Random questions on affairs

[OneCertaintyIsDeath]

Overall, people that get into these types of relationships are selfish people (both the married person and the other person). It seems that the married person is too lazy to put forth the effort into their current situation to improve it and the other person usually lacks self-confidence which is how they end up in these types of relationships. What the op usually doesn't realize is the pain that will surely follow and the mp usually falls right back into their marriage and doesn't even think of the op; so it would be wise if people would realize all of this ahead of time and not do it but as everyone knows this rarely happens.

 

Another interesting thing is that is seems more often than not the op is usually much LESS attractive the the mp's spouse; maybe not all of the time but you have to admit most of the time this is true. Kinda makes you think that is why the mp finds it convenient. Hide them away and know one has to know that, and of course for the op this might be an upgrade from other relationships which is what makes it that much more to hold on to and be willing to put up with so much stupidity that they would never put up with in a "normal" relationship.

[Sami_D]

A man is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how it makes anyone else feel. I have heard of men that have 4 children at home all under the age of 12 and still left the wife to be with the other woman. On the other hand, there have been men that made the excuse of the children as the reason why they cannot leave the wife.

 

Bottomline is this....When a man wants a woman, there is nothing that will stop him from being with her. But if he does not want her, there is nothing she can do or say to make him stay.

 

I would rather go through the trials and tribulations with a single man. Married men are a waste of time.

 

If men are going to do whatever they like regardless of anyone else... what difference does it make whether they're married or single..?

 

Aren't they all not worth bothering with, by your estimation..?

[Sami_D]

My MM is in an unhappy marriage, but our affair has actually improved their marriage. In fact, he is happier now than he has ever been. His wife will not take care of certain sexual needs. I will. The same goes for my marriage. He does things to me that my husband won't. It makes life easier - kind of like an insurance policy.

 

So would you say that you're a HOW (Happy Other Woman)? Only we hear so much about how they're rare creatures.

 

Do you think this situation will continue for long with you and your OM? Do you intend to continue with your M, and he with his, for the forseeable future? Is it all contingency? Would you prefer to have a main relationship which satisfied all your needs?

 

Just curiosity.

[Sami_D]

I left my wife for OW. Biggest mistake ever. OW didn't want hardly anything to do with me after I was available to her. I regret ever meeting her, my wife tried to hard and I was just stuborn. Its the price I pay, but I will resent and regret meeting OW every day for the rest of my life.

 

So you blame your exOW for the mistakes you made..?

 

This is a great example of the reasons that the M person needs to separate out what's going wrong with their M, from what other (potential) relationships they may have.

 

I'm sorry things went so wrong for you. Hope you're doing better now.

[newbby]

I left my wife for OW. Biggest mistake ever. OW didn't want hardly anything to do with me after I was available to her. I regret ever meeting her, my wife tried to hard and I was just stuborn. Its the price I pay, but I will resent and regret meeting OW every day for the rest of my life.

 

so you resent the ow now. do you feel it was partly her fault that you chose to be with her?

just interested.

[Sami_D]

But there are loads of reasons for divorce, an affair being only one of them. I don't know how large a percentage of that 40 percent are b/c of affairs, but from looking at divorces lately, I doubt affairs are a big portion. Besides in years of yore, marriages had sustained affairs. I think it just depends on the two people involved and these days people give up too easily. Our culture makes it OK to call it quits if all of a sudden your partner start farting loudly and you don't like that.

 

Leid

 

Good points relating to the relationship of affairs to divorces. We hear of so many people having affairs, and they really don't often cause the end of the marriage (anecdotally, at least).

 

I wonder what the main causes of divorce actually are. I am guessing that it's female frustration with the treatment they're getting from the H. Anyone have any information to support or refute this?

[whichwayisup]

That's what the spare bed is for: particularly gassy eveings. I usually hit the futon in the den.

 

Oh, we do have a spare room...I've let bombs go in bed and by the time I let the third one out, he's outta our bedroom like a flash of lightening! That's when I wait till he is asleep and then go cuddle up next to him in the spare room...hehehe...I'm so evil and proud of it! (Hey, I do it for reaction and boy! He gives me reaction!)

[ahotmess]

I just read The Seduction of a Married Man that a poster talked about. That is such a great article and so true!

 

 

Where is this poster?

[pinkrosette]

Gosh, I don't remember the post anymore that it was in. Might try doing a search for that title online.

[RecordProducer]

1. How does that explain all the divorces then?

2. Also, if you're a woman past your 30's, wouldn't that mean that just about everyone is already taken?

1. Not everyone divorces because of an affair even if they had an affair. My husband divorced his ex because he didn't want to live with her and he didn't have an affair at all. Same happened to my previous marriage - no third parties. My ex left me 5 years ago and STILL hasn't had a relationship since.

2. That's totally not true. There are many people who are divorced or not yet married at any age. It's true that your choice is narrower as time goes by, but you don't need all men, you only need one - the right one!

 

The point is: cheating is not a healthy way of discovering/determining that your marriage is unhappy or that you need to divorce. I would have little respect for a man who has no courage to divorce his wife unless he meets another woman. I would never trust him to be faithful to me afterwards.

 

If you accept married men as available on the dating scene then be prepared to share your man with another woman when something goes wrong in your marriage. If you approve infidelity in general, then approve it when YOU are married too!

[sparticuss]

People divorce for many, many reasons - one wants kids and the other doesn't, money arguments, addictions, getting married too soon, etc etc etc.

 

Not even close to everybody is 'already taken'. In fact the number of singles of all ages is getting bigger every year. If those are your rationales for going after married men, better get yourself informed because you are way off base.

That she is but shes doing one thing right. She is facing that fact and she is "getting herself informed"

[sparticuss]

.

I don't know whether it's worse for the MM or the OW when an affair ends. Men are generally more able to cope with the end of a love affair than a woman. question).

Sami

I don't know about an affair but I DO know that men take the end of any other relationship far far harder that the women do.

The idea that they just flit on to the next woman is one of the biggest of the old spinsters myths.

[sparticuss]

[i

 

Men are like children. If you tell a child not to touch something, they will try again. But if slap their little hands, they wont. The same goes for men. with.

 

Nextel.

 

Stop a minite.

 

Do you even realise how insulting this generalisation is to all the bilionares who run massive coporations. To all the fire , rescue, and other emergency workers that you turn to to save your life.

Even to the man that you turn to when your car stops at the road side.

 

believe me men are not like children. Thats another old spinsters myth.

[sparticuss]

Whew. You have a few manhating issues there. Try to resolve those and you'll be a lot better off.

I had a string of very, very bad, cheating, malicious girlfriends years ago . But I knew that my little sampling of relationships didn't represent all women. I chose those women and I felt like I probably had something to do with the disasters that resulted.

.

You sure did.

You were silly enough to pick a few duds when there arre still good womenout there.

And you were smart enough not to list your little sampling as representative of all women.

 

Now I'm generalising but I wonder what the reaction would be like if I called a seperated woman "silly for picking a dud when there are so many good men available"

[sparticuss]

Ok rossette. a few bits and pieces that I do know.

 

1/ Most of the books that you will read on relationships are not writtten by professional marriage guidance counselers.

They are written by old spinsters, with no knowledge whatsoever of men, or by women with a string of relationship disasters under their belts.

 

You have a better knowledge than most of the authours of the books that you read.

 

2/ Marriage break up and affairs normally have nothing to do with one another. A marriage break up is cause by internal forces withing the marriage and will occur with or without an affair.

 

3/ More women have afairs than men

 

4/ Men take divorce far harder than women.

[Sami_D]

sparticuss... how do you 'know' these things..?

 

And who are these 'old spinsters' you speak of..? lol... I didn't realise anyone still used the word! (But I'm guessing at 42 and 'still' not married I am at risk of being defined as such... (or would be, if this were 200 years ago))

[PurpleFlowers]

I think in many cases - and this was the case I was involved in - when the man has the affair to get out of the marriage - so in these cases they do leave the wife. When my MM met me he had been ready and wanting to leave his wife for years. He was just to scared to do it with honor. So he bagan to actively searched for a new partner. He met me - we hit it off great - and he left his wife.

 

I was his perfect excuse. His wife and family and friends threw all their anger at me - instead of him.

Instead of talking about the real issues that drove them apart - they just talked about me and how I ruined the marriage.

I was a new fun partner to make him feel loved and special and help him decorate his new house while he separated all his stuff from hers.

 

Now here we are... he is divorced from his wife and "mine" - but the issues we have are HUGE.

 

I dont trust him at all. I am angry at him for not protecting me from his wife and families rage.

 

He continues to go out drinking and to happy hour at this bar in town where his wife and all their old friends hang out. He knows I cant go in there - becuase the bartender and everyone in there just hates me for breaking up his marriage. SO I get so hurt and angry when he goes without me.

 

We have been through so much of a mess toghther - at his point I want to work it out the best I can and see what happens.... but if I could go back to the day I met him I would run so fast in the other direction.

 

Every day is a challenge and there has just been so much heartache and pain and dissapointment.

 

He was looking for me though - for someone that he clicked with and connected with and was attractvie and could help him leave his wife - becuase he just did not want to be with her anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[whichwayisup]

3/ More women have afairs than men

 

Maybe women have more "affairs" whether it be emotional or physical, but men have more one night stands. Seems on LS though, more women post about their affairs than men. Remember, all the women posting have MEN are are IN the affair too! (Most men aren't going to post and share their feelings/thoughts.)

[Sami_D]

Now here we are... he is divorced from his wife and "mine" - but the issues we have are HUGE.

 

I dont trust him at all. I am angry at him for not protecting me from his wife and families rage.

 

He continues to go out drinking and to happy hour at this bar in town where his wife and all their old friends hang out. He knows I cant go in there - becuase the bartender and everyone in there just hates me for breaking up his marriage. SO I get so hurt and angry when he goes without me.

 

So what's going to happen with you and him, PurpleFlowers..? Are you going to continue to see him?

[PurpleFlowers]

I will continue to see him becuase for the most part things are great. We have great chemistry and get along so well. Other than cheating on his wife he has prven to be a very responsible and deciet man.

 

I think he was just so desparate to get out of his marriage and becuase he had been married for over 20 years and truely "cared" for his wife he couldnt face breaking her heart the way he did... so he just handled it terribly!!!!

 

I dont approve or admire of what he did - but I do understand it as human nature and very typical of a man who cant face reality!!!

 

But I will continue to see him and try to work this out... the anger and jealousy and mistrust.

 

Last night I went over to his place and told him how much it hurts me when he hangs out at the bar where his wife hangs out and I dont feel welcome. I told him to either take me there with him and defend me infront of them all - or stop going there himself.

 

He said he will stop going there... but I somehow dont believe it!!!

[Sami_D]

Well I'm glad it's working out between you and him for the most part! The Divorce part is often extremely messy and difficult, from what I've read. You sound very understanding about his character. I sometimes think that people who don't want to hurt other people often end up hurting more people!! I really hope you can work something out with this bar thing... it's good that you've told him how you feel about it... and you never know, he might take that on board.

[PurpleFlowers]

Thanks! for the nice message.

 

I feel lucky that even though I got myself into a mess it is not as messy as others I have heard about.

 

For one thing - they were married for twenty years but never had children. So I didnt participate in ripping up a whole family.

 

Also, after a year of being apart she has started to acknwoledge that they really were not so good for one another anymore - they had grown apart over the last ten years or so - so she is starting to agree that he did a good thing.

 

I think I am understanding of his character - becuase I know people do really stupid things when they are desperate! Also, I was on the recieving end years ago when my fiance left me "for another woman" - and after many years of reflection and heart ache mending I came to realize that actually he just was wise enough to know that we were not right for each other - but he was scared to tell me - so in his despartion to get out he just latched onto another woman to make her the reason!