annie47 Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 We've not been together long but i have never felt this way about anyone before in any of my past relationships. We both expressed at the start that a family was a big thing for us but the last couple days he's got in his head that he can't have kids. When he was with his ex partner they tried for around a year before she cheated on him and fell pregnant with someone else. They never caught or had any scares. He's going to get tested in a few weeks because he cant shift the thought but he has massively pushed me away. I've told him no matter the outcome I'm not going anywhere and we will figure things out together when the time comes to it but he is adamant he will end it for "my benefit". This is not what I want. I want him for him not for a future idea of it. I absolutely willing to stay by him through this there's no doubt. I've tried my best to reassure him but he just pushes me away more. He's not even been for the test yet. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 (edited) Have you thought that perhaps he's using that as an excuse to not settle down? How long have you been together? Does it matter to you if you have children or not? Edited February 13 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 He's feeling inadequacy and pressuring himself to bring something he thinks you want to the table. Also dealing with past trauma. You can’t force him to accept what you say, you can only lay it out for him and leave it up to him to accept or not. You need to give him time and support, and make it clear that you care about him and his feelings, not just the idea of having children with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Unfortunately it's not his responsibility to give you a reason for wanting to put some distance between you that you agree with. Why don't you comply with his request for space and see how he acts after his testing has been completed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 You talked about wanting kids. If he can't have kids that will destroy his self esteem. You may not be able to love him through that. See what the test results show but if it's bad news that may be the death knell for your relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 10 hours ago, annie47 said: I've tried my best to reassure him but he just pushes me away more. He's not even been for the test What l am thinking is he's questionning the relationship. He never worried about being infertile but suddently you are ready to start a family this becomes a make-it or break-it issue?! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 6 hours ago, Gaeta said: What l am thinking is he's questionning the relationship. He never worried about being infertile but suddently you are ready to start a family this becomes a make-it or break-it issue?! I'm guessing this as well. Either that, or there's some severe mental health/anxiety issues going on here, which he would need to get professional help with. He wasn't even bothered enough to get tested before this... but all of a sudden it's a reason to "break up with you for your sake"? Aside from that, even if the results are negative, I don't get his reasoning. Sperm is a dime a dozen - if the woman has healthy eggs and can carry a pregnancy and it's just the man that's infertile, it's trivial and cheap to get a sperm donation. The only reason to NOT get a sperm donation in that situation is if the man doesn't want to raise children that aren't biologically related to him - which is his prerogative to decide, but again, that's all him. None of this is about you or your benefit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 On 2/13/2024 at 8:22 AM, annie47 said: We've not been together long How long have you been together? On 2/13/2024 at 8:22 AM, annie47 said: I've told him no matter the outcome I'm not going anywhere and we will figure things out together when the time comes to it but he is adamant he will end it for "my benefit". As a rule, nobody breaks up with you "for your own good." It's always going to be for their own good. I would dare to say there's never an exception to this rule. In fact it's kinda insulting to your intelligence, imho. It's also really strange that he's so obsessed with his fertility. What does he even mean by "get tested?" There are various types of infertility, and there's no way to conclusively rule out all of them. Even if he has, for example, a low sperm count, that doesn't mean he can't get a woman pregnant. And why the wait of a few weeks? Maybe try and take a little space from this relationship. I know not everyone is spiritual or religious, but I'm a big believer in praying for discernment whenever I'm confused. And if he keeps talking about breaking up with you, don't try and convince him to stay with you. You deserve more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author annie47 Posted February 14 Author Share Posted February 14 He ended things last night. Said we got ahead of ourselves too quickly and he has t had time to process things he needs to. One of those things was this infertility worry, another was his sister wanting him to move to Australia and the third being the breakup with his last ex. I think that 3rd reason is 90% of all of this. The infertility concern is all in his head right now and with no test results and plenty of options out there I think he's played on that to make this easier for himself. The same with Australia. He's told me multiple times that's not something he woukd consider unless he has nothing here for him anymore and his dog isn't around as he wouldn't want to take him being so old. His dog is very much still around. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I'm sorry for your pain. Breakups suck. This guy sounds like a mess. He would move to Australia, except for his dog? This isn't normal for adults. Most people will only move to another country for work, not just because. And his drama about his fertility is really extra. You don't need this chaos. Take some time to heal and think about the good things you want in your future, and how you can get them. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I'm sorry you are hurting but in the long run this break up may be best. He doesn't seem like he was in the right head space to be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 1 hour ago, annie47 said: He ended things last night. Said we got ahead of ourselves too quickly and he has t had time to process things he needs to. One of those things was this infertility worry, another was his sister wanting him to move to Australia and the third being the breakup with his last ex. I think that 3rd reason is 90% of all of this. The infertility concern is all in his head right now and with no test results and plenty of options out there I think he's played on that to make this easier for himself. The same with Australia. He's told me multiple times that's not something he woukd consider unless he has nothing here for him anymore and his dog isn't around as he wouldn't want to take him being so old. His dog is very much still around. I think you are spot on as to why he wanted to end it and it has to do with his ex. The others are just excuses. It's best to know now before you go further. How long ago did they break up? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I am so sorry, breakups are gard, even when necessary. How long were you together? Did he date you right after his ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author annie47 Posted February 14 Author Share Posted February 14 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am so sorry, breakups are gard, even when necessary. How long were you together? Did he date you right after his ex? Ye it was immediately after. We were both having issues with our previous partners and were in the middle of breaking up with them. We work together (which is now highly unfortunate), so we spoke alot and bonded. There was really no time in between the previous relationships it all happened very quickly. For myself personally I knew my previous relationship was over last year so had already processed it. For him he thought he had but obviously not. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 @annie47how are you doing? You're Keeping it together? If you were talking about having children you must have been together a good while? Link to post Share on other sites
Author annie47 Posted February 14 Author Share Posted February 14 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @annie47how are you doing? You're Keeping it together? If you were talking about having children you must have been together a good while? No this is part of the problem we wernt together long at all. 3 months. We've known each other for 12. In that time he went from expressing that he wanted our relationship to be the end game for him and could see himself having it all with me. Children included but everytbing else too. To then switching over night and ending it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 3 months is about the time a rebound last. When he said those things he beleived them because he was in denial after his breakup. It's important for us to identify when people are lying to themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 On 2/13/2024 at 1:22 PM, annie47 said: We've not been together long but i have never felt this way about anyone before in any of my past relationships. We both expressed at the start that a family was a big thing for us but the last couple days he's got in his head that he can't have kids. When he was with his ex partner they tried for around a year before she cheated on him and fell pregnant with someone else. They never caught or had any scares. He's going to get tested in a few weeks because he cant shift the thought but he has massively pushed me away. I've told him no matter the outcome I'm not going anywhere and we will figure things out together when the time comes to it but he is adamant he will end it for "my benefit". This is not what I want. I want him for him not for a future idea of it. I absolutely willing to stay by him through this there's no doubt. I've tried my best to reassure him but he just pushes me away more. He's not even been for the test yet. What he went through was fairly traumatic. All you can do is support him but he may not be ready to commit to you after what he went though with his previous partner. You have to look after yourself also and if you feel taken for granted with no real possibility of change you may have to let him go. It's tough but it would be a better outcome than a loving relationship turning toxic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 On 2/14/2024 at 12:45 PM, annie47 said: No this is part of the problem we wernt together long at all. 3 months. We've known each other for 12. In that time he went from expressing that he wanted our relationship to be the end game for him and could see himself having it all with me. Well this is the problem. You shouldn't have been talking about children at 3 months of dating. Relationships that move that fast usually end just as fast as they began. It's not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 On 2/14/2024 at 12:38 PM, annie47 said: We were both having issues with our previous partners and were in the middle of breaking up with them. I kinda think this is where the problem started. Just an observation--a lot of time when a man says he's "in the process of breaking up with someone," there actually is no breakup happening at all. He had a girlfriend when you first started talking, and probably still does. Did he live with her? If so, where does he live now? Quote work together (which is now highly unfortunate), so we spoke alot and bonded. Whatever he spoke to you about or you bonded over--it may or may not even be true. It just seems like this relationship was heavy on the promises and emotions and not so much on action and follow-through. Please avoid him at work. He will probably try to act like you're friends in order to keep you on the back burner. The whole "I need to break up with you because I believe I'm infertile, even though I don't know it for a fact, but I'm about to get tested, and you deserve so much more" thing is so cringe and gaslight-y. And I highly doubt he's just "not over" the ex. The simplest most obvious explanation is that he's had a girlfriend this whole time and been cheating on her with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 It sounds like he clearly has something things he need to work through before he is ready for another relationship. I know it’s not what you wanted, but you will need to let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
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