Friend Group Vibe Check

[nightvisiongoggles]

Hi Everyone, first post here. I was hoping to get some insight on my current friend group situation. I think a good chunk of this is I need to grow a pair but I can't help feeling a little hurt. Sorry this is long I do want to give a full picture. 

I (34F) met friend 2 (38F) when I started my new job. She seemed welcoming and encouraged me to seek her out if I had any questions. We work in a field where camaraderie and information sharing is encouraged. However once the work started I noticed she was visibly annoyed when I would ask her questions and wanted nothing to do with me. She was also dumping on me at work. Thus I found it odd that she would reach out to me to hang out outside of work to go hiking/exercise. Even going as far as guilt tripping me (saying it's for my health), when I declined. Since I was new to the area I caved in since I felt like she was making an effort. Due to this we did develop a friendship and things got better after I called her out on dumping on me at work. A few more details before I move on. During the time we've known each other she's. 1. extremely strict with diet, avoids carbs.  2. I have never heard her say a nice thing about any of her other friends. 3. She has never introduced me to her other friends (fine but this comes into play later). 

Enter friend 1 (34F) who I consider to be one of my closest friends, who moves into the same city. I initially was hesitant to introduce them, but I felt like it never hurts to know more people in the area. Friend 1 is not super outdoorsy/into exercising but this is what we start doing initially to hang out. Everything friend 2 used to give me a hard time for (not liking to hike late, eating after we hike, being cautious etc) she graciously accommodates for friend 1. Friend 2 once confided in me that she is determined to turn friend 1 into an outdoorsy person, when I expressed that she's just not into that, friend 2 asked me what she likes, so I told her food and shopping. Ever since then friend 2 will constantly suggest that we get noodles and go shopping. Friend 2 likes to tease me for liking dark colors but praises friend 1 for it. Once when we went out to dinner (just the 3 of us), friend 2 flat out states she wants to share her appetizer with friend 1. There have been times I've felt excluded as well, for example we plan to meet for lunch but I get excluded from the planning (I'll hear about it from friend 1). Once the three of us had planned to go to the gym, had to get rescheduled and it got rescheduled without me.  When we all went to a convention together, the plan was to do a group costume one day (which I again was not aware of until friend 1 brought it up to me) and me and friend 1 were going to do our own thing the other day since friend 2 isn't into video games. When I shared our other plans with friend 2 she tells me she wants to get the same outfit as friend 1 and after that I noticed that they both would discuss how to match each other. During the convention friend 2 would not stop talking about getting hot dogs when she learned friend 1 likes them.  There have also been two instances where friend 2 has tried to twist my words (for lack of better words) insinuating I was speaking ill of Friend 1 (supervisor at work shares the same name as friend 1, on two instances when we would talk smack about our supervisor she would say "oh I thought you were talking about friend 1 and thought that that was kind of mean").

The final straw for me was this past week. friend 2's bday is coming up and friend 1 was talking to me about what we should do, the convo kind of dropped out so I assumed we were just gonna get individual gifts. Thurs I meet friend 2 for a workout session and asked if she wants to do anything. she tells me she and friend 1 are seeing a movie but assumes I can't make it bc I have plans with my boyfriend (which I did not tell her about until that day) and doesn't even try to make it sound like she wants me to make it. She then offers to meet Monday and shuts it down immediately bc I had told her I was meeting my boyfriend that day too. (Want to note that since I've been dating I have never ditched either of these girls for this guy nor have I made any indication that I would rather be hanging out with him more than them, I'm actually still feeling out his attachment style and thus keeping a bit of distance).  I am 90% sure that I did not tell friend 1 I had plans bc we don't really talk about relationships. Obviously I get that I don't have to be invited to everything, but then like don't extend me a half assed  invitation and then withdraw it?

Because I want to be fair to both sides, I have thought about the fact potentially friend 2 is feeling excluded. Friend 1 and I work out once week together at a class and get lunch if our schedules allow. Friend 1 had invited friend 2 to join in but friend 2 didn't want to (bc she didn't like the class). I will be honest with the way friend 2 had been treating me at work I'm usually very reluctant to reach out to spend time with her alone regularly (I'm also very introverted and like to spend time by myself) and I do want to also have separate time with friend 1 so I can nerd out on things. I've initiated and planned things for the three of us.

I know the best course of action is just to ignore it and have confidence in my friendships but sometimes it's been hard. I feel like there is no point of bringing it up bc friend 2 will be moving out of the city relatively soon, I'm just deciding how I want to phase her out (be blunt about it vs just letting the distance run it's course). Thanks for reading if you've come this far. I'm working on being kinder to myself and being realistic too. 

[Wiseman2]

Friend 2 seems more like a frenemy. Good idea to just phase it out. 

[ShyViolet]

Friend 2 sounds like a toxic person, to be quite honest.  You've tolerated her crazy behavior for way too long.  You need to establish better boundaries and not let people walk all over you.

[nightvisiongoggles]

Hi everyone! Just wanted to say thanks for the feedback. This year I told myself I'd treat myself better and set more boundaries.