JackFlash Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 I went out with woman for 5 dates over period of about 2 months, during that time especially towards end we were constantly texting each other, sending songs, pictures etc.. and talking about very deep personal topics. After the 5th date, I apparently got a little too clingy trying to meet up more than once a week, and she totally became different. She started cancelling dates without offering a reschedule, and got very cold on text. When I last asked her out she said, "we shouldn't" and when I asked for an explanation on what happened she has yet to respond. After spending a decent amount of money, time, effort and energy into her, I would think it is at least common courtesy to get an explanation on WHY you are bread crumbing me, or at very least she could have earlier told me she wanted to stop seeing me instead of constantly accepting and then cancelling dates. is this normal? I feel very traumatize and scarred by this situation and much less trusting of people after Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 1 hour ago, JackFlash said: After the 5th date, I apparently got a little too clingy trying to meet up more than once a week, Did she actually tell you this? 1 hour ago, JackFlash said: she could have earlier told me she wanted to stop seeing me instead of constantly accepting and then cancelling dates. I agree. It isn't very kind to just fade out and let the other person wonder what happened. While it's disppointing, I wouldn't give it the power to traumatize you. Take a little time off to bouce back, and keep moving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Did she actually tell you this? I agree. It isn't very kind to just fade out and let the other person wonder what happened. While it's disppointing, I wouldn't give it the power to traumatize you. Take a little time off to bouce back, and keep moving. we had a discussion bc I tried calling and she didn't want to talk (I noticed her pulling away) and she said things were moving a bit too fast for us and she had trouble being open with me... she then agreed we could work on it, then agreed to date and flaked again and kept just texting me without committing to going out again. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 Just now, JackFlash said: we had a discussion bc I tried calling and she didn't want to talk (I noticed her pulling away) and she said things were moving a bit too fast for us and she had trouble being open with me.. I see. It appears she did give you an explanation, even if it wasn't perfectly clear that she didn't want to go out again at all. I'm sorry. I would do your best to dust yourself off and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I see. It appears she did give you an explanation, even if it wasn't perfectly clear that she didn't want to go out again at all. I'm sorry. I would do your best to dust yourself off and move forward. she gave me an explanation, then kept hearting my messages and agreed we could work on it.. then she said she missed me and we made plans to meet up and she agreed to them and then she flaked on it Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 She likely just isn't looking for anything serious right now (at least not from you). If she went out with you five times she obviously did feel some chemistry with you. Were you two intimate very much during that five date period? Many women decide to flake out as well once they have gotten what they were looking for from the relationship. It's not solely just a guy thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 1 minute ago, Sony12 said: She likely just isn't looking for anything serious right now (at least not from you). If she went out with you five times she obviously did feel some chemistry with you. Were you two intimate very much during that five date period? Many women decide to flake out as well once they have gotten what they were looking for from the relationship. It's not solely just a guy thing. she said things were moving too fast for her, but she also during those 5 dates was talking about really heavy topics (soulmates, etc) which is why I've been so thrown. we were intimate on the 5th date, and after I def got a bit excited/needy..but even then she wanted to see me but I guess I tried to meet up with her twice in same week and she got nervous or something. I don know, im confused Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 4 minutes ago, JackFlash said: she said things were moving too fast for her, but she also during those 5 dates was talking about really heavy topics (soulmates, etc) which is why I've been so thrown. Do you happen to know if she's recently out of a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 (edited) 6 minutes ago, JackFlash said: she said things were moving too fast for her, but she also during those 5 dates was talking about really heavy topics (soulmates, etc) which is why I've been so thrown. we were intimate on the 5th date, and after I def got a bit excited/needy..but even then she wanted to see me but I guess I tried to meet up with her twice in same week and she got nervous or something. I don know, im confused Oh so she began flaking right after you two had sex? I think you have your answer then. Even though men are traditionally known to be the ones who poof after sex women do it as well (especially if she met him outside of her normal every day life). Maybe sex was all she was looking for......or maybe she was a little disappointed with it...... Whatever the case you pretty much know you two finally having sex was likely the cause of it. Edited March 10 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 Alas ghosting is the way of the world these days. I think it's horribly rude. But people don't want to be the bearer of bad news. It's easier for them to just disappear. You knew something was wrong. Her behavior changed. She told you this was too much. You kept pushing which made her feel worse. She didn't feel heard, understood or accepted by you. Hence, she decided that she was just going to walk away because she didn't feel like talking would help. you weren't listening. You may have digested her words but se didn't feel heard because you weren't backing off. No matter what she wanted, you wanted something else & were pressing for your way without regard to her. Discussions about soulmates during the 1st 5 dates unless you were discussing the subject generically was a red flag. This was a woman who was love bombing you to some extent. She likes "falling" in love but has no backbone for the work that goes into a relationship. By the time you had sex on that 5th date she worked herself into a tizzy. I'm sorry she wasn't strong enough to push back & use her words better to end things but her shortcomings are no reason for you to stop trusting. Rather use this as a learning opportunity. Improve your comprehension and empathy. When somebody says things are too much, back off, don't pressure them. At most ask what would be a good pace for them or how you can make them feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes people like her won't have an answer for you because they don't have the words or maturity to answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 (edited) 23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Alas ghosting is the way of the world these days. I think it's horribly rude. But people don't want to be the bearer of bad news. It's easier for them to just disappear. You knew something was wrong. Her behavior changed. She told you this was too much. You kept pushing which made her feel worse. She didn't feel heard, understood or accepted by you. Hence, she decided that she was just going to walk away because she didn't feel like talking would help. you weren't listening. You may have digested her words but se didn't feel heard because you weren't backing off. No matter what she wanted, you wanted something else & were pressing for your way without regard to her. Discussions about soulmates during the 1st 5 dates unless you were discussing the subject generically was a red flag. This was a woman who was love bombing you to some extent. She likes "falling" in love but has no backbone for the work that goes into a relationship. By the time you had sex on that 5th date she worked herself into a tizzy. I'm sorry she wasn't strong enough to push back & use her words better to end things but her shortcomings are no reason for you to stop trusting. Rather use this as a learning opportunity. Improve your comprehension and empathy. When somebody says things are too much, back off, don't pressure them. At most ask what would be a good pace for them or how you can make them feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes people like her won't have an answer for you because they don't have the words or maturity to answer. Ehh. I don't think you should put the blame on the OP. 90% of the time when people begin flaking after sex sex is generally what they were mainly interested in from the situation. By all accounts she was really into it prior to that and he was continuing to act much the same while she wasn't. If she's mainly interested in getting laid (or basing rather she continues to talk to people or not on how good the lay was) than it's up to her to communicate that to people. Edited March 10 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 It's seems like she's interested but tried to explain that she felt suffocated. You could either compromise or reflect if you are compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 8 hours ago, JackFlash said: I went out with woman for 5 dates over period of about 2 months, during that time especially towards end we were constantly texting each other, sending songs, pictures etc.. and talking about very deep personal topics. After the 5th date, I apparently got a little too clingy trying to meet up more than once a week, and she totally became different. She started cancelling dates without offering a reschedule, and got very cold on text. When I last asked her out she said, "we shouldn't" and when I asked for an explanation on what happened she has yet to respond. After spending a decent amount of money, time, effort and energy into her, I would think it is at least common courtesy to get an explanation on WHY you are bread crumbing me, or at very least she could have earlier told me she wanted to stop seeing me instead of constantly accepting and then cancelling dates. is this normal? I feel very traumatize and scarred by this situation and much less trusting of people after I hate ghosting with a fiery vengeance. I can’t fathom why it’s so hard for people to just speak straight, be honest and say the truth. And I think ghosting is just horribly disrespectful. That said, I know some very kind people who use ghosting because they just can’t bring themselves to hurt the other person through direct and honest interaction. They simply don’t understand that ghosting is much worse than any painful truth spoken directly. They are just wired that way. Sometimes they simply can’t utter a word, are almost physically unable to speak or to text. So don’t take it too hard. People are different. Whatever her reasons might be, if she chose to ghost you, the only thing you can do is let it be. Focus on something else. Bothering her will make things ever worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyArcher Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 How much money were you spending on her and these dates? This is exactly why you should not invest a ton of money into a person you are just getting to know. Keep early dates really, really simple. So, there is no pressure or expectation. You should never feel like a person owes you something. If I were to bet, I would say this woman is already involved with another person. Or else likes to play the field. 5 dates over the course of two months is nothing. She probably only ever intended to keep you as a casual partner, as she likely is involved with others. Don't put too much of yourself into a person so early. Just have fun getting to know them and see where things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 If she wants to back off and see less of you, she certainly doesn't sound like a golddigger. Nor does it necessarily mean she's dating around. Step back give her some breathing room.. People have jobs, friends family interests hobbies and lives. Please try not to appear clingy or insinuate that paying for dates entities you to something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Alas ghosting is the way of the world these days. I think it's horribly rude. But people don't want to be the bearer of bad news. It's easier for them to just disappear. You knew something was wrong. Her behavior changed. She told you this was too much. You kept pushing which made her feel worse. She didn't feel heard, understood or accepted by you. Hence, she decided that she was just going to walk away because she didn't feel like talking would help. you weren't listening. You may have digested her words but se didn't feel heard because you weren't backing off. No matter what she wanted, you wanted something else & were pressing for your way without regard to her. Discussions about soulmates during the 1st 5 dates unless you were discussing the subject generically was a red flag. This was a woman who was love bombing you to some extent. She likes "falling" in love but has no backbone for the work that goes into a relationship. By the time you had sex on that 5th date she worked herself into a tizzy. I'm sorry she wasn't strong enough to push back & use her words better to end things but her shortcomings are no reason for you to stop trusting. Rather use this as a learning opportunity. Improve your comprehension and empathy. When somebody says things are too much, back off, don't pressure them. At most ask what would be a good pace for them or how you can make them feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes people like her won't have an answer for you because they don't have the words or maturity to answer. I didn't really keep pushing.. after she said that, I left her alone for a few days, then sent out a text or two that she responded to SUPER positively then asked her out again (after she said "she missed me"). Then she accepted the date but then flaked again.. and we talked on text for a few texts about random stuff and I left her alone for a week... then texted again and she just seemed to not be as interested but Was still texting. Just confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 5 minutes ago, JackFlash said: I didn't really keep pushing.. after she said that, I left her alone for a few days, then sent out a text or two that she responded to SUPER positively then asked her out again (after she said "she missed me"). Then she accepted the date but then flaked again.. and we talked on text for a few texts about random stuff and I left her alone for a week... then texted again and she just seemed to not be as interested but Was still texting. Just confusing. She likely isn't looking for any kind of commitment. Once she suspects things are becoming anything more than casual she backs off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 UPDATE: Last Friday I asked her out and she said "we shouldn't", and then I said is the main issue I was moving things too fast and I just want her comfortable. She wrote to me a day later that she's comfortable but doesn't know if I have feelings for her. WTF?!?!? what do I do from here? Of course I have feelings for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 7 minutes ago, JackFlash said: UPDATE: Last Friday I asked her out and she said "we shouldn't", and then I said is the main issue I was moving things too fast and I just want her comfortable. She wrote to me a day later that she's comfortable but doesn't know if I have feelings for her. WTF?!?!? what do I do from here? Of course I have feelings for her. Generally speaking when someone tries to hint they are no longer interested asking them to explain themselves only makes them less interested. Best thing to do when someone is starting to make seeing one another difficult is to simply find someone new to go on dates with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JackFlash Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 11 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Generally speaking when someone tries to hint they are no longer interested asking them to explain themselves only makes them less interested. Best thing to do when someone is starting to make seeing one another difficult is to simply find someone new to go on dates with. huh? So her saying she doesn't know if I have feelings for her means that she's less interested? That doesn't make any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 16 minutes ago, JackFlash said: huh? So her saying she doesn't know if I have feelings for her means that she's less interested? That doesn't make any sense. She said that very shortly after you two had sex. It very much does make sense. For whatever reason you two having sex caused her to back off. Rather or not it's because sex was all she was all that interested in she wouldn't have backed away like that if she herself was feeling a lot of chemistry with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 Exactly. Some women are concerned about men just wanting sex, especially if you are trying to suffocate and accelerate things. Taking it slowly may reassure some women that you aren't just passing through. Pushing, accelerating, etc could be seen as red flags by some women. She wrote to me a day later that she's comfortable but doesn't know if I have feelings for her.WTF?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 50 minutes ago, JackFlash said: WTF?!?!? what do I do from here? Of course I have feelings for her. Do you really not know what to do from here? Stop chasing this woman and leave her alone. She has given you a lot of signs that she is not interested in you. She has clearly been pulling away. Take the hint and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 1 hour ago, JackFlash said: She wrote to me a day later that she's comfortable but doesn't know if I have feelings for her. WTF?!?!? what do I do from here? Of course I have feelings for her. Why not tell her that you have feelings for her? Tell her that she's special to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Brambling Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 She's hard work, OP. Are you sure you wanna pursue things with her? If she really wanted to be with you, then she wouldn't be so vague. Link to post Share on other sites
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