Mz. Pixie Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Yeah, are you starting a comedy act or do you want to fix things? I'm sorry but the way you're putting things are ridiculous. Speak English to her, make it simple and point blank. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Add me to the list. The hell with catch phrases. Be a man, for crying out loud. Never understood why people have the answer that is right in front of them never just get out of the situation !! i understand he loves her but she has told him she is going to do it no matter what !! what part does he not get ? geesh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Aquarius - The reason your posts sound like a troll is that people have trouble believing that someone in your situation would be intentionally trying to come up with phrases that water down the situation, instead of talking plainly. And at that, you're not even getting the metaphors right: If you are going to jiggle the table, the vase may fall over, roll to the edge, and drop on the floor. It is sometimes difficult to put a broken vase back together. But all you did was jiggle the table. No, she didn't "jiggle" the table at all. She walked up to the table, picked up the vase, and while looking you straight in the eye, intentionally smashed it on the floor. Then she picked up a jagged, broken piece of glass and while rubbing your shoulder with one hand, carved her initials into the skin on your back with the sharp point. Metaphors can be interesting and maybe even useful, if you're talking to someone who is trying to understand you. But she's not, is she? You need something to cut through her indifference, and that, as pointed out by a number of other posters here, is a clear, consice, unambiguous statement of your situation, your needs, and your requirements if you are to stay in the marriage. No metaphors! Sit down, tell her exactly what you know, what you want, and how you feel. Don't try to come up with some kind of catch phrase...I can't for the life of me understand why you want to communicate with her this way. Try just saying what you mean for a change. Short, simple, to the point. Bottom line up front. And then LISTEN to what she says back, and how she says it. And as long as it isn't agressive, mocking, or otherwise negative, use that same style to communicate back with her in. ...and I think the suggestion to get some legal advice first is a good one, too. Actions speak louder than words, and aside from protecting yourself legally, this action will add significant weight to your words. You seem to be going to a Herculean extreme to avoid feeling and/or expressing anger over this situation. How do you feel about it? No metaphors - tell us how you really feel... Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Being angry is natural and is our god given right. It's how we set boundaries with ourself and others. Holding in your anger generally doesn't help unless you know it's irrational anger. In this case it isn't. Anger is the emotional tool we use to change how we are treated by others. You NEED to go off on her. This is serious and she needs to understand that it has terrible consequences! You'd be surprised at how effective it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Trimmer, God you're great! If I wasn't married.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Guy Posted December 9, 2005 Author Share Posted December 9, 2005 Update: Thanks for all the responses. Yesterday, I finally felt I have enough metaphors to engage my wife in a meaningful conversation, without flying off the handle, or being unnecessarily hurtful myself. I told my wife she was twisting the knife. What she remembered today was the light switch. I explained that my support for our children would drop substantially, if she pushed me away, and when I hooked up with another family. My wife seems to have shifted away from the idea that cheating is OK, and playing the fidelity card is good fun. We'll see. Questions? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 Wow.... You mean you've got a wife who pretty much openly cheats on you, and you loaded all these flowery metaphors on her, and she thought for a bit and said "oh I see... like a light switch, hmmm... I finally get the error of my ways..." Wow... Only one question, and let me state it very plainly: how can you propose that you would allow your support for your children to "drop substantially" in any forseeable scenario? This seems an extremely vicious proposition for a person who goes to extremes to avoid being "unnecessarily hurtful." ( Mz. Pixie - I'm blushing... ) Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 Only one question, and let me state it very plainly: how can you propose that you would allow your support for your children to "drop substantially" in any forseeable scenario? This seems an extremely vicious proposition for a person who goes to extremes to avoid being "unnecessarily hurtful." ( Mz. Pixie - I'm blushing... ) Seriously, you're a prize- I can tell by your postings. You will not have a problem finding someone to love! Simply Trimmer, he feels that it would be punishing her for him to do so. My exhusband feels the same way. It's amazing that I never spent as much as $100.00 on myself in the last two years of our marriage but suddenly he thinks I'm going to spend his child support on myself. It's funny. He's all that tight about money and he thinks it's hurting me. He has no clue my new mother in law is financially well off and suddenly has two new grandchildren to spoil. She's bought them so much stuff that I would have never been able to afford. He thought he'd keep me in that little apartment over there where I couldn't even afford to buy my daughter a nightgown she wanted. THAT is how he got his revenge or so he thought Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 I just don't understand this guy at all I guess. I have no advice for this particular course of action. Good luck AG. Let us know how it all comes out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Guy Posted December 9, 2005 Author Share Posted December 9, 2005 Update: I came to this board to think through some attitudes, approaches, starting postions, fall-back positions, leverages, carrots, sticks, and sensitivities. I am concerned with having confidence in the future that I am being respected in the house, and in the marriage. I have more work, to avoid being wimpy in the household. However, I have a process started. I am just trying to do my part to make it work. Just if it fails, I want to feel that I made more than reasonable efforts to work things out. Ideas, Questions? Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Aaquarius Guy Is english your first language? I am just asking because I find your grammar and use of the language quite unusual. I also find it strange that you require such tedious and cumbersome 'metaphors' to tell your wife you're hurt....you're pissed....you don't find this acceptable! Why speak in metaphors? Why play games? Tell her point blank, "You know what? I'm unhappy. You either change your behavior or this marriage is over!" The reaon people are calling you a 'wimp' is because you seem unable to confront her directly. I think that's why she's walking all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Maybe all the metaphors are because hes an English teacher? Anyway, I'm really not trying to be rude here, I have read this post as well as another you made about your son/college and your wife. You also are trying to think of the right way to say something to your wife about your son. Just like in this post. I don't understand at all. I'm sorry for the things your wife has done etc, and I understand you are frustrated on things but I really think it might be helpful for you to get yourself checked out by a doc. Theres issues going on here that just doesn't have to do with your wife/son, an issue you have is how you handle things. Its way over the top, and I'm starting to think that after people here have told you over and over again how to maybe go about things, and after you still are adament about doing it your way as far as the correct thing to say, I have to wonder if this is for attention. Once again, not trying to be rude, just trying to understand. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I can honestly say that I understand AG. My husband loves me to the point that he would rather die than living without me. We've been married almost 10 years, and I have to admit that I have frequently thrown out the "D" word. Recently, I find myself very much in love with his best friend. He can sense it, but he doesn't do anything to stop us. He repeately reminds me that he trusts me completely, and I know that he has been telling his friend how much he loves me. At this point, I am not cheating on my husband, and I am trying to fight my urges to do so. (That's why I am perusing this site.) Anyway, back to AG. He can't confront her because he knows that he doesn't have the will power to leave his wife. He would rather die! So this is his way of begging her to stay with him, to love him back. My advice to AG is this: Maybe your marriage is meant to be unconventional, since you have a wife that is obviously like no other woman (in your eyes). She'll be done with the other guy soon, and you will always be the one with her in the end. Good luck. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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