Why did he leave my reply on read?

[d0nnivain]

Love is a good thing.  It just feels bad when relationships end.  

"Acting" hard to get is a problem.  Being hard to get is the answer.  Don't devalue yourself just to hold a man.  If YOU want to have sex, have sex. 

I don't think virginity is all that important but at 32, at some point you must have believed it is important so I would hate to see you throw that away.    There are some men who value virginity & are very harsh toward women who have what they call a high body count (which most of them think is any # higher than 0 or at least higher than less than 1/2 of their count).  I suspect that type is attracted to a girl like you.  I don't want you to end up in a situation where some guy makes you feel worse about yourself.  

When you say you want to have sex, the problem is you don't completely understand what you are saying; nobody knows until they have experienced it.  I have a bad feeling that you will get hurt because you are already overly invested from some text messages & some social media interactions.  

You aren't doing anything wrong but you are going too fast.  Slow down.  Let somebody prove to you why they are worthy of you.  Don't get attached until you get to know somebody better through IN PERSON interactions, not texts, DMs, video etc.  

Whatever you decide I hope you get peace & joy from that decision.  

[FastHeart]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Love is a good thing.  It just feels bad when relationships end.  

"Acting" hard to get is a problem.  Being hard to get is the answer.  Don't devalue yourself just to hold a man.  If YOU want to have sex, have sex. 

I don't think virginity is all that important but at 32, at some point you must have believed it is important so I would hate to see you throw that away.    There are some men who value virginity & are very harsh toward women who have what they call a high body count (which most of them think is any # higher than 0 or at least higher than less than 1/2 of their count).  I suspect that type is attracted to a girl like you.  I don't want you to end up in a situation where some guy makes you feel worse about yourself.  

When you say you want to have sex, the problem is you don't completely understand what you are saying; nobody knows until they have experienced it.  I have a bad feeling that you will get hurt because you are already overly invested from some text messages & some social media interactions.  

You aren't doing anything wrong but you are going too fast.  Slow down.  Let somebody prove to you why they are worthy of you.  Don't get attached until you get to know somebody better through IN PERSON interactions, not texts, DMs, video etc.  

Whatever you decide I hope you get peace & joy from that decision.  

The reason is that I need to feel something to get the feeling. I can’t find a random guy. Not because it is important to be virgin.

am I going to fast? I havnt texted him anything. It has only been him starting conversations. So maybe I should just wait until he text me first, because I go to fast if I text him.

Edited February 1, 2024 by FastHeart

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

I havnt texted him anything. It has only been him starting conversations. So maybe I should just wait until he text me first, because I go to fast if I text him.

Why not? Why play games and then wonder why you're unhappy? The sex and virginity things are irrelevant. You were on one date. If you refuse to contact him and refuse to date then sex is never going to happen either way. 

[FastHeart]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not? Why play games and then wonder why you're unhappy? The sex and virginity things are irrelevant. You were on one date. If you refuse to contact him and refuse to date then sex is never going to happen either way. 

Not sure if Im playing games. Tried to figure out how my reply to him might have seemed cold. For me it was an answer to he’s question. I asked back. If I wrote just «fine» I would understand. But I asked back. 
Maybe I should have been more like «it was Nice to see you last time btw»     Is seriously «Im find, going for a walk before going to bed. How about you?» seriously something that might have backed him off?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

But he has been flirting in the texts. Like telling me I’m cute and to beutiful to hang with him. 

My answer to this was «I have never tought about someone being to fat to hang with me». To this he said «thats good. Im looking forward to know you». 

Ouch!  A double whammy of calling him fat and putting him in the friend zone all in one sentence!  

A better response to his insecurity would have been "Not at all!  I think you're great".   And to be clear, your words "hang with me" very clearly reflects a lack of romantic interest on your part. 

If you want to fix this, you'll have to ask him on a date.  Use the word 'date'.   Because at this point, he thinks you have no romantic interest

 

 

Edited February 1, 2024 by basil67

[FastHeart]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ouch!  A double whammy of calling him fat and putting him in the friend zone all in one sentence!  

A better response to his insecurity would have been "Not at all!  I think you're great".   And to be clear, your words "hang with me" very clearly reflects a lack of romantic interest on your part. 

If you want to fix this, you'll have to ask him on a date.  Use the word 'date'.   Because at this point, he thinks you have no romantic interest

 

 

He told me its not a date tho. He said «Im to fat go go out with a girl like u, but anyways its not a date». Actually we did not meet online because we were looking for love, it was just support. All I know that I developed interest in him, and even stronger feelings after spenning time. 

I tought my response was nice. I said I dont think about somebody being to fat. How can it be «ouch»? 
 

This is so strange. I asked this guy about support like I do with U now. I asked him «what would you as a man think if I write this…?» when talking about a guy I liked back some years.  NOW I like THIS guy.

Edited February 1, 2024 by FastHeart

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

He told me its not a date tho. He said «Im to fat go go out with a girl like u, but anyways its not a date». Actually we did not meet online because we were looking for love, it was just support. All I know that I developed interest in him, and even stronger feelings after spenning time. 

I tought my response was nice. I said I dont think about somebody being to fat. How can it be «ouch»?  

OK, so you misquoted him previously.  What he actually did was use the word "fat" to put himself down.  As an insult to himself.   And you doubled down on that insult by not changing to a more tactful stance.   If you'd said that you felt too ugly to be with a guy, would you be OK if they said that they are fine with ugly girls?  

Quote

This is so strange. I asked this guy about support like I do with U now. I asked him «what would you as a man think if I write this…?» when talking about a guy I liked back some years.  NOW I like THIS guy.

Ah so he made it clear that this wasn't a date.   You'll have to get over your crush

Edited February 1, 2024 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, FastHeart said:

He said «Im to fat go go out with a girl like u, but anyways its not a date».

I don't think he is romantically interested in you. 

[FastHeart]

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he is romantically interested in you. 

Can he become?

[FastHeart]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you want to fix this, you'll have to ask him on a date.  Use the word 'date'.   Because at this point, he thinks you have no romantic interest

 

 

Never will I use that word. But will I scare him if I ask if he wants to hang out?

[FastHeart]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK, so you misquoted him previously.  What he actually did was use the word "fat" to put himself down.  As an insult to himself.   And you doubled down on that insult by not changing to a more tactful stance.   If you'd said that you felt too ugly to be with a guy, would you be OK if they said that they are fine with ugly girls?  

Ah so he made it clear that this wasn't a date.   You'll have to get over your crush

Did never know words meant that much. He said «I still weight to much to go out with a beutiful girl like u», then I replied «i have never tought about somebody that way» or something like thats. Simply called himself fat, but here is the words.

Edited February 1, 2024 by FastHeart

[FastHeart]

But we forgot the question. Why do U think he left the last message on read? Going from being texting much and inviting me out, then doesn’t respond to my reply. Maybe I should just let him go? Without saying anything.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

But we forgot the question. Why do U think he left the last message on read? 

No one forgot the question. You're refusing to contact him. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

Did never know words meant that much. He said «I still weight to much to go out with a beutiful girl like u», then I replied «i have never tought about somebody that way» or something like thats. Simply called himself fat, but here is the words.

You're changing the story yet again????

Perhaps he's not responding because you can't get a story straight....

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

But we forgot the question. Why do U think he left the last message on read? Going from being texting much and inviting me out, then doesn’t respond to my reply. Maybe I should just let him go? Without saying anything.

To be blunt, he probably left you on read because when he met you face to face, it turned out that didn't like you all that much. There's really no other reason.

 Could be what you said or could be how you acted.  I can't say for sure because we weren't there and you keep changing the story

Edited February 1, 2024 by basil67

[FastHeart]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be blunt, he probably left you on read because when he met you face to face, it turned out that didn't like you all that much. There's really no other reason.

 Could be what you said or could be how you acted.  I can't say for sure because we weren't there and you keep changing the story

Sorry about that but I didn’t realize my use of words ment that much. He simply told me he was fat by telling me he was to overweight.

He kept texting me after we met as well. If it went complete quiet after the meeting I would think he didn’t like me but the fact he texted me and asked how is it going. It is so strange behavior to leave my reply on seen.

[FastHeart]

I have been googeling ofc, but all answers convuses me because they say different things. One says that being left on read is simple an answer, they're not interested. Then it says a guy may freak out if he developes someting and doesn't know where you stand. It also says that a guy who is texting a lot, asks how your days are and teases you likes you. 

And here I try to have self discipline. I feel like a stupied woman who feels this. As young my family used to tease me about my non exsisting lovelife because I was never interested in that kind of stuff. If I had a male friend some could tease me like "U got a boyfriend now". And I have an aunt that always asks if I have found someone yet when we see eachother. 

The firs ones I chose to live in pain because I didn' feel good enough. And then it was religion and my family went angry about that. So, I just became a big trouble when I finally fell in love. 

Now I'm in my 30s and met someone but as usual it turns out being just another heartbreak or whatever to call it. I just felt the good chemistry. It was like meeting a good friend. Something inside me is pushing me to send him a text, while my anxiety holds me back. I have important stuff to do on sunday so I have to stay concentrated so it's not a good idea to text him this week or?!

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, FastHeart said:

I’ve known all my life something is wrong with me. So many others are allowed to feel what they feel because they are made correct. 
Who the h*ll text someone that much without liking them? If I dont feel anything special to someone I would never keep conversations or write random stuff just to Get in touch. 

The thing is, you had not yet met. So it's possible for someone with an overactive imagination to build up a person they've not met yet in their mind. He may have had all these ideas about what you'd be like and how spending time with you would be. And now that it's actually happened, it may have been different from what he imagined. So he may have realized that the real FastHeart is not the same person as the imaginary FastHeart he created in his mind. And if that is the case, you are basically strangers starting from scratch.

That basically means the ball is in your court. If I were you, I'd reach out to him and tell him you enjoyed yourself the last time you went out and you'd like to see him again. Then suggest a date and see what happens. If he declines or doesn't respond, you will know he's not interested and you can move on. If he responds positively, you will know what to do. 

[FastHeart]

12 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

The thing is, you had not yet met. So it's possible for someone with an overactive imagination to build up a person they've not met yet in their mind. He may have had all these ideas about what you'd be like and how spending time with you would be. And now that it's actually happened, it may have been different from what he imagined. So he may have realized that the real FastHeart is not the same person as the imaginary FastHeart he created in his mind. And if that is the case, you are basically strangers starting from scratch.

That basically means the ball is in your court. If I were you, I'd reach out to him and tell him you enjoyed yourself the last time you went out and you'd like to see him again. Then suggest a date and see what happens. If he declines or doesn't respond, you will know he's not interested and you can move on. If he responds positively, you will know what to do. 

I don't think he was bored because when it went late he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, but I wanted to stay responsible because I had to go to work the day after. I will say we kind of know eachother because we have been supporting eachother about different issues in life. But I understand that is not the same as seeing someone irl. 

He texted me when I came back home, and he was talking about trying skiing. So he sent me a mssg the day after "I went for skiing today, it was cold" and I replied "I can see that". 2 days after he sends this "how is it going with you" and it was when I replied he didn't answer. Since I've been confused. For me it's like when left on read I'm not that important. 

Maybe it's better for U to asks me question since you are maybe better to sort the important signs. So ask me about things, because I feel I mess up the story by coming with details everytime  

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, FastHeart said:

The reason is that I need to feel something to get the feeling. I can’t find a random guy. Not because it is important to be virgin.

am I going to fast? I havnt texted him anything. It has only been him starting conversations. So maybe I should just wait until he text me first, because I go to fast if I text him.

I get it.  I need chemistry too but at this point in your life you are going to have to take action to steer your life in the direction you want.  

When I said you were going too fast I meant that you give your heart away too easily.  For you to be sick over him not texting back is you caring too deeply for 1 date.  You have to slow your own emotions.  

Yes, you reaching out to him is a bold move but it's a self confident one not a desperate one.  

 

10 hours ago, FastHeart said:

He told me its not a date tho. He said «Im to fat go go out with a girl like u, but anyways its not a date».

He lied when he said it's not a date.  You two met.  That is the very definition of date.  People confuse this all the time when they use vague phrases such as "hang out."  

Him mentioning his weight screams that he's self conscious.  He said that because he was deflecting, he was softening the blow & heading when he believed would be your inevitable rejection off at the pass . If this wasn't a date, you couldn't hurt him.   You did anyway but you didn't even realize it.  

 

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Can he become?

Maybe he can get over his fears & give you a change but you will have to work hard to make that happen.  It absolutely will never happen if you don't reach out to him again & fix this.  Sitting & waiting for him to text you means you may never hear from him again.  

 

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Never will I use that word. But will I scare him if I ask if he wants to hang out?

You will hurt him.  He doesn't want to "hang out".   He wants a GF not a friend.  If you say hang out instead of date that is you being vague & mean .  In his mind an offer to "hang out" will be proof that he's too fat to be your BF.  You will be rejecting him & playing into his deepest fears & insecurities.  

 

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Did never know words meant that much. He said «I still weight to much to go out with a beutiful girl like u», then I replied «i have never tought about somebody that way» or something like thats. Simply called himself fat, but here is the words.

Words are very important & you used all the wrong ones.  When he called you beautiful you should have said thank you.  Women who ignore a compliment like that are signaling to the man who said it that they don't want him to think about how they look.  They are signaling that romance is off the table & it's platonic, because they find him creepy so they are going to ignore the comment.   Then you rubbed salt in the wound by replying that you never thought of "somebody" that way.  You made it general  You lumped him in with all men, like he wasn't special.  Moreover you tacitly agreed that he is fat.  You hurt him.  The better response would have been "Oh wow.  You think I'm beautiful?  That is so sweet!  I don't know what you are talking about claiming you weigh too much to go out with me.  I think you're great!"  

 

2 hours ago, FastHeart said:

But we forgot the question. Why do U think he left the last message on read? Going from being texting much and inviting me out, then doesn’t respond to my reply. Maybe I should just let him go? Without saying anything.

If you want to let him go, then don't say anything.   This will be the end.  

I think he left you on read because he's trying to not get hurt.  He has determined by your careless words & the fact that you ended the date after 5 hours because you had responsibilities the next day that you don't like him.  He's wrong you did the right thing by not staying out later,  but that is how people twist stuff around when they are insecure.  He's doing everything to protect himself:  calling it not a date; saying that he's too fat so you can't; calling you beautiful & implying that he's too ugly.  He made up all these excuses so in his mind he could run away but it's not his fault that you rejected him because you are just another in a long line.  This way he feels like he saved face.  

You can do nothing & wonder if he's the one who got away or you can control your own destiny.  If you do as I suggested & ask him out, you will get an answer.  Even if he doesn't reply or says no, at least you will know & you can move on in peace knowing you made the effort.  It's much easier to move forward when you have an answer rather than when you are left wondering.   If you want to move things forward, you will have to caress him with nice compliments to overcome his lack of self esteem.  

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

 he was talking about trying skiing. So he sent me a mssg the day after "I went for skiing today, it was cold" and I replied "I can see that". 

Why can't you text him friendly things? Is there a language barrier or do you feel at a loss for words or appropriate enthusiastic replies? It's unclear if you had a good time why you would be so cold after hanging out. It seems like you're trying to push him away because you're afraid of dating. 

[FastHeart]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I get it.  I need chemistry too but at this point in your life you are going to have to take action to steer your life in the direction you want.  

When I said you were going too fast I meant that you give your heart away too easily.  For you to be sick over him not texting back is you caring too deeply for 1 date.  You have to slow your own emotions.  

Yes, you reaching out to him is a bold move but it's a self confident one not a desperate one.  

 

He lied when he said it's not a date.  You two met.  That is the very definition of date.  People confuse this all the time when they use vague phrases such as "hang out."  

Him mentioning his weight screams that he's self conscious.  He said that because he was deflecting, he was softening the blow & heading when he believed would be your inevitable rejection off at the pass . If this wasn't a date, you couldn't hurt him.   You did anyway but you didn't even realize it.  

 

Maybe he can get over his fears & give you a change but you will have to work hard to make that happen.  It absolutely will never happen if you don't reach out to him again & fix this.  Sitting & waiting for him to text you means you may never hear from him again.  

 

You will hurt him.  He doesn't want to "hang out".   He wants a GF not a friend.  If you say hang out instead of date that is you being vague & mean .  In his mind an offer to "hang out" will be proof that he's too fat to be your BF.  You will be rejecting him & playing into his deepest fears & insecurities.  

 

Words are very important & you used all the wrong ones.  When he called you beautiful you should have said thank you.  Women who ignore a compliment like that are signaling to the man who said it that they don't want him to think about how they look.  They are signaling that romance is off the table & it's platonic, because they find him creepy so they are going to ignore the comment.   Then you rubbed salt in the wound by replying that you never thought of "somebody" that way.  You made it general  You lumped him in with all men, like he wasn't special.  Moreover you tacitly agreed that he is fat.  You hurt him.  The better response would have been "Oh wow.  You think I'm beautiful?  That is so sweet!  I don't know what you are talking about claiming you weigh too much to go out with me.  I think you're great!"  

 

If you want to let him go, then don't say anything.   This will be the end.  

I think he left you on read because he's trying to not get hurt.  He has determined by your careless words & the fact that you ended the date after 5 hours because you had responsibilities the next day that you don't like him.  He's wrong you did the right thing by not staying out later,  but that is how people twist stuff around when they are insecure.  He's doing everything to protect himself:  calling it not a date; saying that he's too fat so you can't; calling you beautiful & implying that he's too ugly.  He made up all these excuses so in his mind he could run away but it's not his fault that you rejected him because you are just another in a long line.  This way he feels like he saved face.  

You can do nothing & wonder if he's the one who got away or you can control your own destiny.  If you do as I suggested & ask him out, you will get an answer.  Even if he doesn't reply or says no, at least you will know & you can move on in peace knowing you made the effort.  It's much easier to move forward when you have an answer rather than when you are left wondering.   If you want to move things forward, you will have to caress him with nice compliments to overcome his lack of self esteem.  

Ok, I will take this with me. But just now I have important stuff on sunday, also this evening. I have to wait after sunday at least. Is that better? I don't want to feel more stressed when I'm at the important stuff. 

Being responsible was something I tought would be attractive. And the other thing, because the place we met closed, we had to leave. I was so owerwhelmed by my feelings that I didn't think clear. I didn' check or ask how long he had to wait for the bus. So he gave me a hug when we walked out the door. Then we walked a bit the same direction to where he had to cross the street, and he gave me a hug again. Then I walked home. When I came home it was a message from him after 30 minutes. He asked if I arrived home well, and I said yes, and I asked if he had to wait for the bus for long. He replied he had to wait 15 minutes. I didn't even pay attention to the bus schedule! 

[FastHeart]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why can't you text him friendly things? Is there a language barrier or do you feel at a loss for words or appropriate enthusiastic replies? It's unclear if you had a good time why you would be so cold after hanging out. It seems like you're trying to push him away because you're afraid of dating. 

Well I have aspergers, but he knows. It's a light version. U don't notice without spending time with me. Some people doesnt notice at all. Has been hard to live with because people see how I look and except me to be a woman with a perfect life and high success. Yes I might have poor choice of words. But this guy know about my diagnosis. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm not saying you were wrong to end the date. I am saying he twisted the end into rejection  

Aspergers makes things more challenging.  You can't always read the cues.   This is where  / why I think you may have missed some of the cues / cries for help on his side.  

You can wait until after Sunday to ask him out but do send something witty now to keep the connection going.    Just say "hey what's up?  Haven't heard from you in a while.  I had come to enjoy our frequent interactions."  Those are lame words but make them your own.  

[FastHeart]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not saying you were wrong to end the date. I am saying he twisted the end into rejection  

Aspergers makes things more challenging.  You can't always read the cues.   This is where  / why I think you may have missed some of the cues / cries for help on his side.  

You can wait until after Sunday to ask him out but do send something witty now to keep the connection going.    Just say "hey what's up?  Haven't heard from you in a while.  I had come to enjoy our frequent interactions."  Those are lame words but make them your own.  

To me I’m afraid that writing such things may seem «to interested». But I’ve always been afraid of that. 
I know it something to be afraid for. He would never write me or invite me out if he found me creepy. 
I will do for sure. 
Thing with us aspergerians is that we tend to think in «black&white». When I Google «what does it mean» and it says «leaving you on read simply means they’re ignorering you» and «move on, he’s not interested». But then again I think about why did he text me after the «date» if he wasn’t interested. 
 

I’m doing stuff here like cleaning and  tiding to distract myself because my heart beat so hard sometimes that I feel ill. 
Thats what I mean about being sick of these kind of feelings. Dont knowing what to do, asking people online and looking for signs that he is not into me or he is and I will loose if I dont try something. 😵‍💫

Edited February 1, 2024 by FastHeart