I just can't guess the situation

[Katiem4211]

My wife of 12 years left me for someone else. She wouldn't budge on Fixing marriage, she was certain she wanted divorce. Then moved out. I took the seperation hard and it turned nasty. We filed divorce 3 weeks ago and terminated our lease for apartment. We haven't talked for 3 weeks. I texted her to pick a day to start packing her things. I told I'd leave boxes for her and she can take whatever she wants. Later, I was bombarded with messages about how I failed the relationship, manipulated her and her friends, and  how she should have taken my retirement in divorce. (I'm a teacher, she's a doctor) I never manipulated her friends or caused many problems in the marriage. It's like she's lying to herself and making things up, and constantly blaming me for something. My question is why if she wanted the divorce and moved out is she continually bringing up the relationship and sooo angry when I simply asked her to pick a day to pack and I'll leave? 

[Gebidozo]

On 3/9/2024 at 5:51 AM, Katiem4211 said:

My wife of 12 years left me for someone else. She wouldn't budge on Fixing marriage, she was certain she wanted divorce. Then moved out. I took the seperation hard and it turned nasty. We filed divorce 3 weeks ago and terminated our lease for apartment. We haven't talked for 3 weeks. I texted her to pick a day to start packing her things. I told I'd leave boxes for her and she can take whatever she wants. Later, I was bombarded with messages about how I failed the relationship, manipulated her and her friends, and  how she should have taken my retirement in divorce. (I'm a teacher, she's a doctor) I never manipulated her friends or caused many problems in the marriage. It's like she's lying to herself and making things up, and constantly blaming me for something. My question is why if she wanted the divorce and moved out is she continually bringing up the relationship and sooo angry when I simply asked her to pick a day to pack and I'll leave? 

I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve been there. It’s very hard, and I know that it feels like an impossibility, but I assure you that there is life after divorce and things can and will get better.

It sounds to me like she is trying to justify her behavior by lashing out at you. She is probably feeling guilty. She might have had an affair with that man before divorcing you. Deep down she realizes that she did something wrong. Blaming you is her way of deafening the pounding of a troubled conscience in her chest. Don’t take it personally. She is probably suffering right now.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't want to take responsibility for her role in the demise of your marriage.  It's easier for her to make you the sole bad guy.  

Let whatever she says roll off you, in one ear then out the other but do keep the messages for your lawyer. 

I'm sorry you are going through this but take the time to heal

[MsJayne]

Your message drove home the finality of divorce and it gave her a jolt. She feels you're at fault and so she doesn't want you calling any shots, like telling her to organise a day to pick up her belongings. You were supposed to have a big break down and beg her to come back. I'd be questioning who was the manipulative one in the relationship because obviously she's not really happy with her decision to leave or she wouldn't be so angry, and it sounds like hurting you is really just an attempt at gaining control. Usually when people refuse to go for relationship counselling it's either because they genuinely want out of the relationship, or because they know they're the one causing the problems and don't want a third party confirming it. I'd just pack those boxes for her and leave it to her to collect them. If it means leaving them in a neighbour's garage or other safe place I'd just do that instead of trying to communicate with her.