I want to disappear

[Yuka16]

Hi just now that my English is not that good but I want to tell my story and I need a feedback. When I was 7 or 8 my parents separated. I was young and didn’t understand what’s going on. But as I got older it influenced me a lot. I have a big brother he is now 19 years old and he did bad things. My family doesn’t do actions what he did and give him many chances. I thought always that was he did is wrong and I’m better than him but now i realize that I’m not better than him. I was today in city and was in New Yorker. I needed a belt and it was just 4 € I had the money but I didn’t want to spend my money because I didn’t have much. So I stoled it but I was caught than. Now I’m banned from the house for the rest of my life. I think I did this because my mom has not much many so we are poor. So that is why I did this. My mom was really angry at me and really disappointed to me. She trusted me that I’m not like my brother what he did. But i disappointed her. My brother stoled money from my Grandparents that’s why they are all disappointed from him. Now I did something like that and it’s not better what he did. Right now just my mother now this that this happened and I told her that she should please not tell to the others what I did. Because I’m really hating myself and disappointed to myself.

 

This happened today on 07.02.24. ( I’m 16 years old) 

But this is not the end of my story. After my parents divorced I came back to Germany to begin my life from fornt. Everything was new. New School. New home. And new friends. When I did go to the new school I was the new student and it was bad because I was always left outend got bullied. I hated it but I couldn’t do anything to that. After three years I got to a new school and this was a little bit better but not better than before. I was still left out in the two three years. I got than a really good friend and I was happy but at home it was stressfully. I’m coming from a Turkish family and if you are a gurl than you have to do the house cleaning so you have to help at that. I needed to focus to school of homework and exams but when I always study I was always interrupted. That was really annoying. My Mom could ask my brother because he was always on playing games but no she came always to me to help her with house work. That was actually the thing when I realized that I needed may dad but he wasn’t here. I didn’t now what to do I was just in the end of my life. I’m actually a little bit overweight. When I always go to shopping whit my mom I had the problem that nothing fits to me, My mom was a little bit upset and told me in a badly way that I should lose weight. I was young and I hated that she said that to me. I began to hate myself and did Self-harm. But it wasn’t just her fault I was just that it was to much on me. My brother always annoys me but not normally likeother families his annoyance always got to the point where we hit or insulted each other. But when I annoyed him a little bit he always hit me. And when he always insulted me he always called me fat or a pig. I hate myself that I’m overweight but I’m not that strong enough to lose the weight. I’m not hurting myself anymore. But what I did so that stealing thing was really stupid from me. Sometimes I wish I was never born. This was not all of my story I think I have a little bit more but right now I’m really tired and don’t now what I should do. I just want to disappear and never come back. 

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry.   Being a teenager can be very tough & if you are overweight that can cause self consciousness.  It's cruel for people to mention your weight. 

Everybody goes through stressful periods & wants to disappear at times.  The trick is to keep going.   You need good outlets to help you cope when you are upset.  Journaling can help.  Write down your feelings.  Keeping a gratitude list can help you see the good things in your life.  Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for & one compliment to yourself.   Once a week read the list.  The good things don't have to be profound but they can be.  My dog makes my list a lot.  Exercise can be great outlet because you get endorphins (think "runners' high")  

If you have a teacher at school you can confide in ask that person for help

 

Please do not kill yourself.  If you feel that bad call or text a suicide prevention hotline.  In the US dial 988

Edited February 7 by d0nnivain

[MsJayne]

So sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Please don't be too hard on yourself about stealing the belt, you've learned a lesson from it and I doubt you'll do it again, so don't make it bigger than it is. I think the more pressing issue is that your home life sounds very tough. Your mother should be supporting and encouraging you to do well in school, not interrupting your study. Expecting you to help around the house is normal, but stopping you from studying isn't, and I can understand how annoying it would be to be doing housework while your brother sits there playing online games. If you have a school counsellor I suggest making the time to go and have a chat with them, in your current state of mind you need some proper support and you might be surprised how caring and helpful they will be. Given your background I'm surprised you don't already check in with a student liaison officer at your school as far as your integration goes, from your post I can't tell how long you've been at your current school or how long in the US, (or Germany, I'm a bit confused as to your location). Most of all, you have to tell someone how you're feeling, if not a school counsellor, then a doctor who can refer you for support. You shouldn't be feeling so isolated and distressed in your home, you have a right to a safe and loving environment, and that includes being supported in your education and ambitions. Stealing a belt doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a normal teenage girl who made a silly mistake. Do you have a relationship with your father? Is it a possibility that you could live with him? 

[S2B]

It’s important to understand that your actions represent who you are.

there’s no value in comparing you with your brother. That’s not useful.

just try to be a good person. If you need money then get a part time job and work hard to save money. Buy yourself some things you may need each month after you save.

do this for yourself and your future.