Willowlane88 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 I need multiple questions answered as I am too close to feel like I can find solid ground on my own. The first question (that doesn’t need a background story) is Can and do private relationships exist without secrets/cheating involved? Is this common in British culture? I am 39 dating a 49 year old male. Our relationship is long distance now but have plans of moving him to the states, it’s going to take some time and we are both aware of that. I want to start off saying his actions match his words on every aspect. There is never a time he doesn’t show up, or stick to his word. That being said I need sense talked into me if I’m the problem here, if…. We are in a full blown relationship, bc/gf…. No grey lines. We have set times we speak every day, this isn’t a situation where I’m trying to figure out how he feels on most areas. The problem I’m running into is he’s not big into taking our relationship public. He says I’m not a secret, he says his family and the friends he does speak to know about me. I have not met anyone yet being as we are long distance. He is a semi well known wildlife photographer, his page has a large following. He uses this page for business mostly. He doesn’t post people unless they are in the industry and it’s a trip they’ve done together. It’s mostly animals. I understand he wants this page to stay all business. However he has in the past made comments on other peoples pages that while aren’t flirty they also aren’t about business. It seems like the only person any of the rules apply to is me. People can comment whatever and he doesn’t stop me either but he doesn’t interact as if he knows me. I’ve only done it once. I deleted the comment. It makes me feel like he’s hiding something…. And yes I have trust issues, yes I’m in therapy… I just can’t tell if I’m freaking out over nothing and should focus on the other positives. He has other forms of social media but he doesn’t really use them. Fb he doesn’t post but from time to time he likes peoples stuff. This isn’t s business page and don’t understand why he can’t put that he’s with me on there…. We do use snap sometimes for videos and pictures and his snap score only changes if I send him something, if I don’t it doesn’t change. if he doesn’t have a history of lying to me, and it’s not a trust thing.. can someone please explain why this makes me feel so terrible? And is it worth ending an otherwise decent relationship over Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: I am 39 dating a 49 year old male. Our relationship is long distance now but have plans of moving him to the states, We have set times we speak every day, The problem I’m running into is he’s not big into taking our relationship public. How long have you been together? Have you met in person? How far apart are you? How often do you see each other? Have you met each other's family or friends? Edited January 29 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 I have not met any of his family or friends, he’s talked to my daughter though. They “know” about me or I’m being told they do but I wouldn’t know bc I’ve never spoken to them. It’s been 6 months, yes and and I’m from the us/ he’s from the uk. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 17 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: It’s been 6 months, yes and and I’m from the us/ he’s from the uk. How often have you visited each other? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 38 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: It seems like the only person any of the rules apply to is me. People can comment whatever and he doesn’t stop me either but he doesn’t interact as if he knows me. I’ve only done it once. I deleted the comment. It makes me feel like he’s hiding something…. Have you come out and told him how this makes you feel? It's difficult being in a long distance relationship if you have trust issues. I'm surprised you aren't involved with someone close by who you can see, know and meet the people in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 It's important to know how often you've visited each other, how long you've spent together and what type of things you have done while together. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 (edited) 1 hour ago, Willowlane88 said: He is a semi well known wildlife photographer, his page has a large following. He uses this page for business mostly. He doesn’t post people unless they are in the industry and it’s a trip they’ve done together. It’s mostly animals. I understand he wants this page to stay all business. However he has in the past made comments on other peoples pages that while aren’t flirty they also aren’t about business. It seems like the only person any of the rules apply to is me. To be honest, I'm having trouble understanding what he's doing wrong. Only professionals or people he's travelled with are on the page, so yes, it makes sense that you're not on the page. But what is the bolded about? Is it that you want him to post on your page? FWIW, I follow many IG threads related to my interests. The posts are always about the topic, or perhaps involve people who do that thing with them. It never gets personal with discussion or mention of partners. Edited January 29 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 He's 49 years old. He doesn't come from the generation where you show your love and affection online. Whereas your generation is validated by things posted online rather how they treat you in person. I think if you're going to date older men you have to think maturely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 1 hour ago, Willowlane88 said: he has in the past made comments on other peoples pages that while aren’t flirty they also aren’t about business. It seems like the only person any of the rules apply to is me. People can comment whatever and he doesn’t stop me either but he doesn’t interact as if he knows me. Are you sure you're in a relationship and not just a follower? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you sure you're in a relationship and not just a follower? Lol well we say I love you and I’ve seen his d*ck, so I think it’s safe to say it’s a relationship. Also we’ve agreed it’s an exclusive relationship. Not an exclusive following lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 53 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said: He's 49 years old. He doesn't come from the generation where you show your love and affection online. Whereas your generation is validated by things posted online rather how they treat you in person. I think if you're going to date older men you have to think maturely. I’ve considered it’s a difference in generational mindset. I’m all for being the person in the wrong. I’m just trying to understand why I feel so strongly about it. It could just be this…. That I need to be looking at how consistent he is, how his actions match his words.. etc. instead of what we are told that matters in my age group. I’m all for changing my perspective also, it’s kind of why I asked the first question… Can private relationships exist without there being a reason thats nefarious…. I’m not use to them. My friends are around my age and younger so they of course say no… I came here to get a more broader understanding of things bc unfortunately I’m not going to find it in people around me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: we say I love you and I’ve seen his d*ck, so I think it’s safe to say it’s a relationship. Also we’ve agreed it’s an exclusive relationship. Sorry to ask, it's just that you don't seem to know a lot about him and haven't mentioned if you have visited each other. Not sure what you mean by "do private relationships exist without secrets/cheating involved? Is this common in British culture?" Not sure what the UK has to do with this or what is implied by "private relationship". Do you mean you feel like a secret in his life? Edited January 30 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 1 hour ago, basil67 said: To be honest, I'm having trouble understanding what he's doing wrong. Only professionals or people he's travelled with are on the page, so yes, it makes sense that you're not on the page. But what is the bolded about? Is it that you want him to post on your page? FWIW, I follow many IG threads related to my interests. The posts are always about the topic, or perhaps involve people who do that thing with them. It never gets personal with discussion or mention of partners. The bolded is about how I can understand it being a business only page if that’s all it was. Sometimes he posts things unrelated to his work in his stories (sports or music) and the comments on others posts aren’t always professional. Like females he’s never met, they aren’t super creepy but talking about having a drink and what not isn’t exactly work related. Also I don’t mean going to have a drink together. The comments aren’t a red flag in themself it just seems as if the rules only apply to me bc I’m the one in the relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
SlimShadysWife Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: I’ve considered it’s a difference in generational mindset. I’m all for being the person in the wrong. I’m just trying to understand why I feel so strongly about it. It could just be this…. That I need to be looking at how consistent he is, how his actions match his words.. etc. instead of what we are told that matters in my age group. I’m all for changing my perspective also, it’s kind of why I asked the first question… Can private relationships exist without there being a reason thats nefarious…. I’m not use to them. My friends are around my age and younger so they of course say no… I came here to get a more broader understanding of things bc unfortunately I’m not going to find it in people around me. I think it's because you don't have real physical interaction with him in real life too. Do you FaceTime? It's not a secret relationship. But you can post a pic of you two and tag him in it? See how he reacts. Edited January 30 by SlimShadysWife Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: Can private relationships exist without there being a reason thats nefarious…. I’m about your partner’s age. My partner is very private. He’s not on social media. He would prefer to stay home just the two of us all the time if I would agree… But when we started dating, he was keen to tell people about me… and he wanted me to meet his friends and family. Perhaps I missed it - how many times have you met in person? Has he ever introduced you to his family or friends? Edited January 30 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to ask, it's just that you don't seem to know a lot about him and haven't mentioned if you have visited each other. Not sure what you mean by "do private relationships exist without secrets/cheating involved? Is this common in British culture?" Not sure what the UK has to do with this or what is implied by "private relationship". Do you mean you feel like a secret in his life? Yes, sorry. He’s British, so that’s why I asked about the culture. We haven’t seen each other in a while bc of the distance, but also saving to just make this next trip his permanent move here. Otherwise we do all the normal couple stuff… and while we are ldr we have set times we talk to each other throughout the day as well as little check ins to keep each other in the know how of one another. As well as… keeping the other spark alive with pictures and videos lol. The end of your sentence hit the nail on the head. He’s told me over and over I’m not a secret, but bc I haven’t met anyone yet (I know I will) and bc he doesn’t post about me it makes me feel like I am a secret. This could be all in my head. I suffer from a lot of relationship anxiety. This could be me trying to find something…. I guess when I came here it’s for like full on guidance bc I can’t tell what’s intuition or my own fear. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: This could be all in my head. I suffer from a lot of relationship anxiety. As someone said above, long distance relationships tend to create lots of anxiety… I think the fact that you live on different continents is not working in your favour… Edited January 30 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Willowlane88 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 3 minutes ago, SlimShadysWife said: I think it's because you don't have real physical interaction with him in real life too. Do you FaceTime? We haven’t been. We spend a solid 2 hours a night talking but it’s usually through recorded video replies or just texting. Maybe it’s something I should try to implement….. neither one of us have ever said no to it, I think we just kind of fall into routine. Sometimes we talk only in voice notes too. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: We haven’t been. We spend a solid 2 hours a night talking but it’s usually through recorded video replies or just texting. Maybe it’s something I should try to implement….. neither one of us have ever said no to it, I think we just kind of fall into routine. Sometimes we talk only in voice notes too. I’m sorry, I find that so odd. Don’t get me wrong, I love texting with my partner - it can be fun! But, I would want to have that personal connection too - I would want to hear his voice and see his smile… if we were not able to be together. I was away for a week early this month and we FaceTimed twice. I’m curious why you would chose a recorded video reply and not FaceTime? I would never think to do that myself… Edited January 30 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 43 minutes ago, Willowlane88 said: . We spend a solid 2 hours a night talking but it’s usually through recorded video replies or just texting. Sometimes we talk only in voice notes too. Have you wondered why there's no real time interaction? Certainly you can talk or video chat live on Whatsapp. What up with voice notes? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 1 hour ago, Willowlane88 said: Lol well we say I love you and I’ve seen his d*ck, so I think it’s safe to say it’s a relationship. Also we’ve agreed it’s an exclusive relationship. Not an exclusive following lol. "I love you" without actions to back it up is just words. And a lot of guys will show their dick to anyone who will look. Based on this, it is not at all safe to say it's a relationship. How is his visa progressing? Given that you don't have a long established, face to face relationship with him - make sure that you aren't listed as a partner on the Visa application. Likewise, don't put yourself on the hook for providing accommodation. I worry that he's using you for entry to the US 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 You still have not said how often you've seen each other in person. I am getting the impression that this is more an "online relationship" than a "long distance" one. Is that the case? Is he planning to come to the US on a "fiancé visa"? How far along are you in that process? You're surely aware that you will need a lot of proof in the form of documented shared experiences, friends in common, etc. in order to obtain that kind of visa. I don't think that an "online only" or "mostly" relationship of 6 months is going to do the trick. Maybe you think that the answers to these questions are none of our business, but they really are pertinent. If the only way you interact is online, it makes more of a difference that he does not have pictures of the two of you together etc. on his social media, since that's the only way your relationship is really playing out. If you have visited him at his home and he did not introduce you to any of his people, yes, I would find that weird. If you haven't spent time together in person, I would find it sort of odd that you don't have a presence in his online life - though frankly, I would find that situation unrealistic for a lot of reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) 4 hours ago, Willowlane88 said: . Our relationship is long distance now but have plans of moving him to the states, it’s going to take some time and we are both aware of that. Where did you meet in person? Were you visiting the UK or was he visiting the US? Why would someone with an illustrious photography profession in the UK want to uproot and move to you in the US? Especially after just exchanging voice notes and sexts for 6 months? Edited January 30 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 3 hours ago, Willowlane88 said: We spend a solid 2 hours a night talking but it’s usually through recorded video replies or just texting. Have you seen the show called Scamfish? Hun I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. I know life is lonely but this isn't the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 8 minutes ago, IrinaM said: Have you seen the show called Scamfish? This crossed my mind as well. There's so many things that don't really add up and worrying about being "FB official" doesn't seem to explain a lot of the inconsistencies. Please read up on distance romances that don't seem to make sense: https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/data-visualizations/data-spotlight/2023/02/romance-scammers-favorite-lies-exposed Link to post Share on other sites
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