I stopped looking years ago

[Alpacalia]

I have PTSD and I wouldn't mind if a man was not 100% understanding about it. Because it doesn't always manifest in obvious ways. Understanding and empathy are important, but if you can't handle it, that's fine.

I want to point out though in your original post you mentioned your man friend having ADHD and that you can't have a partner that is so self-involved but reading your thread if anyone is coming across as self involved it is the person writing this.

I say that with love and light and not judgement. Clearly you have your own defensive behaviors and quirks.

This is a great chance for self-reflection and somethings seem like you are extremely picky while requiring a partner to be "simplistic."

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Stret said:

My issue is that I actually have a power to at least have a decent attempt at changing things, and I'm working hard on contributing to something historic in my field. And those with platform should shout from the top of their lungs, and should do everything to change things IMO. It becomes a human responsibility.

Absolutely, if you have the ability to change things, then do all you can!   But if you have a partner who's qualifications are in an unrelated area, and who doesn't have the ability to make change, do you think it's reasonable to expect them to alienate friends, family and colleagues over (reasonable) differing views?  

[basil67]

OK, another thing which may be unrealistic.  You say that you want a man who is financially stable and doesn't live with parents or flat mates.  If you are in an area where housing is affordable, this makes good sense.  But again, what if his city has a housing crisis but he chooses to stay because it's where his work, friends and family are.   What's wrong with getting a flat mate in to help him get a comfortable buffer on his mortgage?   He gets in front financially and someone else gets a roof over their head.   Is this not win/win in your eyes?   

A lot of financial success can come from sensible sacrifices - such renting out a room.  But you seem to think that house sharing is a negative

Edited February 18, 2024 by basil67

[Stret]

Just now, basil67 said:

I find your lack of (reasonable) tolerance for differences in a partner quite shocking.

Yet, you are here not tolerating that a person who went through war and lived alone since 17 has different views than you. While you are judging my no-go zone based on my experience and calling me arrogant and unreasonable, you are using rather strong words to describe a person you know nothing about. Which makes you a bit aggressive for my taste so I wouldn't choose a partner with that characteristic either. 

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

If you know one person on the spectrum, then you know one person on the spectrum.   If you know one person with ADHD, then you know one person with ADHD.  Heck, if you know one person who's neuro typical, then you know one person who's neuro typical.  If you have a bad experience with a NT person, are you going to swear off them too?

This logical fallacy is called false equivalence. People with ADHD are all different and we are all different, indeed. Yet, some have diagnosable condition which manifests itself in the following way (this is where you should type, for example, "ADHD in adults" or "symptoms of Asperger's in adults" in Google search and see if that is the partner you want to start a relationship with). Maybe you do - and I respect that. I don't. And I have my reasons which I will mention in a min if you would have a curtesy of entertaining the possibility that I am not full of s*** or arrogant - that is not me you're talking about but it does say something about you - something in my list triggered you. 
I'm not saying that the people with mental health issues are somehow less valuable as people, or less intelligent (might be just the opposite), but I'm just saying that I don't want to deal with the negative aspects of their condition because of own my life experience and my own taste in people that developed over years. I want a mentally healthy partner. We are all messed up in some way, but diagnosable conditions are different, and they affect life. I had a difficult life when I was younger. Now I have an emotionally draining profession. I now want to have non-difficult life as much as possible. I want to come home to rest and relax with someone, not have to come from work to clean, cook, deal with someone who is emotionally immature, who struggles with poor social skills and communication, or who has inattentive and impulsive personality. This should not be hard to understand. Again, I'm only asking what I am able to offer, so I don't think it is unfair or arrogant. Arrogant would be if I think I'm a princess who deserves everything without moving her little finger. 

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I'm not suggesting you take on someone who's a basket case.  But if you would be OK with a partner who was medicated and highly functional, why not a boyfriend who's medicated and highly functional?  

Because it is very different if I meet a schizophrenic guy who medicates and functions in life, and if my life partner later develops schizophrenia. I would not go for the one I just met with such condition, and I would help my partner deal with it if he developed it. Same goes if a person has cancer and is dying - you don't go there and choose them as partner because it is just pain for both. But if your partner gets cancer then you are sticking by, no matter what. I thought it was a rather clear explanation before in more general terms, but apparently not. 

[Stret]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Absolutely, if you have the ability to change things, then do all you can!   But if you have a partner who's qualifications are in an unrelated area, and who doesn't have the ability to make change, do you think it's reasonable to expect them to alienate friends, family and colleagues over (reasonable) differing views?  

I expect them to at least be supportive of me and share the views on issues I feel strongly about. There are few of those in life where I draw the line and where I would want them to either share those views or get out. I would never be with a Nazi for example. Or genocide supporter. 

[Stret]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, another thing which may be unrealistic.  You say that you want a man who is financially stable and doesn't live with parents or flat mates.  If you are in an area where housing is affordable, this makes good sense.  But again, what if his city has a housing crisis but he chooses to stay because it's where his work, friends and family are.   What's wrong with getting a flat mate in to help him get a comfortable buffer on his mortgage?   He gets in front financially and someone else gets a roof over their head.   Is this not win/win in your eyes?

A lot of financial success can come from sensible sacrifices - such renting out a room.

It is true what you say if you are in your 20s or even 30s. But I'm in mid-40s. If a guy hasn't got his finances figured out by that time to be able to live like a grown up and not with "roomies", it is unlikely he ever will. Just a fact. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Stret said:

I expect them to at least be supportive of me and share the views on issues I feel strongly about. There are few of those in life where I draw the line and where I would want them to either share those views or get out. I would never be with a Nazi for example. Or genocide supporter. 

Be supportive?  Absolutely.  This is an entirely reasonable expectation.

 

Edited February 18, 2024 by basil67

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Stret said:

It is true what you say if you are in your 20s or even 30s. But I'm in mid-40s. If a guy hasn't got his finances figured out by that time to be able to live like a grown up and not with "roomies", it is unlikely he ever will. Just a fact. 

Again, depending on where they live, many couples (even with both on professional wages) are up to their eyeballs in mortgage debt in their mid 40's.  It's even worse for single people.  Taking in a roommate is a very good way to figure out how to pay off a mortgage.   In my city, a nice 2br apartment in a decent area will set you back about AU$1.2mill (USD780,000).  How many mid 40's guys can have that paid off alone?   

Better to share a home than to lose it to rising interest rates.

Edited February 18, 2024 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you are still holding a torch for your ex-husband, but divorced him because he was "too passive". So it does seem like you were once capable of being with someone you found acceptable. 

[Alpacalia]

You've had two very traumatic experiences with losing significant others at a very young age.

This is not something that anyone can easily get over, and it is understandable that you may have developed a fear of getting close to someone again. I feel with your list you are swiping through people like a shopping catalog - not too many people will meet the criteria for a partner that you have set in your mind.

It is important to let go of these rigid standards because they are only there to protect you from getting hurt again. That's really what this is about.

[Stret]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you are still holding a torch for your ex-husband, but divorced him because he was "too passive". So it does seem like you were once capable of being with someone you found acceptable. 

Not at all if you mean I'm still hung on him. I wasn't from the moment we split up. He is a good person, that's all. Never had any issues with him, nothing major anyway. 

There were other people that I still like as people and that I might have loved with even more, but as I said somewhere in this thread, there were some issues - such as with R who had been raped. Good guy, good compatibility, sex was awesome but it happened so rarely that I thought (and he let me believe) that something was wrong with me. I was in my 20s still and believed in our friendship and love. I was ready to be with him and have sex once a month, go to therapist with him if he needed, etc. But I couldn't forgive him that he let me whitter and get ill from feeling of rejection, and he didn't tell me about his experience. I never blamed him for it and understand that it is a horrible thing to deal with. But it was horrible to be me for about 2.5 years too. I'm glad he finally got it out of his mouth and told it to someone so next time it will be easier to say it. I'm sorry it went that way, maybe we'd still be together. But trust in him was gone. Too much pain at the time and he was watching me go through it without ever thinking to himself "she doesn't deserve this, I should tell her". So he chose to protect himself and his secret over me and my health. Which I understood. When we broke up it broke me. But when he asked that we get back, I couldn't let myself into it. Trust was gone. Trust that he will protect me from what he can. He had his story, I had mine. 
My autistic guy was trying to be a good person and I like him still as a friend. But life with him was not good for me. 

[Stret]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It is important to let go of these rigid standards because they are only there to protect you from getting hurt again. That's really what this is about.

I'll have a look, thanks for sending. >>>>>I'm editing... I though it was a link to some article. I don't think deaths of my exes had this effect on me. It didn't make me lose trust in people. I had three years of war in my teens. Financing my mum since I was 17 and got my first job. It was always me who was there to support and provide for her, and now my stepdad too (who is so amazing that I love him like my father) and 6 animals I got off the street. I lost my father in war when I was 13. There was nobody to be a safety net for me and nobody whom I could lean on and I am looking after all these living things. Why did I think in my early 30s that a guy who grew up on Beverly Hills and went to school with Angelina Jolly would be a good match is beyond me. Who knows what screwed me up. But I think that lies and manipulation, not standing up for me, siding with people who were nasty to me and not understanding it, etc... those are the things that hurt me and made me back off, and I don't want any more of in my life. It's reflected in that list. I just need someone to tell him: I feel like we share the same values and have similar characters that are protective of the people we love. I'm European, if that matters. 

Edited February 18, 2024 by Stret

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Stret said:

I'll have a look, thanks for sending. >>>>>I'm editing... I though it was a link to some article. I don't think deaths of my exes had this effect on me. It didn't make me lose trust in people. I had three years of war in my teens. Financing my mum since I was 17 and got my first job. It was always me who was there to support and provide for her, and now my stepdad too (who is so amazing that I love him like my father) and 6 animals I got off the street. I lost my father in war when I was 13. There was nobody to be a safety net for me and nobody whom I could lean on and I am looking after all these living things. Why did I think in my early 30s that a guy who grew up on Beverly Hills and went to school with Angelina Jolly would be a good match is beyond me. Who knows what screwed me up. But I think that lies and manipulation, not standing up for me, siding with people who were nasty to me and not understanding it, etc... those are the things that hurt me and made me back off, and I don't want any more of in my life. It's reflected in that list. I just need someone to tell him: I feel like we share the same values and have similar characters that are protective of the people we love. I'm European, if that matters. 

You don't? You don't think that the deaths of your exes affected you? What about losing your father in war at such a young age? I can only imagine how traumatizing that must have been.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and have had to be strong and independent for a long time. It's understandable that you would want someone who shares your values and is supportive and understanding.

But again, it ties back to creating all these lists and expecting someone to perfectly match them and not to get all philosophical but I think true compatibility comes from the willingness to grow and learn with someone rather than just checking off a list of qualities. 

Also, I just have to ask, why mention that some man you knew went to school with Angelina Jolie? What does that have to do with anything? Is it to show his social status or something else? I just find it odd that you mentioned it.

Have you ever had therapy of some sort to help you process all that you've been through?

That's not to mean that you're defected or anything like that. You've gone through a lot.

Edited February 18, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Stret]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You don't? You don't think that the deaths of your exes affected you? What about losing your father in war at such a young age? I can only imagine how traumatizing that must have been.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and have had to be strong and independent for a long time. It's understandable that you would want someone who shares your values and is supportive and understanding.

But again, it ties back to creating all these lists and expecting someone to perfectly match them and not to get all philosophical but I think true compatibility comes from the willingness to grow and learn with someone rather than just checking off a list of qualities. 

Also, I just have to ask, why mention that some man you knew went to school with Angelina Jolie? What does that have to do with anything? Is it to show his social status or something else? I just find it odd that you mentioned it.

Have you ever had therapy of some sort to help you process all that you've been through?

That's not to mean that you're defected or anything like that. You've gone through a lot.

Of course all those things affected me, just not something that affected my trust in people or my choosiness in finding a partner. I've had partners after all those events so it was not an issue until some years ago. My last boyfriend turned out to be married! And that was the last straw for me it seems, after a few other not so good relationships. 

About willingness to grow - we all have scope to grow until we die pretty much. But I'm pretty set in my ways - I was way more flexible before and it led me to ignore the red flags that I saw but thought nothing of. Willing to compromise on some things and tolerate some things as always. But nothing that is on that list. 

And haha... about Angelina, yes, of course, it just showed he was raised in a completely different world than I and that he could never possibly understand me. He was privileged while I was from a modest family and waiting for a bomb or rocket to kill me every day at the same time on the other side of the world. Why I mentioned it is that I still don't know what made me fall for him or think he would be the one for me - it is probably all the fun we had together and chemistry was good that really messed with my head. I was simply not thinking back then. Now, it is different. No matter what I feel - chemistry (even though it is much rarer now), emotions, etc. None of these things will be allowed to make a decision for me in the absence of other things that are good. I will never again create a fantasy or not see things that are right in front of me. Wide awake and vigilant. Perhaps too much for someone, but this is really what I need to weed out whoever is obviously not going to be good for me. 

Yes, I tried going to therapists and even hypnotherapist (which I highly recommend btw). Unfortunately, it seems like a good therapist is rather rare. Not many people in the countries I lived have any ability to treat war traumas. I processed that myself and apart from occasional nightmare, it is all good. Deaths of people in my life have left mark, exactly the kid that one should have, and it is there to stay. Not everything needs therapy, it is only natural that heavy things like that leave some scar and no need to fight it. Processing own traumas. accepting things and moving on, is something you get good at. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It might be that I live with much greater degree of emotional pain than other people even though nobody would tell than just by looking at me and knowing me superficially. I'm not sure about this, because you never know how others feel.  

Never even crossed my mind that I was defected in any way. With the cards I was dealt, it's not that bad at all. Many people in my shoes would break down. And I had those moments and periods as well, but then you get up and keep going. It's all life. 

[Stret]

I just ran into this: "All family life is organized around the most damaged person in it." Sigmund Freud

This is why I don't want anyone who has mental issues. Everything is about them, while you are tip toeing around their issues, never mentioning your own needs because it is all wrapped up around them. When you do mention your needs, it gets ignored. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Stret said:

I just ran into this: "All family life is organized around the most damaged person in it." Sigmund Freud

This is why I don't want anyone who has mental issues. Everything is about them, while you are tip toeing around their issues, never mentioning your own needs because it is all wrapped up around them. When you do mention your needs, it gets ignored. 

Why did you post this?   I haven't seen anyone say that you should be open to dating someone who has a mental illness which is so significant that it impacts your own life.  Even my suggestions were only for people who successfully medicated.  To be clear, I mean to the point where you can't tell there's an underlying problem.  Where if they didn't tell you that they were on meds, you wouldn't know there was an issue

Edited February 18, 2024 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

It seems like this man is a good friend and that's fine. Your claim he has too many neuropsychiatric issues for a relationship and that's fine as well. Enjoy your friends. 

[Weezy1973]

It’s likely that your childhood, which you’ve referenced many times, is the core of the issues. You’ve picked some really terrible partners by your own admission. And that faulty picker is likely due to your dysfunctional childhood. My guess is your mom couldn’t meet your needs for whatever reason and you’re searching for a partner to be able to meet all of your needs now to try to “fix” that childhood trauma. And it’s of course not possible. So stopping looking, as the title of your thread implies, is indeed your best option here. What you’re searching for just doesn’t exist.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Stret said:

Yet, you are here not tolerating that a person who went through war and lived alone since 17 has different views than you. While you are judging my no-go zone based on my experience and calling me arrogant and unreasonable, you are using rather strong words to describe a person you know nothing about. Which makes you a bit aggressive for my taste so I wouldn't choose a partner with that characteristic either. 

This logical fallacy is called false equivalence. People with ADHD are all different and we are all different, indeed. Yet, some have diagnosable condition which manifests itself in the following way (this is where you should type, for example, "ADHD in adults" or "symptoms of Asperger's in adults" in Google search and see if that is the partner you want to start a relationship with). Maybe you do - and I respect that. I don't. And I have my reasons which I will mention in a min if you would have a curtesy of entertaining the possibility that I am not full of s*** or arrogant - that is not me you're talking about but it does say something about you - something in my list triggered you. 
I'm not saying that the people with mental health issues are somehow less valuable as people, or less intelligent (might be just the opposite), but I'm just saying that I don't want to deal with the negative aspects of their condition because of own my life experience and my own taste in people that developed over years. I want a mentally healthy partner. We are all messed up in some way, but diagnosable conditions are different, and they affect life. I had a difficult life when I was younger. Now I have an emotionally draining profession. I now want to have non-difficult life as much as possible. I want to come home to rest and relax with someone, not have to come from work to clean, cook, deal with someone who is emotionally immature, who struggles with poor social skills and communication, or who has inattentive and impulsive personality. This should not be hard to understand. Again, I'm only asking what I am able to offer, so I don't think it is unfair or arrogant. Arrogant would be if I think I'm a princess who deserves everything without moving her little finger. 

Because it is very different if I meet a schizophrenic guy who medicates and functions in life, and if my life partner later develops schizophrenia. I would not go for the one I just met with such condition, and I would help my partner deal with it if he developed it. Same goes if a person has cancer and is dying - you don't go there and choose them as partner because it is just pain for both. But if your partner gets cancer then you are sticking by, no matter what. I thought it was a rather clear explanation before in more general terms, but apparently not. 

 

it appears you do not truely understand what conditions are and only learn from Google and fear the worst whrn instead therr is a spectrum.

 

I have a form of aspergers/autism spectrum.  Unless someone was clinically trained in it they probably wouldn’t see it.  My form is genetic where it runs on one side of my family.  In males it’s more obvious than with women because of socially accepted norms.

as you get older, even when in your 20s thry might not have bern diagnosed with anything, but in their mid 40s thry start getting diagnosed with things.  Is this a form of naïveté?

you seemed to find fault in people, not strengths snd positives.  It’s easy to find imperfections and faults.

[Maldives]

On 2/15/2024 at 12:54 PM, Alpacalia said:

Okay so you know he's not for you because he has ADHD and you don't feel you can be with someone who is so self-involved. That's a valid reason. I think it's possible that you may be "done" with dating, in the sense that you have found comfort in your own company and your own pursuits, and it may be hard to find someone who truly fits well with you.

I'm the opposite I've tried and tried and tried and it's been yrs and have just given up on finding a compatible relationship and partner but I would really love to have one more crack at it but as times gone on single 7 plus yrs and being 52 I've become more and more set in my ways lol and a creature of habit. I'm afraid compromise now would be a real struggle. I went on two dates with a girl recently and each time I had to drive out half an hr to pick her up. I just couldnt see myself maintaining that for long and found it tiring lol. I've given up but I haven't kind of. I still look out for opportunities in meeting people and someone but it just fades out particularly online dating. When I get asked the question what I want I actually am not entirely sure lol I value my freedom and flexibility but also crave to also share my life with someone.

Edited February 18, 2024 by Goodguy05

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Stret said:

Now, it is different. No matter what I feel - chemistry (even though it is much rarer now), emotions, etc. None of these things will be allowed to make a decision for me in the absence of other things that are good. I will never again create a fantasy or not see things that are right in front of me. Wide awake and vigilant. Perhaps too much for someone, but this is really what I need to weed out whoever is obviously not going to be good for me. 

It's interesting that you have quite a narrow view towards other people. With 2 doctoral degrees and a background in activism, it seems like you may have a tendency to only see value in others if they share your same interests or viewpoints.

Avoidance with romantic partners and friends and social groups you're just shrinking your world smaller, rather than trying to widen it. 

[Stret]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's interesting that you have quite a narrow view towards other people. With 2 doctoral degrees and a background in activism, it seems like you may have a tendency to only see value in others if they share your same interests or viewpoints.

Avoidance with romantic partners and friends and social groups you're just shrinking your world smaller, rather than trying to widen it. 

That's not a correct assumption, and I notice here that there are a lot of assumptions rather than questions. I have a rather sober view of the world. Through experience with spectrum of life circumstances ranging from the world's worst to the best, bottom to top, and everything in between, your worldview and people view widens, it does not narrow down. Then you have to watch others who only ever had relatively uniform corner for worldview tell you about the world and the people. Which can be a bit frustrating.

About my educational background - that doesn't matter for my choice of partner, but I do need an intellectual, not pseudo-intellectual, because that would be like having a teen child you have to constantly explain things to but who thinks they know it all. I want an equal partner. There are levels of everything and I need to operate on the same level as my SO. 

I'm quite willing and able to be friends with many people that I would never date. I easily connect with people. My friends are criminals, police detectives, some of the poorest people on planet, billionaires, but most are just ordinary people. My problem with friends is that I am not staying in a single country long enough to make a group of permanent friends and it is hard finding people when in mid 40s. Otherwise, I like spending most of my time alone and can't really socialise much. After a full day of conference and talking to people I feel like I ran a marathon. After three day conference, I regularly get ill when I get back home due to exhaustion from chit chats with people all day long. 

The list I made - I regret posting is as it seems to have triggered some people and I'm sorry if it did.

[Alpacalia]

Stret, kindly, maybe you're just a bit burnt out. Sounds like you've been through a lot and have done a lot for others. It's understandable it's just that sometimes our words can come off as harsh and unkind without realizing it. I hope you can find some peace and relaxation to help recharge your mind and spirit.

[Weezy1973]

On 2/16/2024 at 5:45 PM, Stret said:

You see what I mean? He doesn't exist. 
This reads like requirements for a job…

Not sure why you’re upset about people saying your list is unreasonable if you’re looking for a real, human partner, considering you said the above regarding your list. We’re just agreeing with your own assessment. 

[Beachead]

@Stret

You sound like someone who's grown comfortable on your own.   You're lonely but you're at the point in your life (Because of prior experiences) where you are now largely unwilling to compromise for anyone else.  Your list reflects rigidity. 

Relationships require adaptability and a willingness to put up with bs to some degree but life can wear on us; circumstances out of our control can wear on us.  Crappy people can wear on us.    You mentioned the death of your 2 ex-boyfriends in your 20's.  That would do it.   We only have so much understanding/patience/compassion in our tank to give before it's all burned out.  Once it's gone, it's pretty much gone.  You're at that point.   You may not have enough in you to be adaptable anymore.

If you want a better chance at a good relationship (I am assuming a part of you does), then you'll have to work on this.  If you don't, most, if not all your relationships may fail.  There's no promises with this though as one could be willing to compromise and be a great partner and their relationships could still end, for reasons beyond their control.  Happens everyday.

Not here to tell you what to do, but just to provide you with an external perspective that's objective and based on what I read from your post.

- Beach

Edited February 18, 2024 by Beachead