Missing her so much - lonely nights

[Resilient1]

Well, a few days after I posted last a tragic event happened to my ex. One of her parents passed in an accident. She called me to be there for her and support her. Mind you we hadn't talked in about 2-3 weeks. I have been helping her with as much as I can ever since. I put my personal feelings aside because they just didn't matter when something like this happens. Her BF has been somewhat of a now show for almost 3 weeks and I have been filling in helping her with anything I can. Well we have become intimate again with each other during this and I asked her this weekend (when I shouldn't have) why she was with him after we did what we did and she said she wanted to know if she still felt the same way about me and she said she didn't. I asked her if she wanted to be with me or him and she said him. I was crushed and lashed out a little but stopped realizing what she is going through. She has told me lately that he is not that great though and it is not like they are getting married and he is just something to do. . And then she says well he is nice to me and treats me good. She has even agreed with me about him being an a@@#@ around other people. I had to deal with his dirty looks even on her parents funeral. Well we hadn't done anything since last Sunday until this Sunday that past. We were affectionate with each other. She says right now is not the right time to bring my feelings up and I am trying but I just am so hurt still that she is still with him. She said just to be there as a genuine friend and I know I should not say anything when his name is mentioned or he is there but it is almost like I am not good enough. In a sense I feel like just there as security when things aren't going right or when she needs me. I love this girl with all my heart and told her that I am going to be the bigger better man during this since her bf is a u know what. I don't know what to do beyond that. I know she cares about me but how much I dont know?? She knows how I feel. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, I hate this...

[LN8840K]

this is insane ..... she seems to enjoy hurting you and the drama that goes along with it ......and you seem to enjoy the pain............

 

cut your losses

[lexilas]

Lashed out at ex last night...

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Just wanted to say thank you for all the responses as they are giving me a different way of thinking and possible hope for the future...

 

Well after not talking since Friday night briefly she called me on Sunday explaining that her Grandmother is in the hospital and her family from out of town is here. She feels compelled to tell me the reason she hasn't called for some reason lately. Anyways I called her back on Monday and just wanted to express my concern for her family. She said she was sick and acted like nothing happened, we talked briefly and she also asked for my help with a resume. Well I still had very strong feelings from what happened last weekend but didn't express them right then and there. She called me yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her children. I called her back after work and explained that I had an appointment at couldn't make it. Although she was playing she said that she was going to tell her kids that I didn't want to see them and that I suck AND THEN SHE MENTIONED HIS NAME saying well I guess will invite or take so and so and then said j/k. She told me that he wanted to apologize and I said F%&$&K him and said I never want to talk to him let alone for you to mention his name around me for his actions. And asked her if she told him anything for being confrontational with me at the birthday party and she said she did. I blew up after that and said she should really choose her words more carefully next time she calls someone selfish when I am still around despite you having a BF among other things and how that I have unconditional love for you and that he can't love you like I do... Well she was at work at the time and said I called to invite you to dinner not for a lecture.. I said how can you say my feelings are a lecture.. I was angry and hurt again.. She left a VM this morning on my phone asking if I could still help her with her resume and didn't mention anything that happened yesterday or her feelings! I don't know sometimes I feel fine for the most part when she doesn't call but being a person with such a big heart I can't turn her down when she needs my help (especially when it effects her well being and her children's) even though I don't think she really appreciates me. I wish she would acknowledge what I say and not pretend like everything is alright...Just venting.. I don't want to cry anymore I need to be strong though and not slip into depression again.. Thanks for reading..

 

 

Resilient - it sounds like you are going through a very hurtful situation but it seems you keep going back for more (that's okay though) because we all have our limits and nothing is going to break the cycle you've been going through until you 1) REACH YOUR LIMIT; and 2) PUT YOURSELF FIRST FOR AWHILE.

 

In the meantime, best wishes to you and keep us posted.

[Resilient1]

Well, just wanted to vent and express my sad feelings tonight. I can't do NC because I want to be there for her in these hard times but at the same time my heart is hurting sooo much. I find myself crying on the way to work, from work, and even just at any random time. Last time I saw her was on Sunday and I spent the night with her and I didn't want to let her go. I tried to see her on Tues. and she wanted to hang out with me and get out of seeing her bf but he made her feel bad. Tonight we were supposed to hang out also but she needed to talk to him about his actions lately and whether there relationship is going to continue. I am feeling so alone tonight. I love her sooo much and believe me I tried to follow everyone's advice about NC but my heart is too big to just not talk to her while she is going through this even though she has him. I am holding back a lot from her and it hurts sooo much. I miss her beyond anything. I am trying to not think about it tonight but it is hard. Why does GOD allow us to feel so strongly about someone and them not feel the same way about us. I am trying to be strong it just is sad that it seems that she can't see I am worth it.

 

Thanks for reading

[riobikini]

Dear Resilient,

 

I agree with Lexilas, -this girl is only using you.

 

It appears she appreciates the DRAMA of all this far too much.

 

She knows you're saturated with emotion, she knows your behavior and your personality so well that she's actually counting on all that to keep you available to her.

 

She's not at all confused, -she's manipulative, cruel and even sadistic.

 

Your emotions towards her feeds an insatiable appetite for dramatic and drawn-out horsesh*t, which plumps her rather dysfunctional ego.

 

Which brings me to an interesting point you should give some thought to: it's not her heart you are playing to, it's something she values more, -her own selfishness and shallow, inflated sense of self.

 

She enjoys the 'power' she has over you, -she views your strong emotions towards her as 'worship', -not love.

 

Throughout your many posts, it becomes more clear that she simply feeds from all your behavior and emotional reactions.

 

She reminds you of how her children miss you, of how she is considering her other boyfriend's feelings and his 'place' in her life, knowing it's agonizing for you to hear all that, -and throughout this she has kept you desperately hopeful, deeply involved, and painfully clinging to her.

 

Resilient, this will go on as long as you allow it.

 

Break from her in every way.

 

Stop all the contact and get professional help if you need to, in order to accomplish that.

 

Some of the patterns of her behavior have, in a sense, rubbed off on you due to being involved with her for so long; you both keep playing to the drama.

 

The pain of the absolute break will, no doubt, be acute, but it sounds like it's a necessary action to take to finally make sense of your life again and live in peace.

 

I hope I have said something to help you.

 

Take care, -and I'll be following your thread.

 

Hugs.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Resilient1]

First and foremost I would like to thank all who have posted on my thread. Recent developments from my last post is not much but more hurt. On Friday I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go to dinner and she said she already had plans with the bf. I havent seen her since Mon. when we had lunch. She said she really didnt want to go out and eat but he asked her prior. Well I got kind of hurt and expressed that because I have been trying to c her all week. I know he has been there all week so I wouldnt and I told her this but she doesnt listen to me. I even exclaimed that I was a better man and she agreed with me and I asked her to give me another chance and she said she doesnt want to go through the pain again and that it would be difficult because she doesnt like my family. She said that she cares for me as a good friend and doesnt have those type of feelings for me. This crushed me. She called me selfish again and hung up on me. I called yesterday to see how she was doing and she said she got in a fender bender. I expressed my concern and asked if I can visit her but she said he was going to be there. Everytime she mentions him there is no enthusiasm in her voice??The same result happened on Friday. I text her apologizing and for her to call me or text me back but all she texted me was Im eatin right now. This was last night. Why is she being sooo distant with me when we spent most of last week and last weekend together and she even let me spend the night with her Wed, Fri, Sat and Sun of last week. How can someone spend time with someone like this and say she doesn't have any feelings for that person. We have done things that just friends dont do. I am soo confused but I am going to just leave her alone. What should I tell her ,if anything, when she calls. Should I just not answer. It kills me knowing she has been with him all week and she didnt even feel the need to see me or be around me. I feel like breaking down. I cant take much more of this. I know she is going through a difficult time but am I wrong for expressing myself?? Everyone else sees that I am a good guy for her except her. I feel I deserve to be treated better and not be put on the backburner until she feels like having me around or when she needs me. I have done so much for this girl and I dont think she really appreciates me or my love. I am not going to call her and see how long until she remembers me... I hope one day she doesn't look back and realize what she did to probably the one man that loved her the most and wonder what could have been..

 

Thanks for reading

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Resilient: " I feel I deserve to be treated better and not be put on the backburner until she feels like having me around or when she needs me."

 

So the question is:

 

"How strongly do you feel about deserving to be treated better?"

 

I'm dealing with the aftermath of having deep feelings for someone who said he doesn't know what he really wants, after all, -so I ended it.

 

I ended it because I took time to look at his past behavior over the last several years and began to see a pattern with all his relationships.

 

I know that if similar patterns are still present, that chances are slim-to-none that a partner will suddenly break from the pattern and know what he wants just because you happen to have these fantastic, wonderful feelings towards him/her.

 

With my guy, I believe it was just a case of shopping fever, -where he just didn't want one of the cherry tarts, -he wanted to try everything in the whole f***ing bakery!

 

And that hurts my feelings (pout) because I'm a really great cook, too.

 

(Smile)

 

Look, you do deserve to be treated better.

 

Change your own patterns of behavior, -you can't change hers.

 

Take care.

 

 

Yours,

-Rio

[Resilient1]

Well it's me again; Let me start off by thanking those who have replied to my Posts. I have been ok for the most part in the month of Feb with a few drawbacks but overall better than before. I have been playing sports and concentrating on my career which has helped but I still think about her daily. I have even dreamed about her and occasionally cry for her but not like before. I haven't seen my ex in about 3-4 weeks with minimal contact mainly short text messages. I haven't initiated these she has, I have only responded. One time we talked on the phone and I told her how I felt , how she rejected me and chose this other guys feelings ahead of mine and she basically said the things are the way they are because of me and blaming me for everything. Well since then she text me this last Tues. asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I knew it was going to be difficult to see her so I said I had no money and brought my lunch. Well she pleaded with me to go since she hadn't seen me in awhile. This is where things went wrong. I went and just felt like crap because she just seemed normal and I was hurting inside. Later on that night she called me because her children needed help with their homework which I don’t mind but she acted like everything was fine. Today she called accidentally and I called back and she acted like nothing. I couldn’t hold it back so I text her saying how she could have me around for awhile and then reject me for him and so on and so forth. Well she called and told me I thought that we were starting to work on a friendship and that she wants to believe I am good people,but I am sick and I need help because I said how she could act as like normal (between us). I wasn’t speaking of the tragedy that happened, that is a given and I was there for her, I was talking about me and her and why she turned me down for his (her now BF) feelings… F@#$#@ I give up… I sent her a voice mail saying I was going to leave her alone and how she could think that I am sick blah blah blah when I was the one always there for her until what someone else comes along. I am exhausted and sick of her taking me for granted for a piece of ****. I know who I am and I am better than this. Thanks for listening.