Sex too soon?

[JS17]

The past couple of girls I have dated I wanted to not rush into sex right away but after a week, they wanted to hop in the sack a lot quicker than me.

What was the reason you wanted to wait?

 

I have had sex on the first date and I felt I jinxed myself by doing that so I tried something different w/ the past two but I guess I couldn't resist their charms.I must say that my last girlfriend wouldn't let me do that the first time we had sex because she said it was too intimate and wanted just to have sex. I didn't get that but I respected her wishes.

Did this make a difference to you?

[Jellostick]

What was the reason you wanted to wait?

I just felt that my bad luck w/ women was the fact that I slept w/ them too quickly so I wanted to wait it out. Like I mentioned, I've slept w/ girls on the first dates numerous times but I must confess that after thinking about it, I felt kinda cheap in a way. Sure I'm a guy and was happy w/ doing it but I blame it on the wrong head thinking at the time.

Did this make a difference to you?

That she didn't want me to go down on her? No, not really because I really liked her and for her to initiate sex before I did, well, I guess I was just grateful I was in the position I was in. I think having intercourse is a bigger deal than oral sex but at the time, I wanted to respect her and that first time actually felt right, though I would have held off for a bit longer if she would have let me. Oral sex eventually made it's way into the mix but not doing it the first time had no factor on that particular moment.

 

Did that make any sense?

 

Cheers.

[JS17]

Thanks for your honest response Jellostick

[Milo]

I am only speaking for me.. other guys need to chime in on here and maybe they will say what your guy friends have said..

 

It never mattered to me if it was very soon. I just perceived that as the woman and I being more sexually compatible. The only things that every drove me away were deep relationship discussions suddenly at dinner after the first week of dating.

 

"Where is this relationship going?"

 

"It's been only a week and my steak is getting cold." (mental note: eat steak, end relationship)

[Milo]

Like I mentioned, I've slept w/ girls on the first dates numerous times but I must confess that after thinking about it, I felt kinda cheap in a way.

 

Cheap? Why? Do your rates go up by the week?

[RecordProducer]

Please nore that Art stated HIS OWN view on this subjct, he didn't speak generally about all men. I think it depends on the people.

 

My husband and I are the kind of people that even if we had sex 5 minutes after we met, we'd still be married now, because that's just the way we are - we don't see the timing of introduction of sex as something that should influence the quality of the relationship.

 

In our case, we talked online/phone/webcam for a couiple weeks before he flew over to meet me and we had sex on the first night. And although I am sure I wouldn't have sex with him right away if we met in a bar and lived in the same city, he is not the person who would think that a woman is cheap or easy if she does sleep on the first night.

 

Ideally, I would wait a few dates, but I wouldn't waste a lot of time with someone just to realize that we're not sexually compatible.

[Walk]

"Where is this relationship going?"

 

"It's been only a week and my steak is getting cold." (mental note: eat steak, end relationship)

 

OMG, hillarious!!

 

From my experience, no respect from men who I slept with within the first few dates. But that may be partly because I didn't have much respect for them either. If I do respect a guy, I'll actually spend a lot more time getting to know him before having sex with him. Normally 3 or 4 months. Depending on the situation.

 

I don't wait because I'm afraid he'll think I'm cheap or slutty, although that does cross my mind too, but simply because I do like the anticipation, the getting to know the person on all levels, the sexual tension with subtle gestures. And I discuss sex a lot with the guy. Their likes/dislikes, their views, and feelings, or desires. It really makes the sex more intense that way. Plus I'm don't have to worry that when we finally do get naked, he's suddenly going to pull out the sex swing and spurs.

 

I like a little forewarning.

[littlekitty]

Please nore that Art stated HIS OWN view on this subjct, he didn't speak generally about all men. I think it depends on the people.

 

My husband and I are the kind of people that even if we had sex 5 minutes after we met, we'd still be married now, because that's just the way we are - we don't see the timing of introduction of sex as something that should influence the quality of the relationship.

 

In our case, we talked online/phone/webcam for a couiple weeks before he flew over to meet me and we had sex on the first night. And although I am sure I wouldn't have sex with him right away if we met in a bar and lived in the same city, he is not the person who would think that a woman is cheap or easy if she does sleep on the first night.

 

Ideally, I would wait a few dates, but I wouldn't waste a lot of time with someone just to realize that we're not sexually compatible.

 

Good answer and very similar to my situation. My partner and I met over the internet. We spoke at length for several weeks before meeting. By the time we met, we both knew what we wanted, and yes we had sex!

 

He respects me just as much as he would have done had I made myself and him wait!

[lilmoma1973]

 

I wouldn't give into my b/f now h till 6mths ... He tried but i had been out of a 2 yr relationship and wasn't taking any chances... I would say it is better to get to know someone if you are wanting a serious relationship before jumping into the sack.. I wasn't going to be done wrong again so i was very cautious in the next relationship!! I waited as well almost 8mths with my first but he was a player and the chase didn't matter to him he just wanted to conquer whoever would let him !! You live and learn and glad i waited with my h it was worth it!!

[lindya]

IME, I do get attached, but never clingy, and that is something that I have to deal with. Knowing that once sex happens I will generally care more for the guy than he will for me. I think that there is a power struggle here.

 

That is so true, JS17. I grew up with the notion that men cool off when they've had sex. You're bombarded with that info from books, magazines, mothers, grannies, friends, films etc etc.

 

I don't know if other women feel this, but I grew up finding it very hard to get emotionally involved in relationships as a result of being constantly given those messages. Logically....why attach to someone who isn't going to stick around? I don't like that cynicism I have, and it's something I tried very hard to address during my twenties, particularly as boyfriends would get upset about my level of emotional detachment from them. Unfortunately, I found that when I did emotionally attach, I got the predicted treatment.

 

I think it's that sort of thing that makes women read awful books like "The Rules" that lay down very specific guidelines for relationships, preach abstention from sex and generally turn the whole courtship ritual into a clinical, structured abomination...within which people think in terms of "how many weeks should I wait until sex" instead of "how do I feel about this person?"

 

It's tricky. I guess we somehow need to manage that balance of trusting people enough to form meaningful relationships, yet ensuring we've got good enough emotional defences in place to manage any potential disintegration of those relationships. I think, now, that rather than building up spiky barriers, the best way to do that is to keep taking risks, practise trusting people and practise managing feelings of disappointment on the occasions that trust is breached.

 

Ultimately, maybe that's how you get (and stay) loved. Maybe not by the person who you wanted to love you...but hopefully by other people who will prove to be far more worthy of your affections.