basil67 Posted February 24 Share Posted February 24 9 hours ago, Alpacalia said: If you've unintentionally rejected people, perhaps there are underlying issues that you should work out, rather than leaning on not drinking as an excuse. You're essentially asking a question asinine as those guys who blame their lack of success on their height. There's always something else to blame other than your own self. I can't help but wonder if this is related to you being uncomfortable with sex. Perhaps it's more about avoidance than alcohol? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 30 minutes ago, basil67 said: I can't help but wonder if this is related to you being uncomfortable with sex. Perhaps it's more about avoidance than alcohol? Yup. You throw up a lot of road blocks ZA, road blocks that prevent you from getting to your intended destination. One has to wonder why… Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted February 25 Author Share Posted February 25 23 hours ago, Alpacalia said: If you've unintentionally rejected people, perhaps there are underlying issues that you should work out, rather than leaning on not drinking as an excuse. You're essentially asking a question asinine as those guys who blame their lack of success on their height. There's always something else to blame other than your own self. What I mean here is by using judgement to say "ok she has been drinking I have not, would she be wanting to sleep with me if she had had no alcohol", that's the question I ask myself. My answer to that has always been no so it's "thanks let's plan another date " which of course never happens which sort of suggests that actually she was not that attracted to me and alcohol impaired her judgement. It's like a scenario I found myself in, no outwardly flirtatious but touching, close contact, again alcohol involved, I thought ok let's build on this and meet up again, she wasn't interested at all. Again would I have been better off to go against my judgement? It's not about blame, it's about how to judge a situation, my judgement in all matters dating is very poor, I admit that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted February 25 Author Share Posted February 25 14 hours ago, basil67 said: I can't help but wonder if this is related to you being uncomfortable with sex. Perhaps it's more about avoidance than alcohol? Extremely complicated question to answer. Again a lot of it is poor judgement, I have probably never really felt I an attractive to anyone I find attractive and that extends to sexually. The problem is the very limited opportunities I have had to have sex alcohol has been involved every single time, so it's like " do you want me because wine or do you actually want me". Consider my flirting skills are non existent and poor judgement and this is why when alcohol is involved I go the extreme conservative option. My question again is do you just go for it, not think about it or take the "let's plan another date" because seriously the latter never works for me which sort of validates my decision, however poor it might be. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 6 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Extremely complicated question to answer. Again a lot of it is poor judgement, I have probably never really felt I an attractive to anyone I find attractive and that extends to sexually. The problem is the very limited opportunities I have had to have sex alcohol has been involved every single time, so it's like " do you want me because wine or do you actually want me". Consider my flirting skills are non existent and poor judgement and this is why when alcohol is involved I go the extreme conservative option. My question again is do you just go for it, not think about it or take the "let's plan another date" because seriously the latter never works for me which sort of validates my decision, however poor it might be. Did you actually want sex with them anyway? Because this sounds to me like you are doing this massive dance of blaming self esteem and alcohol to avoid admitting that you didn't want sex with them anyway. I say this because you weren't comfortable with sex even when you had a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 25 Share Posted February 25 (edited) 8 hours ago, ZA Dater said: What I mean here is by using judgement to say "ok she has been drinking I have not, would she be wanting to sleep with me if she had had no alcohol", that's the question I ask myself. My answer to that has always been no so it's "thanks let's plan another date " which of course never happens which sort of suggests that actually she was not that attracted to me and alcohol impaired her judgement. It's like a scenario I found myself in, no outwardly flirtatious but touching, close contact, again alcohol involved, I thought ok let's build on this and meet up again, she wasn't interested at all. Again would I have been better off to go against my judgement? It's not about blame, it's about how to judge a situation, my judgement in all matters dating is very poor, I admit that. I think you will do best if you abide by not drinking while on dates since drinking is not something you seem open to. Which is fine, I would totally respect that. But if you remain judgmental and defensive--well, that is not going to be positively received in the dating arena. At this point, I would recommend you not drink in the company of women you are interested in dating. Yes, it's disappointing and it's a limit you didn't always have--I get that. But it is what it is, and if you are really intending to be in the dating world, this is what will give you the best outcome at this point in your life. The woman of your dreams won't care--she'll be happy to drink water with you. The woman who isn't really there for you--well, that's another story. But you will never know about the good ones in that scenario. Edited February 25 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 7 hours ago, basil67 said: Did you actually want sex with them anyway? Because this sounds to me like you are doing this massive dance of blaming self esteem and alcohol to avoid admitting that you didn't want sex with them anyway. I say this because you weren't comfortable with sex even when you had a girlfriend. One was simply too tipsy, I certainly wanted another date with her, instead I got ghosted, ironically enough she ended up dating a friend of a friend years later (he being 20 years older than her). The other well, I'll never know what could have happened because again I thought, well lets get to know you first and since then there has been zero interest on her part at all. Again it would seem both instances were poor judgment on my part. With my ex, there was a lot of intellectual attraction but not a lot of physical attraction unfortunately and it was this which actually lead to the entire thing collapsing (she has found a really nice guy she has moved in with and is super happy, I am happy for her). I just think alcohol does impair judgement to lesser or greater degrees and I guess I just think too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 6 hours ago, Alpacalia said: I think you will do best if you abide by not drinking while on dates since drinking is not something you seem open to. Which is fine, I would totally respect that. But if you remain judgmental and defensive--well, that is not going to be positively received in the dating arena. At this point, I would recommend you not drink in the company of women you are interested in dating. Yes, it's disappointing and it's a limit you didn't always have--I get that. But it is what it is, and if you are really intending to be in the dating world, this is what will give you the best outcome at this point in your life. The woman of your dreams won't care--she'll be happy to drink water with you. The woman who isn't really there for you--well, that's another story. But you will never know about the good ones in that scenario. I do not drink at all but the point is I am wondering if in some instances my dates would be better if I did, if for no other reason than fitting in. A classic case in point was this last social interaction where she did encourage me to drink and then seemed disappointed I did not drink more, my one sip perhaps not being sufficient. I was left wondering what if..... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 On 2/23/2024 at 8:06 AM, ZA Dater said: Ok in this scenario, I am not drinking, she had three glasses of wine. She starts getting touchy feely. Do I 1: Say no and lets schedule another date 2: Go with it and see what happens assuming I really find her attractive. Another thing I do not like about alcohol is the person does not need to be falling down drunk for their judgement to be impaired so while I battle to read people at the best of times its especially difficult when alcohol is involved. One date I found my arm being touched and my shoulder rubbed, immediately because alcohol was involved my guard went up and I ended the date. In retrospect was I wrong? YOU should end the date because the behavior concerns you. What you did was right for you. Perhaps date non-drinkers? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 11 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I do not drink at all but the point is I am wondering if in some instances my dates would be better if I did, if for no other reason than fitting in. A classic case in point was this last social interaction where she did encourage me to drink and then seemed disappointed I did not drink more, my one sip perhaps not being sufficient. I was left wondering what if..... What if what? What if you felt you deserved and were entitled to have preferences just like anyone else and you didn't feel the need to change to please someone else? If they prefer someone who drinks, they aren't the woman for you. That's totally okay. You get to have the same preferences they get to have. If they don't want to date a perfectionist, you don't want to date someone who drinks. I know these are preferences that block you from a lot of people. However, that's not a bad thing completely. Maybe that means less interactions but a fewer higher quality ones? That's not so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 If they're obviously completely drunk and they initiate sex with you, then the ethical thing to do is definitely to send them right home. A person who's too drunk to speak in coherent sentences is too drunk to consent to anything. Also, this is probably a personal thing, but I find drunkards to be an utter and complete turn-off, lol. However, if they've only had 1-2 drinks and they appear sober, it's probably fine if you want it too. As for yourself, 1 drink or no drink, do whatever you like. Just don't drink to excess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: What if what? What if you felt you deserved and were entitled to have preferences just like anyone else and you didn't feel the need to change to please someone else? If they prefer someone who drinks, they aren't the woman for you. That's totally okay. You get to have the same preferences they get to have. If they don't want to date a perfectionist, you don't want to date someone who drinks. I know these are preferences that block you from a lot of people. However, that's not a bad thing completely. Maybe that means less interactions but a fewer higher quality ones? That's not so bad. I haven't really had a proper date in months. Honestly it's ok if they drink no issues at all with that, socially Nou drinking is a problem here but it is what it is. For me it's just how to judge I have had alcohol so my judgement may be impaired to I actually find you attractive even without drinking. That's the inherent problem and reading the view's here has been helpful because it's allowed me to try make sense of twenty years of albeit few interactions. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 You most likely have to take the date to a more comfortable environment for you, such as walking by the sea, hiking or something where you are away from people and surrounded by nature, being in a bar when you are not drinking and where people in your vicinity are being boisterous and loud- that is going to make you feel self conscious and will impact on your enjoyment , the lady will pick up on that very quick and will also feel uncomfortable, the lady getting drunk and you wondering whether to continue or end it- all this suggests everything is very forced , it has to be more relaxed encounter, dancing is probably the best method of escalating something from talking- essentially friendship- to a more physical or a romantic encounter- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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