How to Break Up With Someone You Love

[candywor]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and some months now. Up to now he has not told me he loves me. Everytime I ask he says when he says it he wants to mean it, to the point I have gotten frustrated with asking. Our whole relationship I have felt emotionally distant from him, but he warned me that he is not one to really show emotions so I figured that I can't hold that against him. The thing is wouldn't he know after being with me a year of more if he loves me or not?

 

I would think that he is stringing me along except that so far he has been honest and committed(at least I think so but you can never be sure) to me and comes off as having very strong morals. He always denies that he doesn't want to be with me and tells me that I am reading too much into things. He is there for me when I need him in many ways. On the other hand I am a very emotional person and I need to hear those words and he makes no attempt at saying them soon. I begining to think Im wasting my time, except that I love him, he shows me just enough emotions for our relationship to survive. I have attempted to break up with him 3 times. I say attempted cause I always change my mind and hope that things will change, but I'm getting to the end of the line.

 

He also said that he has no intentions of getting married negative aspects that he has seen in other people relationships, esp his family members. I guessed he changed his mind from telling me that outright when he saw how much it hurted me because now he says " I don't know" the second time I asked him. The things that gets me is this guy denies not wanting to be with me but every time I say "I can't do this anymore" he says "Well he can't keep me if I'm not happy" and we get back together and things actually improve after a confrontation, but yet I feel like ****, cause I try to make it work cause I love him and I don't even know if he loves me.

 

It has gotten to the point where when it comes to my relationship I don't know where its leading. He doesnt seem like he wants to break up with me, acts like things are perfectly fine, but to me it isn't and I don't know how to end it but I know I will have to and that is what hurts so much...

[bunnzy]

If you feel emotionally distant from him, and he is not putting himself into the relationship it is not love. You are wasting your time and effort and love on this guy who is not going to return it.

 

Make a decision and stick to it. You deserve better.

[solsta]

sweetie i have been through a similar thing for a year and a half. I am very emotional as well, and i never give up on ppl. But at some point you have to ask if you are compatible emotionally. Will he ever be able to give you what you need? Will you be happy if he can't? I know you love him and think that's all that should matter but it sucks when it isn't enough.

[candywor]

It does. When we are together everything is fine. He shows me enough emotions, and we would seem almost perfect except sometimes I would tell that I love him and he would say "Thank you". When we are not together he doesn't think he needs to call me everyday, except now on a regular basis we speak everyday. Sometimes it seems like he loves me depending on the way he acts, sometimes it doesn't. I just can't be sure

[solsta]

why don't you try pulling back then? don't say i love you unless he does. He will start to wonder what's going on? You can't let him think you are such a sure thing any more. He needs to be more consistent with his behaviour in order for you feel secure with your relationship.

[mini696]

Its your decision... But if you really see the relationship stalling, or not becoming what you need, then I suggest you leave.

 

He could be waiting until he feels that he is in love with you, these things can take time, and can take a LONG time if you weren't ready for a relationship to begin with.

 

I have broken up with my ex because she couldn't work out what she needed in our relationship. Who knows what will happen in the future tho.

[candywor]

Thanks for all the advice. Something was said that sparked my attention. Saying that these things take time when you are not ready for a relationship sparked my attention, cause when we first got involved he wasn't ready for one but he got involved with me cause he said he was scared of losing me. Everything with this guy is super slow, but I really care for him. I do have a big decision to make though, but thanks for the advice in helping me so far.

[riobikini]

Your guy sounds like MY guy that I just broke up with for the same reason as you give...mainly the S-L-O-W to express (or even form?) emotions. It was like I was walking on eggs knowing that he would 'spook' if I told him how I felt.

 

It was like he could hear my mind forming the sentences even before I spoke them whenever I wanted to tell him how I felt about him and ask him how he felt about me. He would show me just enough emotion to keep me hanging there like a painful hangnail you keep accidentlally rubbing against something. I was constantly aware that he was prepared to divert the conversation when I was ready to approach the subject. Like he had a crystal ball or something not matter how I eased up on the subject. And everytime he shot down the 'talk' I felt like sh*t.

 

I have never been the type to cling or beg or whine about wanting anyone to show me how they felt about me or search for evidence of those deeper feelings in someone. But with this guy, I felt like a weak, needy female - something I detest and would never do. I believe I was asking the same thing that any other female would ask...which was "Hey...we've been together and shared everything for this long...aren't you the least bit past mere affection, YET??????"

 

But he fielded those questions like a pro and diverted the very hint of them. But then, he would turn around and say sh*t like "I don't want to lose you", and "I really want to be with you", and "I enjoy having you with me so much, we have so much in common", and "You're the most exciting woman I've ever been with". Go figure!!!!!

 

He did little caring things that I latched onto the way a hungry stray gulps up scraps of food...and it was like he timed those acts of caring just when I was about to break it off. It was like he could tell. He would even go so far as to hang his head a little (in a boyish way) and admit that he wasn't doing his 'part' in showing any emotion. But it was like he then looked at me to forgive him and give him another chance.

 

This went on and on. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I was getting NOTHING from this relationship and my emotions were always on the verge of just bursting.

 

I wanted to scream "YOU IDIOT!! I AM IN LOVE WITHYOU!!!!" And demand that he tell me his heart. (That is if he even had one...I would have held my breath to find out). But it would have only made me look insane. Foolish. And I would have been completely humiliated because that whole scene is so totally not 'me'.

 

I finally got up enough nerve to break it off (like you I had tried three times before), and then I immediately blocked his email. I am carefully monitoring my phone calls and when (if) he calls I know it will be difficult but I will not answer. I cannot keep putting myself through that kind of emotional abuse. And that's what it really is ...: ABUSE!

 

Be strong....let him go. His mission is to torment some one...not to love them.

People like them are only out to satisfy their own narcissistic (and maybe sadistic) needs....and you and I deserve much better.

 

Take care.

[LoveApple]

Aww babe i'm really sorry

I had a boyfriend like that once, broke up with him- and regretted it so much, and still do, over 2 years later!! So before you do anything.. be honest with yourself and ask.. will I be happier without him?

 

I know people who haven't said the "L" word until the relationship reached 2 years, and they're happily together So just remember that everyone's different.