lovesfool Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 I was going to post this in long-distance, but it's actually more of a general dating question. I've been dating a guy for a while now and I've been very much enjoying my time with him. He's very sweet and takes very good care of me. He ticks all the boxes for a serious relationship. We are a couple now, but I have this lingering doubt of whether he could be "the one" or not. I've not had much luck in dating throughout my life. I'm in my mid to late thirties now and I've only ever said "I love you" to one man before, and that was over ten years ago. I've had very few serious relationships, and even those few were very short lived. I feel like even though I've dated many men in the past, I'm still inexperienced in serious relationships and don't know what I should be expecting. I can tell my boyfriend is head over heels for me, and I'm worried he's close to say "I love you" yet I am far from saying that to him. I can't tell if he could be someone I settle down with for the rest of my life or not. I also feel like I'm at a crucial point in making this decision as I've been asked to attend friend's weddings and people are wondering if he will be attending with me. That would be a major step for me if I said yes. Overall I am enjoying my time with him, but I can't say that I'm infatuated with him like he is with me. But maybe that's my own personality as I never get excited about anything! This is the best relationship I've had to date in my life, but I'm always questioning myself as to whether I should expect to be feeling more. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I keep dating as long as I'm enjoying myself or is there a point where I start to consider that I'm wasting his time if we're not at the same level of attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 It sound like your boyfriend is doing all the right things but you don't feel passionate love for him and that is what you're missing. If that right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 14 minutes ago, stillafool said: It sound like your boyfriend is doing all the right things but you don't feel passionate love for him and that is what you're missing. If that right? That's it I think. I can't fault anything he is doing, but I don't get intense feelings that I see from him or from some other relationships. Maybe I'm expecting too much? He is someone who gets excited, who is passionate about things, who's an old fashioned romantic. I'm none of these so maybe I shouldn't be expecting to feel things in the same way that he does? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 What's a while? What do you think love means? There's the whole tingly lust thing but that is not love. There is the I'd cry at your funeral but that isn't solely romantic love. What do you think you are expecting? Maybe you are falling in love but since you don't really know what love is you are think it should be something else. For me, real love, the lasting kind includes a sense of peace. I trust the other person. I know I can rely on them. I like them. They make me laugh. All that is on top of the lust stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: Do I keep dating as long as I'm enjoying myself or is there a point where I start to consider that I'm wasting his time if we're not at the same level of attraction? Depends on what you want ultimately. Are you looking for marriage and kids? A long term relationship? Just a fling? Friends with benefits? There are always trade offs in any kind of relationship. Decide what your values are and how important different qualities are to you. Everybody’s different so you have to be true to yourself. But if you’re looking for something long term, and you don’t see that with this guy, stringing him along because you’re enjoying his company as a placeholder until “the one” comes along isn’t the greatest thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: What's a while? What do you think love means? There's the whole tingly lust thing but that is not love. There is the I'd cry at your funeral but that isn't solely romantic love. What do you think you are expecting? Maybe you are falling in love but since you don't really know what love is you are think it should be something else. For me, real love, the lasting kind includes a sense of peace. I trust the other person. I know I can rely on them. I like them. They make me laugh. All that is on top of the lust stuff. We had been talking (online only) for over a year but I didn't consider any possibility of it being something more than a pen pal because of the distance. Not that I didn't want something, but the thought of a LDR never even popped into my head until he suggested meeting. We've been "dating" since October. I think I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others. A friend of mine has been struggling with dating like myself for a long time. She has not been in love for over 10 years. She has been so negative about the men she dates that I thought she'd die alone! That's until recently she met a man and after 5 weeks they met each other's parents, told each other "I love you" and are completely infatuated. I wondered, why am I not feeling this way? I think my idea of love is having someone close to me that I want to share experiences with. Have someone who I'm excited to get a message or call from. Look forward to seeing again, all the time. We are constantly in contact over messages. Maybe I need to take a break from the constant texting and see if I start to miss him? There has never been a day where we have not messaged each other morning to night since we met! 5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Depends on what you want ultimately. Are you looking for marriage and kids? A long term relationship? Just a fling? Friends with benefits? There are always trade offs in any kind of relationship. Decide what your values are and how important different qualities are to you. Everybody’s different so you have to be true to yourself. But if you’re looking for something long term, and you don’t see that with this guy, stringing him along because you’re enjoying his company as a placeholder until “the one” comes along isn’t the greatest thing to do. I'm looking for a long term relationship. I do see him as someone I could have this with, but I can't tell if it's just because he's perfect on paper. I can't fault him - he's kind, funny, affectionate, got a great career, is handsome, a lot of things in common etc. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by his eagerness and affection and I'm just worried that I'm not able to recipricate. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 5 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by his eagerness and affection and I'm just worried that I'm not able to recipricate. Do you long to kiss him before you see him? Are you sexually attracted to him? For me, those things are important and without those feelings we are just friends. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 40 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I think my idea of love is having someone close to me that I want to share experiences with. Hopefully you can do some reflecting and decide if LDRs are a good fit for you. This situation doesn't seem to describe your ideal scenario whatsoever. You can't really waste anyone else's time. He's voluntarily engaging in this. So if you are just coasting along the only person's time you're wasting is your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 You wonder why you are not head over heels in love with a man you've never met? I think that answers the question. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 Hold on, you've never met this guy in person? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 You need to close the gap & meet. More distance as in not being in communication won't help. It may make things worse. Spend time with each other, then assess. If you haven't met, in my book you haven't even started to date so of course you can't be in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: he's kind, funny, affectionate, got a great career, is handsome, Men like that don't waste a year chatting online, they have real life girlfriend/wife. A man that seems to have it all, love-bombing you online, is extremely worrisome. I am very concerned for you right now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Do you long to kiss him before you see him? Are you sexually attracted to him? For me, those things are important and without those feelings we are just friends. I'm not sure if I long to kiss him. I'm not sure if I've longed to kiss anyone! I do enjoy a kiss with him and there is certainly sexual attraction. 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Hopefully you can do some reflecting and decide if LDRs are a good fit for you. This situation doesn't seem to describe your ideal scenario whatsoever. You can't really waste anyone else's time. He's voluntarily engaging in this. So if you are just coasting along the only person's time you're wasting is your own. When I say to be close to someone, I mean that in an emotional sense, not necessarily physical. 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: You wonder why you are not head over heels in love with a man you've never met? I think that answers the question. There might be some confusion! We have certainly met! Only three times, but they've been a week long every time. 41 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Men like that don't waste a year chatting online, they have real life girlfriend/wife. A man that seems to have it all, love-bombing you online, is extremely worrisome. I am very concerned for you right now! He does not have a girlfriend. If he did, she would be very surprised at how I've spent all my time with him for multiple week long periods! Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: You wonder why you are not head over heels in love with a man you've never met? I think that answers the question. I am honestly shocked at the number of people that come here claiming to be in love (or perhaps not be in love) with someone that they have never actually met. I guess words on a phone and an active imagination is enough for some? Edited January 22 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 8 minutes ago, lovesfool said: There might be some confusion! We have certainly met! Only three times, but they've been a week long every time. It was unclear for a lot of people on here. Can you elaborate on how far apart you are? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It was unclear for a lot of people on here. Can you elaborate on how far apart you are? Sorry if it came across that way. We're about an 8 hour flight away. I didn't want this to turn into a long-distance relationship discussion as I think that's secondary. He's able to have these strong feelings for me in the same long-distance arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 (edited) 5 minutes ago, lovesfool said: Sorry if it came across that way. We're about an 8 hour flight away. I didn't want this to turn into a long-distance relationship discussion as I think that's secondary. He's able to have these strong feelings for me in the same long-distance arrangement. You seem to be in love with the idea of having a good relationship, but it doesn't sound like you are overly head over heels for this particular guy. Adding in the 8 hour flight just to see one another, you don't seem to have something very sustainable here. Edited January 22 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 4 hours ago, lovesfool said: I was going to post this in long-distance, but it's actually more of a general dating question. I've been dating a guy for a while now and I've been very much enjoying my time with him. He's very sweet and takes very good care of me. He ticks all the boxes for a serious relationship. We are a couple now, but I have this lingering doubt of whether he could be "the one" or not. I've not had much luck in dating throughout my life. I'm in my mid to late thirties now and I've only ever said "I love you" to one man before, and that was over ten years ago. I've had very few serious relationships, and even those few were very short lived. I feel like even though I've dated many men in the past, I'm still inexperienced in serious relationships and don't know what I should be expecting. I can tell my boyfriend is head over heels for me, and I'm worried he's close to say "I love you" yet I am far from saying that to him. I can't tell if he could be someone I settle down with for the rest of my life or not. I also feel like I'm at a crucial point in making this decision as I've been asked to attend friend's weddings and people are wondering if he will be attending with me. That would be a major step for me if I said yes. Overall I am enjoying my time with him, but I can't say that I'm infatuated with him like he is with me. But maybe that's my own personality as I never get excited about anything! This is the best relationship I've had to date in my life, but I'm always questioning myself as to whether I should expect to be feeling more. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I keep dating as long as I'm enjoying myself or is there a point where I start to consider that I'm wasting his time if we're not at the same level of attraction? What do you mean by 'the one?' There is no such thing as 'the one'. It's either you're wanting to continue to explore your connection and potential for deeper emotional and commital intimacy with him, or you're not. As humans we have this tendency to believe there is one perfect person for us out there, and if we find them, everything will be perfect in our lives. Instead of focusing on whether he is "the one," focus on how he makes you feel and if you can see yourself in a long-term relationship with him. Ask yourself if you feel happy and fulfilled when you're with him, and if you can picture a future with him by your side. You also mention that you have a fear of settling down with the wrong person and potentially regretting it. This is a common fear that many people have, especially as they get older and start to feel pressures from society to find a life partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 6 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said: You seem to be in love with the idea of having a good relationship, but it doesn't sound like you are overly head over heels for this particular guy. Adding in the 8 hour flight just to see one another, you don't seem to have something very sustainable here. I'd be the first to admit that I'm not head over heels for him right now, but I certainly do enjoy his company. Whether that develops into love I have no idea and it's why I'm here I guess. I have made the effort of visiting him twice which tells me that I must feel something to be willing to do that. 1 minute ago, Alpacalia said: What do you mean by 'the one?' There is no such thing as 'the one'. It's either you're wanting to continue to explore your connection and potential for deeper emotional and commital intimacy with him, or you're not. As humans we have this tendency to believe there is one perfect person for us out there, and if we find them, everything will be perfect in our lives. Instead of focusing on whether he is "the one," focus on how he makes you feel and if you can see yourself in a long-term relationship with him. Ask yourself if you feel happy and fulfilled when you're with him, and if you can picture a future with him by your side. You also mention that you have a fear of settling down with the wrong person and potentially regretting it. This is a common fear that many people have, especially as they get older and start to feel pressures from society to find a life partner. I purposefully put "the one" in quotation marks as I believe the same as you. I just meant someone that I could see myself settling down with. I do think I'm happy, but when I see his level of happiness when he's with me and the affection he showers me with I just can't replicate it. Maybe I'm just not that kind of person, but when I start to think about it I start falling down this rabbit hole of questioning the whole relationship. My friends have told me that I don't get excited or passionate about anything. Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 (edited) 21 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I didn't want this to turn into a long-distance relationship discussion as I think that's secondary. It's not secondary. before I'd let myself feel for a man across the ocean I would ask myself if I am ready to uproot myself in the name of love, it goes hand in hand. Edited January 22 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 (edited) 10 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I'd be the first to admit that I'm not head over heels for him right now, but I certainly do enjoy his company. Whether that develops into love I have no idea and it's why I'm here I guess. I have made the effort of visiting him twice which tells me that I must feel something to be willing to do that. It may just mean that you long for a relationship and are at the point where you are willing to settle to have one. In your opening post you said you have been dating this guy for a while now. If it's truly been a while, you would likely know if you have romantic feelings for him. It doesn't sound like you do. Edited January 22 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 I agree that the distance is part of the equation when the topic is about "wasting time". If things go well, is either of you willing to move to live with the other? Or perhaps meet in the middle? Because if nobody wants to move, then not being so attracted is a moot point. When you do see each other, do you enjoy being in his arms? Do the two of you enjoy getting random hugs and snuggles off each other? Do you like the way he smells? And is there enough attraction to have sex? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 (edited) 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: My friends have told me that I don't get excited or passionate about anything. Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies. Well maybe this is just how you are ad you don't feel strong emotions. Not everyone is lucky in this life to experience wild passion and that's okay because slow and steady wins the race anyway. It's good that you do feel you want to kiss him and that you are sexually attracted. At least you have that. Edited January 22 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 1 hour ago, Rider on the Storm said: It may just mean that you long for a relationship and are at the point where you are willing to settle to have one. In your opening post you said you have been dating this guy for a while now. If it's truly been a while, you would likely know if you have romantic feelings for him. It doesn't sound like you do. 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well maybe this is just how you are ad you don't feel strong emotions. Not everyone is lucky in this life to experience wild passion and that's okay because slow and steady wins the race anyway. It's good that you do feel you want to kiss him and that you are sexually attracted. At least you have that. I've looked into this a little bit and read about aromanticism, where it is describe as "a romantic orientation characterized by experiencing little to no romantic attraction". I'm not saying that I completely fall into this category, but maybe there's something to it. Maybe I've been chasing something that I can't get all these years. It would make sense considering how many failed attempts at dating I've had. 43 minutes ago, basil67 said: I agree that the distance is part of the equation when the topic is about "wasting time". If things go well, is either of you willing to move to live with the other? Or perhaps meet in the middle? Because if nobody wants to move, then not being so attracted is a moot point. When you do see each other, do you enjoy being in his arms? Do the two of you enjoy getting random hugs and snuggles off each other? Do you like the way he smells? And is there enough attraction to have sex? He has strongly insinuated that he would move to where I live if it came to that stage. Yes I like the way he smells and enjoy being in his arms and getting hugs. We have regular sex so there's no problem there. Maybe I'm just overthinking it all. I find it hard to stay in the moment and my mind starts thinking about "what-ifs". Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 50 minutes ago, lovesfool said: He has strongly insinuated that he would move to where I live if it came to that stage. But why invest your time and feelings into this if it's not to take it there? You mean you are currently paying international travel just for fun? And taking it there is so much more complicated than *l'll move where you are*. Immigrating to a new Country is complicated and takes times, marriage does not solve it all. Is he a professionnal? Depending of the country where you are it may take him years for his education to be recognized in your country. I live in Canada, every 2nd taxi driver here is a professional from another country thinking he could work here an an engineer or doctor. My ex was from France. We had 5 years of dealing with immigration. He had to go back to school full time at 50 years old to stay in Canada..all while working to support himself. And it took this long even if Canada and France have a special arrangement to exchange specialized workers. I think you are playing with fire. Link to post Share on other sites
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