What should I do?

[Anon193]

 

Hey lads and lasses, 
I need some help here. 
Backstory: I grew up in a stoic family. Emotions were seen as a weakness. That said, I didn't have any real intimacy issues when I was young, I had my share of gfs and I had no problem with dancing, kissing or anything. 
Then, when I was 16, I started having sleeping issues. We're talking about nightmares within nightmares (inception-style) that went several layers deep. After 4-5 iterations, when waking up I'd be unaware if I was living in reality. After 6-7 iterations, it'd take me the entire morning to get my head straight. After 8+ iterations, I'd come home unsure if I was awake. I had sleep paralysis too, but that was something I learnt to deal with. I even preferred it to the alternative. 
I slowly spiralled down into a depression (at the time undiagnosed) but as I considered it a weakness I thougt I had to fix it own and needless to say it just got worse. Point being I slowly started [messing] up, worse and worse, and after a year I had to double a year at school because of it. I couldn't bear any kind of intimacy anymore, I'd literally freeze and withdraw as soon as someone touched me. It’s only very recently I kind of overcame it. 
 
So I left for a boarding school and met this amazing girl. It wasn't healthy but I immediately got way too attached to her. She was the only light in my life at this point, and would always come sit next to me on the sofa and it meant a lot. 
Of course, life isn't a fairy tale so I kind of pushed her away as I did my other best friends. Difference being, she wouldn't let me. 
 
Somewhere along the way of being stuck between reality and nightmares, I started believing I was in a traumatic train accident and lost the love of my life. I don't know why, or how, but I can tell you it [messed] me up as I'd have constant flashes and even hallucinations during the day, and I started believing it. I told it to her like it was the truth. Because at the time I believed it was. Then we did some digging around and it was impossible for me to have been there.  

I completely shamed her trust by doing so, even if she keeps saying I didn't. Further spiralling down my depression, I started becoming highly suicidal and she was basically the only one hat kept me going. She literally saved my life. I confessed my feelings to her at one point, and she seemed uncomfortable with it. I don't know, she looked me dead in the eyes and asked me if I had feelings for her. Now, I'm a terrible liar and she sees through pretty much all lies of everyone. 
  
But that day, what came to my mind was (1) That she would take distance from me if I said yes, (2) That she deserves better, a lot better, and that I wasn't capable of making her happy and (3) That I wanted this woman in my life no matter what. 
  
So I looked her dead in the eye and coldly lied that I used to, but that they were gone by then. 
  
But the difficulty of suppressing my feelings -even if they were partly suppressed due to the sleep deprivation- and the  guilt of having hurt her - even unintentionally -was too much. 
  
Every knife I saw, I could see myself and had to step mysel from sticking it in my neck. Every rope I saw, every heighth I faced ... I had to fight it. You get the message. I spent 6 months in the hospital after failing my civil engineering studies due to my sleeping issues. 
  
After that, everything turned for the better and I reconnected with a lot of my former friends, but due to being medicated in the hospital I got fat too. So I had a lot to rebuild. Especially those intimacy issues. 
 
So we’re gonna skip-forward 12 years, we kind of became best friends although we hadn’t seen each other all that often because we both started working, she was still studying an additional degree at the same time, and she bought a house that needed a lot of work done. I did help her a bit with that, of course.  
 
But in december my sleeping issues were less, and I started dreaming about a life with her, even with kids. I was completely overwhelmed as I’d spent years deprived of proper sleep. My libido also shot up ... a lot.  
 
She introduced me to fitness, and has kind of been my personal coach, and we’ve basically been seeing each other 3 times a week, even if it’s a 1-hour drive. She told me she’s been dating people but hasn’t had a relationship since 6 years ago, and that she’s kind of feeling a bit of pressure to find a partner as we’re both 30 by now. She constantly pushes me to date people through Bumble and Tinder too. 
 
The guy she’s currently dating asked if he could come along to a show we were going to see. She didn’t reply to him as she thought it would be awkward to have him meet her friends at the 4th date. I told her he was absolutely welcome. 
 
And now we get to the core of the issue. So we’re there, having fun, he’s an overall pretty decent guy, and I start really getting bothered by how clingy he was. Like, way more bothered than I should be. Because I want her to be happy. Above everything. And I don’t believe I have what it takes to make her happy. But I don’t think he has it either, and I don’t think he’s close to being good enough for her either. 
 
At the end, one of our friends joked about going home crying, and I kind of overdid it with “yay let’s all go home and cry”. She immediately picked up on it, and I know she will interrogate me about it next time we go to the fitness. 
 
The issue here is we’re going to Morocco next month, with 3 in a room, everything booked, and I really don’t want to make things awkward. But honestly, it’s eating me alive currently. 
 
So I want your advice: Should I tell her about how much I’m currently struggling with my feelings about her? Should I wait untill after our vacation? Or should I just forget about it alltogether? I do want to keep this woman in my life.


Tried to give as much information as I could, but probably forgot a few things

Edited January 28 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Anon193 said:

  Further spiralling down my depression, I started becoming highly suicidal. I spent 6 months in the hospital after failing my civil engineering studies due to my sleeping issues. due to being medicated in the hospital I got fat too.  we’re both 30 by now. The issue here is we’re going to Morocco next month, with 3 in a room, everything booked, and I really don’t want to make things awkward. 

Is she going on this vacation? Does she have a BF? Have you followed up with your physician about the hallucinations, depression/ bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts? 

Edited January 28 by Wiseman2

[Anon193]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she going on this vacation? Does she have a BF? Have you followed up with your physician about the hallucinations, depression/ bipolar disorder and suicidal thoughts? 

Yeah, I'm going with her and another friend.

She's been on 3 dates with that lad now, so I wouldn't call him her BG yet.

Hallucinations have stopped, as I wrote it's been more than a decade now since I let it get so bad. Same with the suicidal thoughts and the depression.

Hells, the last 2 months were probably the happiest I've ever been to be alive. It's just that this single thing is kind of eating me up and I'm unsure what I should do, so that's why I came here seeking the opinion of anons.

I'm not bipolar. I just went through a pretty rough patch. Like a lot of people, I reckon.

[MsJayne]

The fact that she's dating someone means that it's not a good time to confess feelings, and it also means that she's currently not interested in you as a romantic partner. I think if you do speak up you'll be running the risk of making the friendship awkward or losing it altogether, and I definitely wouldn't crtiticise the guy she's dating because you'd just come off sounding jealous and b****y 🙂. If you're in a good head space and life's good, why rock the boat? I'd go on the holiday and have a good time, focus on keeping life on track, keep up the fitness routine, and maybe try dating other girls. You sound a little fixated on her, and perhaps that's making you blind to other possibilities. 

[Alpacalia]

She's pushing you to date others ̣̣– that should tell you something.

Congratulations on the dramatic transitions life is taking you through.

[Anon193]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

The fact that she's dating someone means that it's not a good time to confess feelings, and it also means that she's currently not interested in you as a romantic partner. I think if you do speak up you'll be running the risk of making the friendship awkward or losing it altogether, and I definitely wouldn't crtiticise the guy she's dating because you'd just come off sounding jealous and b****y 🙂. If you're in a good head space and life's good, why rock the boat? I'd go on the holiday and have a good time, focus on keeping life on track, keep up the fitness routine, and maybe try dating other girls. You sound a little fixated on her, and perhaps that's making you blind to other possibilities. 

Thanks for the input. I guess I'm going to try the snuff-it-out route then.

Honestly it's what I've always done and was about to do anyway, but I was afraid I was being blindsided by my cowardice regarding feelings.

It's always good to have a second opinion when you're unable to see clearly.🙂
 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Anon193 said:

Yeah, I'm going with her and another friend.She's been on 3 dates with that lad now, 

Try to have a fun trip without making it awkward. She's not going as your GF so it could get awkward. 

[Anon193]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to have a fun trip without making it awkward. She's not going as your GF so it could get awkward. 

It won't. We've been best friends for over a decade after all.
 

I just decided with the input I got in this thread I'll keep my mouth shut. She'll probably notice something is up, but if so I'll just tell her something's bothering me and I'll deal with it.
She tends to respect my secrets more than she did when we were younger so I'm gonna place my hope on that and that it'll blow over soon.

I guess I just panicked and overreacted a little due to my and our history. 

All good now. Thread can be closed. 😁