understood. I explained I am putting all of his needs before mine. His emotions, family and finances are all coming first and all I need its the stability of our routines (sounds so needy saying this). He said he's never thought about things and he wants me to be happy and he's sorry he's dragged me into his messy life. He's never directly asked me to stay with him but he can be manipulative in his language. The wheels would fall off it I left type stuff. It all got too much yesterday so I said I needed some time (again), he agreed but I said I was upset and he said he was tired and ended the conversation. I was so upset I've now blocked him from making contact. I know he loves me and will really struggle. I know when I cut contact at Christmas I wouldn't make contact no matter how much it hurt. No one can make my heart break like my ex husband did. Today it hurts again. I'm really missing him but I have to stay strong and try and get through this. I can't wait a year..... I've seen all the notes from the divorce solicitor he's speaking to and he has a solid plan but I have no guarentee he will leave his wife and all I can do is trust and wait. Any advice on coping with all this or stories about simular situations will be really helpful? I'm hoping this isn't waffle Edited March 16 by Amber Rose spell check Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 Its not easy when there are external forces or baggage preventing the relationship from moving forward, Im not getting a clear sense from you as to whether you actually like the man enough to commit to a relationship, Personally Ive spent about 4 to 5 years in a relationship and while I probably never truly loved her (I think I did the first year or two)- I still miss her now or there is a void without that regular contact I sense a bit of that from your post- you have a type of emotional dependency on other but yet you also crave your own space, its not easy being alone either - or you are still getting used to that taking an objective look at it-it strikes maybe there is too much texting- too much stress over whether you are contacted at certain times, not easy being alone- but it might be better to take a while out and work on feeling less dependency on each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 Sorry this is happening. Sadly you jumped from the frying pan to the fire going from a cheating husband to a cheating lover. Take some time for yourself to recover. Please don't get caught up in his lies. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 (edited) 7 hours ago, Amber Rose said: A year last November my husband of 15 years left me for another woman and I was broken. This is the point that you lost me. I don’t believe that a woman who has been hurt in this way could do the same to another woman with such little remorse. For that reason, I have no other comment. Edited March 17 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber Rose Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Sadly you jumped from the frying pan to the fire going from a cheating husband to a cheating lover. Take some time for yourself to recover. Please don't get caught up in his lies. Thank you wise man. This has really hit home. Logically I know what to do, emotionally I've been through a a lot over the past few years and he found me at most vulnerable point. Time to myself and therapy is the only conclusion I can come to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber Rose Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 7 hours ago, Foxhall said: Its not easy when there are external forces or baggage preventing the relationship from moving forward, Im not getting a clear sense from you as to whether you actually like the man enough to commit to a relationship, Personally Ive spent about 4 to 5 years in a relationship and while I probably never truly loved her (I think I did the first year or two)- I still miss her now or there is a void without that regular contact I sense a bit of that from your post- you have a type of emotional dependency on other but yet you also crave your own space, its not easy being alone either - or you are still getting used to that taking an objective look at it-it strikes maybe there is too much texting- too much stress over whether you are contacted at certain times, not easy being alone- but it might be better to take a while out and work on feeling less dependency on each other. Thank you Foxhall. Non of this is easy. You're right there is no clarity in this situation at the moment. We are 2 very vulnerable people that met a difficult time in both our lives. This in all honesty isn't a strong foundation for a relationship and we both know this. There's a lot more going on behind his scene but it's not my business to share his business. The truth is we have become dependent on each other and I want to break this pattern so I can enjoy the space of being on my own before I'm ready to invite another in. I will never know if it's him until he does what he needs to do for his own well-being. That is if he ever will! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 You need to give your head a good shake. And then do it again. You are likely never going to get the relationship you want from this man, and you are fooling yourself if you really think he's going to leave his wife in a year. You are grasping at straws and have very unrealistic expectations from this affair. In other words, you want emotional support and routines with him, but he is not your partner. You aren't going to get those things from a man who is married to someone else. 13 hours ago, Amber Rose said: my husband of 15 years left me for another woman and I was broken. And now you are doing the same thing to another woman. Aren't you better than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Only agree to see him when he has the divorce decree in hand. I see time and time again women hanging on to a guy's word that he will leave the wife. Promises drag on and on but it doesn't happen. We waste precious years waiting. MM may not be 100% happy but it's extremely difficult to severe that deep relational bond with a woman who is the father of his children. Many years have been invested financially, emotionally and sexually. Unless MM and wife actually hate each other, they are comfortable as good friends even if there is no sex anymore. People take each other for granted after many years and end up living more as roommates. It becomes routine and 😴 boring. But the love is usually still there in a different form called mature love rather than romantic love. I would leave this man alone. Find someone who is free of another woman and has the capacity to give his "all". I know from experience how this all ends. It's not pretty and full of regret. Link to post Share on other sites
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