how can I know if she wants a second chance?

[dandywarhole]

Dear LS,

 

background on this is here, if you want.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70510

 

briefly:

6 years relationship (30 me, she's 26); she wanted a break because she thought she didn't feel the sparkle anymore. Unable to bear the situation, I "officially" broke up with her.

After some weeks we got in contact again as I'm helping her (via email + phone) through her final college essay. I played it cool.

 

Back to present. After 4 months, I'm still in love with her, no doubt. We had some nice conversations on the phone last couple weeks, didn't seem to me she wanted to cut the conversation short, on the opposite she seemed willing to talk. We met last week @ my office with my other partners to discuss topics about her essay (which involves my company). Before the meeting, we had the chance to talk a bit. What I found out & happened:

- she got a daytime job as a teacher. She kept her other job as a waitress, so basically she doesn't have this much time for mundane life and lately she hasn't been going out that much (which tells me there might be no other man in the picture - or wishful thinking?)

- while talking about a movie we both wanted to see, she told me it would have been hard to find somebody who wanted to see it with her. I thought that was a "hook" so I asked her to go together. She had to work on fri & sat nights, so she instantly proposed sunday. I didn't know if I was free, so we agreed on a phone call next days to arrange that.

 

Needless to say, she didn't call and neither did I. That was for last sunday.

She also should send me some reports about our last meeting, but no word on that either.

 

See.. I know this might seem like a stupid post, but after I met her I'm a mess again. I mean, I think I am definitely more emotionally stable and cool, but I'm afraid it's just because I still think there's a chance here.

I'm torn between calling her asking her out "again" for that d*mn movie, or just waiting for a sign, or just pretending nothing ever happened and ask her the report.. it all seems like a "who calls first?" game.

 

I'd appreciate any thought on this, even though I admit this might be the stupidest of all LS posts..

 

d

[CaliGuy]

The easy answer is "She will tell you."

 

Until she says "I want to get back together" don't make assumptions. Focus on yourself. Be a little aloof, spend time with friends, go to the gym, enjoy your life. Work on areas of self-improvement. She's obviously not cutting off contact and has some level of interest.

 

Bottom line: You can't control how she feels but you can control how she might perceive you through personal improvement.

 

You say the spark wasn't there, have you figured out why? You need to get to the bottom of that through self-reflection as you may never get a straight answer from her.

 

If you take my advice you have a chance. Don't chase her. Don't beg or plead. Don't settle for whatever bits of attention she gives you. You want it all right? You have to be willing to listen to the good advice of others here and do it. Don't say, don't think about, just do it.

[dandywarhole]

CaliGuy, thanks for your answer!

 

I totally agree with what you said.

I kinda figured out what was that sent the sparkle away. I think it was because I wasn't a challenge anymore. I was always there for her, reassuring, and slowly we drifted towards a more "routine" relationship. I don't know why it was good for me, but it sure wasn't good enough for her.

I understand that. In these months apart I tried to concentrate on myself. I live by myself now, I'm learning photography and hanging out with friends. But even though I met girls around, I can't seem to find anybody barely comparable to her. And you know what happens, it's like I would like to date other women, but there's this "halo" around me that keeps them at a distance, like they were "sensing" that my head is still somewhere else. That's not an excuse, and I guess only time will do.

 

I'll try to be a little aloof, but I have to fight my guts that tell me she might think that _I_ am the one not wanting anything more from her, given my last month attitude, and she can be very insecure...

 

thanks

d

[riobikini]

From a woman's point of view:

 

First things first...

 

She's been thinking.

 

She's been thinking about YOU.

 

She was waiting for YOU to do the calling.

 

The fact you expect some kind of report from her insures to her that YOU will more likely be the one calling her about SOMETHING, -be it a movie or the reports.

 

But...sounds like she's so covered up with 2 jobs and school that she's lucky to read about a movie, much less go see one...and the mere fact she did agree to go out with you proves you are still (at the very least) on her 'friends' list.

 

And for honest new beginnings, that's not a bad place to start.

 

Seriously...she's still waiting for you to do the calling.

 

And the 'other' stuff going on with her....

 

She's dealing everyday with life under her parents' roof, (which you give me the impression doesn't really improve her confidence), the absence of friends to support her and bounce off problems to, and again, the work and study that is piling in on her miserable life.

 

She simply HAS to be thinking about you.

 

And if you can't bring yourself to call her (equaled to rescuing her0, then someone else may.

 

Also....if the 'sparkle' is gone, familiarity is and taking the relationship for granted is a good guess on what made it disappear. But after six years, there was obviously love involved here...and in every relationship, over time, suffers from lack of 'sparkle'.

 

DEFINITION OF SPARKLE: first, it's more like a bonfire of passion beginning when the relationship is new...then it cools down to a nice fire....you have to throw more wood on it every now and then or it will go out....it can become just glowing embers slowly dying out, if you neglect to maintain it.....

 

You are both equally responsible for keeping the fire going...it sounds like she may be willing....but she wants you to take an active interest in reactivating and building up the fire.

 

Tips:

 

Romance her all over again...like you never did before.

 

This is your chance ...don't blow it.

 

Find interesting ways to entertain her.....things you haven't done before...places you haven't gone.

 

START SURPRISING HER!!!!!

 

She's been so used to how you do things, you need to let her see some dimension in your personality....if you think you don't have it, r-e-a-c-h for it!

 

Show her that you CAN be fun....and even more interesting and charming that you ever have been before.

 

You'll be taking her out of her doldrums...giving her reason to look forward to being with you.

 

Be a gentleman, be wicked, be fun, be funny, be mysterious, be unpredictable (in a safe way)....add dimension.

 

Make her smile, make her laugh.

 

And suddenly....

 

You'll be mirroring her smile, her laugh...her sparkle...

 

And enjoying the warmth of a new fire.

 

-Rio

[dandywarhole]

Riobikini, thanks for what you wrote, you're giving me hope here and possibly that's what I wanted to hear. As I said, my instinct were telling me the same, but I was (I am, actually) afraid it's just wishful thinking.

 

but anyways, I won't be pushing too much or talking "us" again until I have some feedback from her. In any case, I just called her. I proposed to meet tomorrow afternoon a couple hours, I'm practicing portrait photography and I asked her to model for me. Usually there's this cool and intimate atmosphere that builds up, and it's something we've never done before as I begun practicing just 4 months ago (i'm pretty good at it though )

 

She was a little reluctant, I hope just because she's very shy, and we agreed to call each other tomorrow and see...

 

We'll see. I'm not planning anything, I just want to have fun and see what comes...

 

thanks

d

[J dub]

She was a little reluctant, I hope just because she's very shy, and we agreed to call each other tomorrow and see...

This situation is really tricky because what if she IS too shy and backs out? you wont know for sure if its because of the shyness or lack of interest to see you. I guess my only suggestion would be, if she backs out...invite her out for a "raincheck" type of coffee or something. Tell her you'd like to see her but dont do it in a whiny way. If she still doesnt bite, bring the bait back up because you dont have a live one.

 

BTW, when they want to come back, they will under no uncertain circumstances give you some sort of sign. There wont be any "does she/he want me back?" it will be "WOAH THEY REALLY want me back!"

 

Fear, and the unknown shouldnt be enough for them to not call. If they love you and miss you enough, NOTHING WILL STOP THEM!

[dandywarhole]

Thanks for answering, J Dub, I always appreciate your posts..

 

A little update.

We met on sat afternoon, just a couple of hours. I didn't have to ask her again, she texted me at noon "hey, what time do we meet?". We went nearby at some castle ruins, and I took lots of pictures of her, and seemingly she was pleased by it (but who wouldn't anyways). It was really fun.

What I realized, though:

1. I'm still in love with her (which I already knew

2. She's having a good time. She'll be going for a week on the mountains with friends (which bothers me a lot, since we've been talking abt that for years, but instead of DOING it, i kept TALKING about it.. what a loser I've been)

3. I'm back, say, at "square two". Not back at 4 months ago. But... I guess 2 or 3. I don't know if going out was a good idea for me.

Now.

She didn't give me any clear sign. Apparently she enjoyed herself. And besides, what did I expect? That she threw her arms around me in a blink?

 

Here's what I've been asking myself last two days. Is it worth to go on this way? There are two possible point of views.

 

1 - she wants to be seduced again. She's seeing if the sparkle can be back. In a way, she's giving me a chance, but taking it very slow since she also wants to have a life of her own and not do the same mistakes again (we both pretty much isolated ourselves from our friends when we were together).

So I should play it cool, ask her out from time to time, and try to do it. The problem is, what if it doesn't work out - I'd be losing my mind in the way.

 

2 - She's just being kind to me. She feels guilty, and although she told me she knows I'm not mad at her anymore, she feels she owes me something. Or maybe that's just what she wants - friendship. Given the fact that it's not what _I_ want, but I can't ask her a straight question (or I would ruin possibility n. 1)... how would I know???

 

thanks a lot, guys... I really need some perspective here...

[riobikini]

She's comparing.

 

In a way, that's your opportunity for a second chance.

 

Comparing what?

 

Answer: The effect you can have on her (how you now make her feel)...vs. how her life can become 'wide open' (with olthers and doing other exciting, different things) and the effect that can have on her (how the yet unknown can make her feel)....

 

It sounds like a competition, almost....perhaps it is a competition.

 

But you wanted a second chance with her.

 

Here it is.

 

My advice....don't follow her to the mountain. That would be going way too far.

[dandywarhole]

sorry to bump this up, but I need some piece of advice here again..

What happened since I wrote here last, is.. well.. not much.

Two days after "the shooting" she texted me asking me how were the pics (she initiated it). I emailed her the best ones, and she looked at them and replyed 3 days after. She really liked them, she even said they were the best she ever got. In my email I asked her if she wanted to do some "more serious" modeling, not simple snapshots in open air, but studio stuff. She replyed she didn't think she was all that good, but maybe in the future when she would be in the mood we could do that.

 

Then came Christmas & new years.

I decided not to call or text her in both occasions, and see what she would do. I have to say that New Year's eve was our anniversary.

She texted me like @ 1.30 AM on the 26th wishing me I had a nice christmas as she worked till that hour. Of course I replied nicely but not "too involved".

Then she texted me again on jan 1st, many kisses and stuff. I replied of course.

 

Now. It's then been more than three weeks since we last contacted. No sign from her side. Remember that sooner or later we should get in contact, since she hasn't sent me the "famous" report yet. I'm wondering what's going on, if I should make a move, or if this silence is "meaningful".

Truth is that even if in these days I hung out with friends, met people and all, I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I still think of her all the time. Almost 6 months passed since we split, and it's almost like time hasn't passed.

 

I decided that if she wanted to give it another shot, she would make it clear. But I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.. I mean she wrote me on those two occasions... but again damn it I don't care to be her friend. Do you guys think I should call her or something, or that by now she moved on and the risk of getting hurt is too high???

I'm really tired and depressed. The most depressing thing is that the more girls I met, the more I think she is the one I want.. there's no way out..

 

thanks

[CaliGuy]

Three weeks is a long time to go without talking. That's probably not a great sign. You're not on NC so email and ask her how she is doing. It's better to ask and get an answer than wonder all day.

 

Don't be surprised however if she is seeing someone.

[skeptik224]

I don't know that 3 weeks is a long time with NC. People have NC for months at a time and then end up back to working on things. Or, Cali, are you saying that in THIS CASE since they've "reconnected" that 3 weeks is a long time? At the beginning of a break up, 3 weeks is nothing.

[dandywarhole]

I know, CaliGuy.. three weeks is a freakin' long time.

 

It's just... you know. I thought: I gave you some hints, I wanted to see you. Now, your turn.

But again, she could think: well, you apparently even didn't remember (or wanted) to send me a simple "merry christmas" or "happy new year" text. I did that. Now, your turn.

Wishful thinking??

I was thinking that this sudden NC could bring something. But just like every mind game, it didn't (or did it??).

I might email her. Or better give her a simple phone call.. I don't know.. I'm afraid of what could turn out. that sucks.