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Feeling insecure about my gf who is traveling alone for 2 months


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JohnGoober

I met a woman from Taiwan who was on a working holiday visa in Australia few months ago. She had trouble catching up with the group so I always made sure I waited for her so she wouldn’t get lost. If I did not attend the hiking events, she would reach out to me to ask me why I didn’t attend the hike. She then asked me for my number and we started to hangout outside the group. She told me finds it hard to connect with people, make friends and maintain friends and I’m the only she felt a connection with and also because I did not try to flirt with her or sleep with her. Likewise, she has reached out to other people too - I suppose to make friends or find a boyfriend?

 

We also started to go on our hikes, just the two of us. Everytime I met her, we would end up spending 10-15 hours together and this happened almost every weekend. For the first 2 months of our hangouts. She and I have so much in common when it comes to hobbies, life values, the things we like and dislike. Whenever we did meet, our meetings always extended because neither of us wanted to part ways. Ever since I met her 5 months ago, we’ve consistently spent 1-3 times a week together.

 

What changed our relationship was going on a 2 week vacation with her where we hiked, watched the new year fireworks, cooked together.  We both took care of the chores equally without having to tell each other what to do and we did not have to argue about anything even though we discussed how we’d handle if we had a fight. Initially, we barely had the courage to hold each other’s hands but would give each other massage every night. This escalated and one night, we ended up having sex. I thought it was going to be a one-night stand thing but since then, we have been having sex every time we meet. Furthermore, she started to hold hands, give me kisses on the cheek. When I didn’t hold her hands in front of others, she asked me why. I did not do that because we never discussed about it.

 

She also started to spend many nights at my place and even moved in to live with me for almost 3 weeks before she left for travelling. We pretty much acted like a couple and one day, I asked her what she thinks about our relationship to which she replied “ It depends on you”. I expressed my feelings and told her that I have feelings for her but I would not want to stop her from living her life. She then asked me “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend” to which I said yes and she said she would love to be my girlfriend. The very next day, she introudced me to her friends and co-workers that I’m her boyfriend. She told me this is her first real relationship and also told me that she loves me. She admires me because I came here as an immigrant, got my residency, a good job, and everything that she aspires.

 

Unfortunately, she had to leave to another country as her visa was about to end. We discussed about the challenges involved in long distance relationship and told each other we would make this work. She has gone to Europe to travel for a month and then to South East Asia, alone. This is her very first time travelling by herself. She also told me she’s travelling to other countries to assess whether she can live permanently. She has lived in 3 different countries in the last 3 years.

 

She  also told me she has low self esteem and has trouble making connections. She doesn’t even have any contact with her family anymore. When I asked her about her previous relationships or hookups, she told me she never had a real relationship but had many hookups several years ago. She doesn’t mind having casual sex with strangers from dating apps. I learned from her friend that she especially loves white men and thinks they’re superior yet she agreed to be in relationship with me as Im Indian (maybe until she meets the guy she wants?). She also had a FWB with someone for over a year where she liked him but he didn’t like her back. She told me she tried to win him over for 2 years but he rejected her. She also doesn’t mind when strangers kiss her in a bar and when I asked why, she said “That’s why people go to bar, to have fun”. There have been instances where she rejected men trying to hook up with her. She told me not to worry and that she wouldn’t meet anyone for sex but I have no choice but to trust her blindly. She also tries to meet a lot of foreign men to learn English or possibly for hookups.

 

She also has no relationship with her family. Her father treated her poorly, possibly abused her and showed more attention towards her sibling. As a result, she treated her family badly and resented them. There werre also violent with each other and she told me something bad happened last year and she ran away from them. She also never wants to visit her hometown again because of her family. I suppose this is why she has no boundaries, has a lot of casual sex, proactively reaches out to other men for friendship or sex regardless of their age or their marital status. Or, maybe for validation and attention.

 

She told me she is serious about comitting with me, wants to travel to my country to meet my parents, wants to be with me after gaining work experience in Taiwan, and make this relationship work.

 

TL;Dr - Met a women from Taiwan several months ago, we became frriends, started acting like a couple, I asked her out to be my gf before she was about to leave the country and she agreed. She has No connection with her family, has had a lot of casual hookups, reaches out to a lot of men, never had a relationship in her life, is traveling alone for 2 months and I’m worried if she will end up having casual sex.

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d0nnivain

She's clearly a free spirit who likes to wander.  She has never had deep connections which is something to be concerned about.  That doesn't mean she will cheat but it may mean that she is incapable of monogamy.  Until she's ready to settle down I don't see this working out.  

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I was going to tell you not to worry until you mentioned that she likes to move around and she has had a series of casual hookups. I mean, only time will tell but I wouldn’t plan on this being a committed long term relationship if I was you… 

 

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You've listed a lot of issues here but are skirting around the main fact: she doesn't have the legal right to live in your country. Even if she wasn't travelling by herself, she still wouldn't be in your country. And there doesn't seem to be a plan between the two of you to fix that.

I don't see why you're doing all the mental somersaults when it's obvious that it's not going to work unless something changes massively. Just accept it for what it is - a nice fling - and move on.

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42 minutes ago, Els said:

You've listed a lot of issues here but are skirting around the main fact: she doesn't have the legal right to live in your country. Even if she wasn't travelling by herself, she still wouldn't be in your country. And there doesn't seem to be a plan between the two of you to fix that.

Absolutely. 

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ExpatInItaly

It seems like a very long shot that this relationship will work out in the end. Her lifetyle is not exactly conducive to settling down and committing to you. Not at this time, anyway. 

For context, can I ask how old both of you are? 

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Is she wanting Australian residency? I’d be wary of that. I’d also be wary of her belief that white people are superior, it shows appalling judgment, shallow values, and possibly a lack of intelligence. 

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JohnGoober
6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Is she wanting Australian residency? I’d be wary of that. I’d also be wary of her belief that white people are superior, it shows appalling judgment, shallow values, and possibly a lack of intelligence. 

She does want to move to an English speaking country. She has gone to London to spend 10 days there to see if she can consider that but I told clearly that if she makes such a decision, she should let me know and she did tell me when she decides to move, she would come to Australia instead. We also discussed of closing distance within 2 years and not more than that. 

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JohnGoober
6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It seems like a very long shot that this relationship will work out in the end. Her lifetyle is not exactly conducive to settling down and committing to you. Not at this time, anyway. 

For context, can I ask how old both of you are? 

I am 31, she is 30. She did tell me she would like to settle in one country only and that she has always wanted to travel to Europe and SE Asia. She will be gone for 2 months and then visit me in my country and I plan to visit her in her country. 

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JohnGoober
13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I was going to tell you not to worry until you mentioned that she likes to move around and she has had a series of casual hookups. I mean, only time will tell but I wouldn’t plan on this being a committed long term relationship if I was you… 

 

I am not sure how many casual hookups she has had, she tells me 5-6 many years ago but I find it hard to believe since her view of sex is "I don't mind having sex, its just sex" and she has no emotional attachment to sex. She doesn't sleep with every guy she meets. She has assured me that she won't be doing that, has introduced me to her close friends already and tells me she wants to learn how to be in relationship but she always goes out late at night and that kind of makes me worry. 

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Frankly, you sound incompatible. And it also sounds like you're planning things out for the next two years when you don't even have the foundation right. Most of us don't get things perfect with our first relationships and go on to have other relationships until we figure out who we are and what we truly want. She is probably no different. So why not take things one day at a time and see how they go?

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