1st date

[aphexx13]

we met for dinner and drinks. I drove she took a uber because she hadnt drank in a while. we hit it off really good. we live very close to each other so at the end of the date she asked if i wanted to take her home and watch a movie. when we got to her house she had another drink. as the movie went on she was getting very snuggly with me and at the end of the movie she got very aggressive. lots of kissing and heavy petting. before that began we agreed that sex was off the table her words which i was fine with because she was pretty tipsy and i wasnt. after things cooled down we talked about that we had great chemistry and both wanted a long term relationship. we both suspended all our dating apps as we both only like to date 1 person at a time. i left and we kissed goodbye called her when i got home. the next day she apologized for being to assertive and said she drank to much. she said she did have a great time but her actions werent really her and she feels bad.

we texted through the day and made plans for another date. she just got over covid so the date took a lot of energy out of her. i may be reading to much into her texts but she seemed distant. we were supposed to chat tonight but she said she was wiped out and asked if we could talk tomorrow. all her dating apps are taken down but i cant shake the feeling something is off. thoughts?

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, aphexx13 said:

we met for dinner and drinks. I drove she took a uber because she hadnt drank in a while. we hit it off really good. we live very close to each other so at the end of the date she asked if i wanted to take her home and watch a movie. when we got to her house she had another drink. as the movie went on she was getting very snuggly with me and at the end of the movie she got very aggressive. lots of kissing and heavy petting. before that began we agreed that sex was off the table her words which i was fine with because she was pretty tipsy and i wasnt. after things cooled down we talked about that we had great chemistry and both wanted a long term relationship. we both suspended all our dating apps as we both only like to date 1 person at a time. i left and we kissed goodbye called her when i got home. the next day she apologized for being to assertive and said she drank to much. she said she did have a great time but her actions werent really her and she feels bad.

we texted through the day and made plans for another date. she just got over covid so the date took a lot of energy out of her. i may be reading to much into her texts but she seemed distant. we were supposed to chat tonight but she said she was wiped out and asked if we could talk tomorrow. all her dating apps are taken down but i cant shake the feeling something is off. thoughts?

She may be having second thoughts. Sometimes when people talk of exclusivity early it can create strong emotions in both people and if one or both are emotionally unavailable or not ready for a relationship it may cause them to back off.

Just give her space and arrange to meet up again but you can't control how ready or otherwise she is to commit to something with you.

[Alpacalia]

Wait until you speak to her again before jumping to conclusions. It could be that she really is just tired from recovering from COVID. Of course there is always the possibility that she's having second thoughts. But one thing's for sure, whether she's feeling distant or just plain tired, her not feeling well may have definitely played a role in how she's been communicating with you, so go easy and just wait until you chat her up tomorrow to really see where she's at.

[introverted1]

She could be feeling embarrassed.  If she truly acted of character that first night, she may be wondering how to recover from that. 

Alternately, perhaps she really did want to have sex that night and now feels rejected. 

Either way, all you can do is to wait and see how it plays out, unfortunately. 

[Sony12]

She told you that you two got carried away and that her actions weren't really her. That's pretty much a way of her saying it was fun but also probably a little bit of a mistake.

[FredEire]

Agree with all the above, in addition this was a first date. Speaking from experience it can certainly happen that you feel a special connection on the first meeting but it's not the time to delete dating apps and talk of exclusivity.

Also as others have said since she tried to initiate sex she could be feeling embarrassed. I don't think you did much wrong apart from maybe being too intense (which is a natural reaction), but too much happening at the beginning can cause things to fizzle out.

I suspect she may not be very sure what she actually wants, as her actions suggested that in the moment she wanted a hookup, and this may end up making her disengage due to just feeling too much intensity/pressure.

Anyway, the uncertainty sucks! So I feel you there. Just try to give her space, slow down a bit and see how she reacts.

Edited February 21 by FredEire

[d0nnivain]

If you would like another date, ask her out again.  If she says no, don't take it personally.  It's probably her feeling awkward because of how she acted on the 1st date.  

[aphexx13]

talked to her today and asked for some clarification. she says our kissing didnt have the chemistry she wanted. although thats not what she was saying during our making out. she was saying how turned on she was and how much she liked it. one thing i didnt like is she was very aggressive and was shoving her tongue down my throat. it was very sloppy and not very sensual. i told her that it was a bit awkward and our first time and we needed to learn each others kissing style. she said its about what she likes and wants and wont settle like she has in the past. i told her you cant judge things by 1 date and we should try a few more dates before giving up on our feelings.

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, aphexx13 said:

talked to her today and asked for some clarification. she says our kissing didnt have the chemistry she wanted. although thats not what she was saying during our making out. she was saying how turned on she was and how much she liked it. one thing i didnt like is she was very aggressive and was shoving her tongue down my throat. it was very sloppy and not very sensual. i told her that it was a bit awkward and our first time and we needed to learn each others kissing style. she said its about what she likes and wants and wont settle like she has in the past. i told her you cant judge things by 1 date and we should try a few more dates before giving up on our feelings.

@aphexx13, If someone tries to back out for one reason or another, please let them go. It doesn't matter whether what they're saying makes sense to you.

Resist the temptation to defend yourself or tell them they're wrong or shouldn't give up so easily. You want to be with someone who doesn't behave "out of character" on the first date and then back out, giving an explanation that seems at odds with what she said when you were together. You want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you or at the very least, wants to spend more time getting to know you. So this woman is not the one for you.

Set aside your ego. Rejection is pretty much a regular part of the dating process. You will be rejected by some, and you will be liked and sought out by others. Just accept that. Try to use the feedback you get to address any genuine issues. Set aside any feedback that is not useful. Most importantly, focus your attention on the people who like you. Don't go chasing people who show ambivalence about you or about dating. 

She wants out. That much is clear. The correct response is to say, "Okay," and then end the conversation. Let her go, go back onto the app, meet other women, and don't be in a rush to be exclusive.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to really dislike her. It's not worth berating her or her kissing to teach her anything so you can go back and try to close the deal. Please reflect if you are ready to date. You seem a bit bitter. 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to really dislike her. It's not worth berating her or her kissing to teach her anything so you can go back and try to close the deal. Please reflect if you are ready to date. You seem a bit bitter. 

I agree. If it's getting to a stage where you're picking at perceived slights, especially this early on, romance is probably off the table and it's better to just let it go.

To me, especially with how you describe the kissing, it sounds like she was in the mood that night and wanted a hook-up, which you passed up on. The fact you had stronger feelings put you on two different wavelengths, which is unfortunate but thats just the way it goes sometimes.

There may have been some part of her that wanted something more serious which led to the conversation about committment, deleting apps etc, but when the moment faded she felt ashamed and realised that wasn't what she really wanted or was ready for.

Either way it's not worth overthinking, you felt how you felt and you couldn't have changed that in the moment, where you were with the whole thing unfortunately just didn't quite match up. You may have missed out on a night of fun but from her end it doesn't seem like she was really looking for much more than that.

The only thing I'd say you could have done differently is maybe not being as intense talking about commitments etc with someone you barely know. It's natural to feel like saying these things sometimes if you feel a strong connection but you always want to hedge your bets a bit in case it burns out quickly like it did here.

Edited February 22 by FredEire

[Sony12]

Having a hot make out session that they seemed to be really into and then after it is done they tell you they don't feel the chemistry really isn't that uncommon of an excuse. For a lot of people the lacking chemistry explanation is just a standard line they give people when they want to end things (they probably give that line to lots of people). Don't think too much of it as they clearly are still physically attracted to you or else they wouldn't have made out with you in the first place.

And sticking a tongue down the other person's throat is an extremely common technique people use who like to have heavy make out sessions. If you don't like having a lady put her tongue in your mouth I suggest you avoid having heavy make out sessions with people on the first date who will often be doing it for their own gratification and will do techniques that excite them.

Honestly if she asked you to come over and watch a movie on the first date chances are she just planned on this being a one time deal to begin with. 

She said no sex but the definition of sex is different for almost everyone. So she very well may have been disappointed it didn't go further than making out.  And didn't feel like you were a good match for her when it didn't go further than that (as she clearly was setting up a scenario where you two could go as far as you were both comfortable with).

Edited February 22 by Sony12

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Having a hot make out session that they seemed to be really into and then after it is done they tell you they don't feel the chemistry really isn't that uncommon of an excuse. For a lot of people the lacking chemistry explanation is just a standard line they give people when they want to end things (they probably give that line to lots of people). Don't think too much of it as they clearly are still physically attracted to you or else they wouldn't have made out with you in the first place.

And sticking a tongue down the other person's throat is an extremely common technique people use who like to have heavy make out sessions. If you don't like having a lady put her tongue in your mouth I suggest you avoid having heavy make out sessions with people on the first date who will often be doing it for their own gratification and will do techniques that excite them.

Honestly if she asked you to come over and watch a movie on the first date chances are she just planned on this being a one time deal to begin with. 

She said no sex but the definition of sex is different for almost everyone. So she very well may have been disappointed it didn't go further than making out.  And didn't feel like you were a good match for her when it didn't go further than that (as she clearly was setting up a scenario where you two could go as far as you were both comfortable with).

Yep. I've had occasions in the past where the girl wanted to go home with me, said there would be no sex and then she ended up initiating it. I think it's often a self-preservation thing of not feeling they are being too easy/too keen.

Obviously you didn't want to go for it as you felt it could be more, but honestly if you really feel like that maybe turn her down and say you'd like to meet her again and take things slow.

Either way the final outcome may not have been much different. It's possible she's just dating around and meeting/sleeping with several guys and that's what she wants at the moment, but she's not entirely comfortable admitting it to herself.

If something similar happens again maybe just keep in mind that what's on the table is a one-night stand, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

[Alpacalia]

Sometimes people do what feels right in the moment.

Her judgment was slightly impaired and she felt at the end she got a little too carried away when she felt she may not have had the same chemistry during the kissing as she would like 2 days later after all day drinking on the date. She probably senses that you're also critical of those things, thus feels like you're judging her too critically. Whatever her reasoning at the time, she felt a few days later she did get carried away and lost track of her desire for a more sensual kiss yet felt a bit awkward that by telling you she may have lost her boundaries a bit.

Since she admitted she had drank too much then that could explain why she felt vulnerable and a bit unsafe during the kiss as somebody who felt she hadn't had sex in a long while and was ready in that moment. So her ramming her tongue down your throat was her way of feeling in control of her desire, while getting carried away in the moment - which now does feel a bit OTT in her mind.

However, I agree anyone who does too much of anything on the first date may be too full on emotionally too soon. And best use your own judgement if kissing someone this first date was even worth it as some goal to achieve and - by those standards, physical wise - by then you should basically know if it's meaningful or only physical.

[Sony12]

54 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yep. I've had occasions in the past where the girl wanted to go home with me, said there would be no sex and then she ended up initiating it. I think it's often a self-preservation thing of not feeling they are being too easy/too keen.

Obviously you didn't want to go for it as you felt it could be more, but honestly if you really feel like that maybe turn her down and say you'd like to meet her again and take things slow.

Either way the final outcome may not have been much different. It's possible she's just dating around and meeting/sleeping with several guys and that's what she wants at the moment, but she's not entirely comfortable admitting it to herself.

If something similar happens again maybe just keep in mind that what's on the table is a one-night stand, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Yep and for many the term sex just refers to the actual act of intercourse. So it's very likely that while she may not have wanted that in this situation she would have been totally fine with taking each other's clothes off and performing oral sex on one another. Things like that.

When a lady invites a guy into her home on a first date pretty much everything is on the table until she puts up a stop sign.

 

Edited February 22 by Sony12

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yep and for many the term sex just refers to the actual act of intercourse. So it's very likely that while she may not have wanted that in this situation it's very likely she would have been totally fine with taking each other's clothes off and performing oral sex on one another. Things like that.

When a lady invites a guy into her home on a first date pretty much everything is on the table until she puts up a stop sign.

 

Yeah, I doubt she was inviting him back with the intention of doing nothing.

I think the lesson here OP is you have to be on the same wavelength for things to work out. Sometimes you're just not though and you can try to do your best to react in the moment but it's not always possible. Sometimes people are just confused as well and they realise after the fact they don't really want anything further.

You could have had sex and she may have felt embarrassed about it and not wanted to meet again. Or as in this case you didn't and she may have felt rejected and embarrassed about trying to initiate something. Either way unless you're on the same page you can't really win. It's frustrating but that's the way it can go sometimes.

 

Edited February 22 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

Have you heard the term "coyote morning"? It refers to the morning after regrets from drunken messes like this. She probably wants to forget about it. You should too. 

[Andy_K]

Strike when the iron is hot.

She was clearly wanting to take things further, and you not wanting to do so was like hitting her over the head with a 2x4 saying "We are not on the same wavelength!". Once that idea got into her head, it grew over the space of a few days and changed how she viewed everything that happened on your date. It was no longer the same experience for her that it was for you.

Everything you've done since has only convinced her more that you two just aren't aligned.

[Alpacalia]

On 2/20/2024 at 7:55 PM, aphexx13 said:

the next day she apologized for being to assertive and said she drank to much. she said she did have a great time but her actions werent really her and she feels bad.

Her saying that sex was off the table but then it getting very aggressive and handsy sounds to me that she’s had different expectations of what “off the table” means, if she even remembered that she said it in the first place due to being so drunk. It’s understandable that she may feel embarrassed and apologize the next day, but if she’s saying that it’s not something she would normally do and didn’t even realize what she was doing, I would take her word for it and not overthink it too much.

Edited February 22 by Alpacalia

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Her saying that sex was off the table but then it getting very aggressive and handsy sounds to me that she’s had different expectations of what “off the table” means, if she even remembered that she said it in the first place due to being so drunk. It’s understandable that she may feel embarrassed and apologize the next day, but if she’s saying that it’s not something she would normally do and didn’t even realize what she was doing, I would take her word for it and not overthink it too much.

Possibly. However if she is asking men to come back to her place and proceeding to come on to them pretty strongly once there indicates that it probably wasn't the first time she has done something like that.

But most people do have a different interpretation of what defines sex so chances were probably good that she ended up being disappointed with the encounter if their interpretations of what was ok and not ok weren't aligned.

Edited February 22 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Possibly. However if she is asking men to come back to her place and proceeding to come on to them pretty strongly once there indicates that it probably wasn't the first time she has done something like that.

But most people do have a different interpretation of what defines sex so chances were probably good that she ended up being disappointed with the encounter if their interpretations of what was ok and not ok weren't aligned.

I don't think that is necessarily true. I never invite men back to my place or come on to them strongly unless I am genuinely interested in them.

I invited ONE man that I had been on a couple dates with back to my place one night and he never assumed that meant sex. We ended up doing some kissing and that's about it but he 100% respected and understood my boundaries and wasn't disappointed at all. We dated for a little while after that and he never pressured me or got upset when we didn't have sex. So I think it really depends on the individual and their understanding of boundaries and respect for consent.

[Sony12]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't think that is necessarily true. I never invite men back to my place or come on to them strongly unless I am genuinely interested in them.

I invited ONE man that I had been on a couple dates with back to my place one night and he never assumed that meant sex. We ended up doing some kissing and that's about it but he 100% respected and understood my boundaries and wasn't disappointed at all. We dated for a little while after that and he never pressured me or got upset when we didn't have sex. So I think it really depends on the individual and their understanding of boundaries and respect for consent.

Well she probably was interested in him. At least that night she was. But that doesn't necessarily mean she would continue to be interested in him once the encounter was over.

There is a big hook up culture these days amongst all age groups. Even though this particular encounter didn't proceed all the way to sex what they had was still essentially a hookup.

 

Edited February 22 by Sony12

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Well she probably was interested in him. At least that night she was. But that doesn't necessarily mean she would continue to be interested in him once the encounter was over.

There is a big hook up culture these days amongst all age groups. Even though this particular encounter didn't proceed all the way to sex what they had was still essentially a hookup.

 

Post-nut syndrome is a real thing. It's usually talked about with men but girls have it too.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, what is striking to me is that based on some good kissing you guys got to talking about a long-term commitment, if I'm reading you right.

You two know NOTHING about each other after a good date and a night of making out. NOTHING.  Both of you got ridiculously carried away. There are disagreements on this on this board, but I think it was way premature to go off the apps based on one date. Wait til things progress further before going off the apps. 

And yes, if you sense some distance, that means there IS some distance. People who are interested in us work really hard to make clear their interest even if they're two steps away from six feet under. Anything less than that indicates lack of interest. Plus there is a red flag in her feeling like she went too far. She might have a drinking problem, or she might be someone who deliberately drinks a lot in order to give herself permission to make out or have sex. You don't want someone who on a first date acts in a way that they later apologize for. She can't control herself on a first date (when our focus on impressing the other person is sky high), there is nothing but trouble to come on subsequent dates. What is she, a high schooler, going out at night for the first time?

This sounds over before it started, but that's the point. It didn't start. FYI: We can have a great night of connection and making out with someone and in two weeks basically despise them and not want to touch them. 

All that said, sorry for your disappointment. But she has sent up major red flags. 

 

[aphexx13]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, what is striking to me is that based on some good kissing you guys got to talking about a long-term commitment, if I'm reading you right.

You two know NOTHING about each other after a good date and a night of making out. NOTHING.  Both of you got ridiculously carried away. There are disagreements on this on this board, but I think it was way premature to go off the apps based on one date. Wait til things progress further before going off the apps. 

And yes, if you sense some distance, that means there IS some distance. People who are interested in us work really hard to make clear their interest even if they're two steps away from six feet under. Anything less than that indicates lack of interest. Plus there is a red flag in her feeling like she went too far. She might have a drinking problem, or she might be someone who deliberately drinks a lot in order to give herself permission to make out or have sex. You don't want someone who on a first date acts in a way that they later apologize for. She can't control herself on a first date (when our focus on impressing the other person is sky high), there is nothing but trouble to come on subsequent dates. What is she, a high schooler, going out at night for the first time?

This sounds over before it started, but that's the point. It didn't start. FYI: We can have a great night of connection and making out with someone and in two weeks basically despise them and not want to touch them. 

All that said, sorry for your disappointment. But she has sent up major red flags. 

 

I agree. about the taking down the dating sites. typically what i do is only date 1 person at a time so i pause or disable my dating apps while im dating someone. i do blame myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. to my defense my profile was very detailed about my personality my like and dislikes and what i was looking for in a relationship. hers was a paragraph at most specifying meeting right away. she claimed that we were so much alike and had so many things in common. during our date we hardly got to talk about personal things. one problem and big flag was she dominated the conversation because she was so hyper physically and verbally i could barly get a word in . I do think she has a problem with drinking from some of her stories. shes 51 but seemed very immature. the thing that bothered me the most and what caused me so much confusion is she sent me a message before we met saying that the last guy she met obviously was after 1 thing and she was sick of guys doing that. thats why i was so confused when she did a 180 and jumped on me. she also said that she was hopeful that we would hit it off and we could have a dating app deleting party.