Drinking on 1st dates

[ZA Dater]

Please forgive me as I do not drink as a rule but I am wondering if this does negatively impact my dates to a certain degree. Most of the reason I do not drink is alcohol can impair decision making and poor decisions can be made but on the flip side not drinking can also lead to poor decision making.

Do you drink on 1st dates and if so do you walk the line of very moderate, i.e. sips or whole glasses assuming wine is involved? I am wondering if hypothetically I went on a date with someone I did find attractive(I can wish) if having a glass of wine might make the date better or would it make it worse? Assume to I was very comfortable around this person.

Where do you draw the line in terms of physical, do you draw the line at a hug and a kiss, what if she leads and wants more? Do you go with it or back away, say good night and plan a second date? I'll admit this question has been bothering me for years and I have never been able to think of a definitive answer assuming I ever got into that situation. Morally I would be inclined to not go further, say good night and plan another date but what if that is interpreted as rejection? Again I have very little experience and maybe I am overthinking this.

[basil67]

Good questions..and a disclaimer: I'm Aussie and we drink like the Brits do.   

If it was a date in a cafe, I'd order tea or an OJ and also have water on the table.   If the date was at a bar, I'd order one glass of wine.  If the initial meetup went really, really well and neither of us wanted to leave, we'd likely extend to dinner, and chances are there would be a bottle of wine to share between us.  I find that having to right amount of wine (enough to loosen up a bit, but not be sloppy) helps conversation flow more easily. 

With sex (and dating!), I've always ignored rules and done what feels right at the time.  The day I met my husband, we drank his home brew, I stayed the night and we're still together over thirty years later.   I jokingly refer to us as the world's longest one night stand - and I know a few other couples who started out this way.

If the couple are vibing well he wants more and she wants more, why not?   I can't respond to how I'd feel if the connection was great and I wanted sex but he wasn't ready because it's never happened to me. Though I suspect I'd be torn between the thrill of the chase and questioning whether or not our morals and ethics are aligned.  

What are the moral objections you hold?  Are they about your virtue or hers?

Edited February 22 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

I have had 1-2 drinks on a date but I also have had none. 1-2 drinks are not going to impair a decision however, it would be different subject matter if I was drinking excessive, which would then impair my decision making.

I went on a date with someone once, he like you did not drink, I ordered two sangrias and he sat there and had a glass of water. We had a great time, chatted and laughed together.

Whether he had a drink, or not it would not have impacted the date one bit.

When it got down to the physical topic, it didn't reach that far. 

You need to remember a date is a date to establish likeness, compatibility, conversation and get a clear perspective on whom you're sharing time with.

[Foxhall]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Please forgive me as I do not drink as a rule but I am wondering if this does negatively impact my dates to a certain degree.

Reluctant to encourage given the obvious stereotype,

however I think it would be beneficial for you to have a drink or two ,

Im far from a expert but in my experience a guy being too nervous or tense is why he does not get the most enjoyment out of a date, or does'nt get a second date. 

I think it would help loosen your inhibitions and let your personality out. even if you dont find the date attractive -practicing at flirting and so on will be a positive thing.

the physical thing- I prefer to let the woman lead on that- Im not really looking for that on a first date- (but if its love at first sight you never know!)

 

Edited February 22 by Foxhall

[Wiseman2]

Depends on your area and generation. There's a huge teetotaling thread now. Google it. So non-drinkers are actually "cooler" than drinkers  these days. 

[d0nnivain]

if you are not a drinker, don't drink.  Don't change yourself to fit somebody else or for "liquid courage."   I love a good glass of wine but I also like my drivers' license so when I was dating I didn't drink because I liked to have my car available just in case.  

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Please forgive me as I do not drink as a rule

Could this be a result of previous alcohol misuse? I'm curious since the gentleman I went out with also had a history of alcohol abuse, and he mentioned that he no longer drinks. I didn't want to pry too much, so I didn't ask about it unless he brought it up himself. However, he didn't mention it until after our date.

Edited February 23 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

 If you do not drink as a rule,  for whatever reason, then don't. It's better to just be yourself rather than "loosening up" or looking for "liquid courage". I can understand college kids feeling peer pressure, but not adults. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Could this be a result of previous alcohol misuse? I'm curious since the gentleman I went out with also had a history of alcohol abuse, and he mentioned that he no longer drinks. I didn't want to pry too much, so I didn't ask about it unless he brought it up himself. However, he didn't mention it until after our date.

Not really unfortunately I have been in situations where I have seen how alcohol can severely impact judgement of others and the traumatic events which can follow due to alcohol.

This question largely occurred because I have been in date's where I'd say things were fairly good but she drank and fairly obvious more than flirty signals were sent. I never followed on them because while not drinking excessively I could see the change in personality. Just wondering if I had to encounter this again what my judgement call should be, "I'll get you an Uber" or "let's go somewhere else". 

The latter seems to me like taking advantage.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not really unfortunately I have been in situations where I have seen how alcohol can severely impact judgement of others and the traumatic events which can follow due to alcohol.

This question largely occurred because I have been in date's where I'd say things were fairly good but she drank and fairly obvious more than flirty signals were sent. I never followed on them because while not drinking excessively I could see the change in personality. Just wondering if I had to encounter this again what my judgement call should be, "I'll get you an Uber" or "let's go somewhere else". 

The latter seems to me like taking advantage.

The quantity of alcohol consumed plays a large part in all of the equations.   

For the first paragraph, the caveat is we're likely talking about high level misuse of alcohol.   But if someone has a low  or low-moderate amount, their judgement will be fine.  Depending on the situation, perhaps they shouldn't be driving, but all in all, they should be able to function relatively normally. 

For the second paragraph, part of modern definition of consent involves using your discretion as to whether or not they have the capacity to make good decision.  A woman who's slurring and wobbly clearly isn't in the state to make the right decision for herself, and yes, it would be taking advantage.  But if she's just a bit happy and quite able to function, then sex would be fine if she's keen.  

[ZA Dater]

59 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The quantity of alcohol consumed plays a large part in all of the equations.   

For the first paragraph, the caveat is we're likely talking about high level misuse of alcohol.   But if someone has a low  or low-moderate amount, their judgement will be fine.  Depending on the situation, perhaps they shouldn't be driving, but all in all, they should be able to function relatively normally. 

For the second paragraph, part of modern definition of consent involves using your discretion as to whether or not they have the capacity to make good decision.  A woman who's slurring and wobbly clearly isn't in the state to make the right decision for herself, and yes, it would be taking advantage.  But if she's just a bit happy and quite able to function, then sex would be fine if she's keen.  

Thanks for this. South African's and Aussies love to taunt each other but maybe its because shock horror we are actually quite alike! South African's like to drink and many drink a lot so misuse is sadly quite common. I think for me the second paragraph is where things get murky because in the relatively few situations I have been in like that I preferred to go the route of caution which I think was actually in hindsight seen as rejection.

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not really unfortunately I have been in situations where I have seen how alcohol can severely impact judgement of others and the traumatic events which can follow due to alcohol.

This question largely occurred because I have been in date's where I'd say things were fairly good but she drank and fairly obvious more than flirty signals were sent. I never followed on them because while not drinking excessively I could see the change in personality. Just wondering if I had to encounter this again what my judgement call should be, "I'll get you an Uber" or "let's go somewhere else". 

The latter seems to me like taking advantage.

If you are comfortable not drinking, then stick to that and it will be just fine. I think it's good that you know your limits and don't want to make any impulsive or poor decisions because of alcohol.

If you feel like your date is getting too tipsy and their behavior or judgement is being impacted, politely offer to call them an Uber or see if they'd like to end the date early. It doesn't seem like you enjoy being around someone who drinks and I don't think there is any guarantee that the date would be better if you both drank alcohol. Stick to what you like and what makes you comfortable.

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 Just wondering if I had to encounter this again what my judgement call should be, "I'll get you an Uber" or "let's go somewhere else". 

The latter seems to me like taking advantage.

Neither.  If you feel like your date has had so much that she can't consent or her consent would be dubious, you are right not to take advantage.  However, unless she is obviously & visibly intoxicated -- i.e. falling down drunk -- don't offer her a car service.  Just because you think she had too much to drink, doesn't mean she feels the same way   I would be insulted if some date said this to me out of the blue.  In context it's a good thing to keep impaired drivers off the road but in a date situation she will hear you calling her a drunk.  No comment is the better option.   Then you need to weight how much of a negative her drinking is as you decide whether to have a 2nd date.  

[ZA Dater]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Neither.  If you feel like your date has had so much that she can't consent or her consent would be dubious, you are right not to take advantage.  However, unless she is obviously & visibly intoxicated -- i.e. falling down drunk -- don't offer her a car service.  Just because you think she had too much to drink, doesn't mean she feels the same way   I would be insulted if some date said this to me out of the blue.  In context it's a good thing to keep impaired drivers off the road but in a date situation she will hear you calling her a drunk.  No comment is the better option.   Then you need to weight how much of a negative her drinking is as you decide whether to have a 2nd date.  

Ok in this scenario, I am not drinking, she had three glasses of wine. She starts getting touchy feely. Do I

1: Say no and lets schedule another date

2: Go with it and see what happens assuming I really find her attractive.

Another thing I do not like about alcohol is the person does not need to be falling down drunk for their judgement to be impaired so while I battle to read people at the best of times its especially difficult when alcohol is involved. One date I found my arm being touched and my shoulder rubbed, immediately because alcohol was involved my guard went up and I ended the date. In retrospect was I wrong?

[smackie9]

I think it would be safe to say, when you see them ordering up a whole bottle of wine for themselves, or hear "I'll have another" more than once...that would be your cue to cut the date short. If I was dating again, that would be how I would gauge the drinking. I have heard of dates ordering up expensive wine, getting drunk then get tossed out and leaving the bill for the date to pay. You don't have to sit there and let them carry on with their drinking...you can leave at anytime, you are never obligated to stay. 

Edited February 23 by smackie9

[Weezy1973]

On 2/22/2024 at 3:39 AM, ZA Dater said:

Do you drink on 1st dates and if so do you walk the line of very moderate, i.e. sips or whole glasses assuming wine is involved?

Back when I was dating I would drink on evening dates (in fact most first dates were “meeting for a drink”). I’m a beer drinker and usually it would depend on the date. The max would be 3 beers for me over the course of a couple of hours. And not driving of course. 
 

What you could do is experiment a bit on your own. Have a few drinks at home just to see how it impacts your body and mind. Generally the poor judgment and decision making only happens when drunk but how many drinks that takes is different for everybody.

On 2/22/2024 at 3:39 AM, ZA Dater said:

Morally I would be inclined to not go further, say good night and plan another date but what if that is interpreted as rejection?

I’ve had sex with a woman once where we both had a few drinks, but have also declined a few women when they obviously had too many. It’s not rejection if you plan another date. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok in this scenario, I am not drinking, she had three glasses of wine. She starts getting touchy feely. Do I

1: Say no and lets schedule another date

2: Go with it and see what happens assuming I really find her attractive.

Another thing I do not like about alcohol is the person does not need to be falling down drunk for their judgement to be impaired so while I battle to read people at the best of times its especially difficult when alcohol is involved. One date I found my arm being touched and my shoulder rubbed, immediately because alcohol was involved my guard went up and I ended the date. In retrospect was I wrong?

You're over thinking this....and I'm wondering if there's a historical personal trauma which has you on such high alert regarding alcohol.  

To answer your question, I would say that for the average person who is not a stranger to alcohol, their judgement will not be impaired after three glasses of wine.  So if you both want sex, then go ahead. 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

One date I found my arm being touched and my shoulder rubbed

that this may disturb you is a point worth exploring- well fair enough if your not feeling the attraction- but there may be a fear of intimacy or something which is holding you back,

I think I mentioned before something which would benefit you and I am not talking alcohol,

Massage- 

If your lucky enough to meet a nice therapist is the additional bonus, but just being rubbed and touched getting used to the feelings of intimacy,

it certainly helped improve my relationship success since I first visited a massage therapist- they will also teach you relaxation techniques which I have no doubt will be beneficial,

another thing is the idea of holding stresses in the body which can all make a person come across as overly intense and so on- 

this therapy is well worth a try.

Edited February 23 by Foxhall

[Gaeta]

I have never touched alcohol and l am 58. I was never interested into it. I also was never interested in dating a drinker. None of my partners were drinkers. My current bf never drank in his life, my ex also never drank in his life, etc. There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting alcohol in their life.

Because l'm not a drinker, when l went to bed with a man early it was because l wanted to, not because of alcohol. 

[Alpacalia]

I think you're looking at it like some superiority complex. IE: I don't drink, and I'm better than you...

It's best to be honest about your preferences and avoid judgement of the other person. "I personally don't drink, but if you'd like a glass of wine, please feel free to order one for yourself." Or "I typically don't drink much, but if you'd like to share a bottle, I'm open to it." This way, you're allowing the other person to make their own choices and feel comfortable with their decision.

Edited February 24 by Alpacalia

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I think you're looking at it like some superiority complex. IE: I don't drink, and I'm better than you...

It's best to be honest about your preferences and avoid judgement of the other person. "I personally don't drink, but if you'd like a glass of wine, please feel free to order one for yourself." Or "I typically don't drink much, but if you'd like to share a bottle, I'm open to it." This way, you're allowing the other person to make their own choices and feel comfortable with their decision.

Trust me where I live not drinking definitely does not make me superior at all! It's mostly frowned upon!

[Wiseman2]

[ ] If you are not going on dates or bringing women home drunk why worry about it? 

Edited February 24 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[ZA Dater]

[ ]  I was simply asking a question based on my own experience based on date's I have been on and situations I found myself in where perhaps unintentionally I rejected people.

Edited February 24 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[basil67]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

[ ]  I was simply asking a question based on my own experience based on date's I have been on and situations I found myself in where perhaps unintentionally I rejected people.

This thread is about whether or not you'd have sex if they'd had three drinks and you were attracted to them - and you've now told us that it relates to situations from your past.  Does this mean you've actually been on a few dates with different women where you actually found the woman attractive?   I thought this had never happened to you!

So what's your takeaway from this discussion?  Would you do things differently now, or keep doing what you've been doing?

 

Edited February 24 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Alpacalia]

If you've unintentionally rejected people, perhaps there are underlying issues that you should work out, rather than leaning on not drinking as an excuse.

You're essentially asking a question asinine as those guys who blame their lack of success on their height. There's always something else to blame other than your own self.