Why did he leave my reply on read?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, FastHeart said:

To me I’m afraid that writing such things may seem «to interested». But I’ve always been afraid of that. 

At this point you need to act super interested because of how you acted before.  I agree to contact him and ask him "what's up?", "I miss talking to you".  You could then ask to see him on Monday since you're busy until then.

[FastHeart]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not saying you were wrong to end the date. I am saying he twisted the end into rejection  

Aspergers makes things more challenging.  You can't always read the cues.   This is where  / why I think you may have missed some of the cues / cries for help on his side.  

You can wait until after Sunday to ask him out but do send something witty now to keep the connection going.    Just say "hey what's up?  Haven't heard from you in a while.  I had come to enjoy our frequent interactions."  Those are lame words but make them your own.  

Btw in case U missed it. I told him I had work the next day, so it wasn’t like I just wanted to end and go home.

[Alpacalia]

Just a bit of outside perspective. You've inadvertently put a lot of pressure on yourself and your interactions with this man. A few things worth pointing out:

1. You say you can't feel things because you're a woman, yet you're making quick assumptions on his actions. It's fine to think things through but not to the extent you're feeling.

2. First dates are not a good barometer of someone's interest level. They are awkward a lot of the time. That doesn't mean one of the two parties didn't enjoy themselves. Chill on the assumptions here. 

As a general comment, your last relationship seems like it hurt you a lot. Are you still dealing with those emotions and maybe projecting them onto this guys behaviors? May not be the case but that jumps out at me.

You may want to be honest with yourself that you're looking for validation in others and possibly this instance especially sake of getting what you want (i.e. this man to like you in a relationshionshipy way). Nothing wrong with really wanting something and really hoping this pans out. I hope it does for you. But to be completely honest writing paragraphs of assumptions and a post on this guy basically ghosting you (knowing internet advice can help but knowing ultimately there's not much any of us are gonna be able to do to help this specific situation) makes me think your brain is working overtime to think analyze and churn about this guy.

So, my advice to you, for what it's worth, is to take a step back and detach from this situation. Go do something you enjoy, something that will get your blood pressure and heart rate up for a natural buzz. Go hang out with friends give yourself and them some love. Then come back to it without all these emotions and vivid feelings attached and see what happens. You'll be much more level headed and see it for what it is or isn't.

Take care.

[FastHeart]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Just a bit of outside perspective. You've inadvertently put a lot of pressure on yourself and your interactions with this man. A few things worth pointing out:

1. You say you can't feel things because you're a woman, yet you're making quick assumptions on his actions. It's fine to think things through but not to the extent you're feeling.

2. First dates are not a good barometer of someone's interest level. They are awkward a lot of the time. That doesn't mean one of the two parties didn't enjoy themselves. Chill on the assumptions here. 

As a general comment, your last relationship seems like it hurt you a lot. Are you still dealing with those emotions and maybe projecting them onto this guys behaviors? May not be the case but that jumps out at me.

You may want to be honest with yourself that you're looking for validation in others and possibly this instance especially sake of getting what you want (i.e. this man to like you in a relationshionshipy way). Nothing wrong with really wanting something and really hoping this pans out. I hope it does for you. But to be completely honest writing paragraphs of assumptions and a post on this guy basically ghosting you (knowing internet advice can help but knowing ultimately there's not much any of us are gonna be able to do to help this specific situation) makes me think your brain is working overtime to think analyze and churn about this guy.

So, my advice to you, for what it's worth, is to take a step back and detach from this situation. Go do something you enjoy, something that will get your blood pressure and heart rate up for a natural buzz. Go hang out with friends give yourself and them some love. Then come back to it without all these emotions and vivid feelings attached and see what happens. You'll be much more level headed and see it for what it is or isn't.

Take care.

So, you think this man is ghosting me. I dont know who here to listen to now. Some people say I’ve acted cold, some says he is ghosting. What Im doing is what U say. Im not going to send him anything before after sunday, because I have to consentrate. I can’t meet up there and be heartbroken/sad. So better for me to wait. Yes I know my mind is playing some games and I overthink and thats why I step back. I want to wait until my head has calmed. 
But if I was interested in someone I would just leave their reply on read. 

[FastHeart]

18 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

So, you think this man is ghosting me. I dont know who here to listen to now. Some people say I’ve acted cold, some says he is ghosting. What Im doing is what U say. Im not going to send him anything before after sunday, because I have to consentrate. I can’t meet up there and be heartbroken/sad. So better for me to wait. Yes I know my mind is playing some games and I overthink and thats why I step back. I want to wait until my head has calmed. 
But if I was interested in someone I would just leave their reply on read. 

I would not leave on read*

[NuevoYorko]

20 hours ago, FastHeart said:

I’ve known all my life something is wrong with me. So many others are allowed to feel what they feel because they are made correct. 
 

You're allowed to feel how you feel.  I don't know what you mean with ""because they are made correct."  Remember that feelings are not facts.  They are feelings.  They exist, you have them, it does not mean that what you are feeling actually reflects what is really going on outside of your feelings.

Edited February 1 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

29 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

So, you think this man is ghosting me. I dont know who here to listen to now. Some people say I’ve acted cold, some says he is ghosting. 

What's the difference - he is not reaching out to correspond with you. That's the fact.  If you seriously, really want to give this guy a shot, you have no choice but to get WAY out of your comfort zone, take a huge risk, and ask him to join you in some kind of activity.  Yes, ask him on a DATE, whether you use that word or not.

You have said many times that you don't want to "seem" this way or that.  Mostly you don't want to "seem" overly interested / "pushy".  Of course we all can understand this.  You like him and you are trying to protect your feelings.  If he rejects you, it WILL hurt.  We've all been there.

Still, that is where you are at this point with this guy.  You will have to be courageous and prepared to accept the possibility of a negative result (he says 'no' or he does not want to see you as a "date" but rather as a friendly acquaintance).  

You will not be able to control the outcome.  You can only control your own choice and action at this point.  

[FastHeart]

11 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You're allowed to feel how you feel.  I don't know what you mean with ""because they are made correct."  Remember that feelings are not facts.  They are feelings.  They exist, you have them, it does not mean that what you are feeling actually reflects what it really going on outside of your feelings.

I understand. I just dont want this to be the end. At some other point I feel I have to take steps and that I might me more passive than I think I am.

[stillafool]

53 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

So, you think this man is ghosting me. I dont know who here to listen to now. Some people say I’ve acted cold, some says he is ghosting.

People have said perhaps he's ghosted you because you didn't show him you really liked him.  People move on after so long.  If you want to stop being so passive, get off this forum and call or text him.  He's the only one who actually knows how he feels about you.  If you don't want this to end with him make a move.

What are you waiting for?

Edited February 1 by stillafool

[FastHeart]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

What's the difference - he is not reaching out to correspond with you. That's the fact.  If you seriously, really want to give this guy a shot, you have no choice but to get WAY out of your comfort zone, take a huge risk, and ask him to join you in some kind of activity.  Yes, ask him on a DATE, whether you use that word or not.

You have said many times that you don't want to "seem" this way or that.  Mostly you don't want to "seem" overly interested / "pushy".  Of course we all can understand this.  You like him and you are trying to protect your feelings.  If he rejects you, it WILL hurt.  We've all been there.

Still, that is where you are at this point with this guy.  You will have to be courageous and prepared to accept the possibility of a negative result (he says 'no' or he does not want to see you as a "date" but rather as a friendly acquaintance).  

You will not be able to control the outcome.  You can only control your own choice and action at this point.  

U give two outcomes. He says no or he just want to be friends. I always go negative when I feel something for someone thats why Im happy without having «met someone». Why are people going so exited and happy when U say U met someone? For me its opposite. Always more negativity than positive.

[FastHeart]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

People have said perhaps he's ghosted you because you didn't show him you really liked him.  People move on after so long.  If you want to stop being so passive, get off this forum and call or text him.  He's the only one who actually knows how he feels about you.  If you don't want this to end with him make a move.

What are you waiting for?

I tought ghosting was something someone did if they really want to escape from that person. That they dont like at all.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

I tought ghosting was something someone did if they really want to escape from that person. That they dont like at all.

Ghosting is done for many reasons.  You seem to be seeking validation that he likes you.  Only he can give you that.  Back to my question, what are you waiting for?

[FastHeart]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Ghosting is done for many reasons.  You seem to be seeking validation that he likes you.  Only he can give you that.  Back to my question, what are you waiting for?

I tought ghosting was only a rude thing. But people can do it cause they are protecting themself? 
 

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, FastHeart said:

I don't think he was bored because when it went late he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, but I wanted to stay responsible because I had to go to work the day after. I will say we kind of know eachother because we have been supporting eachother about different issues in life. But I understand that is not the same as seeing someone irl. 

He texted me when I came back home, and he was talking about trying skiing. So he sent me a mssg the day after "I went for skiing today, it was cold" and I replied "I can see that". 2 days after he sends this "how is it going with you" and it was when I replied he didn't answer. Since I've been confused. For me it's like when left on read I'm not that important. 

Maybe it's better for U to asks me question since you are maybe better to sort the important signs. So ask me about things, because I feel I mess up the story by coming with details everytime  

I honestly don't think you've messed the story up. I think you shared fewer details initially because maybe you wanted to keep the story simple and also wanted to preserve some of your privacy. And that's cool. My understanding of what happened has not been changed by the additional details.

Also, I don't think he was bored. I just know from experience that guys who are enthusiastic about driving an online relationship with frequent texts and whatnot often start to pull away after you actually meet in real life. It happens all the time. And it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means that it's a good idea not to expect too much of anyone (regardless of what they say) until you've actually met and gone out a bunch of times. People can be fickle.

I can't think of questions to ask you right now. But if I have any later, I'll be sure to share them.

I think it's impossible to know for sure why he left you on read without actually asking him. Maybe something happened to him that made him lose his confidence. Maybe he is ultimately a flakey guy. Maybe he's hoping you'll reach out because he doesn't know for sure whether you're as interested as he is. There are all sorts of possibilities. Your best bet for getting some kind of indication is to reach out and ask him out. I think it'll also help you grow in confidence because, instead of sitting passively and waiting for someone else to decide your fate, it will help you gain some control over the situation. And if it so happens that things don't work out with this particular guy, you will walk away from the situation with more experience than you started out with.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

So, you think this man is ghosting me. I dont know who here to listen to now. Some people say I’ve acted cold, some says he is ghosting. What Im doing is what U say. Im not going to send him anything before after sunday, because I have to consentrate. I can’t meet up there and be heartbroken/sad. So better for me to wait. Yes I know my mind is playing some games and I overthink and thats why I step back. I want to wait until my head has calmed. 
But if I was interested in someone I would just leave their reply on read. 

Sorry, perhaps the language I used was off-base. Lesson for me to stay away from labels like  "ghosting".

I would say if you haven't received a response from him in over a week, it's safe to say that he isn't interested in continuing the conversation. Now, that doesn't mean you can't reach out to him again in the future if you're still interested. It’s more about respecting yourself and your time to put things on hold and focusing on yourself until you're in a better headspace to deal with the outcome of the situation.
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

I tought ghosting was .....

It seems like you are looking for answers in a million places and not getting any clarity.  The one thing you're not doing is solving the problem by contacting him and inviting him out again. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

I tought ghosting was only a rude thing. But people can do it cause they are protecting themself? 
 

Did I say that?  I think I asked you when are you going to contact him?

[FastHeart]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did I say that?  I think I asked you when are you going to contact him?

I dont know. I tought ghosting was some rude stuff people did when they just play with your feelings or they care so litle about you that they just block you.

Is leaving someone on reply also ghosting? 
 

I have to wait until after sunday. Yes U guys are right that I will feel more confident. I won’t make it obvious that I feel something «more» for him.

I just felt the chemistry was there. Same humor, same clumsiness in some stuff, same issues/understand eachother. 
 

I know, U dont have to tell me that «this doesn’t mean he is the man for you». I know it doesn’t HAVE TO. 
 

But this happens every time. I feel something, and then the downers are coming straight away. Always. So feeling this isn’t something I enjoy much, but I Get kind of sad and its like going back to have a sickness you recovered from. 
 

I didn never imagine I would feel like this now. We just chatted and had fun. I didn’t go crazy if he didn’t write me some days. 
It has happened with him before. Before I got this didn’t analyse that much, but he left me on read one evening and all day after. Then he came back the evening after and said «sorry for not replying, I fell asleep». 
But its still many weeks ago. 

[FastHeart]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did I say that?  I think I asked you when are you going to contact him?

Just to Get a no, right..

[basil67]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

He lied when he said it's not a date.  You two met.  That is the very definition of date. 

I'm sure this is correct where you live, but it's not the definition of a date where I live.  To be a date here, there has to be some kind of understanding of romantic intention.  If one party declares "it's not a date" then it becomes two friends meeting up.

Just throwing this out there for clarity as I'm not sure where the OP is  

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

I dont know. I tought ghosting was some rude stuff people did when they just play with your feelings or they care so litle about you that they just block you.

Is leaving someone on reply also ghosting? 
 

I have to wait until after sunday. Yes U guys are right that I will feel more confident. I won’t make it obvious that I feel something «more» for him.

I just felt the chemistry was there. Same humor, same clumsiness in some stuff, same issues/understand eachother. 
 

I know, U dont have to tell me that «this doesn’t mean he is the man for you». I know it doesn’t HAVE TO. 
 

But this happens every time. I feel something, and then the downers are coming straight away. Always. So feeling this isn’t something I enjoy much, but I Get kind of sad and its like going back to have a sickness you recovered from. 
 

I didn never imagine I would feel like this now. We just chatted and had fun. I didn’t go crazy if he didn’t write me some days. 
It has happened with him before. Before I got this didn’t analyse that much, but he left me on read one evening and all day after. Then he came back the evening after and said «sorry for not replying, I fell asleep». 
But its still many weeks ago. 

It doesn't have to be such an intense thing. Just reach out and say hey I've been thinking about you. Is there a day this week or next week that works for you for a coffee or a drink.

[FastHeart]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

It doesn't have to be such an intense thing. Just reach out and say hey I've been thinking about you. Is there a day this week or next week that works for you for a coffee or a drink.

Will this obvious mean that Im interested? Or might it seem like friendship? 

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

Will this obvious mean that Im interested? Or might it seem like friendship? 

And what is so terrible about risking it being seen as interest?

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

Will this obvious mean that Im interested? 

Yes, isn't that your goal to let him know you're interested?

[FastHeart]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

And what is so terrible about risking it being seen as interest?

Getting the confirm that Im not ment to be with anybody. Im not a relationshipgirl, but when I find someone I like I want it. But having the confirm that something is wrong with me and that I dont understand people’s language. That they can’t like me, maybe because of my diagnosis. I sometimes feel like a child who has to step back in the que.