fazersausy Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 Long story short, I was with my first love for 3 years before we broke up nearly 10 years ago. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out. I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017. At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her. At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. Today I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and I am due to start a new chapter in my career next week. But I do wonder now if I should get in touch with her, I know its been a long time and we have both changed a lot. I have noticed that she has cut off a lot of people from her social media so I'm not too sure how she'd react to me adding her. I also feel sorry for her after everything she's been through, is it worth me getting in touch with her even after all this time? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 What would be your end goal in getting in touch with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 24 minutes ago, fazersausy said: Today I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. As for me I have been single for a few years now How did you find out about her divorce? What is your incentive for getting back in touch? Do you have anything in common or live near each other after all this time? You could try to contact her via social media and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fazersausy Posted January 27 Author Share Posted January 27 20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How did you find out about her divorce? What is your incentive for getting back in touch? Do you have anything in common or live near each other after all this time? You could try to contact her via social media and see what happens. I know who her ex is, not personally but I know he's definitely getting married again soon. Also, one of her university friends is married to my relatives and she has revealed everything to her as they are social media friends. We live within 10 minutes of each other Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Sure, go for it. Keep in mind that she has been through a lot with her ex-husband. Start slow, catch up on each other's lives, and see where it goes from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 Yes, lt may be the right time to get back in touch. Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose. Give us an update ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fazersausy Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 Long story short, I was with my first love for 3 years before we broke up nearly 10 years ago. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out. I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017. At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her. At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. A few weeks ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and I am due to start a new chapter in my career next week. I considered getting in touch with her a few months ago but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she'd react to me adding her, I thought she'd reject me seen as she's cutting if a lot of people. So yesterday I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She's also been viewing my stories, I haven't spoke to her yet. Is this a positive sign? Advice would be really appreciated, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 4 minutes ago, fazersausy said: yesterday I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She's also been viewing my stories, I haven't spoke to her yet. Why not suggest catching up over a drink, coffee or meal? She seems receptive so far. Is this the same woman?: Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 It's social media. It's nothing. People add people all the time just to have a count. Since you are clearly hung up on her use the message feature. Say hi. Ask if she's like to grab a coffee. You are not a stranger. If she says yes, great. If she says no, let it go. The idea that you realized 7 years after the fact that you remained hung up on her & here you are 10 years after the break up and after her marriage & divorce still fixated on her is not good. She is not the same person she was when you were young & carefree. She's been through too much, with the infidelity, abuse & divorce. Those terrible events in her life, changed her & made her darker, less, trusting. Tread lightly here. You are not going to automictically pick up where you left off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4 Share Posted February 4 Let's back up: this woman seriously involved with two cheaters?! Red flag, major red flag. The trap is you go in (let's say you go contact her) and you try to convince her and show her that you are a man of integrity who would never cheat. That's a terrible plan, and a terrible line of thinking. She may be quite attracted to the kind of men who cheat. You seem naive about this. Don't make her some innocent, helpless woman who needs your rescue. No, she may very well be a woman who finds herself strongly pulled into guys with qualities that also lend themselves to cheating. You want to get involved with people who DO NOT have an attraction (to the point of long-term relationships and marriage) to guys that cheat. BTW: you say the relationship between you and her "just fizzled out." Way too vague, way too lazy in your thinking. In fact that’s evidence of no thinking and no insight. Let’s say she wasn’t attracted to cheaters. You still would only be ready to pursue this woman again when you are 100 percent clear of the dynamic between you and what happened that led to the breakup. People don't break up casually. Fizzling out usually means one or both partners lost interest and the person who lost interest didn't have the courage to break up. So there was a slow break up. I'm wondering if she lost interest in you because she realized she wanted the kind of energy she could get with a future cheater! Red flags all the way. Let her go from your system, to the point where you don’t think about her. That’s your project, not agonizing over whether to ask her out again. Link to post Share on other sites
TheEternalPessimist Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 It's generally a positive sign that she's accepted your request and followed you back. Her viewing your stories could indicate that she has some level of interest in what's going on in your life. If you're thinking of reaching out to her, just be mindful of her recent experiences. Given her divorce and what you've heard about her reasons for it, she may be going through a period of healing and might appreciate someone from the past to talk to. Such situations always seem interesting to me, and make me believe that there is a higher power that brings people together. Just as a curiosity, seeing that there's a connection between you, maybe you were lovers in a past life? See these signs here. Do they correspond with your situation? I mean with your first relationship that you had 10 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Go in as a friend, if it turns into something more, great, but don't pin your hopes on it. She's been through a lot by the sound of things and if she's been culling her social media accounts of "friends" it's likely a sign that she's changed a lot and wishes to free herself of meaningless relationships. She may value the opportunity to reconnect with someone who genuinely cares for her, but keep in mind that people who've been abused in relationships are often very wary of getting into any situation where there's even a possibility of it happening again. I'm guessing she'll welcome a message from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fazersausy Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 I was with my first love for 3 years before we broke up nearly 10 years ago. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out. I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017. After her breakup in 2017 I confessed my feelings for her but we didn't go anywhere with it as she was still healing so I told her I need to cut her off at the point because I told her I was struggling to be just friends with her, to which she said that she was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways. At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her. At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. A few weeks ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. They got divorced around early 2022. As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and have recently started a new chapter in my career. I considered getting in touch with her a few months ago but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she'd react to me adding her, I thought she'd reject me seen as she's cutting off a lot of people. So about a month ago I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She's been viewing my stories and a few days ago I posted a life quote on my story which she liked, I haven't spoke to her yet. I liked one of her posts last week. I'm tempted to send her a message but not sure if she'll respond or how she'd react, I was hoping she'd message me first but don't think she will and I want to tread very carefully with her as I don't really know where her mind is given what she's been through. I know I may be overthinking it but any advice would be appreciated, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 It's unclear why you were hoping she'd message me first, when you're the one who's interested and trying to pursue her. Sending a brief casual catching up type of message is not going to be rejected. But hoping she's been waiting around for you for years looking to reconcile could make you feel rejected because it's a bit unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Sure, send her a message and start a conversation with her. But make sure to do it in a respectful and cautious manner. Don't come on too strong or pressure her in any way. Keep it casual and friendly. Ask how she's been doing and see if she wants to catch up or talk more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Rekindling a former love, its not easy, but the cards seem to be falling reasonably favourably for you, you are probably right to not rush her but it might be time to try a message. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 Send something light with minimal expectations like "Hey would you like to grab a coffee & catch up?" Don't confess you still have feelings for her or talk about how you have been following her life. Just meet & talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fazersausy Posted March 10 Author Share Posted March 10 I was with my first love for 3 years before we broke up nearly 10 years ago. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out. I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017. After her breakup in 2017 I confessed my feelings for her but we didn't go anywhere with it as she was still healing so I told her I need to cut her off at the point because I told her I was struggling to be just friends with her, to which she said that she was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways. At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her. At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. A few weeks ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. They got divorced around early 2022. As for me I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and have recently started a new chapter in my career. I considered getting in touch with her a few months ago but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she'd react to me adding her, I thought she'd reject me seen as she's cutting off a lot of people. So over a month ago I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She's been viewing my stories and a few weeks ago I posted a life quote on my story which she liked, I haven't spoke to her yet. Today I posted a quote that said 'be the reason for someone's smile', she liked that quote too. I'm tempted to send her a message but not sure if she'll respond or how she'd react, I was hoping she'd message me first but don't think she will and I want to tread very carefully with her as I don't really know where her mind is given what she's been through. I know I may be overthinking it but any advice would be appreciated, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10 Share Posted March 10 Since you're the one interested in reconnecting, you could send her a message about catching up over coffee or something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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