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Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy


AGrPerson

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AGrPerson

I've been dating a guy I met on dating apps for about 3 weeks.

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date. He also set some boundaries like we won't be talking, or going out with other people.

During our first date he said that after a month it would be a good time to start a relationship with each other. All these happened consistently during the first week (compliments, texting and calling).

After the first week ended he started being inconsistent about his texting, cutting conversations abruptly, replying late or never replying. When I confronted him about that he didn't want to discuss it, and after pressuring him he said that that's his communication style. He would also make simple promises and never keep them.

He stopped making compliments and future talking. He would prioritize everything else (friends, activities, hobbies) and if and when he had time we would talk with each other. He would also do other things while talking on the phone with me.

The worst thing happened when we planned our third (and last) date and he got asleep and never came to the date. That's when I decided I had enough and told him to break up. He said that he is sad and that he wanted us to stay together, but he didn't seem sad at all.

The problem is I'm thinking about the first week and what could have been and that makes me depressed and sad to the point that I want to text him... It was my first attempt to date someone. I would like some advice on how to cope with my feelings. It would be nice if you could offer examples of similar situations you've been in and how you got over them. Thank you in advance.

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Alpacalia

Give yourself time to let the infatuations you had experienced to wear off.

Time will certainly make things better, and soon you'll see that it was a good way you got away from him.

The hurting silence he showed showed that he was emotionally dead towards the relationship after his initial phase of infatuation has ended. He only started inconsistency in the second week to protect himself from committing to someone he had not developed feelings for.

He could not match your investments and never had any intention of.

Be thankful he never got the opportunity to hurt you more, and soon you'll see that he was not the person you thought he was.

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2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

The problem is I'm thinking about the first week and what could have been

"What it could have been" is you sticking with a guy who doesn't keep his promises.  The rest was him spinning a fairytale.

Be glad that he showed his true colours this early on instead of taking six months or a year to do it.

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Ohhh sweetie! This is just the start! Dating can be brutal. You have to keep in mind a few basics, when it's too good to be true, it is. Men coming on very strong with expression of feelings and showering you with compliments have nothing good to offer you. It's called lovebombing, please look it up.

You bet it happenned to me and the first time someone did that to me l was very disappointed but then l got some tough skin and did not let it happenbed to me again. Before l start investing feelings in someone l  observe his words and actions, and wait to see if he means what he says. Time is very important in dating. Give it time.

When l got disappointed over someone l dated l pampered myseld. I went to the hairstylist, got a new dress, spent time with my friends and family. I reminded myself when l meet the right man l will be glad l did not hang on to the wrong one.

Please don't contact him, he's a stranger, you don't miss him, he was not even nice to you. you miss what could have been. You'll have that with someone else.

Edited by Gaeta
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ExpatInItaly
5 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date.

Oh, no, no, no. 

This is nuts. That should have been your clue that this man was not playing with a full deck. Stay away from the ones who act like this. It's not how a mature adult behaves, and it's always a bad sign. 

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5 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

I've been dating a guy I met on dating apps for about 3 weeks.

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date. He also set some boundaries like we won't be talking, or going out with other people.

During our first date he said that after a month it would be a good time to start a relationship with each other. All these happened consistently during the first week (compliments, texting and calling).

After the first week ended he started being inconsistent about his texting, cutting conversations abruptly, replying late or never replying. 

OP, anyone can say anything. That's why we don't simply take someone at their word, especially a stranger. We measure people's words against their actions over the long term, and that's how we know what they're really about.

Anyone who makes big promises before he even meets you and gets to know you and who anticipates hitting major relationship milestones like meeting your parents before he even knows if you are truly right for each other is lying.

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AGrPerson
9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Give yourself time to let the infatuations you had experienced to wear off.

Time will certainly make things better, and soon you'll see that it was a good way you got away from him.

The hurting silence he showed showed that he was emotionally dead towards the relationship after his initial phase of infatuation has ended. He only started inconsistency in the second week to protect himself from committing to someone he had not developed feelings for.

He could not match your investments and never had any intention of.

Be thankful he never got the opportunity to hurt you more, and soon you'll see that he was not the person you thought he was.

Thank you for your reply! I will follow your suggestion. Hope to stop thinking about him soon.

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AGrPerson
8 hours ago, basil67 said:

"What it could have been" is you sticking with a guy who doesn't keep his promises.  The rest was him spinning a fairytale.

Be glad that he showed his true colours this early on instead of taking six months or a year to do it.

Thank you for your reply! Yeah it's definitely better that he showed who he is early. I just can't get him out of my head...

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Alpacalia
2 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Thank you for your reply! I will follow your suggestion. Hope to stop thinking about him soon.

You will. X

Now that that's out of the way, can you ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be so susceptive to this guy? Why did you consider him a keeper? And at all.

This guy definitely exhibited red flags from the beginning.

Figure out what in you led to you being so enthralled by this guy and being willing to overlook or minimize his negative behaviors. It could be a combination of factors like being inexperienced with dating, needing validation and attention, or simply being hopeful for a relationship. Once you're aware of your motivations, make sure to address and work on them to avoid falling into similar situations in the future.

Edited by Alpacalia
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AGrPerson
8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Ohhh sweetie! This is just the start! Dating can be brutal. You have to keep in mind a few basics, when it's too good to be true, it is. Men coming on very strong with expression of feelings and showering you with compliments have nothing good to offer you. It's called lovebombing, please look it up.

You bet it happenned to me and the first time someone did that to me l was very disappointed but then l got some tough skin and did not let it happenbed to me again. Before l start investing feelings in someone l  observe his words and actions, and wait to see if he means what he says. Time is very important in dating. Give it time.

When l got disappointed over someone l dated l pampered myseld. I went to the hairstylist, got a new dress, spent time with my friends and family. I reminded myself when l meet the right man l will be glad l did not hang on to the wrong one.

Please don't contact him, he's a stranger, you don't miss him, he was not even nice to you. you miss what could have been. You'll have that with someone else.

Thank you for your reply! I'm glad you were able to toughen up and stop falling for this kind of attitude!

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AGrPerson
5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, no, no, no. 

This is nuts. That should have been your clue that this man was not playing with a full deck. Stay away from the ones who act like this. It's not how a mature adult behaves, and it's always a bad sign. 

Thank you for your reply! Yeah, he seemed too good to be true. Don't know what his motives were though.

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AGrPerson
4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You will. X

Now that that's out of the way, can you ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be so susceptive to this guy? Why did you consider him a keeper? And at all.

This guy definitely exhibited red flags from the beginning.

Figure out what in you led to you being so enthralled by this guy and being willing to overlook or minimize his negative behaviors. It could be a combination of factors like being inexperienced with dating, needing validation and attention, or simply being hopeful for a relationship. Once you're aware of your motivations, make sure to address and work on them to avoid falling into similar situations in the future.

I think all of the things you said were factors that constituted on me overlooking his negative behaviours. In addition my low self-esteem and that I get easily emotionally attached to people.

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AGrPerson
5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's very insincere and phoney. Please don't go back for cheap future talk and flattery. 

Thank you for your reply! I think I know what to look out for from now on.

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AGrPerson
5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, anyone can say anything. That's why we don't simply take someone at their word, especially a stranger. We measure people's words against their actions over the long term, and that's how we know what they're really about.

Anyone who makes big promises before he even meets you and gets to know you and who anticipates hitting major relationship milestones like meeting your parents before he even knows if you are truly right for each other is lying.

Thank you for your reply! His behaviour was definitely concerning, but he might have been too infatuated and not lying I think.

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I think you do know what his motives were. You seem to want to pretend his motivation was to wisk you away like Prince Charming, because that's your preferred narrative but deep down you know he was hustling to get to the bedroom and that's less palatable for you. 

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Alpacalia
39 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I think all of the things you said were factors that constituted on me overlooking his negative behaviours. In addition my low self-esteem and that I get easily emotionally attached to people.

The good news is that you put an end to it after he stood up for your last date. When people come in this strong it's often an attempt to hook someone with promises that they don't intend to keep once they've had their needs met.

In other words, he was likely building you up with the hopes that you would sleep with him. The sudden drop off in the communication lends support to that theory as well.

Of course, I am just guessing here. But when plans are suddenly changed, when a guy starts doing nothing more than casually texting you like he has no investment in anything bigger than watching paint dry, it was almost always his motivation from the beginning.

You would be wise to accept the lesson, say thanks but no thanks and move on.

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d0nnivain
12 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

The problem is I'm thinking about the first week and what could have been and that makes me depressed and sad to the point that I want to text him... It was my first attempt to date someone. I would like some advice on how to cope with my feelings. It would be nice if you could offer examples of similar situations you've been in and how you got over them. Thank you in advance.

He may have been your 1st but he won't be your last.  

What happened to you is called "love bombing" .  This guy initially said what seemed like all the right things.  I say seemed like because as pretty & sweet as all that talk of the future was, it was all lies.  He was saying anything & everything he thought you wanted to hear so you would have sex with him.   

Going forward whenever a new person says too many "right" things too early, especially before the date, anybody who talks farther into the future then a week or two initially consider those to be "red flags."  See them as the lies they are & be very cautious of people who talk like that.   They can speak in the future about themselves -- I want to go back to school or someday I'd like to travel to [location] -- but when they add you into the mix & say things like "we should go on vacation next summer" that is too much too soon.  It's not good.  

 

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

I think all of the things you said were factors that constituted on me overlooking his negative behaviours. In addition my low self-esteem and that I get easily emotionally attached to people.

Don't overlook negative behaviors.  You can weigh them against the good & see how things come out on balance but if those negatives are your dealbreakers don't let stuff slide early.  

What are you doing to work on your self esteem & to learn to be more cautious to not get so attached so easily?  Work on those things so this doesn't happen again.  When you love yourself more it will be easier to stay reserved & allow a new person to gradually prove themselves worthy of you.  

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AGrPerson
2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The good news is that you put an end to it after he stood up for your last date. When people come in this strong it's often an attempt to hook someone with promises that they don't intend to keep once they've had their needs met.

In other words, he was likely building you up with the hopes that you would sleep with him. The sudden drop off in the communication lends support to that theory as well.

Of course, I am just guessing here. But when plans are suddenly changed, when a guy starts doing nothing more than casually texting you like he has no investment in anything bigger than watching paint dry, it was almost always his motivation from the beginning.

You would be wise to accept the lesson, say thanks but no thanks and move on.

So, you think that he wasn't serious about me from the start, and that he only wanted to hook me in order to tailor our communication to his terms?

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AGrPerson
2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I think you do know what his motives were. You seem to want to pretend his motivation was to wisk you away like Prince Charming, because that's your preferred narrative but deep down you know he was hustling to get to the bedroom and that's less palatable for you. 

I don't think that his motives were to get me to the bedroom, because he said to me that he wants to get to know the other person first before getting intimate with them. He could have wanted to rush into a relationship though.

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AGrPerson
1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He may have been your 1st but he won't be your last.  

What happened to you is called "love bombing" .  This guy initially said what seemed like all the right things.  I say seemed like because as pretty & sweet as all that talk of the future was, it was all lies.  He was saying anything & everything he thought you wanted to hear so you would have sex with him.   

Going forward whenever a new person says too many "right" things too early, especially before the date, anybody who talks farther into the future then a week or two initially consider those to be "red flags."  See them as the lies they are & be very cautious of people who talk like that.   They can speak in the future about themselves -- I want to go back to school or someday I'd like to travel to [location] -- but when they add you into the mix & say things like "we should go on vacation next summer" that is too much too soon.  It's not good.  

 

Don't overlook negative behaviors.  You can weigh them against the good & see how things come out on balance but if those negatives are your dealbreakers don't let stuff slide early.  

What are you doing to work on your self esteem & to learn to be more cautious to not get so attached so easily?  Work on those things so this doesn't happen again.  When you love yourself more it will be easier to stay reserved & allow a new person to gradually prove themselves worthy of you.  

Yeah, the future talking was absurd, he was even talking about things that would happen at least 2 years later from now. But he seemed sincere so I fell for it. 

I'm considering going to therapy in order to work on my low self esteem and me getting emotionally attached easily to people.

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d0nnivain
23 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm considering going to therapy in order to work on my low self esteem and me getting emotionally attached easily to people.

That's a good idea.  You can also read books on the subject.  

I wish you well on that journey of self improvement.  

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stillafool
14 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

During our first date he said that after a month it would be a good time to start a relationship with each other.

Isn't it surprising that he had made all of these plans for the 2 of you and then on your first date he dialed it back to not getting in a relationship until after a month?  I think after you two met he started losing interest but was too much of a coward to say so.  Whatever he had built up in his mind wasn't there for him in person so he started backing away.  That's okay because there are plenty of fish in the sea.  In the future do not let guys just love bomb you.  Tell them they're going too fast and to slow down.  They are under the impression that every girl is pinning for a relationship.  

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ShyViolet
14 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date. He also set some boundaries like we won't be talking, or going out with other people.

These should have all been major red flags to you.  It is not normal or appropriate for someone to do and say all this to someone they literally just met online and haven't had a first date with yet.  It's no surprise that this whole thing ended just as fast as it began.  You need to develop better judgment and not let someone "love bomb" you like this.

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@AGrPerson

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 I would like some advice on how to cope with my feelings. It would be nice if you could offer examples of similar situations you've been in and how you got over them. 

The last person I dated said "I love you" and about 3 weeks later, was back with her ex.  She eventually married the guy and moved to the other side of the country.  It was very difficult. Similar to what you went though, while we were together, she talked about a future.  Talked about kids.  Serious things.  But her behavior was too sporadic and unreliable.  I had a very difficult time settling my anxiety down because of that unreliability.  

Granted, she wasn't over her ex, and I came to realize that eventually, so I was the one who reluctantly broke it off and told her to go figure it out.  Really, I never should have dated her but "What if I don't?" was lingering in my head.  I had past regrets from not trying so I went for it.  

In retrospect, we both made errors but I take full responsibility for putting myself in that situation.   Took awhile to heal but I can look back and see how it contributed to the wealth of life experiences that help me stay away from situations like that now.

Talk is cheap OP.    In reality, relationships build with time; going through life together; failing together, going through embarrassing moments together.  Seeing eachother at your worst and learning to be okay with it.  Being in the trenches together is how you build trust and loyalty.  Anyone who tries to fast track this natural process will learn the hard way.

Coping strategies

Remove his number from your phone and anything that reminds you of him.  When you get it out of your sight, it'll eventually leave your mind.  With a short duration situation like this,  a month or two should help.   Anything longer than that, may be more about what's going on with you on a deeper level which is its own matter.  If your pain makes you want to contact him, write a journal instead, saying everything you want to say.

Don't date to forget the previous guy.  That's a habit you don't want to practice yourself into.  Doesn't allow you to really delve into yourself.  Solitude is important in healing.

- Beach

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