Help me learn how?

[shadyblueeyedgirl]

Recently it seems like every time I express my feelings to my partner, she flips my concerns into a way to argue. For example, she changed jobs, was dealing with leaving a company she loves, and switching to a new place that was closer to home. The transition was hard on her, and in the end she decided to go back to her old job because management was not concerned about her licenture being put on the line before she had proper training etc etc. Anyway, I gave her grace, ignored her snippy remarks toward me and toward our kids, ignored behavior that wasn't her usual self because I knew she was beyond stressed and anxious. I could have not let all of that go, but I chose to because in the end we are all human and our anxieties can sometimes make us act out in ways we don't mean to. We had a unusually busy weekend and on Sunday I felt like I could let her know that while I understood she was stressed that I was feeling a bit disconnected with her because she had been focused on work and making up her income from stepping down from her previous position and we really didn't get quality time to just talk and reconnect. My love language is quality time and while we did spend time together it was focused on household chores and sort of dividing and conquering. My cup was a bit empty. I told her all of this and it was more or less met with her trying to defend herself and not really hearing me and my needs. This frustrated me because I felt that this was dismissive of her. This made her upset because she didn't feel I was being fair and she had too much on her plate. We left it at that and the enxt day seemed fine up until about 3PM. I had to stay late at work and had planned on making dinner when I came home--albeit late-- but I received a message from her that she was going to eat with her daughter and for me to pick something up on my own (I have two smaller kids at home that my mom was taking care of--my partner was also home). I was taken aback because we had all of the ingredients to make dinner for everyone. So, she didn't take over for my mom to take care of my kids and instead went out and got a meal with her daughter and herself. When I responded to her I asked her if she was serious and if I had upset her in any way. Her response was was something to the effect of "Well I guess I will let my blood pressure drop. I can't believe you. I have never done this before so you know it must be serious!" I didn't respond and told her that I was in my meeting and this infuriated her. She went on about how she is not cooking with my mom there and that I'm taking too long and she hasn't eaten anything all day and how "sorry it doesn't fit into your plans" and how she is "a Fup like she always is". So she ended up getting food and making my mom stay until 5 when I came home. 

She waited a bit and texted that if I wanted her to leave and go to work early that she would because clearly I didn't want her to be there based off of my replies ( the two I sent). When I got home she decided to take a nap and tell me to not bother her. She said she would wake up at 8:15 to read to my oldest daughter. So, we go up and I'm expecting her to be in the room to read to my daughter and she is still in our bedroom. I put the kids to bed thinking she was too upset to follow through. She could have come say goodnight if she was up...Of course this was a huge fight too. I simple said, you could have come in to say goodnight ( Okay, I admit, this was not the move). 

She ended up leaving early for work and then texted me this long paragraph about how she needs us to take a week because obviously I need too much attention and if I want to talk to other people that's fine and maybe I will find someone else or figure out if I want to be with her because she has done "everything" to be a good partner and she can't give more of herself to this relationship.

 

A few hours later I get this long email ( which I didn't read until the morning) about all these assumptions she has about me: how I don't treat her kids equally, how because I wanted to set expectations for her 17, 18 and 4 friends coming over in a month ( no drinking or drugs and to respect noise levels after 11 PM) was me not wanting them to come over, how I am too needy and need constant attention and making new friends so I could leave her for them, how that makes her feel like she is not enough ( I'm a teacher and I talk to kids all day and when she works opposite hours than I do I like talking to friends and if I meet someone interesting I talk them-- is that a bad thing?), and ultimately that me blowing up over some food means that I am over her and this relationship. 

Am I wrong to think that this is an over-reaction and there's more to it than the things she mentioned in the email? I have tried to reach out and talk but she is still "too angry" to talk to me and snaps back at me when I ask her to call the kids to say goodnight because, "Well, it wasn't a priority last night, so how is it now?" She refuses to see that she is being dramatic and unreasonable and I almost feel like this was just a reason for her to "take a break" so she could explore something else with someone, but for it to be my doing? Like, it just happened when we were on break because you didn't treat me right.

 

Please be brutally honest and tell me what you think because I am baffled.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together? Are they both your children or children from previous relationships? 

Does your mother live with you? Why is her cooking or eating involved in this?

Unfortunately she seems overwhelmed and shut down. The solution is to step back a bit and trying to be a bit less confrontational about your needs.

[shadyblueeyedgirl]

We have been together three years. We have 4 children, two younger children are mine and two older ones are hers. They are kids from previous relationships.

My mother comes over to take care of my little ones when they are in my care because I work full-time. I'm not sure what you mean by, "Why is her cooking or eating involved in this?" 

 

Can you please help me understand how I was confrontational about my needs and how I would be less confrontational about it?

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, shadyblueeyedgirl said:

We left it at that and the enxt day seemed fine up until about 3PM. I had to stay late at work and had planned on making dinner when I came home--albeit late-- but I received a message from her that she was going to eat with her daughter and for me to pick something up on my own (I have two smaller kids at home that my mom was taking care of--my partner was also home). I was taken aback because we had all of the ingredients to make dinner for everyone. So, she didn't take over for my mom to take care of my kids and instead went out and got a meal with her daughter and herself. When I responded to her I asked her if she was serious and if I had upset her in any way. Her response was was something to the effect of "Well I guess I will let my blood pressure drop. I can't believe you. I have never done this before so you know it must be serious!"

Do you normally pick up the slack for each other in situations where kids are involved? If yes, then her taking her daughter out to eat was an act of passive-aggression. It sounds like because you brought up feeling a bit neglected and like she's not considering you, she's responded by actually being neglectful and inconsiderate to stick it up you. Maybe her way of reacting to feeling unappreciated. Or, maybe she does want out of the relationship. You say she's been snippy, and snippiness can often be a sign that someone's unhappy in their situation, plus complaining about you talking to people a lot is another sign that you might be getting on her nerves. Maybe it's time for an honest conversation after your weeks break.  

[basil67]

When it comes to spending time together, I find it less confrontational to talk about the needs of both of you as a couple.  Something like "we're both crazy busy at the moment and I miss you. Could we look at changes which we can make to keep us solid?"

But if you want to focus on your needs, make sure you start with "I feel x when y happens."   Don't ever start out with "When you do X"  Or "You always..." because it automatically puts the other on the defense.