labElectric01 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 Hello there, I'm M/36 and married for 8years with F/32. We have 2 daughters. Last month she mentioned me how hers boss offered her to sleep with him in same room on their business party trip. She told me she thought that he is joking, as it was done in front of one more colleague which is on same level boss but for another department (at that time they were having after party in his room ). She is really good looking, smart, cute , outgoing woman. Until this issue I hadn't any questions about hers infidelity or something like that. That happened in Mid November last year, in Dec (she got called by him to wish merry x-mas which was very odd even to her) they don't work in same town, and he is not directly supervisor to her, he is boss of hers boss and they don't have any close tasks or something. Few days later , he was on holidays, and he sent her message about how is just thinking about coming to branch office where she is working. She mentioned me all of this after we smoke one blunt as it is our regular relaxation once/twice per month after kids goes to bed. That was really weird to me, as she is telling me everything about her work, job, colleagues...more than I really want to know honestly. I have asked her what she replied him on this message while he was out of office and statement about "just thinking about coming to your office" she told me she just wrote something like " Ha ha , lol, and we need to talk about this project...what is going on" and that's all...first red flag I have never checked her or something like that, and I m not jealous kind of guy. But next night I took her phone to check those messages by myself, firstly to see if his attentions were like I was thinking. But I have found nothing, for last month in their correspondence, if there as anything it was deleted. HMMMMMMMM....... second red flag. That is totally not her to hide something, as she is really straightforward person. Next night I took her phone again as I couldn't believe and I knew I'm missing something. I opened her photos and found she took screenshots of their conversation, I took pictures of that messages ( HE : I m just thinking about to come to your town/office, SHE: Yes, we need to talk about this project, and of course we need to hang out ((I know they are hanging out together with others from team after work, drinking beer etc.)) If I saw those messages before I wouldn't have any special reaction, but knowing that she deleted them..hmmm. Tomorrow morning I confronted her about my findings, of course she is talking about missunderstanding about this all situation, how she deleted those messages because some other coworker(friend) who asked her about this boss and she told him they didn't have any conversation lately. (???)weak argument in my opinion. I was pissed about this situation for 10 days and barely speak with her... I have not pleasant situation at work at this time, so all of this situation is worse to me. I took her phone again and did ¸bigger research photos etc. I found her photos 1y and 1.5y old, almost nude photos. As her husband I haven't received those photos, also she is type of woman who doesn't take even regular selfies...she doesn't like any taking photos, she is not active on social media etc. I have asked her about those photos, she replied that she didn't send those picture to anyone, just for her private collection. HMMMMM...... Our relationship was excellent, sex life amazing.... we are working in same profession, she got some leading role as she is really hard working and smart... but our monthly wages are almost the same, and she didn't ever showed any possible dissatisfaction about me or our marriage. I'm not perfect husband, I had some faults in the past but nothing too serious. I think Im very good father to our kids also, doing lot of things around house (cooking, cleaning, playing with kids...) but husband I can be better... I can't stop thinking what she is hiding from me, I'm really pissed last few week about all this situation, and even trying to take some free time from her and rent another apartment to sum up all of this things. I will do this even earlier but we have our kids.... Don't know how to proceed next in this situation. Honestly I don't think she had physical affair with someone, but some sexting could be... and I want to know. I dont trust her anymore, and I think I need to end this marriage because of that.... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 First, I think it is odd that he would make such a blatant proposal in front of other people. Where I live, that’s grounds for a sexual harassment claim and dismissal. One would think, if he had any common sense or values his job, he would not be announcing his intentions to the world. And second, the fact that she hasn’t shut this down is a real red flag. Again, I don’t know where you live/work, but she could take this to HR and it would be done. The fact that she hasn’t done that says a lot… Link to post Share on other sites
Author labElectric01 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: First, I think it is odd that he would make such a blatant proposal in front of other people. Where I live, that’s grounds for a sexual harassment claim and dismissal. One would think, if he had any common sense or values his job, he would not be announcing his intentions to the world. And second, the fact that she hasn’t shut this down is a real red flag. Again, I don’t know where you live/work, but she could take this to HR and it would be done. The fact that she hasn’t done that says a lot… I think bringing up this to HR can be maybe too much, but I think first thing about this she could shut this at first. Second thing, next day in the morning to call me and to tell me everything not 2 months later... Again I m not jealous type of guy, so she knows that I will not do any impulsive reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 I don't think she is cheating on you but she does have weak boundaries. Her failure to shut down her boss hard about his inappropriate comments & behaviors is making him think she likes the attention. It is not about trusting her. You can trust her. You need to empower her to tell this guy off. Many women were socially conditioned to do what she is doing -- nothing in the hopes that the guy will give up & go away. That never works; it just emboldens the guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author labElectric01 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I don't think she is cheating on you but she does have weak boundaries. Her failure to shut down her boss hard about his inappropriate comments & behaviors is making him think she likes the attention. It is not about trusting her. You can trust her. You need to empower her to tell this guy off. Many women were socially conditioned to do what she is doing -- nothing in the hopes that the guy will give up & go away. That never works; it just emboldens the guys. I don't want to tell her that, if she don't want to do that, then I have simple choice...but can't figure why she lied me about this pictures and messages... there is something more Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 She didn't lie as in intentionally & maliciously hide this from you. It is something she deals with but it's not that important to her. A jerk at work, especially a boss, is not something women tell their husband's or SOs about because it only enrages the husband / SO. As bad as the situation is, dealing with a pissed off SO just adds to the problem. Plus some men want to go charging into work like it's a bar to defend their woman. That makes everything worse & endangers her job because then she is seen as somebody who can't handle her own business. Talk to her. Don't accuse. Empower her. She doesn't have to confront the guy but you would do well to make sure she knows she can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author labElectric01 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: She didn't lie as in intentionally & maliciously hide this from you. It is something she deals with but it's not that important to her. A jerk at work, especially a boss, is not something women tell their husband's or SOs about because it only enrages the husband / SO. As bad as the situation is, dealing with a pissed off SO just adds to the problem. Plus some men want to go charging into work like it's a bar to defend their woman. That makes everything worse & endangers her job because then she is seen as somebody who can't handle her own business. Talk to her. Don't accuse. Empower her. She doesn't have to confront the guy but you would do well to make sure she knows she can. She knows that If she came to me I will give her good advice, when I asked her more about this with her boss, she started to saying "no, i dont think he is into me" but from man perspective it is obivious. You dont invite another girl to your room just from joke or something..... I think she is good with that he wants to have something with her ( he is married and older) and from her earlier stories about him he is not just jerk from office, he is good boss, who solved some of her issues before and he put her as team leader few months ago (she deserved it). Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 He can be a good boss & a creepy pig at the same time. I think you can trust HER. He may a snake but that is not on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author labElectric01 Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 43 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He can be a good boss & a creepy pig at the same time. I think you can trust HER. He may a snake but that is not on her. I understand your point, but from my point of view she doesn't see like that he is creepy pig...she would end this on first comment. We are together since high school and I know her very well. When we have an argue she will do anything to stop.... but this time she didn't apologize at all... few times when we talked she "attack" me how I can not to believe to her funny and week story, and dropping some "my mistakes" from past which are totally irrelevant to this story. To sum up, she is not giving me whole story about this and not sure how can I trust her right now... She said that she told her close friends about this argue and everyone were in shocked how I reacted, so I came here for second opinion as I don't want to discuss with my real life friend about this issue at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 Let me put it this way: if the roles were reversed, would your wife be laughing it off? I doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 I think you are making a huge mountain out of a molehill here TBH. There's no evidence your wife has done anything but put up graciously with some mild (but real) sexual harassment from this boss. Something she probably has little choice but to do because he's her boss and telling him to buzz off can have consequences. If it turns out I'm wrong, I'm wrong but from what you've written so far at least, not only is there no fire, there's very little smoke. Meanwhile you are assuming the worst, (and TBQH) acting like a sulky child, and contemplating divorce. I'm not going to advise you to divorce, but if you do decide to go forward with that (again TBQH) it might HER who's better off. Link to post Share on other sites
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