Tormented please help

[Daisy100]

Last October my husbands routine changed. He kept needing to go out on an afternoon (wfh) to do something that would usually take 20mins. But he’d be gone for over 2 hours at a time this was once every week. I’d ask him why he’d been so long and he’d make up excuses but over time he got irritated when I asked him and made me feel like I was wrong to ask. 
I had a big birthday coming up and hoped/prayed maybe he was planning something for me. There was no surprise for my birthday. 
He works from home and finishes about 6pm. He’s always too busy to do anything else on an afternoon so these 2 plus hours are a massive change. 
as he started to run out of excuses to be going out he came up with more ridiculous reasons - a part for the outside tap - that wasn’t needed urgently - when I pointed this out - he got angry and said you are always going out (shopping/looking after elderly parents) and stormed out. (He came back with the part from a shop 5mins away and didn’t fit the urgent part for days)
Then Xmas it went quiet and for a while in January but then he was off out again for no real reason. 
I at some point started to pick up on signs. The friendly conversations he started having last year with a dog walker. He would come back and tell me what they talked about but he would about other people he met. Recently he has talked about her more. And they walk together sometimes.  They’ve had quite in detail conversations about current affairs that I don’t know how they’ve got time to discuss on the short dog walk. Especially as our dog is reactive and barking most of the time. 

2 weeks ago it all came to a head. And I’ve been in turmoil ever since. He had asked for a flying experience for his birthday which I found odd as it came from nowhere. Just said he wanted to challenge himself and would like to get his pilots licence. I think it was to impress and not me. Our son tracked the flight and we all waited for him to come home to tell him that we saw him fly over our house. We waited and waited- but he’d gone missing again. As the many times before he doesnt answer my calls or text messages on these afternoon outings. But his phone is always on and by his side. 
when he did return home he said that his lesson had been delayed so that was why he was so long. I told him we’d tracked the plane and that he is a liar. He showed our son a photo of him at the airfield with the time showing in his favour. I know you can change dates and times on photos but our son says you can click revert to go to original and it didn’t. So maybe this time wasn’t where he’d gone to be somewhere else, Though I think he called her after/quick visit  to tell her how great he is before coming home to his own family as still some time unaccounted even if his photo is genuine. 
I have confronted him and told him that I know what’s going on. He denies any wrong doing. Told both our sons (I’ve practically had a nervous breakdown so both sons know everything as I had to tell them what’s wrong with me) that sometimes, like they do, he has to get out of the house for a bit and just drive) Bearing in mind he goes on 3 dog walks a day (1 with me) he’s hardly stuck in the house for hours on end. And for the last few years wfh he has never needed these escapes.

i am destroyed by his behaviour. I don’t know what to do from one hour to the next. I want to confront her and I want her husband to know. I haven’t got bullet proof evidence so she’ll no doubt deny it. But maybe she isn’t as strong as him and will breakdown at the thought that I’m going to tell her husband. Or maybe when I tell the husband I find that he has had suspicions and it will validate everything. 
I have tried to get proof but he’s not going anywhere now and I can’t access his phone.

i went to the house where she lives and also to his place of work but they’ve gone away somewhere. I wasn’t going to say anything I don’t think - i don’t know what I’m doing I’m so tired. My husband said to me recently that he’d quite like to go on a cruise. Not much in that but if I tell you that I have asked him in the past to consider a cruise it has been a flat out no. Too crowded, rooms too small.. wouldn’t consider it. I’m pretty sure I will soon find out that she and her husband are indeed away on a cruise. 
if anyone has read all this thank you. 
I am planning a divorce as whatever it is it’s unacceptable behaviour. But our sons tell me I’m wrong that he wouldn’t do that to me. And of course they’d think this, it’s a total shock what’s happening. But I am tormented with it, I really do want that validation of the affair. 
should I confront her? Should I tell the husband? 
all kids involved in this are 18 plus. Please help me.

also as I’ve told you everything I should tell you one last thing - he is impotent - tried viagra a few years ago - didn’t work and though I was totally supportive he has not been intimate with me since. I believe his encounters to be for his ego emotionally and not sexual. He can’t get it it to work properly on his own so not me causing the issue. So I can’t see that after all this time it’s working again. And an emotional affair is bad enough, I can’t bear to think there’s  been sex aswell. 
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. He seems bored and lonely and in severe midlife crisis. However you feel he's having an affair with the dog walker? What  evidence do you have do far?  Who exactly are you confronting about the suspected affair? 

Edited February 14 by Wiseman2

[Daisy100]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He seems bored and lonely and in severe midlife crisis. However you feel he's having an affair with the dog walker? What "bulletproof" evidence do you have do far? 

Nothing bulletproof. Just kept getting bad vibes about her when he mentioned her. Then when I told him I knew who it was he said ok tell me and I’ll tell you if you are right with your suspicions - he denies saying this now. And at the time I felt so stupid to suggest it was her that I walked off. When I eventually did say her name he said don’t be so stupid etc but he went so red and I think looked shocked that I’d worked it out.  

[Daisy100]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He seems bored and lonely and in severe midlife crisis. However you feel he's having an affair with the dog walker? What  evidence do you have do far?  Who exactly are you confronting about the suspected affair? 

yes I think it's a midlife crisis. He has no reason to be lonely. I'd love to go out and do things together but he's not interested. And when I try to make plans for us he isn't interested or tells me to go out with my friends. So I gave up asking.

we are starting marriage therapy to help us with going forward - my idea, he always refused before.

I do everything I can for him but I just seem to irritate him. If I briefly lose the car keys he gets cross like I've lost the whole car. And then I will hear him mutter under his breath bad words about me.

Or if I forget to do something- I've heard him say what an absolute lazy ....when I ask what did you say he'll reply that he never said anything or I wasn't meaning you.
 

I have confronted him and he denies an affair. I now want to confront the dog walker. 

[glows]

I don’t think it’s a good idea to confront anyone. You’re just exposing that you’re utterly losing it and could be completely wrong. It’s not in the best interests of your family or your kids either. Think of the backlash that could hurt them and unnecessary drama. 

I understand you’re hurt and going out of your mind insane not knowing if he’s cheating on you but stop for a second and ask yourself why the hell are you wasting your precious energy on confronting anyone when you know your marriage is already over. It’s like running to get a glass for the glass of milk when all the milk is already on the floor. So useless. 

Please think for a moment and speak with a lawyer in private if you are sincere about divorce. Don’t waste your time. 

[Daisy100]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t think it’s a good idea to confront anyone. You’re just exposing that you’re utterly losing it and could be completely wrong. It’s not in the best interests of your family or your kids either. Think of the backlash that could hurt them and unnecessary drama. 

I understand you’re hurt and going out of your mind insane not knowing if he’s cheating on you but stop for a second and ask yourself why the hell are you wasting your precious energy on confronting anyone when you know your marriage is already over. It’s like running to get a glass for the glass of milk when all the milk is already on the floor. So useless. 

Please think for a moment and speak with a lawyer in private if you are sincere about divorce. Don’t waste your time. 

I know you are right. It’s for our sons. He’s telling  me that I’m mad when he’s clearly been seeing someone . He says I’m ruining everything. I just need to know.

if it helps I know the woman and her husband. I could  speak to him and carefully drop hints to see if he responds - like well no I’m not feeling too great - problems at home you know….

I know I sound mad. But I can’t eat or sleep as he’s lying to me and our sons and I want him outed. 

[Wiseman2]

It's great you are going to marriage therapy. Please wait until you are both in a professional neutral setting with appropriate guidance before you confront people, try to get even or otherwise come across as unhinged. 

Please leave neighbors, friends and family out of it and particularly don't use your sons as weapons. This is between you and your husband. 

[stillafool]

Why don't you walk the dog from now on and watch his response?  Also if you walk the dog you will surprise her and she will get the hint that you know what they are up to.  Even though I said this I agree that it sounds like your marriage is over.  I think that is the root of his impotency, he's fallen out of love.  I'm sorry you're going through this and I can imagine how hurtful it must be.

[BreakOnThrough]

Your endgame won't be achieved, it's simply your confrontation against what either will tell you, which will be nothing.  The core issue is you don't trust your husband, so just divorcing him at this point is best, move one and live your life on your terms.

[mark clemson]

These unaccounted hours and refusal to account for them do seem extremely fishy unfortunately.

While I'm not advising you to do it, if the plan is truly to divorce, then you might be wise to focus on that. Or ask your marriage counselor for help bringing this to an end if you change your mind. 

One path might be to insist he end these daytime outings or insist on going with him. However, if a person is truly determined to cheat, they will probably find a way to. That might not be where your husband is coming from, but TBH from what you write it doesn't look good.

[MsJayne]

Sounds like your suspicions are valid, but I wouldn't assume it's the dog woman and you risk making a fool of yourself if you do confront her. I once had the wife of a male friend "confront" me because she thought I was having an affair with her husband and I understood why, he was dropping around to my place for a beer every Friday afternoon after work, but as I was a former work colleague Friday beers were the norm and other ex-colleagues used to drop in too, so from my POV nothing out of the ordinary, but from his wife's it would have looked suspicious. He was having an affair, but not with me. Go for the marriage counselling, and if it doesn't help, find a good lawyer. 

[Daisy100]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

These unaccounted hours and refusal to account for them do seem extremely fishy unfortunately.

While I'm not advising you to do it, if the plan is truly to divorce, then you might be wise to focus on that. Or ask your marriage counselor for help bringing this to an end if you change your mind. 

One path might be to insist he end these daytime outings or insist on going with him. However, if a person is truly determined to cheat, they will probably find a way to. That might not be where your husband is coming from, but TBH from what you write it doesn't look good.

Thank you. His afternoon outings have completely stopped now since I confronted him. 
But after another long night I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to focus on my future (and I believe the truth will come out in the end).

[Daisy100]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds like your suspicions are valid, but I wouldn't assume it's the dog woman and you risk making a fool of yourself if you do confront her. I once had the wife of a male friend "confront" me because she thought I was having an affair with her husband and I understood why, he was dropping around to my place for a beer every Friday afternoon after work, but as I was a former work colleague Friday beers were the norm and other ex-colleagues used to drop in too, so from my POV nothing out of the ordinary, but from his wife's it would have looked suspicious. He was having an affair, but not with me. Go for the marriage counselling, and if it doesn't help, find a good lawyer. 

Thank you. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Daisy100 said:

His afternoon outings have completely stopped now since I confronted him. 

Wow, and only after a day and a half.  That was quick.  Who walks the dog now?