Red flags

[Toby73]

Hello everyone. I am really struggling and have nobody to talk to so hopefully I can get some help here. I have been married to my wife for 20 years but things are not going well lately. I have a gut feeling thats shes cheating and there have been several red flags that Ive noticed.

My wife has always struggled with being overweight for many years but had stomach surgery a couple years ago and has been on a strict diet and has lost over 100 lbs and she looks great!! Thats the good news but her whole attitude has also changed for the worse.

She is cold and distant,mean,miserable,always yelling at me and the kids. Our household is always very tense and its affecting the kids. My son is 14 and is failing school and has a violent temper. My daughter is 8 and has severe anxiety issues because of the constant tension in the home. I try to stay calm but it doesnt take much to set her off. Sex and intamacy are not good it might happen once a month but its always a struggle and you can tell shes not into it. She never iniciates if I didnt try we would literally never have sex again. Shes always too tired or stressed out she says but seems to find time for other things like hanging out with her sisters or spending hours scrolling on her phone.

Some of the red flags Ive noticed lately are that she has started grooming "Down there" and wearing sexy panties she even bought a female shaving kit off of Amazon and Ive noticed a bunch of female hygine products like sprays and body wash. Thats all fine but she has never done any of this until recently. When I asked her about it she said she did it for me but I find that hard to believe because she has no interest in sex with me. Ive also caught her in various lies. She has a location app that she uses for the kids but her location is always turned off and she says she didnt turn it off and doesnt know how to do it. I noticed that she was friends with one particular guy who was an ex on FB she said she didnt know and must have hit the accept button by accident. I could go on but she seems to lie about everything even little things.

She denies everything and says that Im crazy and making things up in my head and I hope shes right but I doubt it. She claims that she wants to stay in the marriage and work it out but needs time. She is willing to go to counseling and says that Im free to look through her phone anytime I want. I have done this and her phone is clean as far as texts and social media goes but I know she could be deleting or using other accounts. The biggest thing is her attitude and lack of interest. For example I try to do romantic things like getting her flowers or sending her a love song on her messenger but I usually get a very underwhelming response like "Thats nice" or "thanks". I feel like I could get run over by a bus and she wouldnt blink an eye. If she wants out why wont she just tell me? I keep getting mixed messages and dont want to break up the family so Im holding on to any thread of hope but dont have much more left in me. Where do I go from here?

[d0nnivain]

Would she consider MC or family therapy?  

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Toby73 said:

. She claims that she wants to stay in the marriage and work it out but needs time. She is willing to go to counseling and says that Im free to look through her phone anytime I want. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like she's going through a midlife issue and trying to recapture her youth and health. Some of these "grooming signs" are really irrelevant and she's not hiding any of this either. 

She seems open to letting you police her phone so she's trying to allay your fears. She's not hiding anything. 

She says she wants to work things out and is willing to go to marriage therapy.  Why not look into it? 

[Toby73]

Yes we are in the process of trying to find a good marriage counselor to work on some trust issues. She had an affair on me back in 2008 and Im probably just paranoid because Im seeing some of the same patterns emerge again with the cold and distant behavior.

[basil67]

I feel like her side of this story could be different.  Could it be that your wife is struggling coping with with your son's behaviour and your daughter's issues?   It can't be easy for any of you.  Does she also work full time?   Do you work full time?   Who does all the chores?   

While it can't be pleasant with her yelling at everyone, I have to ask if you're you all being the best you can be. First up, your son's violent temper needs to be addressed.  Is he seeing a child psychologist?  What strategies do you have in place to support him.  Is your daughter seeing a psychologist for her anxiety?   And what's your temper like?   

What's with you tracking her, asking her about when she turns of the tracker, and questioning her personal grooming?  The nice underwear and grooming is probably happening because of a combination of her feeling good about her body, and the increasing discussion of it in media.  

If you are all angels to live around and aren't contributing to her temper, perhaps your wife's short fuse and low sex drive indicates she's peri-menopausal.   My sister told me that she went absolutely feral when she was peri and doesn't know how her marriage survived.   It's not an uncommon story.   And FWIW, I was peri in my late 30's and in full menopause at 42, so even if your wife is younger it's not out of the question.  Has her cycle changed to become irregular or is she having any terrible heavy bleeding?   If there are symptoms of perimenopause, I'd kindly suggest she see her doctor.  And by "kindly",  I mean that you shouldn't mention her temper

 

[Toby73]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

I feel like her side of this story could be different.  Could it be that your wife is struggling coping with with your son's behaviour and your daughter's issues?   It can't be easy for any of you.  Does she also work full time?   Do you work full time?   Who does all the chores?   

While it can't be pleasant with her yelling at everyone, I have to ask if you're you all being the best you can be. First up, your son's violent temper needs to be addressed.  Is he seeing a child psychologist?  What strategies do you have in place to support him.  Is your daughter seeing a psychologist for her anxiety?   And what's your temper like?   

What's with you tracking her, asking her about when she turns of the tracker, and questioning her personal grooming?  The nice underwear and grooming is probably happening because of a combination of her feeling good about her body, and the increasing discussion of it in media.  

If you are all angels to live around and aren't contributing to her temper, perhaps your wife's short fuse and low sex drive indicates she's peri-menopausal.   My sister told me that she went absolutely feral when she was peri and doesn't know how her marriage survived.   It's not an uncommon story.   And FWIW, I was peri in my late 30's and in full menopause at 42, so even if your wife is younger it's not out of the question.  Has her cycle changed to become irregular or is she having any terrible heavy bleeding?   If there are symptoms of perimenopause, I'd kindly suggest she see her doctor.  And by "kindly",  I mean that you shouldn't mention her temper

 

Thank you for responding it was very helpful and has got me thinking about things differently. My wife is 42 and has told me about some unusual heavy bleeding she has sometimes so maybe you're onto something here.

I do admit that I get overly paranoid sometimes. She had an affair many years ago during our marriage. We went our seperate ways for awhile but eventually reconnected and are way past that. Things were really great for a long time until recently. I see many of the same behaviors such as being cold and distant,no sex, and the anger. I feel like Im re living that nightmare all over again and automaticly think the worst. 

We both work full time and have very demanding careers. The kids are involved with sports and other activitys. The typical day is going to work,coming home,talking the kids to practice then going to bed. Theres not much free time for anything else and it feels like were just going through the motions most of the time.

We are in the process of seeking out a good marriage/family counselor but its not easy to book an appointment. Ive called around 10 or more different places but nobody is taking new patients right now hence why I reached out for help here. My job offers an employee assistance program so Im going to see if they can get us an appointment.

Thanks again for the kind response.