Why Do I choose abusive men?

[sparticuss]

Sorry, but this is not even close to true. The fact is that abusers, like everybody else, first present a golden personality. . They are Jekyll and Hydes, never all black.

 

The abuser doesn't start abusing until the woman is hooked already.

 

ABUSERS DON'T START ABUSING UNTIL THE PARTNER HAS FALLEN IN LOVE SO TO SAY THAT WOMEN FALL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY LIKE 'DRAMA' IS UTTERLY INANE.

 

.

 

Sorry yoursel f Outcast but this is absoloutely true. I'm not just quoting the work of Erin Pizey. I'm speaking from personal experience with a couple in a posioned relationships like this.

 

SHE not he, would pick the fights over nothing. He would beat her up and (and this is where you have got it wrong Outcast, SHE would go back.)

 

You can talk the golden peronality the the Jekyl and Hyde till hell freezes over Outcast. The bottom line is that these women do go back long after they know he's an abuser.

 

They do want the drama instead of the boredom

They do want the apologies insteadof no need to abologise for anything.

They do want the emotional blackmail cause they feel in control of him that way.

[Outcast]

So glad you're an expert in psych. So how many degrees do you have? Your analysis is faulty. You are not in their heads and you have not been in an abusive situation and you absolutely can NOT speak for someone who is.

[sparticuss]

So glad you're an expert in psych. So how many degrees do you have? Your analysis is faulty. You are not in their heads and you have not been in an abusive situation and you absolutely can NOT speak for someone who is.

 

In fact most pro shrinks are nothing to boast about in the acurracy of their knowledge. As a sceience it's only been aroudn since Freud and it studies the most complicated known system in the universe so most of the present ideas a pretty much guesswork anyway. Recardless of if the person has a PhD.

 

I was abused as a child so I have been in abusive sutuations and, as soon as I could walk away I did.

 

And I can relate the situations I have seen. Which I do so. My analysis is certainly not fauty for the situations I've observed personally. The women have picked the fights, they have gone back after the fights, and they have had a thousand opportunities to walk away from the ralationship, and they have repeatedly turne down thos chances.

[lindya]

In fact most pro shrinks are nothing to boast about in the acurracy of their knowledge. As a sceience it's only been aroudn since Freud and it studies the most complicated known system in the universe so most of the present ideas a pretty much guesswork anyway. Recardless of if the person has a PhD.

 

I think one would probably need a PhD in psychodynamic theory in order to make a useful and informed assessment of its validity, not to mention the competence of those using it in professional practice.

 

Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but bear in mind that it's an uninformed one - and, as your posts have indicated many times, one that lacks objectivity.

[helena abadi]

I learned at a young age to pretend everything was OK rather well. To the point where I almost don't know HOW to access my real emotions any more. And I do think those of us who suffered childhood abuse are in many ways more susceptible to the fantasy.

 

For me, I wanted so much to believe my mother loved me more than she showed me that I learned how to take the tiniest signs of affection and blow them out of proportion, to make myself feel like I was loved and protected.

 

Outcast pretty much described my cycle.

 

Pretending everything is OK is a tactic of survival among abused children. I think it's called disassociation. I was in this situation too. My relationships with men have been pretty appalling, except for one. I tolerated abuse, pretended everything was Ok when it really, really wasn't, shut down my needs, yet at the same time I was needy for affection and clung to the crumbs I got.

 

Relationships became a one-way street.

I was unable to respond to men who were emotionally available. Too scary. I ran away. I only knew how to love emotionally unavailable men. My mother had been too distant, and my father overbearing and abusive.

 

Only recently have I finally given up wanting more from my mother than I actually got. That was a healthy move. I then did some grave-kicking regarding my abusive father. Also good.

 

I still have a long way to go.

 

The one relationship that was good, came a very, very long time after my divorce. I had shut down altogether and given up hope. This man was an utter revelation for me, and gave me a glimmer of hope for the future. If the circumstances had been right, we would have stayed together for the rest of our lives.

 

I became motivated. I saw a therapist then, because I wanted to start resolving some of the childhood trauma.

 

The old patterns still aren't entirely broken, and I still lack confidence. But I feel better than I did.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Thanks for sharing your story, Helena.

[helena abadi]

i'm a bit shocked i even told it. until recently, i could not have admitted any of it. i had to muster up the courage a bit. so thanks for your thanks.

[ReluctantRomeo]

i'm a bit shocked i even told it. until recently, i could not have admitted any of it. i had to muster up the courage a bit. so thanks for your thanks.

 

It helped me a lot... I've dated a couple of girls in your shoes. I'm pleased you shared.

[helena abadi]

were they bad experiences?

[ReluctantRomeo]

were they bad experiences?

 

Two of the worst experiences of my life, yes.

[helena abadi]

i think i knew the answer to that before you posted it...do you feel like telling me a little more?

[ReluctantRomeo]

i think i knew the answer to that before you posted it...do you feel like telling me a little more?

 

Sure. I'll PM you.

[sparticuss]

Just one interesting add on.

Guys who murder their wives normally have a marriage offer ( a serious one ) from a total stranger, withing six months of going to prison.

And those who get out score more sexual conquests withn the first few months of thier parole than in thier entire lives before going into jail.

 

So there's a lot of women out there choose abusive men.

[lindya]

Just one interesting add on.

Guys who murder their wives normally have a marriage offer ( a serious one ) from a total stranger, withing six months of going to prison.

And those who get out score more sexual conquests withn the first few months of thier parole than in thier entire lives before going into jail.

 

So there's a lot of women out there choose abusive men.

 

So to any abusers or murderers out there....just remember to never give up hope on the romance business! Someone out there is gonna recognise yer special qualities and luv ya the way ya deserve ter be luvved.

[Outcast]

So there's a lot of women out there choose abusive men

 

Not because they're abusive, which seems to be the salient point which escapes you. The women who fall for men in prison think the poor lads were 'misunderstood' and that they (the women) can 'rescue' 'repair' or otherwise nurture the guys back to normalcy.

 

If anything, it's the female urge to nurture carried to the extreme, NOT an attraction to the evil/violence. Yes, there are a few sicko women who might think violent guys are cool, but they'll be VERY few.

[beentheredonethat2]

Ok in defense of Becoming, who has been there for me spiritually in every way,

 

someone who spells loser "looser" is automatically written off in my mind

[beentheredonethat2]

Outcast we seem to be in every heated debate

[helena abadi]

I think Lindya and Outcast have got it summed up really well. Abusers often can't be spotted from the outset, and altho we are equipped with a radar warning system (instinct), and presumably some general wisdom, sometimes abuse takes time to surface. Yeah, and we think we can fix it.....very silly...we can only control our own behaviour.

 

Taking time out from romantic relationships to review what's gone wrong, and doing some spade work to change our behaviour, is a great idea. Rebounds are messy and so often repeat patterns.

 

As for men getting marriage proposals after murdering their wives...it's a really weird world. There ought to be a law against that one. Women who attempt rescues that are so extreme need protection against themselves!

[Becoming]

Hadn't checked this thread in awhile. Just wanted to say thanks to helena for her courage in sharing some of her story. It's hard to tell the secret that's become so much a part of us, but until we do, we keep falling in the same d*^n holes!

 

I think I heard my name somewhere . . . yes:

Ok in defense of Becoming, who has been there for me spiritually in every way,

 

someone who spells loser "looser" is automatically written off in my mind

 

 

Sorry, ya lost me. . . . what?

[Guest]

What is everyone take on women that are abusive? That are out to use men for sex and companionship? Is it because they feel unworthy unlovable?

[In Sync]

Sorry, but this is not even close to true. The fact is that abusers, like everybody else, first present a golden personality. And, contrary to popular belief, they of course have tremendous personality characteristics. No human being is all bad; the problem is that humans tend to think that an abuser would behave unpleasantly right off the bat so they would never take up with an abuser. It's not the case. Abusers are regular people with, often, many endearing traits. They are Jekyll and Hydes, never all black.

 

Anybody can look wonderful while you're dating over the first few months. So the woman falls for this seemingly-wonderful man and, yes, ignores the warning signs because they seem to be anomalies in an otherwise lovely person. The abuser doesn't start abusing until the woman is hooked already.

 

Then, the first instance of abuse happens and the woman thinks 'he's been wonderful so far; there must be a reason for this - it's just an anomaly' and so, when the abuser (as he always will) begs forgiveness and swears it will never happen again, she forgives him. After all, he's wonderful and has been wonderful to her all along but this.

 

And this is how women get stuck. People always believe that the person they meet at the beginning of a relationship is the 'real' personality and that any behaviour which emerges later that doesn't jibe with that is the anomaly.

 

ABUSERS DON'T START ABUSING UNTIL THE PARTNER HAS FALLEN IN LOVE SO TO SAY THAT WOMEN FALL FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY LIKE 'DRAMA' IS UTTERLY INANE.

 

And Lindya's got it spot on about why women fall for these men. There will always be little warning signs and what a woman MUST do is heed the warning signs and not forgive aberrations in behaviour.

 

The other thing is that a lot of women don't even know the warning signs! There are sites and books that list them that all women should check out.

 

 

I just found this particular post and yes...this was my experience. My ex lover was a verbal abuser. But when I first met him he was so nice and fun and sweet. He was charming to sum it up. To this day, as it has been over for months now, when I think back, I can believe how the transition came about...I excused his raging at me, and assumed it was my fault, because no one just exploded the way he did if there were no reason. All I wanted was for things to go back to when he was kinder...which was less frequent after I'd fallen completely for the "charmer." I never even realized ther was such a thing as a verbal abuser...I just couldn't believe I'd be with someone who was. It's a permanent scar on the psyche. I've read books and informed myself but the sting from his verbal assaults are just as fresh as the day he said them.