Why did he leave my reply on read?

[FastHeart]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes, isn't that your goal to let him know you're interested?

No! Not at first! Im ok starting like friends. 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

Getting the confirm that Im not ment to be with anybody. Im not a relationshipgirl

But your posting here suggests otherwise.

Edited February 1, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FastHeart]

21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

But your posting here suggests otherwise.

Im not generally looking for a bf. I felt so free before I did the stupied thing and said yes to meet this guy. 
So then I feel I met one, like without preparing. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

Im not generally looking for a bf. . 
So then I feel I met one, like without preparing. 

He's not your BF or even a date. It's someone you've been talking to and had a nice time hanging out.  Try to relax. If you want to hang out again, you know how to contact him. 

[FastHeart]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not your BF or even a date. It's someone you've been talking to and had a nice time hanging out.  Try to relax. If you want to hang out again, you know how to contact him. 

Why did this happen? I was so in love with someone else when he texted me before me met. I went so disappointed when I saw the pictures of him! I was hoping to fall in love with «the random guy online living close to me» but I couldn’t like someone looking like that. Then I end up liking him while we are texting! And even more after a meeting!😵‍💫.  My inner voice (i dont literally have a voice inside but I Guess U know what I mean), says that I shal not give up on this guy yet, but then fear holds me back. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, FastHeart said:

 I always go negative when I feel something for someone thats why Im happy without having «met someone». Why are people going so exited and happy when U say U met someone? For me its opposite. Always more negativity than positive.

Yes, you are being negative.  Maybe you shouldn't contact him until you change your mindset because being negative is a turn off for most people.  Maybe more therapy will help with that.

 

2 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Then he came back the evening after and said «sorry for not replying, I fell asleep». 
But its still many weeks ago. 

I didn't realize it has been weeks since you talked to him.  Maybe it's over and he's moved on anyway.

 

2 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

My inner voice (i dont literally have a voice inside but I Guess U know what I mean), says that I shal not give up on this guy yet, but then fear holds me back. 

This is why you need to get back into therapy or you may end up alone.

[FastHeart]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes, you are being negative.  Maybe you shouldn't contact him until you change your mindset because being negative is a turn off for most people.  Maybe more therapy will help with that.

 

I didn't realize it has been weeks since you talked to him.  Maybe it's over and he's moved on anyway.

 

This is why you need to get back into therapy or you may end up alone.

Its not weeks ago. But before we started to text a lot, it happened. But at that time I didn’t care so much. 
 

How many times do I need to go back to therapy? Doesn’t help. They say the same as U. 
I was writing worse than this when I met him. This is how we met. It was texting like this, he saw how big my issue was. 
 

Let me try make it easy, I will make the scanario for you, turning you into him now:

U send me a pm and start text me and we keep a conversation. U say your name and where U live. Turns out you live close to me. I dont like giving details about my life to a stranger so U send me Your FB. I dont send you mine so U still dont know who I am. Conversation goes on few days. You ask me: «wouldn’t it be better for U to find someone at your age?» The man I was then inlove with was my fathers age.

I think it will be easier for me just to fall on love with U, but you dont look like someone I will like. Naturally the conversation ends few days.

Then I’m at my hometown where my crush lives. I ask you what to do if he tries to bring me home after a party like he did before. Saying Im tired of being virgin, but afraid he will just use me. So I give you details. Naturally we have our real life, not only online, so conversation end. Lets move to 2023. 
 

Im bored. Text you on this pm if you want me to add you on FB. You say yes. I do. U ask «is that you» . Nothing happens. I dont care much. Just a new «friend». 
U start to text. Innocent stuff. Then U start «how are u» «had a nice day?» I reply. Then you start send more and more. I feel something but its not big. Asking me if Im outside in this weather. You randomly start to text me about what you are doing. «I hate being sick». I reply. Conversations is becoming longer. Turns to texting every week to every day. U say that U have to put your phone down because you have to Get up to work, writing «Goodnight MyName🥰» I reply «Goodnight!». Yes I can see it seems cold now. 
Next day the same. U invite me out. We try to figure out where. I let U find the place. U do, U say where. Close to me. Text every day. The day comes and U ask if Im ready. U write «Ill call U when Im There» I reply «ok, just text me when ur close:)». We meet. Talk a lot. Laught. We have to go. My feelings starts to sparkle. The day after as well. 

Edited February 1, 2024 by FastHeart

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, FastHeart said:

I tought ghosting was something someone did if they really want to escape from that person. That they dont like at all.

It's not.  It's when they disappear without saying anything to let you know that it's coming or why they're doing it.  You will never know. They just ... poof!  gone.

Like a ghost.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

Let me try make it easy, I will make the scanario for you, turning you into him 

You have explained things already.  It doesn't help you to keep rewriting different variations over and over.

You were chatting online, decided to meet, had a good time, texted a bit after and he hasn't replied to your last communication. It's really that simple 

However why are you refusing to contact him?  That would help you most in solving this dilemma..

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Just to Get a no, right..

If you genuinely want to date or be in a relationship, you have to accept that this is an inherent possibility. People can say no. And that's okay. I think all of us giving you advice here have experienced rejection multiple times. And this guy took the risk that you would reject him when he showed an interest in you.

[NuevoYorko]

You've been going around and around in circles for FIVE PAGES.  Either take some action or just block & delete this guy so you can stop driving yourself bonkers over it.

[FastHeart]

What would you think? Back of and think not interested or try?

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

What would you think? Back of and think not interested or try?

However why are you refusing to contact him?  That would help you most in solving this dilemma..

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, FastHeart said:

Im not generally looking for a bf. I felt so free before I did the stupied thing and said yes to meet this guy. 
So then I feel I met one, like without preparing. 

Okay. You're still spiraling (and I use that term loosely because I don't want to imply that there is something wrong with you) over one unreturned text message from a man you've been on one date with and spent five hours with.  If that's all it takes to set you off, you might want to question why. 

No one knows why he didn't text back. But honestly, does it really matter in the long run? If he's someone who is going to make you feel this anxious and uncertain after one date, is he really the person you want to pursue anything further with? It would be better to address how to not get too caught up in someone else's actions or lack thereof.

If this guy doesn't have the decency to respond to a simple text, then he's probably not worth your time.

Edited February 2, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FastHeart]

45 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay. You're still spiraling (and I use that term loosely because I don't want to imply that there is something wrong with you) over one unreturned text message from a man you've been on one date with and spent five hours with.  If that's all it takes to set you off, you might want to question why. 

No one knows why he didn't text back. But honestly, does it really matter in the long run? If he's someone who is going to make you feel this anxious and uncertain after one date, is he really the person you want to pursue anything further with? It would be better to address how to not get too caught up in someone else's actions or lack thereof.

If this guy doesn't have the decency to respond to a simple text, then he's probably not worth your time.

I did never think I could like him. Its not him causing me anxiety. This is how I react when this happens. It has happened every single time. So its not the guys causing me anxiety. 
 

I just dont know to just take this as a hint he is not interested at all/I dont mean anything. 
 

As told, I have 2 inside voices. One is telling me to keep it this way and wait for long time and let it fade (if he’s not texting first), the other is that I stop being a pussy.

When I felt like this few years ago I lived abroad and were about to end my work There but I did love this guy and I was like Ill text him the day before I leave, but still I didn’t do. I sent picture of an airplane on my insta stort and he wrote me There: «take care». 
 

But Im not like I KNOW this is the man for me. Its not like Im saying to people «I’ve met a guy and we are dating». 
But I’ve told someone that I’ve met someone interesting. And when I say I’m going out tonight they like: «U going on date with that guy?😉»

aah. This is like being in a Saw trap. «You have Xx days to text to text him»

[d0nnivain]

@FastHeart 

What do you want?  You are here bemoaning the fact that he hasn't gotten back to you but then you say you don't want a BF.  If you don't want a BF, then it doesn't matter than he hasn't responded.  

You then say you want to be "friends first" or at least you are OK with that.  Sorry but modern dating doesn't work like that.  In school or with people you have an independent reason to see every day in class or at work, you can develop a rapport outside of the pressures of dating.  To some extend you & this guy did that with all the texting & other interactions you had before you met in person.  But the date -- the act of agreeing in advance to get together to spend time together -- is the get to know you vehicle.  Going on dates does not mean you & the other person are dating or that you are exclusive.  It just means you have adhered to a social convention & intentionally set a time & place to get together.  

When you say things like "friends first" people think they have been friend-zoned & they back off.  Words matter.  

You mention being disappointed when you saw a picture of him but then say your feelings warmed over time as you got to know each other.   That feeds into his weight insecurity.  Clearly he's not movie star handsome & doesn't give every woman in the world the instant tingles by his good looks alone.  He is well aware of that which is why he made the self-deprecating comment about his weight precluding him from dating a pretty girl like you.  Thus he has convinced himself that you don't like him & he's ghosting to avoid further rejection / pain.  You two have a huge communications gap. 

You are focused on you & your struggles.  Most people are focused on themselves.  You want reassurance that you are doing things correctly & that your feelings for somebody else are reciprocated.  That is human nature.  But step back a moment.  Take the time to realize that other people need that reassurance too.  When somebody has things to be insecure about, like their weight, they need extra TLC.  You have been so focused on you:  what you did, your Aspergers, your need for validation that you can't see the fact that you are not giving any of that reassurance to him.  Again a communications gap.  

Ghosting is simply not responding.  It has no motives attached to the definition.  Leaving somebody on read is ghosting.  Whether he did it out of laziness, fear, meanness or because he was too sick to respond can't be determined by the act of not responding.  Nobody thinks he's not responding because he is mean.  He could be but we don't know.  Ghosting is a path of least resistance, what some people do when they do not want to be direct & say they are not interested.  It's also what shy insecure people do when they fear rejection.  Based on all the evidence I see in your thread:  your ages; how long you dilly dallied on line; your expressed insecurities; his weight; your inability to read & process social cues, I'm surmising that his ghosting is a function of him being scared which is why I keep telling you to act. 

You claim not to want to reach out because you don't want to seem "too interested."  That is 1950s thinking that woman have no rights & have to passively wait for some man.  Be assertive.  Go after what you want.  What's wrong with letting somebody you know you are interested?  How else are the supposed to know?  Men are not mind readers.  

I have shared this experience before but it might help you.  I was at a singles event.  I started talking to this guy.  Turned out he had a business need for a service my company provides so most of our conversation was about work but not all.  I thought I was shamelessly flirting my butt off -- flipping my hair, laughing too much at his lame jokes, casually touching him.   I had to leave before the event was over because I had another meeting.  I gave him my business card & told him I'd be happy to help him professionally but I'd be even happier if he called for personal reasons.  I winked & left.  I felt like a hussy.   On our date he admitted that if I hadn't said that he never would have called. I was floored; I couldn't believe that until that brazen statement he missed all the other flirting & signaling that I had been doing.  My point:  men can be clueless; help the guy out. 

Nobody likes rejection so if you reach out & he still says no, that will hurt.  But at least you will know.  To me that is soooooo much better than wondering.  You will have a clean break from which you can move forward.  If you simply let this pass & you do nothing you will have a lifetime of regret wondering what could have been.  

 

FWIW, I understood when you said you ended the date because you had work.  I'm telling you that HE may have missed that because he was too caught up in whatever his expectations were that any end not initiated by him was a bit of a rejection.  He was very busy on your date being worried that you wouldn't like him because he is fat.  

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

I did never think I could like him. Its not him causing me anxiety. This is how I react when this happens. It has happened every single time. So its not the guys causing me anxiety. 
 

I just dont know to just take this as a hint he is not interested at all/I dont mean anything. 
 

As told, I have 2 inside voices. One is telling me to keep it this way and wait for long time and let it fade (if he’s not texting first), the other is that I stop being a pussy.

When I felt like this few years ago I lived abroad and were about to end my work There but I did love this guy and I was like Ill text him the day before I leave, but still I didn’t do. I sent picture of an airplane on my insta stort and he wrote me There: «take care». 
 

But Im not like I KNOW this is the man for me. Its not like Im saying to people «I’ve met a guy and we are dating». 
But I’ve told someone that I’ve met someone interesting. And when I say I’m going out tonight they like: «U going on date with that guy?😉»

aah. This is like being in a Saw trap. «You have Xx days to text to text him»

I understand your confusion but my point is that receiving a text back from him does not automatically mean someone has strong feelings towards you. Therefore, it is not worth obsessing over his responses.

Texting is good for making plans to see each other in person, rather than being taken too seriously.

Even if his lack of a response means that he’s rejecting you, so what? Or maybe it’s because you’re not saying anything that warrants a response. Sure, it may hurt if he doesn’t respond, but just remember that people walk in and out of our lives for reasons we may not always understand.

Edited February 2, 2024 by Alpacalia

[d0nnivain]

@FastHeart

You say therapy hasn't worked for you.  I can understand that.  You are not "broken" in the same way many us struggle with depression & anxiety.   If I didn't have my therapist I'd probably be dead by now.  I need that outlet but I'm conventional.  You are not.  (that is not a bad thing, just a fact)

You have a condition: Aspergers .  You don't need the outlet therapy provides.  You need skills & coping mechanisms to help you navigate the world.  That is a special set of issues that is rarely well addressed through traditional therapy.  Try finding a Aspergers group / agency / organization.  They often have workshops deigned to teach you how to navigate the world.   With those skills you might find yourself more happy.    This may be a starting place:  

 https://www.bing.com/search?q=asperger's+groups&qs=UT&pq=asperger's+gr&sk=MT1&sc=10-13&cvid=20F7ABA3515E4D1EB89E3A44D1A6F54C&FORM=QBRE&sp=2&ghc=1&lq=0

 

Good luck

[NuevoYorko]

I already told you what I think you should do.  Block and delete.

You have 5 pages of people trying to coach you through this and you simply go back to the same corner.

The future cannot be known and you don't even know this guy either.  So nobody is going to tell you what will happen.  You can't accept this.  So close this door in your mind and move on.

[FastHeart]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I already told you what I think you should do.  Block and delete.

You have 5 pages of people trying to coach you through this and you simply go back to the same corner.

The future cannot be known and you don't even know this guy either.  So nobody is going to tell you what will happen.  You can't accept this.  So close this door in your mind and move on.

What corner do I go to? What can’t I accept? That he didn’t reply? 
If I shal move on every [ ]  time someone doesn’t respond I will be alone forever. I’ve knew people before that could be really slow at replying and forgetful. Doesn’t mean they ignore Your exsistense. 
 

How do I close this door in my mind? How do you do it? 
Some here says I shal try to reach out, U and some other recommend block and delete.

Would be very typical if you get it right. Very very typical.

Edited February 2, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

What corner do I go to? What can’t I accept? That he didn’t reply? 
If I shal move on every fckn time someone doesn’t respond I will be alone forever. I’ve knew people before that could be really slow at replying and forgetful. Doesn’t mean they ignore Your exsistense. 
 

How do I close this door in my mind? How do you do it? 
Some here says I shal try to reach out, U and some other recommend block and delete.

Would be very typical if you get it right. Very very typical.

I understand your frustration and confusion. Closing the door in your mind means accepting the fact that this person may not respond to you or may not want to be in contact with you. It means acknowledging that things may have come to an end and it's time to move on. 

To answer your question, the reasons for not reaching out again can vary.  Sometimes it's a matter of self-respect and not wanting to pursue someone who is not showing interest. Other times it may be a personal decision to create distance and focus on moving on. But you have to figure out which one applies to you.

I sympathize with you, I do. It's hard to know what to do in these situations and it's normal to want direction or answers but ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what feels right for you and what you are comfortable with. We can sit here and try to push you out of your comfort zone but that won't mean much if you're not ready to do it.

I have paralyzing fear when it comes to certain things and I freeze sorta like you. It's constructive fear to the extent that you know you need to step slightly out of your comfort zone but if you jump too far too fast you trip and waver. Believe me, I know it may sound cliche and it is but you know the answer and only you can make the best decision for yourself. It's scary not having solutions but (1) You will be fine. You will deal. You will change. You will build something extraordinary. (2) Don't become a victim to the situation.

For me, "What If's" destroy me. I am way too analytical sometimes, so I have this barking dog that chases my tail. That dog is like a ninja and is naturally ruthless. In your case and in mine it's important to realize that "What if" is happening in the present and "If this then that" is happening in the future. If we "What if" situations all the time we're treading water. If we say "if this then that" our minds are on the future and it's a two sided sword because you become fixated no matter how much you try to convince yourself of trying to let go.

To sum it up, only reach out if you genuinely want to and if it's for the right reasons. If not, then find closure within yourself and focus on moving forward. And as for dealing with the fear and uncertainty, try to trust yourself and understand that no matter what happens, you will be able to handle it and you will come out stronger. 

[FastHeart]

36 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I understand your frustration and confusion. Closing the door in your mind means accepting the fact that this person may not respond to you or may not want to be in contact with you. It means acknowledging that things may have come to an end and it's time to move on. 

To answer your question, the reasons for not reaching out again can vary.  Sometimes it's a matter of self-respect and not wanting to pursue someone who is not showing interest. Other times it may be a personal decision to create distance and focus on moving on. But you have to figure out which one applies to you.

I sympathize with you, I do. It's hard to know what to do in these situations and it's normal to want direction or answers but ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what feels right for you and what you are comfortable with. We can sit here and try to push you out of your comfort zone but that won't mean much if you're not ready to do it.

I have paralyzing fear when it comes to certain things and I freeze sorta like you. It's constructive fear to the extent that you know you need to step slightly out of your comfort zone but if you jump too far too fast you trip and waver. Believe me, I know it may sound cliche and it is but you know the answer and only you can make the best decision for yourself. It's scary not having solutions but (1) You will be fine. You will deal. You will change. You will build something extraordinary. (2) Don't become a victim to the situation.

For me, "What If's" destroy me. I am way too analytical sometimes, so I have this barking dog that chases my tail. That dog is like a ninja and is naturally ruthless. In your case and in mine it's important to realize that "What if" is happening in the present and "If this then that" is happening in the future. If we "What if" situations all the time we're treading water. If we say "if this then that" our minds are on the future and it's a two sided sword because you become fixated no matter how much you try to convince yourself of trying to let go.

To sum it up, only reach out if you genuinely want to and if it's for the right reasons. If not, then find closure within yourself and focus on moving forward. And as for dealing with the fear and uncertainty, try to trust yourself and understand that no matter what happens, you will be able to handle it and you will come out stronger. 

Thank you for your time. I just miss the fun we used to have. Now its nothing from him. Can he be afraid that he might be to flirty? When U write «🥰» in a Goodnight message. I could never do so to someone I was crushin on in fear of svare them away😅 

Yes I dont think I will die from any of it. 
 

But what do you feel? If U have to choose between he is ignorering me/not interested or backed up?

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

Thank you for your time. I just miss the fun we used to have. Now its nothing from him. Can he be afraid that he might be to flirty? When U write «🥰» in a Goodnight message. I could never do so to someone I was crushin on in fear of svare them away😅 

Yes I dont think I will die from any of it. 
 

But what do you feel? If U have to choose between he is ignorering me/not interested or backed up?

I don't know. I just posted about air bisquits.... To be honest, I am not sure. It ultimately doesn't matter how he feels or why he is acting a certain way. What matters is how you feel and if his actions are making you happy. If you feel like his lack of response or effort is causing you more stress than joy that's not a promising sign.

[FastHeart]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't know. I just posted about air bisquits.... To be honest, I am not sure. It ultimately doesn't matter how he feels or why he is acting a certain way. What matters is how you feel and if his actions are making you happy. If you feel like his lack of response or effort is causing you more stress than joy that's not a promising sign.

So it depends on how I feel? If I didn’t care it would change the fact he’s not interested? 
This has nothing to do with him. I react like this every single time. 
But Im just not sure to just let it fade because I was the last one replying. 

[FastHeart]

I have a phobic towards this. The timenI have to say «I like you too» back. Im afraid that will happen. Than I panic and reject him anyways. 
Its maybe even more Scary but only way for me to learn to interact with people (in this way) will be to do so. Im trying to find back to the person I was before I liked him. Then I would not care he’s responses. 

If a guy says he likes me he likes me but I still feel they will turn away because they find higher quality girls