NC or not NC?... need advice

[dandywarhole]

Dear LS

 

I need a piece of advice..

I'll try to make a long story "short".

I've been dating this girl for almost 6 yrs. She'll be 26 in a month, I'm 30, and we broke up a month ago. I'll give you some context. It was a kind of a LDR, but we are just 40 miles apart. Her college was pretty far away but she came home (which is those 40 miles) every w-end and sometimes she came over at my place to spend some days. she'll graduate in a couple of months. She lived with friends until a year ago, when she was finished attending and came back at her parents' to concentrate on last exams and final essay. At that moment, things slowly began changing. It was a subtle process at the beginning, but in the last months I could see some distance beginning to grow between us. There were two occasions, beginning last january, when she told me there was this guy she met who caused her to think. We had crisis, but we apparently worked that out, she told me she didn't date or even meet that guy and it meant nothing apart from making her think.

Her parents are really oppressive, making her feel inadequate (she lost a year in college) and uncomfortable when she wished to spend a night out. As a consequence, she spent the whole time at home, apart from the w-ends with me (not always sleeping over, since her parents...) and going to work (she works as a waitress to gain the money she needs to live), and slowly chased away her friends. She said that maybe all these things altogether (parents pressure, the pressure of graduating, last exams, living at home) might have been the cause of her confusion.

Then the worst happened. We had this talk a month ago, she cares for me and all but doesn't feel the "passion" anymore. Just like the phisical connection was faded away, and no more butterflies in her stomach. She said she needed some time to clear her mind. Basically I picture myself as her best friend, or elder brother, but not the "man" anymore.

The thing is, her final essay is on my company, so we agreed to keep in touch to help her out on that. In two weeks that was too much for me, we just exchanged emails but everytime I hoped like hell to find some lines about us, her having second thoughts and all. So I called it quits. I wrote her that we couldn't hear from each other anymore, so I couldn't help her further, I gave her other references in case she needed more help. During the previous week I had been really "professional", almost icy in my emails, she replyed she saw that ice around and she felt we cound't hear from each other ever again. She said she knows I'm not mean, thanked me and promised that was the last thank you I would have heard from her (the email was more passionate, though.. things like "ok I was confused and we broke up. my fault, i know. hate me if it makes you feel better").

Obviously I'm devastated. I pictured a life with her after graduation, though we never made that clear, and I still think she's the one.. I admit I've been far too present for her, always reassuring, never gave her any doubt, I almost chased all my friends to be with her. My fault, now I know.

We have been in NC for a week now.

The point is... should I keep the NC thing, or maybe just a simple email would do? I want to win her back, and I don't know what to do. I know that this NC for me is just a game I'm trying to play, I don't want to lose her. But as I was "for her" all the way, I feel the only way she could think is not having me at all. But at the same time I was the one who made the closure, and pretty abruptly, leaving her without my help she needed. So I'm torn between trying to tell her somehow that the door is not completely closed if she wants to contact me if something changes, and keeping on NC...

what would you do??

thanks a lot for reading the whole thing and for any advice...

dandy

[bluechocolate]

I think this break-up has been on the cards for a while now.

 

There were two occasions, beginning last January, when she told me there was this guy she met who caused her to think. We had crisis, but we apparently worked that out, she told me she didn't date or even meet that guy and it meant nothing apart from making her think.

 

I don't know but that almost sounds like she was prepping you for a break-up or trying to get you to do it. If nothing happened between them, she says they didn't even meet(?), then why the need to tell you about him at all?

 

and then

 

Then the worst happened. We had this talk a month ago, she cares for me and all but doesn't feel the "passion" anymore. Just like the physical connection was faded away, and no more butterflies in her stomach. She said she needed some time to clear her mind.

 

What has she been thinking about since January then?

 

...at the same time I was the one who made the closure,

 

How do you reach that conclusion? Wasn't she the one who asked for the time to clear her mind. And was it just some time she was asking for? According to you these are her words:

 

"ok I was confused and we broke up. my fault, i know. hate me if it makes you feel better"

 

Six years is a long term investment so I completely understand your reluctance to let her go.

 

So I'm torn between trying to tell her somehow that the door is not completely closed if she wants to contact me if something changes, and keeping on NC...

 

Tell her the door is not completely closed, then leave it entirely in her hands. I'm not sure what else you can do.

[Taby]

i'm not big on games... life is short, and why waste time when you know what you want. if it's her you want, call her and let her know. if she's unsure and confused, and askes you for time, then give her some... but why do nc on your part if you know what you want.... go after it and get it... you won't know how she feels until she tells you flat out. no games.

 

good luck

[dandywarhole]

thanks for your answers, guys.

bluechocolate> I now see this break up has been on the cards. The country I live in is not english-speaking, so forgive me if I don't make myself clear enough. In fact, when I said she didn't "meet" him, actually I meant they didn't hang out together, as far as I know. Of course she met him, specifically during her train trips to her college.. But it seems to me she "used" that guy just to tell me something. Now maybe I'm so wrong that she's dating him meanwhile, who knows.. One thing she told me one time was "I so much 'want' to be in love with you, you just seem so right for me": she loves me, but no butterflies and she tried to find again what she felt at first. But I guess it's not a matter of "wanting", it's more an instinct or a natural emotion.. not something you can find if you look for it.

 

I know that if I break the NC I will lose even more "power" on her. I think that being there for her all the time, chasing away my friends and all, eventually turned her off. I wasn't the "man" in the relationship, whatever she decided was good for me (even though for a reason..).. Which is strange because I'm pretty self-confident in my everyday life. With her, I was such a wussy.

So the thing is.. I don't want to prove myself needy or even a wussy again, that's why I'm so unsure about breaking NC. I could break it maybe after 2 weeks of NC, just with a simple email "Hi - How are you? Just wanted to make sure everything was OK - take care". What do you think???

thanks guys, I really appreciate.....

[Candy Cane]

Chasing after her isn't going to get your goal accomplished at this point. She already knows that you care. What you have not provided to her is a challenge. You're too easy. You're like that car your parents gave you as a teenager. Most trash it. I know I did...and it was a darn nice car too.

 

Anyway, what I recommend is that you go into "cool mode." You don't chase after her but you don't push her away either. How come? Because the attitude you will have is that you don't care either way. Let her contact you and when she does, just...be cool. Be happy, friendly but don't talk about the relationship and cut the conversation short. You're a busy man now, after all...got things to do. I would not have told her that you want to cut off communications. That's not what you want anyway. Don't act hurt or angry or sad...or anything but cool, calm and happy with the way things are.

 

What's the rationale? Well, I suspect that she will not like the fact that you aren't all in love with her anymore. It's going to bother her and she will try to win your affection back.

 

If you want her back, that's the approach I'd try. Good luck!

[dandywarhole]

thanks Candy Cane,

that's exactly what I thought I should do.

The problem is, I did act angry, although only by email, and in fact I was the one who "officially" broke up. That was because at first I decided to help her on her final essay, but didn't feel like being "cool" about it, so I think I appeared to be really bothered and icy. That's until I called myself off, and stopped contact altogether.

That's why I'm undecided on wether keeping on NC or dropping a line.. What if she feels like I'm so angry at her that I don't even want to hear from her for whatever reason? At the same time, she could hold any attempt to contact me, fearing I would read it as a game she's playing to have back my help on her essay..

I'm soooo confused, I'm not even able to work as I should since I keep thinking of it 24/7.. Man, I think I'm quite a grown up, I shouldn't behave like a baby, but I can't help it!!

[Candy Cane]

Just chill...it will be okay. What you should do is nothing. Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing is nothing. Don't call or write or anything for awhile. If she contacts you, then you can try the approach of "cool mode."

 

You aren't emotionally responsible enough to initiate contact at the present time. You are a mess. Therefore, let her come to you but be prepared on how to act when she does come...because she will. So...practice the conversation in your mind. Be prepared. Be cool. That is all you have to do and all you can probably handle right now anyway.

 

Got it?

[cosis]

Chasing after her isn't going to get your goal accomplished at this point. She already knows that you care. What you have not provided to her is a challenge. You're too easy. You're like that car your parents gave you as a teenager. Most trash it. I know I did...and it was a darn nice car too.

 

Anyway, what I recommend is that you go into "cool mode." You don't chase after her but you don't push her away either. How come? Because the attitude you will have is that you don't care either way. Let her contact you and when she does, just...be cool. Be happy, friendly but don't talk about the relationship and cut the conversation short. You're a busy man now, after all...got things to do. I would not have told her that you want to cut off communications. That's not what you want anyway. Don't act hurt or angry or sad...or anything but cool, calm and happy with the way things are.

 

What's the rationale? Well, I suspect that she will not like the fact that you aren't all in love with her anymore. It's going to bother her and she will try to win your affection back.

 

If you want her back, that's the approach I'd try. Good luck!

 

best advice on this thread

[cosis]

great advice, it's not playing games..... try to tell a girl who broke up with you how you "feel" about her and she runs for the hills.......just how it is.