Anxious soul Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 (edited) TLDR: Husband keeps saying white lies and doing suspicious activities. Don’t know if he is cheating or if I am having trust issues from my from first relationship and should just relax Hello I have dated my husband for a year and got married and been together for 2 years since marriage. He has always been a person who lies, white lies always nothing serious, I have understood this has come from his childhood trauma as his parents were too strict so he is used to that. However it has significantly reduced now. However there were couple of incidents where he was talking to few girl friends and deleting those chats in the beginning of our relationship and after marriage also I have found him emailing to one of his “girl” friend which were cryptic and weird but it wasn’t like he was cheating on me but he deleted all of those as well. I confronted him about all this. He explained them but it wasn’t very satisfactory. My first boyfriend cheated on me badly and I was heartbroken to the core and it was hard for me to overcome that. I don’t know if this incident in my life is the reason to always lookout for his lies and looking for stuff behind his back. Or is he really cheating on me. Today he said he is going to work but then he went elsewhere I caught him and asked him where he is, he got mad and said our anniversary is in couple of days and I don’t give him an opportunity to do any surprises for me. Always pushing and asking me questions about his whereabouts. Then he lied saying he is out with his friend(mutual) and he was not. So I don’t know, am I overly being on the watch out or should I relax. I am very scared to have my heartbroken again. I am terrified to be fooled again. I have his passwords, locations and all stuff you can name of. I feel like s*** for doing these things but I don’t know how to be without. I dont know if he would cheat. Please advice Edited March 8 by Anxious soul Tldr Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 You're not happy. Please seek therapy for ongoing support and please see an attorney to discuss annulment or divorce. Please reread this over and over: "I am very scared to have my heartbroken again." "I am terrified to be fooled again" "I feel like s***" 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 You can't stay. This relationship makes you way too uncomfortable. When you have to second guess yourself, that's because he's gaslighting you. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. Get out now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 You don't have trust issues. You are married to a habitual liar who is not trustworthy. You married him knowing about the lies & the deleted messages. Why did you do that? If you have his passwords & you have location trackers on him, when & where do you think he's cheating? I get that he said he was going with friends but you found out he lied & was elsewhere. So where was he? Did the location indicate that he was crafting a surprise for your anniversary? At this point he views you like his strict parents -- as jailer not a supportive wife Unfortunately I do believe you are on the path to more heartache. He may be cheating but if he's not & you persist in accusing him. you will drive him away. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anxious soul Posted March 8 Author Share Posted March 8 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: You married him knowing about the lies & the deleted messages. Because he said he would work on it and he has improved as well. 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: when & where do you think he's cheating? I don’t know. I just feel he might cheat on me and break my heart 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: was going with friends but you found out he lied & was elsewhere. So where was he? Did the location indicate that he was crafting a surprise for your anniversary? He said he is going to work and turned off his location after that. And after an hour I called him he was in his car saying I never let him plan a surprise for him and then he said he was with his friends. But he did not get back to work for 5 hours though. And his credit card purchase is from a restaurant for $30 bucks and a Walmart purchase of $40 bucks. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 You are this upset because you fear he MIGHT cheat. Monitoring somebody's location, reviewing the credit cards & generally being paranoid is not healthy. You need to work on your ability to trust but the problem is you picked somebody who is programed to rebel & who generally acts untrustworthy. Have you tried therapy? You have to be able to distinguish legitimate cheating / unsavory behavior from your fears. If you don't you will drive your partner to do the very thing you fear. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 You married a habitual liar, and you are afraid he going to lie to you ? Yes he is. Either deal with this your whole life or leave. You can not get what you want. An non lieing DH Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 On 3/8/2024 at 8:11 AM, Anxious soul said: TLDR: Husband keeps saying white lies and doing suspicious activities. Don’t know if he is cheating or if I am having trust issues from my from first relationship and should just relax Hello I have dated my husband for a year and got married and been together for 2 years since marriage. He has always been a person who lies, white lies always nothing serious, I have understood this has come from his childhood trauma as his parents were too strict so he is used to that. However it has significantly reduced now. However there were couple of incidents where he was talking to few girl friends and deleting those chats in the beginning of our relationship and after marriage also I have found him emailing to one of his “girl” friend which were cryptic and weird but it wasn’t like he was cheating on me but he deleted all of those as well. I confronted him about all this. He explained them but it wasn’t very satisfactory. My first boyfriend cheated on me badly and I was heartbroken to the core and it was hard for me to overcome that. I don’t know if this incident in my life is the reason to always lookout for his lies and looking for stuff behind his back. Or is he really cheating on me. Today he said he is going to work but then he went elsewhere I caught him and asked him where he is, he got mad and said our anniversary is in couple of days and I don’t give him an opportunity to do any surprises for me. Always pushing and asking me questions about his whereabouts. Then he lied saying he is out with his friend(mutual) and he was not. So I don’t know, am I overly being on the watch out or should I relax. I am very scared to have my heartbroken again. I am terrified to be fooled again. I have his passwords, locations and all stuff you can name of. I feel like s*** for doing these things but I don’t know how to be without. I dont know if he would cheat. Please advice Sorry to hear about all that. In retrospect, perhaps marrying “a person who lies” might not have been the wisest move, especially considering the fact you were betrayed by your ex. On the other hand, it is a good sign that your husband’s lies are significantly reduced now. Is he aware of his problem? Is he working on that? Does he apologize for his lies? If so, then I wouldn’t suggest being suspicious and pushy with him. Give him some time and space to work on his issues. If, however, he is always being defensive and even angry whenever you catch him lying, then the problems are really his and have nothing to do with your trust issues. The first step is always confession. Acknowledging your own problems, sincerely apologizing, committing to change. From your description it’s hard to determine whether your husband is in that state of soul and mind. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ayaj Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Might not be a popular opinion but if you have all his passwords + access to his phone and want to reassure yourself that you are the problem and not him, then you should install spy software on his phone. You can do this easily and only have to delete 1 email without him knowing for him to have no clue. If you have trust issues, you are not going to believe him even if he is telling the truth. The software on his phone will show you literally everything he does with it. You won't need to trust him to realize you are the problem and can even go to some sort of therapy for your issues after that. Just as likely you will be able to confirm he is doing something behind your back without having to rely on an habitual liar being honest with you. I understand your issue in having a partner who is not use to telling the truth because of over protective parents. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 ayja, she's already spying on him. What you're suggesting is illegal and ridiculous. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted April 1 Share Posted April 1 I am not sure what would constitute a "white lie" as opposed to a "lie." It seems to be one and the same to me. The very fact that he DOES LIE would definitely give most anyone TRUST issues. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 2 Share Posted April 2 happyhorizons -- to meet a white lie is something you say to make somebody feel better: "yes I like that outfit" or "dinner was delicious" when you don't really care for the color or fit of the clothes and you have had better meals. I lie is "no I'm not cheating on you" or some other untrue statement that hurts the listener. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 2 Share Posted April 2 (edited) On 4/2/2024 at 5:36 AM, happyhorizons said: I am not sure what would constitute a "white lie" as opposed to a "lie." It seems to be one and the same to me. The very fact that he DOES LIE would definitely give most anyone TRUST issues. White lies are generally of no consequence. And there's the fact that some people can't handle the truth and will retaliate. It's why so many lie when a women trying on some clothes asks "does my bum look big in this?" It's not a discussion worth having unless you genuinely know they want the truth. I got burned with being honest about that once. Edited April 2 by basil67 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted April 3 Share Posted April 3 1 hour ago, basil67 said: White lies are generally of no consequence. And there's the fact that some people can't handle the truth and will retaliate. It's why so many lie when a women trying on some clothes asks "does my bum look big in this?" It's not a discussion worth having unless you genuinely know they want the truth. I got burned with being honest about that once. Basil, you seem to TELL IT LIKE IT IS..... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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