Great relationship with a sudden breakup. I don't know what to do.

[Vanxious]

Hello to all. Here's my story:

The Setup

After the pandemic, due to some professional and financial strategies, i moved to a new city (not entirely new to me, as i used to work here from time to time and already had a couple of friends around). My plan was also to get a better life quality, as this new city is smaller. Less traffic, less stress, less rush... you get the point. While i was in the process of finding a new place and dealing with all things involved in such move, i started to get close to a woman that i already new from work but never really talked or even think about her. But we started talking. She was ending a 10 year relationship, 5 of them married and with a 3 year old daughter. Se was the one ending it, but that does not mean it was easy. She struggled a lot coping with all the situation, the ex is not a very sensible guy, the family had issues with the separation, she was worried about her daughter... well, she was going trough a lot. And while she was dealing with all that, i was moving to this town. We talked frequently everyday with no second intentions. I am a son of divorced parents, my father is on his 3rd marriage and my mother married with a divorced man, so i kind of now my way around divorces, and i was happy to give her some support, and at the same time she was helping me settle on the city. After a while, we got so close to each other that we took things to the bed a couple of times, and things were great, on and off of it.

The Relationship

As time went by, we built a very strong connection and relationship. We were best friends, best confidents, best lovers. Sexual chemistry was amazing, communication was crucial and was always there, as well as a good sense of sincerity, trust and respect. I build a strong connection with her daughter and accept it in my life as if it was my own, and we had plans on having another kid someday (we jokingly already had his/her name chosen).

But we took things slowly and kept the relationship to our own for a while, because she had just divorced and she needed to sort things out for her first, which was totally fine by me. So the relationship was paced by her, which was never really an issue for us. We started dating out of town (this is a small town, remember? Everyone knows everyone), then started slowly going out here, introducing me more and more to her daughter (at this time she just knew me as a friend of mom's, not her BF), then she talked about me to her family, i did the same on my side, and then to one or other mutual friend. Everything was always really smooth, we talked about every step of the process and we were always happy on how things were going. She talked wonders about me and the relationship to everyone, people were commenting on how shiny and light she was. She was saying that i was the best thing i could happen in her life (apart from her daughter, which i totally get it), and i was feeling i was the best version of me yet. She even started working with me sometimes, replacing me in some jobs that i couldn't attend (more on the job side later). She was really happy to do it and people were telling us that we were a great duo on it.

Since we've started talking to the peak of our relationship, 2 years have passed. Before things went down, this was our plan:

- Beginning of the summer of '23: Relationship was amazing, we're all set for the next steps. Summer is a peak work time for me. I work in the showbiz as a sound engineer and producer, and summer is when i got the most workload for the year, which put's me on the road for a bit, doing tours and gigs a bit around Europe. She was now taking my place as a producer in some shows i couldn't attend. My job was never a problem for her, as she works in the industry as well and know how things are;

- End of summer '23, October: When i finished touring for the year, we were going to tell her daughter that i was mom's new boyfriend. We were also going to tell all of our friends about us and we would finally let loose all the barriers and secrets we had, and making our relationship fully official;

- Beginning of '24: I would start sleeping at her house with her daughter there from time to time, to start working that change with the little girl. She was used to see me there but i never slept there with her, only when she was is her father.

- Mid '24: If things went well, i would move to her place and rent my apartment. And from that on, life would go on. But...

The Breakup

We were approaching the end of the summer touring, it was mid-September. I was doing the last tour of the year and i was eager to get home to rest and be with her. During this period i never got away from home more than 10, 12 days at a time. I had a really rough September, tough, we both new it would be hard but we were prepared for it. While i was out, i started noticing some small changes on how she communicated with me. She started feeling a bit cold and distant, but because she was also having a hard time at work and home with some family issues, i assumed that was the cause of her distance and did not pay that much attention. But the more the days passed, the more cold she was, to the point that i brought that up in a conversation. She said it was nothing to do with us, she was just really tired and needed some time to relax. But things never really got better since. Long story short, when i got back home she was in a state of mental exhaustion, saying things like: i don't know what i feel for you; i feel like i'm on autopilot here; i don't know if i ever even loved my ex-husband; i need to go to therapy; i'm not ready for a serious relationship; i don't know if i want to live free instead; and the list goes on...

This caught me completely off-guard, because it came out of nowhere. Things were pretty good and stable until this point, nothing could predict this outcome. We discussed this several times during roughly a month, with us being together but in a very uncomfortable way. All the talks we had were never really a discussion, they all ended up with both of us crying, with me asking things like "are you sure you want to do this and loose everything we've built so far?" with her always saying that no, she was not sure. At one point she said she needed the time off, and that we could catch up two months later, things like that... She said she was sure i'm the right person to spend the life with, and she is sure we still have a lot to live together, but that she needs space and time to figure her heart out, and so she went.

After the Breakup

Our "definitive" breakup happened on November 8th, when we had a last conversation over the phone about this. Again, she said she was not ready to commit and that she needed to take care of herself, alone. I told her i would respect her decision, but that would mean i would need to disappear for a while because i would need to take care of me also. Let me say to you that at this point i was already doing therapy, because i suffer from anxiety and with all this, the anxiety levels went trough the roof, so i rush to my therapist right away.

We almost didn't speak since, but i know she's been asking about me to one friend, and that she tried to reach out one time or another. And i did the same, this is being really hard to navigate trough. I tried the zero contact method, didn't really worked out for me. I tried being just her friend, which is something she suggested we did when she broke up. She suggested that while she was going trough therapy and everything she needed, we could be friends, but that didn't work out for me also, because it hurts like hell being "just a friend" after 2 years of relationship. She texted me on Christmas Eve, and shared a video of her daughter opening the gifts in a whatsapp group (we have friends in common, remember?) two days after, and i felt that video was published there just for me to see it. I didn't comment the video and guess what, she called me the next day just to check-out on me. She said she wanted to know if everything was ok with me, because she noticed i didn't say anything about that video.

The conclusion so far

We are now 2 months and a half since the breakup, and i really couldn't figure out what to do. She broke up saying that we're meant to be together but she's not ready yet. She has a couple of things that are mine and when we broke up she said she wag going to return them soon, but didn't so far. Every single person that knows us, saw us together and know whats happening are saying that this is not over, and although i appreciate the comment, i'm trying not to take it too serious, because they might be saying this just to comfort me...

And i'm stuck. Living in a small city that is full of memories, dealing with my anxiety and not knowing if i should wait or let go. One day i think i can't reach out to her because that could put pressure on her, not respecting the space she asked for, and on another day i think i should reach out, because maybe she want's to talk too but it's not doing so because i could not be ready for it. We bump into each other the other day in a store and it was the most awkward thing ever for both. On the day before we had to be together in a meeting with more friends, and although we almost didn't speak to each other, one friend (that knows everything) said to me after that she was constantly checking me on, looking at me when i was not looking at her... which could indicate something... or not. We didn't block each other on Instagram, but i avoided checking her posts and stories. But on the other hand, she saw every story i posted since. On top of that, we got silent liking or commenting each other posts after the break up, which is normal, but suddenly she liked a picture of the city i uploaded two days ago (i uploaded more pics of the city before and she did nothing). Again, it might not mean anything and i'm trying not to over analise it, but it could also be a sign of something.

Our story had more small details during the breakup that i'm letting them out of this thread because it is already long enough. But trust me, everything i could add here are just more examples on how good we were together and how confusing was the breakup process.

I know i love her and her daughter. I'm 40 years old (she's 31 if you're asking), and i've learned already that love is tough. I've also learned that true love and great relationships are hard to find and manage, and we were managing this one just right.

What's your thought on this? I would appreciate to hear from you all.

Thank you so much for reading this trough the end.

All the best,

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Vanxious said:

. She was ending a 10 year relationship, 5 of them married and with a 3 year old daughter.  while she was dealing with all that, i was moving to this town.   i was happy to give her some support, and at the same time she was helping me settle on the city. After a while, we got so close to each other that we took things to the bed a couple of times, and things were great, on and off of it.

Sorry this is happening. She seems stressed and confused. Does she work? Does she have friends and family nearby? Does she have a coparenting relationship with her ex? What other stressors are in her life? 

Perhaps she never really proceeded her divorce and jumped right into a rebound relationship with you while you were both trying to navigate new and challenging situations and supporting each other through them. 

 Why was your relationship so secretive for so long?

It seems like the touring and distance took some toll on the relationship and perhaps she reconsidered if all the travelling made her feel like "on autopilot" and disconnected. 

 All you can do is give her space and slow down on talking about moving in together. 

Edited January 27 by Wiseman2

[Vanxious]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. She seems stressed and confused. Does she work? Does she have friends and family nearby? Does she have a coparenting relationship with her ex? What other stressors are in her life? 

Perhaps she never really proceeded her divorce and jumped right into a rebound relationship with you while you were both trying to navigate new and challenging situations. Why was your relationship so secretive for so long? 

. All you can do is give her space and slow down on talking about moving in together. 

 

Hi, and thank you for your reply.

Yes, she does work, although she's not very happy and is searching for new challenges. She has lots os friends nearby, and family is one of her top priorities, they hang around a lot. The coparenting relationship with her ex is not vey good. The man never truly accepted the divorce, he does just barely the minimum as a father, and it's constantly hurting her emotionally and being a true disappointment.

I don't think the relationship was secretive for so long and maybe i expressed myself wrong in my first post. 2 years was the time that passed since we started approaching each other until the breakup. We we're in a relationship for a little more than 1 year, and the reason that we kept it secret for that time was because: first, she wanted to let the dust from the divorce to settle down, and the divorce process took a while until the papers were signed (we were already together by then), and second, she was managing things at home with her family, which is a bit too conservative and didn't react very well to her decision to divorce. We can add a third layer here, which is this city being small and she knows a lot of people. She wanted to keep her privacy private for a while while she was dealing with all things i mentioned above. It made sense to me.

One thing i didn't mention in the previous post but maybe i should, is that during summer, while i was touring, she was also having big loads on her shoulders. She was unhappy at work but she received more responsibilities, which she reluctantly accepted. Her daughter, now with 4 years old, is starting to stretch out her limits with her mom, which despite being part of growing up, adds a layer of stress at home. Her brother also got divorced in July, and he has 2 small daughters (6 and 11 y o), and my ex jumped right at them to help and support them out, while things unfold in that conservative family. And i was is out of town working, not being able to support her and even maybe adding another layer on top of her, because i admit that i might have needed more attention from her during that time, because i was felling tired and missing her (although that was never an issue). My feeling it that she had too much on her shoulders and collapsed, emotionally speaking. We had some conversations about that in the past, with me suggesting that she needed to let go some of the things that were weighing on her, otherwise someday she would not handle them.

Regarding all i can do, is give her space. There is no talking about moving in together or even get going with the relationship, unfortunately.

Thanks!

 

 

[Weezy1973]

My thought is she jumped from her divorce to you. You were a rebound. And rebounds rarely last. I would let her go completely. After she’s figured herself out she may decide to come back, but don’t count on that or anything. Let her go and live your life like you’ll never be with her again. Start dating others etc. 

[Vanxious]

19 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

My thought is she jumped from her divorce to you. You were a rebound. And rebounds rarely last. I would let her go completely. After she’s figured herself out she may decide to come back, but don’t count on that or anything. Let her go and live your life like you’ll never be with her again. Start dating others etc. 

 

Hi Weezy1973, and thank you for your input.

You could be right, and although i admit that possibility, i find it hard to believe i was in a rebound relationship. I've read a lot about rebound relationships and we had almost none of the behaviors that normally occur in such relationship. Apart from the obvious - she jumped into me right after the divorce - everything else was really smooth. No rush on anything, no comparisons with the ex, no lack of commitment, not everything was sex driven, well... no nothing. The more i read about those kind of relationships the more i feel this one not one of them.

One thing i must admit: one of the reasons she said to me to validate the breakup was that she never got to experience adult live without commitment to another person, which i must agree. She started her past relationship when she was around 18, and was there until her divorce, 10 years later. And right after that we started dating, so she never got the experience of being a free adult person, with no commitments to anyone. She started discovering that during my absence last summer, and i believe she got enchanted by that idea. That, on top of being drowned by all of the stressful things that were happening on her life, must gave her a great sense of relief. And that could have pushed her into being alone for a while, experiencing something she had never done before. Does that makes sense to you?

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Vanxious said:

. Does that makes sense to you?

Sure, makes sense. However the reason at the end of the day isn’t really relevant. We tend to obsess over the reason to try to get “closure” but it truly doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters here and is within your control is what you do and my advice still stands. Let her go. 

[Vanxious]

14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Sure, makes sense. However the reason at the end of the day isn’t really relevant. We tend to obsess over the reason to try to get “closure” but it truly doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters here and is within your control is what you do and my advice still stands. Let her go. 

 

Hi again,

Yes, i agree with you. Since the breakup that i'm searching for a "closure", which is something that i didn't get. What i got was a sense of "just give me some time off and i'll get back you soon", which i know is something that is really unfair to me and does not mean anything, really. That might be just the way she decided to manage the breakup, or maybe she was being loyal to what she was feeling at the moment but in the meantime things have changed over there, so i gain nothing on waiting. But this is something i know in my brain, but my heart tells me the opposite.

So i'm stuck in this loop, in this war with myself. Somedays i feel like i'm over it, and somedays i just crave for a text or call from her. It does not help being a guy that suffers from anxiety, and living in a small city which brings me nothing but memories from us. I'm searching for options to get out of there, but real estate prices are up to the roof around there, and i really don't feel like i'm mentally healthy enough to deal with such business as selling and buying a house right now. I'm living with my mother for a while to help me get some strength. It helps, but at the same time it makes me feel like i failed in life somehow.

Well, i drifted from the real subject for a bit, sorry. But it helps me talking to people about everything. I've been talking to friends, family, and therapist. And it's helping me sharing my thoughts and feelings here with you all too, so thanks.

This is the most difficult breakup i had in my entire life. It really hurts how things were pretty happy and fulfilled in one day, and in the other day puff... everything turned into smoke.

[ShyViolet]

There is nothing you can do except respect her decision.  The truth is, if she wanted to be with you she would be.  She wouldn't be living apart from you.  But she chose to end the relationship, and chooses every day to keep it that way.

Don't put your life on hold for her.  You need to move on with the understanding that this relationship is in the past. 

[IrinaM]

On 1/27/2024 at 6:05 AM, Vanxious said:

We we're in a relationship for a little more than 1 year, and the reason that we kept it secret for that time was because: first, she wanted to let the dust from the divorce to settle down, and the divorce process took a while until the papers were signed (we were already together by then)

I feel like you're glossing over something very important here. She concealed your relationship because she was married. (Is she even divorced now?)

People who label themselves "still technically" married or "married on paper" are not good candidates for relationships. It speaks to chaos and messiness and coping by denial instead of dealing with reality. If the divorce decree is just a formality, why not complete the formality first and then start a new relationship? Often the belief is that what really matters is the feeling in one's heart towards the spouse. This speaks to too much investment in feelings, which means making impulsive choices.

(yes, I know there are people who claim they started a successful relationship under such circumstances, please don't come for me, this is just mho.)

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Vanxious said:

. It really hurts how things were pretty happy and fulfilled in one day, and in the other day puff... everything turned into smoke.

Sorry this is happening. Breakups hurt, but please don't rearrange your life at this time. Staying with family for a while for support is a good idea.

Unfortunately it seems like "puff", to you because you were away for quite a while, and she was deliberating all this in the meantime. 

Edited January 29 by Wiseman2

[Vanxious]

6 hours ago, IrinaM said:

I feel like you're glossing over something very important here. She concealed your relationship because she was married. (Is she even divorced now?)

People who label themselves "still technically" married or "married on paper" are not good candidates for relationships. It speaks to chaos and messiness and coping by denial instead of dealing with reality. If the divorce decree is just a formality, why not complete the formality first and then start a new relationship? Often the belief is that what really matters is the feeling in one's heart towards the spouse. This speaks to too much investment in feelings, which means making impulsive choices.

(yes, I know there are people who claim they started a successful relationship under such circumstances, please don't come for me, this is just mho.)

Hi IrinaM!

First of all, i'm not coming back at you  I respect and value yours and everyones opinion, and i know not everyone will see the situation the same way i do. That's why i brought it out in public, to get other ways of thinking. So please do not worry and do not refrain from saying what's on your mind!

Maybe i didn't express myself quite right in the beginning, because yes she is completely divorced! We were together before the papers were signed, but we just started building the relationship after all the formalities were done. The period that followed it, the "secret one", was more like the period when you meet someone new and both are discovering how life is between the couple. The extra caution we had was just because of the fact we live in a small town, where is really easy to be spotted, and she wanted to let the dust from the divorce settle down completely before saying to the world she was happier than ever. I NEVER got any sign of doubt of her commitment with me, neither i felt that she was not over his ex-husband. It was quite the opposite, to be honest. When we started building our relationship she discovered how wrong her marriage was and how bad his ex-husband was to her and life could be much more happier than what she had before. And i know that you might think i'm saying this because i'm in love with her, but trust me on this one, i'm not sugar coating anything. She was really happy. We both were really happy and fulfilled.

 

Wiseman2, yes, i'm holding myself on rearranging my life right away, i know i'm not in a good place to make life changing decisions. I'll just keep living in my mothers house for a while (thinking about all February), and after that i'll see how i feel.

 

Thank you all for all the support! It means a lot.

Vasco

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Vanxious said:

The extra caution we had was just because of the fact we live in a small town, where is really easy to be spotted, and she wanted to let the dust from the divorce settle down

Settle down...for whom, exactly? I doubt people would be that scandalized that a divorced woman is dating again. This was an excuse because she wasn't quite ready for this. 

I think she genuinely cared about you and was happy spending time with you, but knew deep-down that she wasn't ready for a more serious relationship. She hasn't really been single for a long time and it's a lot to go from married to a new relationship without much downtime in between. Even if the marriage wasn't a great one, it's an enormous life change that doesn't appear she had time to process and adjust to. 

I think it would be move forward with your life and not wait for her. If someday she wants to rekindle and you are still single, you could re-consider. But of course, there is no guarantee that day will ever come. It's best to work on healing and closing this chapter. That way, you will be prepared for whatever comes your way next. 

[Vanxious]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Settle down...for whom, exactly? I doubt people would be that scandalized that a divorced woman is dating again. This was an excuse because she wasn't quite ready for this. 

I think she genuinely cared about you and was happy spending time with you, but knew deep-down that she wasn't ready for a more serious relationship. She hasn't really been single for a long time and it's a lot to go from married to a new relationship without much downtime in between. Even if the marriage wasn't a great one, it's an enormous life change that doesn't appear she had time to process and adjust to. 

I think it would be move forward with your life and not wait for her. If someday she wants to rekindle and you are still single, you could re-consider. But of course, there is no guarantee that day will ever come. It's best to work on healing and closing this chapter. That way, you will be prepared for whatever comes your way next. 

Hi there,

Well, settle down for everybody, to be honest. As i said, we live in a very small town (150.000 habitants), and she is a very known person in the city. You know how things are among small groups of people, gossip spreads fast! Besides that, her ex-husband did not took things well, the divorce was very rough. He spied on her for some time, he went to visit her parents playing the victim, he did psychological abuses to her and her daughter... it was rough times, and we felt that admitting right away she had someone else could make things even worse. For that, and for the fact we were actually knowing each other and figuring things out ourselves, it made complete sense that we should be private for the first couple of months of dating. Actually i think this should be normal when you meet someone new, you don't rush right away telling everybody, specially if you have several friends in common, don't you agree?

But yes, i agree with you when you say that deep down she was not ready for another commitment right away. She didn't have time to properly process the divorce and she needs to do it before she can happily commit to someone new. It's hard for me, but i admit i agree with your opinion.

Also, i know i need to be completely back on my feet before anything else. I need to be on top of myself if she ever decides to come back. Or if she doesn't, i need to be ready for someone new that life brings to me anyway. I just couldn't figure out how to do it.

Thanks.

[Vanxious]

2 hours ago, Vanxious said:

Hi there,

Well, settle down for everybody, to be honest. As i said, we live in a very small town (150.000 habitants), and she is a very known person in the city. You know how things are among small groups of people, gossip spreads fast! Besides that, her ex-husband did not took things well, the divorce was very rough. He spied on her for some time, he went to visit her parents playing the victim, he did psychological abuses to her and her daughter... it was rough times, and we felt that admitting right away she had someone else could make things even worse. For that, and for the fact we were actually knowing each other and figuring things out ourselves, it made complete sense that we should be private for the first couple of months of dating. Actually i think this should be normal when you meet someone new, you don't rush right away telling everybody, specially if you have several friends in common, don't you agree?

But yes, i agree with you when you say that deep down she was not ready for another commitment right away. She didn't have time to properly process the divorce and she needs to do it before she can happily commit to someone new. It's hard for me, but i admit i agree with your opinion.

Also, i know i need to be completely back on my feet before anything else. I need to be on top of myself if she ever decides to come back. Or if she doesn't, i need to be ready for someone new that life brings to me anyway. I just couldn't figure out how to do it.

Thanks.

I need to correct myself here. When i said at the end that i couldn't figure out how to get back on my feet, what i meant is that i still can't figure out how to do it, because of all the triggers and potential signals i'm getting from her in the past weeks...

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Vanxious said:

Actually i think this should be normal when you meet someone new, you don't rush right away telling everybody, specially if you have several friends in common, don't you agree?

I'm from a much smaller town (29 000) and everyone knows everyone in one way or another. I probably know the feeling even better than you, actually. There is a difference between discretion when you first start dating someone, and being a secret. There is also a difference between "rushing right away to tell everyone" (which nobody here suggested), and having to go out of town to date. While 150 000 people is not a big city, it's also nowhere near as small as you're making it sound. And yes, I have lived in a city that size too. I believe you were trying to go along with that narrative because sneaking out of town for dates and keeping everything under wraps like that didn't sit quite right for you either, if you're being honest with yourself. 

My point is that when you need your relationship to be a secret and you have to go out of town for dates  - for any reason - it means one of the parties is not in a place to offer a healthy relationship. That should have been a red flag for you that this was not a good time for her to be dating, and unforrunately, it was a sign of things to come. 

Anyway, I am sorry this has happened. I understand why you still had hope, and likely still do. I would not interpret anything as a signal from her if she's not specifically telling she wants to reconcile. 

 

[giotto]

Maybe another man entered the scene? Sorry to have to say this...  

[Wiseman2]

On 1/27/2024 at 5:17 AM, Vanxious said:

I was doing the last tour of the year and i was eager to get home to rest and be with her. During this period i never got away from home more than 10, 12 days at a time.While i was out, i started noticing some small changes on how she communicated with me. 

Unfortunately while you were away, she was thinking about breaking up, the rebound, her divorce, her child,other issues and realizing she's not ready for you to move in or really ready for a relationship at all. Whatever happened, happened while you were away. 

[Vanxious]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm from a much smaller town (29 000) and everyone knows everyone in one way or another. I probably know the feeling even better than you, actually. There is a difference between discretion when you first start dating someone, and being a secret. There is also a difference between "rushing right away to tell everyone" (which nobody here suggested), and having to go out of town to date. While 150 000 people is not a big city, it's also nowhere near as small as you're making it sound. And yes, I have lived in a city that size too. I believe you were trying to go along with that narrative because sneaking out of town for dates and keeping everything under wraps like that didn't sit quite right for you either, if you're being honest with yourself. 

My point is that when you need your relationship to be a secret and you have to go out of town for dates  - for any reason - it means one of the parties is not in a place to offer a healthy relationship. That should have been a red flag for you that this was not a good time for her to be dating, and unforrunately, it was a sign of things to come. 

Anyway, I am sorry this has happened. I understand why you still had hope, and likely still do. I would not interpret anything as a signal from her if she's not specifically telling she wants to reconcile. 

 

Hi Expantlnltaly,

I get your point  but i get a sense that from how i explained myself i pass that ideia of a "secret relationship" way bigger than what it actually was. We were just keeping things to ourselves for a while and that was really pretty natural to both of us. I respect your opinion but i get the sense that we're focusing on something that was not really the problem, even because some time after that "secret phase" she opened up the relationship to her family, co-workers and some mutual friends, the same way i did on my side. She was with me in some family sunday lunches, hang out with me and some of my friends, was there at my birthday, etc... and i met and hang out with her brother, sister, cousins, mother... at this point only some of our friends didn't knew yet that we were dating, and her daughter didn't knew that also, but the plan was to make it official to the whole world right before the breakup...

 

1 hour ago, giotto said:

Maybe another man entered the scene? Sorry to have to say this...  

I thought about it also but i find it hard to be a possibility. We had a really strong intimacy and things were always plentiful for both... 

 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately while you were away, she was thinking about breaking up, the rebound, her divorce, her child,other issues and realizing she's not ready for you to move in or really ready for a relationship at all. Whatever happened, happened while you were away. 

Yes, that makes total sense. Although i was not away for that long, that was when she started thinking about everything... we were approaching that moment to take some steps forward (making it fully official, telling her child and ex-husband, start moving in together...) and she probably started having second thoughts and got scared and /or realized she was not ready yet, which is something she actually told me when breaking up. I told her i wouldn't mind holding things up a bit to give her more time, but by that time i guess she already had her mind set to be fully alone, and there was no way back...

 

Again, thank you all for this chat. You might not realizing it, but it's helping me a lot. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, Vanxious said:

I need to correct myself here. When i said at the end that i couldn't figure out how to get back on my feet, what i meant is that i still can't figure out how to do it, because of all the triggers and potential signals i'm getting from her in the past weeks...

I think you have to be patient with yourself. Break ups are hard and it’s really time above all that heals.
 

One thing I would recommend is stop trying to figure out why she broke up with you. It’s a pointless exercise. It really doesn’t matter because in the end she just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And it could be for any reason whether you agree with it or not. Closure comes from within (I.e acceptance) and not from the other person. 

[MsJayne]

My ten cents worth.....sounds like either someone else appeared on the scene last time you were on tour, or you did or said something during that time that got up her nose badly. The "I need a couple of months to sort myself out" usually translates as, "I want to break up but I feel I have to let you down gently".  I'd take it at face value and assume the relationship is over, her behaviour's flaky, and so if she changes her mind she can do the hard work to regain your trust and confidence. Meantime, working in the field you do, you probably encounter hundreds of women, so I suggest taking advantage of that huge dating pool. 

[Vanxious]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think you have to be patient with yourself. Break ups are hard and it’s really time above all that heals.
 

One thing I would recommend is stop trying to figure out why she broke up with you. It’s a pointless exercise. It really doesn’t matter because in the end she just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. And it could be for any reason whether you agree with it or not. Closure comes from within (I.e acceptance) and not from the other person. 

Hi Weezy1973, thank you for your words. My brain absolutely agrees with you, it's my heart that insists otherwise. I know that i might never get any real closure from her, and that i must rebuild myself with that in mind. I need to accept things as they are and focus only on myself and my well-being. I just wish this could be a bit easier to do... 🙄

 

10 hours ago, MsJayne said:

My ten cents worth.....sounds like either someone else appeared on the scene last time you were on tour, or you did or said something during that time that got up her nose badly. The "I need a couple of months to sort myself out" usually translates as, "I want to break up but I feel I have to let you down gently".  I'd take it at face value and assume the relationship is over, her behaviour's flaky, and so if she changes her mind she can do the hard work to regain your trust and confidence. Meantime, working in the field you do, you probably encounter hundreds of women, so I suggest taking advantage of that huge dating pool. 

Hi MsJayne, and thanks for reaching out. I really don't think someone else appeared on the scene, there were no red flags on it or nothing in our relationship that could suggest that possibility. I know that when we are in love we tend not to see some subtle things, but trust me on this one, we were really connected and committed to each other until this situation unfolded. Adding to that, during the breakup period we had several talks about it, about her, about us, talks where things were said that made me believe that was really not the case. I know that the real truth is only on her head and i might never got to know it, as she might had sugar coated the breakup as an attempt to not hurting me more, but there were lots of signs from her that made me think she was being real. And now that i'm thinking about it, i'm realizing i never shared them here in the forum, so i'll add them now:

 

**More things related to the breakup and my ex-state of mind that i've yet to share with you all**

Let me start by reinforcing my appreciation regarding the time you all took to read this long thread and leave your comments. Despite agreeing or not, your opinions are all valid to me and they all help me getting several points of view regarding this situation, therefore giving me new angles and perspectives. That is valuable and i'm learning a lot trough the process. But as your opinions keep rolling in, i realized that maybe i should give you all a bit more intel regarding my ex mental state during the breakup. Please bare in mind that i'm not doing this in order to validate my own thoughts on the breakup, i'm sharing this with you so you can learn a bit more about the situation, and therefore maybe have an even clearer picture about it before jumping into your conclusion.

So, i think it's important for you to learn some of my ex-girlfriend behaviors and things she said during and after the breakup. I'll just list them below, with no particular narrative, and i'll share my thought on it afterwards. So, all of this happened / is happening right now:

• One of the arguments she used a lot during our breakup process was that she was feeling mentally exhausted and drained. She was questioning her feelings regarding everything but her daughter; se was scared and saying that she needed to seek therapy in order to understand what was happening. I suggested that she might have been dealing with some emotional exhaustion , because all of the symptoms checked out, which she agreed;

 

• One thing that she asked me several times during the breakup period was for me to be close to her while she figure herself out, but just as a friend. That was an obviously unfair and hard request to me and would never worked out. She meanwhile figure that out also and stopped asking me that;

 

• She later comment with a friend that she felt she needs to "put all of her life issues in a shelf, take some deep breaths and then start dealing with them, one by one" because of the exhaustion she was feeling;

 

• In the upcoming days after the breakup (maybe 2 weeks or so), she kept texting me occasionally checking me out. She wanted to know if i was eating properly, resting, taking care of myself, etc...;

 

• A little before the breakup period, she had returned to the gym and was very committed to it. She also had a plan to make 3 small tattoos that would simbolize: 1 - the relationship she had with her late grandfather; 2 - the courage she had to divorce and move on; 3 - the birth date of her daughter. She was also seeking therapy as i said before. Last month i learned (because she told me) that she is doing none of that. She dropped the gym, she is not doing therapy now because it's "hard work for the mind and i'm not ready yet" and the tattoos were postponed to somewhere in the future. I got the sense that she had put her life on standby mode. She's just focused on the work and her daughter, and this is something that some of our mutual friends agreed on too. They're also saying that she's been looking really sad and tired, and they are not sharing that with me to give me any kind of hope or anything;

 

• When she broke up with me she said she would return my stuff she had "soon", but never really did until now, despite having several occasions to do it;

 

• After the breakup, one time we were texting and i asked about her daughter. She said that she was fine, and that if someday i wanted to talk to her we could make that happen. I was first reluctant to that and declined, i was not ready for it. The week after that we texted again and that subject came back, and later she called me one day with her daughter on speaker so we could both have a chat;

 

All these behaviors considered, i found it really hard that someone else has entered the scene. Everything points somewhere else, and my belief still is that she had some kind of mental burnout and dropped everything that was weighing on her, not being sure that she's completely sure she's done with the relationship we had. And this is why i'm finding so hard to let things go.

But i know i should not hang to any type of closure that i'm just assuming. The real reasons for the breakup only she knows, these are all assumptions. I'm just getting things out of my chest, while i'm trying to get back on my feet, because that should be my only focus right now. I know it, but please keep reminding me that.

 

Thank you so much for being there.

[BreakOnThrough]

Always mirror a woman's distance and one up hers.  In the end, you keep your dignity, power and frame.

[Vanxious]

Hi all,

This is a bit off-topic, but i posted i reply here yesterday that it showing as "hidden" and i don't know why. I reached out to the Mods team but they didn't reply yet, maybe one of you has any ideia what's happening? Thanks.