My view on being a mistress

[Lyubimaya]

I've been reading a lot of posts in regards to being a mistress. So, I'll tell my story and share my experience to give another perspective.

 

I am a successful professional and a mistress to a MM. I am not a "kept" mistress, as I do very well on my own. It didn't start for just sex either. Before we ever had our first encounter, we knew this relationship was much more than that.

 

We are in love. I am the one he cannot stop thinking about. He's not happy in his marriage of 14 yrs, but he's not unhappy either. It's just there. If he didn't stand to lose so much monetarily, he would divorce. I knew this from the start, and had mentally conditioned myself that he will not leave her. I'm fine and have accepted that fact. I, at one point, was married for 7 years and have been divorced with a son for 4 yrs now. I've traveled down that path of marriage and know that I don't feel the need to rehitch. I've learned to live independently and like my time alone. Plus, I don't want to relive that routine life of living with the spouse 24/7 and deal with the stagnacy of married life.

 

Our relationship is perfect. It's exactly what I want. I don't want to deal with a man 24/7, it's exhausting. I spend half my life working, the other quarter with my son, and the other quarter for "things for me". I had a serious relationship with a man right after my divorce, and it ate up the time from my only son (I know, shame on me for not spending more time with my child - I've learned my lesson). I do not have time for a full-time relationship with a man. I dedicate my time to my work and my son.

 

This is how my relationship is working with my MM. He's so wonderful, I'd rather have him in my life part-time, than not at all. Quite honestly, I don't know if I could be with him full-time. By no means do I ask him to leave her. Because I love him, I wouldn't do that to him.

 

I am faithful to him. He feels I'm getting the short end of the stick; says I indeed deserve more and it's not fair to me. He doesn't command me to be faithful, cause he says he can't have his cake and eat it too. However, I am the one who insists that I have no interest in finding anyone else - and I say that perhaps when I'm sixty I'll find me an old geiser to settle down with. But for now, I have committed to being a long-term mistress to him exclusively.

 

We talk everyday - each morning, noon, and night. I see him sometimes every other week, or if we get lucky, 2-3 times a week. I am extremely content with that. We have discussed, though, if I would remain with him if he leaves her. Initially I said no, but we've been together for awhile now and I would continue to be with him if he divorced. But we said we would not marry. We would still live separate. We both like time alone, and agreed that should the divorce occur, we would still have separate lives.

 

And this is where we're at. I have no intentions on breaking up the marriage - and it doesn't bother me one bit that I'm technically in 2nd place. I know that I'm first in his heart, and that is all I need to be happy. Simply knowing that I am truly loved and put on a pedestal is far better in my eyes, than having a mediocre marriage to him.

 

I know that this is not normal thought process, but this is the way I tick. Most people would not understand how I can be happy, but I have to say I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just thought I'd give some insight as to how I look at this type of situation. I anticipate negative comments, but that's fine. I know it's hard for most to understand how I deal with it. Again, just trying to shed light somewhat.

[scarletletter]

I am also in a relationship with a mm and it sounds a whole lot like your situation, except for the fact that I am still technically married also. My husband and I have no sexual or emotional feelings for each other, just going through the motions for my daughter right now and that's not going to last too much longer. I have a problem wanting this MM more than I can have him. Like your situation, he loves me and I know I am number one in his live, following his 2 sons. He doens't want to leave until they are grown, which will be several years from now. He and I are totally and completely in love and I know that he does not love his wife like he does me. My problem is that I cannot get over the jealousy that he sleeps in the same bed with her every night and I'm sure he has to at least try to have sex with her to make a good appearance. He tells me there is nothing there and that his wife NEVER wants sex and so he doesn't even try anymore. He has me for that now, so he says he doesn't need that rejection at home. He tells me he will be gone as soon as the youngest son is gone....8 years or so. How do you get the idea out of your head that they are together in ways that you cannot have him? How do you keep from the jealous feelings of him sleeping with his wife....just curious.

[Lyubimaya]

Believe it or not, I tell him to have sex with her - so she doesn't become suspicious. I know that probably bewilders you, but it doesn't bother me one bit. Again, I'm a strange bird, what can I say!

[scarletletter]

not strange, just very, very strong. I don't know if I could ever actually tell him to do that. I guess I have a long, hard road ahead of me if I don't become more like you.

[Lyubimaya]

Again, I accepted that from the start. I guess it boils down to that I have a lot of confidence in myself, and I know that he is absolutely captivated by me. With me, it's all passion - he makes love to me. At home he's simply just performing a husbandly duty.

 

I don't dwell on the thought "when he's at home with her". He has 2 homes - the house is where he lives with her, but we have our own condo together that is "our home" every once in a while.

 

I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat for this, but I'm just saying how it is. . .

[LucreziaBorgia]

You sound like a HOW (happy other woman) who knows her place, and doesn't mind it. It also sounds like you have a solid life outside of MM that can help MM be a supplement to your life and not the axis around which your life revolves.

[Lyubimaya]

Yes, that is most likely the key to this - My life revolves around me - not him. I may be generalizing here, but I believe a majority of OW become mentally dependant on the MM - and get too consumed to the point of a breakdown. It took a long time to condition myself to accept this for what it is. Most OW do dream of having the MM all to themselves, and that can be destructive thinking. If you're an OW, accept it for what it is, and at any point should the relationship evolve, then you'll cross that bridge when you get to it. You just can't count on getting to that bridge in the first place though. . . That's where most OW go wrong and end up in a here all upset.

[newbby]

i completely understand how you can be happy with this. it is exactly what i wanted from my xmm, but his feelings for me were not love and i could not be happy with that.

[Lyubimaya]

Yes, that must have been difficult. It never feels good to not be loved back, regardless of one's marital status. I think I'm one of the few fortunate OW, cause the success rate of happiness with a OW-MM relationship is marginal at best.

[Neptune]

This all sounds like some sort of polygamy. But in this polygamy the legal wife doesn`t know there is another and the legal husband has no legal obligations to the other wife. Pretty good deal for the man I must say. Now why didn`t I think to do that?

[Neptune]

Actually this is polygamy with blinders but no binders.

[Lyubimaya]

LOL. Good one! We've actually joked about that - but the problem is that the subsequent wives always get all the chores dumped on them from the 1st wife. . . . And I refuse to cook and clean for the BOTH of them!

[scarletletter]

I guess it all comes down to what you said earlier...would rather have him part time than not at all. I agree with that. Reading this has made me feel a little better about my situation and hopefully I won't end up being the OW who is obsessed with the MM....I'm picturing a fatal attraction scene..lol. I am going to try to be stronger. I really do appear that way when I am with him. I want to seem like I am playing it cool and just in it for fun and whatever else. He and I both know better but we avoid any deep conversation about that right now. I guess I really am happy with things like they are. He says I give him a boost, make him feel like he can go on, make him feel so much better about himself...so if I do that, and he is okay with cheating on his wife...why should I be suffering?

[Lyubimaya]

It's all about you, baby! Don't you dare suffer one bit. Enjoy things how they are and spend every moment with him to the fullest. The hardest thing is getting used being by yourself a lot - and not having him around for holidays and crap like that, but again, you have to mentally condition yourself for it. I don't know your whole situation, but for me it works out beautifully - as I am a single parent who really needs to spend more time with my little boy than with another man. Remember it really is all about you and knowing you come first, not him. I love him, but ultimately nobody is looking out for me, but me. . .

[goingforgold]

I think its wonderful that you're so open minded about your relationship with MM.

 

I am currently thinking of starting a relationship, only something casual with MM, any ideas? lol

 

Do u give me the go ahead?

[Lyubimaya]

I know I'm going to get lynched any minute by some of these members who slam the OW, but here goes: I believe it can be a great thing. But I have no idea who you are or your situation. From most of the posts I've seen, the OW are all upset and depressed about their situations, as they've spun way out of control. If you and your MM are open, honest, set the expectations from the start, and you don't deviate from it, it can be great. I am the happiest I've ever been (and it's been a couple years now).

 

There are too many variable for me to give you my vote of confidence in your situation. If you would like to discuss it further, you can send me a personal message and we'll talk more about it. I don't have many people I can talk with about my situation, so I was happy to stumble across this forum and find people who can somewhat relate. You know, I am female after all, and it's in our nature to chat about stuff like this!

[scarletletter]

My personal opinion is that I would never advise anyone to start a relationship with a married man. However, I did it...and I am enjoying myself for what it is. Sometimes I think too much and then it becomes a problem. I have learned after reading this post that thinking too much can be a HUGE problem. Obviously I wasn't thinking too much when I got started in this relationship because I have always thought that marriage is sacred and anyone who messes around with a MM or MW was complete trash. Now I am the "trash" that I always judged everyone else by. Oh well, if you have the guts to do it, let me tell you that it is no day at the park all of the time. I take it for what it is, which is exactly what I knew it would be from the start. I am working so hard on the guilt thing and the betrayal thing. I just know that I am a good person who is caught up in a bad situation. I brought it all on myself and I am not blaming anyone else. It gets really hard at times, especially with the holidays coming up...but I will be okay and enjoy the time that we have together and try not to dwell on the time that we don't have together.

[Lyubimaya]

I was the SAME way! I NEVER thought I'd be with a married man - never would've conceived of it. But we just got to know one another so well, and we clicked, and I couldn't reverse it. I, unlike you, have no guilt though. Or, are you saying the guilt thing is because you're married too, right? Yeah, I couldn't relate to that - as I've always been faithful. . . Kinda weird, huh? That I'm a "faithful mistress".......

[scarletletter]

Yes, I am married but the guilt is not due to my husband because I can barely stand the sight of him...lol. The guilt comes from hurting someone that I don't even know...(his wife). But I am getting past that. I just feel like if everything was so great with her, why was he looking for me?

[Lyubimaya]

See, I may seem heartless here, but I again feel no guilt. That's just me.

 

Yeah, and I don't know your situation enough either. You already know it's more than just sex - so you are providing him with something emotionally that he is lacking from his marriage. You should ask him, if you are close enough with him to discuss it.

[newbby]

you probably dont feel guilty at the moment because the situation is causing her no pain at the moment. if she were to find out though and was in pain, it would be hard not to feel guilty.

[Lyubimaya]

No, if she were to find out, she'd be one happy chic - get half his money, real estate, and a fat alimony check and then she'd be free to date again. But seriously, I don't care what she would feel. I know, I know that sounds evil, but she's not a very nice person anyway. If she were a june cleaver, then yeah, I may feel a twinge of guilt. But she certainly is not. . .

[newbby]

youve met her then?

[Lyubimaya]

Once. She came into my office (the MM wasn't there) to see someone else, and they introduced us. But I know plenty about her. She was fine with me, but she's a real piece of work from what I understand.

[scarletletter]

My MM says if I were to meet his wife, I would really like her....if I were to meet her on the street and didn't know who she was. He says everyone likes her...and she is a good person, always doing for others, blah blah blah...but she just doesn't do for him. She treats him as if he doesn't exist. He thinks the only reason she married him was to have kids and be a mom...now that is done and she doens't care about him...but I sure do..and would do anything for him. Maybe i should introduce his wife to my husband...now there's an idea.