blife Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 My husband and I have always had an ideal relationship with a lot of love. We fell in love like instantly and we have been in our relationship for 3 years. My husband works full time while I work part time because I'm going back to school. He works a lot so during the week we don't see each other that much which sucks. We bought a house about a year ago and before this we met our closest neighbor a few times and my husband actually hung out with a couple of times. He did a few things to our house/property and because my husband was at work I was who he dealt with while he was there. His business is right across from our driveway. We got to talking and it turns out he has a degree and was in my field before he took over his father's business. We had more in common than I thought so I really liked him. I was struggling with a couple of my classes so I would text him every once in a while with a question. That turned into us texting regularly. A few weeks ago things got physical between us and I'm in way over my head here. I'm not seeing him any more but I am feeling absolutely horrible. I do not want to lose my husband and marriage and this life we have built together. I feel so stupid. I have never cheated or even thought about it and I'm not even sure how or why I was vulnerable to it.i know he isn't going to tell my husband but I know this isn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I think you already know you have to cut this off completely. This won't end well unless you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 It's time to really turn your attention back to yourself and your marriage to figure out how you got to a place of cheating. If you have no idea why it happened, it stands to reason that it could indeed happen again. Without getting to the root of it you will be vulnerable to the next man who catches your fancy. You need to get honest with yourself about the state of your feelings and what is happening with your commitment to your husband. It sounds like you are lonely and wanted attention but there is usually a lot more to it, since you gave yourself permission to actually step outside the marriage. 3 hours ago, blife said: i know he isn't going to tell my husband How do you know this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 10 hours ago, blife said: i know he isn't going to tell my husband You don’t know this. You also don’t know that the neighbour didn’t see him come/go from your house. You can’t guarantee that your secret won’t be discovered, which would be tremendously unsettling for me. You may want to consider telling your husband - 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Did you actually have sex with the neighbor? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 I have cut if off completely. I am debating on telling my husband. It is really difficult... We did have sex. I know this sounds like a cliche but I think it was just sex while I wasnt thinking completely straight or long term and I am over that Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 2 minutes ago, blife said: I have cut if off completely. I am debating on telling my husband. It is really difficult... We did have sex. I know this sounds like a cliche but I think it was just sex while I wasnt thinking completely straight or long term and I am over that Ok if you did have sex you do need to cut off all contacts with this individual. You can tell him but beware if you do your marriage may never be the same again. Most important thing is to never talk with the neighbor again. Do you two have children together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 We do not have children Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 7 minutes ago, blife said: We do not have children Ok that makes things a little less complicated. It was a mistake you made but don't beat yourself up over it. You are pretty young (and I am assuming both your husband and your neighbor are about the same age as you). People can be tempted to cheat at any age but especially so when they are still young and probably haven't completely settled down yet. The decision to tell your husband is yours but it's not like this was a multiple time thing. It happened once and you realized right away it was a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 1 hour ago, blife said: I think it was just sex while I wasn’t thinking completely straight or long term and I am over that And if your husband came to you with this explanation, how would you feel about that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 I would be very concerned if I were you, OP. This other man is way too close for comfort, and all it was take is a moment of indiscretion for him to share the secret with someone else that he has slept with you and for that to get back to your husband. He might not go to your husband himself, but that doesn't mean he won't let the cat out of the bag to someone who will. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: And if your husband came to you with this explanation, how would you feel about that? Which is why it might be best not to mention it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 If he did the same thing I would feel terrible about myself. I am just picturing us 10 years from now being happy and this not destroying us. That is a decent point about him telling other people but I think it isn't likely. I don't know who would advertise that, very possible though. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 7 minutes ago, blife said: If he did the same thing I would feel terrible about myself. I am just picturing us 10 years from now being happy and this not destroying us. That is a decent point about him telling other people but I think it isn't likely. I don't know who would advertise that, very possible though. Is he married as well or in a serious relationship? How much would he stand to lose by telling someone? If he doesn't stand to lose much himself than it is possible. It's also possible he would be respectful of the situation but you never know. Did he seem to regret it as well after it happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 He is not currently in a relationship. He broke up with his girlfriend several months ago. I don't think he regrets it and doesn't think it is a huge deal. It was purely just sexual on his end as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 2 minutes ago, blife said: He is not currently in a relationship. He broke up with his girlfriend several months ago. I don't think he regrets it and doesn't think it is a huge deal. It was purely just sexual on his end as well. He doesn't think him having sex with his neighbors wife is a huge deal? It's very possible this guy has a thing about sleeping with married women and if that's true he would be a real threat to the future of your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 27 minutes ago, Sony12 said: He doesn't think him having sex with his neighbors wife is a huge deal? It's very possible this guy has a thing about sleeping with married women and if that's true he would be a real threat to the future of your marriage. He doesn't think it's a big deal as long as it stays between us. I could see that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 9 minutes ago, blife said: He doesn't think it's a big deal as long as it stays between us. I could see that. Have you told him that it's not going to happen again. Or does he think you two very well may have sex again sometime in the future? If he suddenly feels rejected by you or you do something that makes him mad you can't say what he might do. After all we are talking about a guy who didn't even have the decency to hook up with a married woman online who didn't have anything to do with his regular life. He thinks so little about his actions that he hooked up with the married next door neighbor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blife Posted February 18 Author Share Posted February 18 19 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Have you told him that it's not going to happen again. Or does he think you two very well may have sex again sometime in the future? If he suddenly feels rejected by you or you do something that makes him mad you can't say what he might do. After all we are talking about a guy who didn't even have the decency to hook up with a married woman online who didn't have anything to do with his regular life. He thinks so little about his actions that he hooked up with the married next door neighbor. Yeah he knows and I officially called things off Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 1 hour ago, blife said: I am just picturing us 10 years from now being happy and this not destroying us. There is now a serious crack in the foundation of your marriage - he just doesn’t know it. Whether or not that crack continues to grow and how it affects the stability of your home - only time will tell. But, you know that crack is there and it will never go away… Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 It's good you officially called things off. That's the first step. Please stay away from the guy and please reflect what led you down this dark road. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 (edited) 1 hour ago, blife said: It was purely just sexual on his end as well. Saying that it was “just sex” doesn’t excuse in any way the betrayal of trust here. You are minimizing - it’s “just sex,” it only happened one time, it meant nothing to me - because you know that it’s a big deal. You don’t want to tell your husband because you know it’s a very big deal for your marriage. You are not fooling anyone, except maybe your husband… You don’t want to tell him, that’s your choice. My suggestion - you find yourself a counsellor and figure out why this happened and how you ensure that it never happens again - otherwise, you have done yourself, your husband, and your marriage a huge disservice. Edited February 18 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 19 hours ago, blife said: I have never cheated or even thought about it and I'm not even sure how or why I was vulnerable to it. You weren’t vulnerable to it. You’re not a victim. You were attracted to your neighbor, wanted to have sex with him, and selfishly had sex with him without regard for your husband or marriage. It’s really that simple. And it’s done. Now how selfish will you remain is the question. Do you selfishly hide this from your husband? Or do you tell him and let him make an informed decision as to the future of the marriage? 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
zouzd Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 I don't want to judge you and put blame ; I believe the amount of frustration you will face will do it's job . In my opinion and please nobody consider my opinion as ethical ; I am stating things logically , the only 2 approaches that reaches to a closure of the issue completly are : option 1 : tell your husband ,escalate the issue and don't play the role of a victim; if your marriage is strong it will survive it . option 2 : relocate from the neighborhood no matter how difficult this will be as it will be your healing cost ; then after you settle in another place with your husband with proper boundaries and a robust fence for your marriage ; then you decide to tell your husband . any other option will be nothing but burying your head in sand , because truth will come out and you will be .... 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19 Share Posted February 19 39 minutes ago, zouzd said: option 2 : relocate from the neighborhood no matter how difficult this will be as it will be your healing cost ; then after you settle in another place with your husband with proper boundaries and a robust fence for your marriage ; then you decide to tell your husband While I don't disagree with the idea of relocating, I don't see how this will be possible without her husband wondering why the heck she wants to up and move to a different area out of the blue. It is unlikely this won't raise his suspicion. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts