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A lot to unpack, please bare with me.


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. It' a lot to even begin with. I (24 f) had been with my partner (30 m) for 3 years. A lot of bad and traumatizing things happened. I know I sound stupid but months ago we got into a huge (one of many) arguments and he physically harmed me worse than the other 4 times he has hit me. I filed a police report, so he was issued an arrest warrant. He has not been arrested for the charge yet. 
I know I should not have gone back, but I thought maybe things would change and I could heal or overcome what had happened as we decided to get counseling and I would help with the legal issues to see if they could be dismissed or mediated. Things seemed to be okay. Last night we went out and had drinks, but I was careful about my intake. I can be very sociable. Another couple came to talk to us and we were just engaging in playful banter. I was mostly talking to the wife because my bf gets weird about me talking to men who aren’t even though it was ofc harmless. 
I was casually talking s*** in a playful way with the couple and bf got a bad attitude and told me to stop talking to people all the time. It kind of ruined my night so l was sulking a little and he got mad and said he was leaving and that I needed to find my own way home. He was saying I had no right to be upset but I know I did. We got into a bad argument and I decided I had enough and called the police so that they could finally just arrest him and I could get this over with. He blew up my phone saying I was wrong for calling the police because we were just arguing. I didn't feel it was wrong because I have had it with the emotional and physical harm and I just want this case handled so I can move on with life. His friends have all been saying I was wrong and I should have just went home and dealt with it maturely instead of calling the police. 

Should I apologize and tell the police that I called for no reason; I don’t want to add anymore fire to his pending legal issues? He didn’t harm me last night. I just felt exhausted and done with the mental olympics.

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stillafool

OMG, please get away and stay away from this man.  You are both so toxic for each other it's ridiculous.  Someone is going to end up really hurt and it will probably be you.  Why on earth would you go back to a man who has physically abused you 4 times?  Where is your self esteem.  You don't even have kids with him so what is making you accept this type of abuse?  You should not have gone back with him after filing that police report and then turning around and lying to the police that he abused you when he didn't. Yes tell the police the truth and then stay away from this guy and get more respect for yourself.

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I didn’t lie about being abused. We got into an argument and called the police so that they could finally arrest him. He has a misdemeanor charge so with that they do not actively look for the perpetrator. They would just have to catch him during a traffic stop or encounter him in a situation where he provides id. 

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stillafool
1 minute ago, Lunar21 said:

Ididn’t lie about being abused. We got into an argument and called the police so that they could finally arrest him

You did that time when you called them to arrest him for no reason.  You should have let them arrest him when he beat you up.  You are only 24, find a boyfriend who respects you and let this loser go.

18 minutes ago, Lunar21 said:

Should I apologize and tell the police that I called for no reason

 

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3 minutes ago, Lunar21 said:

I didn’t lie about being abused. We got into an argument and called the police so that they could finally arrest him. He has a misdemeanor charge.

Please talk to trusted friends and family. Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support advice and help locally. Please ask about a restraining order. 

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That still was not a lie. I never told the police he hit me yesterday. I told them about his arrest warrants so that the case can finally be dealt with once and fir all. Thank you for your insight. @stillafool

Edited by Lunar21
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stillafool
26 minutes ago, Lunar21 said:

Should I apologize and tell the police that I called for no reason;

So what was the "no reason" you should apologize to the police for?

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38 minutes ago, Lunar21 said:

 His friends have all been saying I was wrong and I should have just went home and dealt with it maturely instead of calling the police. Should I apologize and tell the police that I called for no reason

It's not up to you.  Or his stupid friends. Once he's arrested for outstanding warrants the criminal justice system takes over.  Your job is to get a restraining order. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps and get in touch with domestic violence agencies. 

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45 minutes ago, Lunar21 said:

I filed a police report, so he was issued an arrest warrant. He has not been arrested for the charge yet. 

I'm so sorry this happened to you.   You need to leave immediately.  Do you have somewhere safe to go?

Why hasn't he been arrested yet?   And why didn't the police take out an AVO when you reported it?   

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21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So what was the "no reason" you should apologize to the police for?

My apologies for not clarifying. I mean should I tell them that, because Im sure they have notes they can add to his case and I just did not want to add fire to it. My reason to call last night was so that an arrest could finally be executed and the case could officially open. I was just exhausted last night/early morning and finally done, wanting him to finally be tried for this. The more I read what I wrote I should have just let this be handled then because I know he won’t change. I’ve just been in denial thinking he didn’t deserve to be arrested for damaging my eye. 

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9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry this happened to you.   You need to leave immediately.  Do you have somewhere safe to go?

Why hasn't he been arrested yet?   And why didn't the police take out an AVO when you reported it?   

He hasn’t been arrested because where I am unfortunately the police do not pursue misdemeanor warrants, only felonies. They said they would just have to catch him during a traffic stop or whenever he would be required to present ID to law enforcement. Rules changed after covid and police force became very understaffed. Also my fault for trying to help him get the issue resolved so he would not face jail time bc I stupidly believed maybe he was remorseful for his actions. 

Edited by Lunar21
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ShyViolet

Is this a serious question?  He has been physically abusing you.  This relationship should have been ended a long time ago.  Let the police do whatever they're going to do, let the consequences of his actions befall him.  Get away from him and STAY away from him.

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stillafool

Don't feel bad about contacting the police and hopefully getting the case opened on him.  I can promise you if you go back, he will do it again and again and again.  Each time will get more severe.  Thank God you don't have babies with this guy and only have to worry about freeing yourself.  I repeat, he will not change.

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12 hours ago, Lunar21 said:

We got into a bad argument and I decided I had enough and called the police so that they could finally just arrest him and I could get this over with.

 I'm confused about exactly what happened that evening after your call to the police. Did they respond to your call by showing up and arresting him?

12 hours ago, Lunar21 said:

I didn’t lie about being abused. We got into an argument and called the police so that they could finally arrest him. He has a misdemeanor charge so with that they do not actively look for the perpetrator. They would just have to catch him during a traffic stop or encounter him in a situation where he provides id. 

I'm sorry, but, I'm confused. If they (apparently) don't take these misdemeanor warrants seriously, and only care if the guy incidentally interacts with law enforcement at a traffic stop etc, then what made you believe they would come arrest him merely at your request? Did you dial 911 and say, "yeah I've been hanging out with my ex-boyfriend who physically abused me and has a warrant out for his arrest for that. I still love him so I decided to forgive his physical abuse and go out for a fun night with him. But then he picked a petty fight with me and I realized I don't want to reconcile after all and we should remain exes. So please come arrest him now!"

I'm not trying to be sarcastic or rude, I promise. But I don't understand the sequence of events that happened that evening. Also- if the police didn't reply to your call by showing up & arresting him -- how do he and all his bros know that you called the police?

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d0nnivain

By my count at this point he has hit you 5 times & now he left you stranded for the unpardonable sin of talking to other people in a social setting.  Am I correct?  

You poked the bear & called the police so he would be arrested.  The laws where you live are crap if they don't arrest for domestic violence.  Anyway you can't go back now because he's really going to hurt you as punishment for calling the cops. 

Get somebody else to get your stuff.  Be fully done with him -- blocked everywhere, out of your phone, off all social media & out of your life.  Be done before he kills you & don't look back.  

I know that is not easy.  You think you love him.  You don't.  You have Stockholm Syndrome.  It doesn't matter because he doesn't love you.  He's a violent monster. He will never change & you know this   Run!

Edited by d0nnivain
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Listen, if you had not called the police and you had gone home after this fight, he would have beaten the hell out of you. These men don't stop the cycle of violence just because they tell you they will. You probably saved your life by calling the police and not going home to him.

So, stop the madness, you leave him and don't look back! Who cares what his friends are saying!! They're not the one living in fear of being hit again. 

Again, leave him! Don't wait that he kills you, or hurt you real bad and end up missing an eye or an arm. 

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